[jasmine snow]

JasmineS - I just had a look at your BD. I wish I could say otherwise, but it is most likely that this is guilt. 

Worse then that JasmineS, he is actually looking for sympathy from you.  He wants YOU to reassure him, that it will all be ok.  Guilt, remorse is a long, slow process.   

hugs Stayed

So how should I do ? I mean, should I act/ be nice to him, or just acting polite as co-parents ?

I want to give him time but I also don't want him to think that he will get what he wants whenever he wants and that I will wait for him forever (if you know what i mean) . When I go to UK and stay with my son, I don't want my son to see that something between me and H is not the same,I want to create nice/friendly atmosphere around our 5 year-old son.

I will see H on saturday and sunday when he comes to see the wee man and then we will sleep in the same bed. How should i act around him ?

Thanks

I responded on your thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4218.msg271108

[horsegal]

Thanks...stayed for this post and everyone who added to it! I'm new here and still have more questions then answers HOWEVER this post rings very true. I heard 'I'm sorry didn't mean to, can't change it, don't try and make me feel guilty...until I'm so sick of hearing that. I believe ANYBODY, ANYWHERE can say ANYTHING but our actions mean the most. I believe this post 100% because this is my H to the tee and I found myself more remorseful for what I did to him and have never repeated it, then anything he has said or done for me the past 7 months. He has said a lot but has done nothing about it. I love coming to this site it has really opened up my eyes and has really helped.
Thanks, Horsegal

[31andcounting]

I believe I am closer to full remorse than I am to guilt?  Not complete remorse? Could that be possible?  I think it takes "them" a long long time, I have been and am giving my H time and patience.  It gets to be " a little to much" once in a while and my H now will address it, in his own way.  I can see it is very hard for him just as it is for me. I wish I could allow myself to be less guarded, but I am allowing myself time to learn and grow still.   I want it all to "just be done" but that is not how it works......
I watched my H with our grandchildren, and adult children over the holiday,  He is not the same man he was prior to BD, not at all the same man he was during replay.......he is his "new" self.  I love him more and more BUT still find myself "wondering" ......maybe its better to have taken my rose colored glasses off   does make me kind of sad though..... 
I hope everyone remains strong and healthy.  Enjoys "something"( a child, a flower, a workout, a book)  everyday, even during this mess we are all in My biggest hope for everyone as 2014 approaches is that you truly see remorse from you're spouse, it is bittersweet but nice
(((hugs))) to all
31andcounting

[always hopeful]

I'm learning a lot from this discussion. I have two comments:

I think they meant it when they have a moment of clarity and say I'm sorry. It is not the I'm sorry of repent/remorse but they are really sorry. Then the fog comes over again, or something takes them deeper again and it is back to anger and blame us.

I remember the moments of clarity in the earlier days with my H. His eyes would clear, he would hold me and say that he can't believe he's done this, he's sorry, he loves me so much. And I remember one time I looked at him and said, "you're going to go away again aren't you?" and he replied yes. We both knew that the fog would come rolling back in and the stranger would reappear. So very very sad. In his moments of clarity our love and connection would fill the room but the fog would suck the life right out of the room. So bizarre but always validated to me that this was an illness and out of my control.

On another note re: remorse - I have become so sick of the words and no action from H. Don't tell me, show me. In the last few months I have seen the biggest change in him regarding our two young children. It's the most consistent he has ever been in their lives. He's on every detail, sometimes emailing me to remind me of what's going on at school, such and such needs this, etc. He's really learning to be a father. I would love to see that consistency in our marriage however at least he's showing what I believe to be true remorse for being an absent father for the better part of their lives. I'm hearing less and less about "poor me, I've really screwed up as a father" and much more action. Maybe someday that may just carry over to our relationship. Who knows.

I am fairly new at this.  BD was late Oct. 2013  W had made several touch n goes.  Interesting note.  My W took the OM to Jamaica in Jan. 2014  we were married in Jamaica 8 years ago.  Not even 1 week after being home she contacts me saying she's sorry for hurting me and wants to know if I would take her back.  Of course being new at this, I did knowing there was a long road ahead and way to early.  My wife when she came home was crying and said she knew she hurt us all  but I wasn't sure if that was it or if she missed the OM.  Within 3days she started to distance hr rself again and she even told me not to have any expectations and that she didn't want to hurt me.  I guess the fog came back.  Now she sleeps in the spare bedroom and won't even get dressed in the same room.  I'm curious if revisiting the place we were married brought her out of the fog and temporarily home?  She is moving into a rental house next week.

[FindingJoJo]

For me I think that the guilt is the words and they want us to comfort them to soothe that guilt - remorse in a way is when the actions match up to the words.  It is how I view it, our sons see that my H is a walking ball of shame and guilt - but he isn't truly remorseful because his actions have him continually doing the actions he feels guilty about.

[Searching4Answers]

For me I think that the guilt is the words and they want us to comfort them to soothe that guilt - remorse in a way is when the actions match up to the words.  It is how I view it, our sons see that my H is a walking ball of shame and guilt - but he isn't truly remorseful because his actions have him continually doing the actions he feels guilty about.

I would agree with that FindingJoJo. Remorse is definitely about the actions. Until the words and actions match up there is no remorse.

[stayed]

True 'dat!  Sadly, guilt seems to hold them back.  Feeling guilty sucks.  Sometimes and this seems to be especially true of MLCer's, feeling guilty angers them because they also see themselves as ENTITLED to freedom, happiness, fun.  It takes them a long time to realize that having those entitlements at the expense of their entire family, is not as ENJOYABLE as they expected it be.  Which makes them feel GUILTY, which makes them feel ANGRY, which then makes them RESENTFUL. 

Vicious circle!

Hugs Stayed

[Duthla]

 Feeling guilty sucks.  Sometimes and this seems to be especially true of MLCer's, feeling guilty angers them because they also see themselves as ENTITLED to freedom, happiness, fun.  It takes them a long time to realize that having those entitlements at the expense of their entire family, is not as ENJOYABLE as they expected it be.  Which makes them feel GUILTY, which makes them feel ANGRY, which then makes them RESENTFUL. 

Vicious circle!


Oh my gosh, wiser and truer words were never written. I wish I could have sent this to my H months ago. My intent would have been for him to return. I wish I could send this to him now....but more of a rub-it-in-your-face gesture now. 

[Serendipity]

True 'dat!  Sadly, guilt seems to hold them back.  Feeling guilty sucks.  Sometimes and this seems to be especially true of MLCer's, feeling guilty angers them because they also see themselves as ENTITLED to freedom, happiness, fun.  It takes them a long time to realize that having those entitlements at the expense of their entire family, is not as ENJOYABLE as they expected it be.  Which makes them feel GUILTY, which makes them feel ANGRY, which then makes them RESENTFUL. 

Vicious circle!

Hugs Stayed

Beautiful Stayed!!!  that sums it up perfectly!  thank you for that!  Now, when I feel like texting H or doubting the process, I will think of this.  Thank you wise one!!

[PolarBear]

Wow, such a true post. I had not thought about it like that before, but it is spot on and my MLC W has definitely not reached remorse but only guilt.