[in it]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debbie-gisonni/focus-on-the-little-things_b_3648167.html

[31andcounting]

Good stuff InIt!  Thanks for sharing:)
31andcounting

[calamity]

I also think  kindness towards ourselves helps, ie why put yourself in a spot where you know you will be hurt, such as looking at your mlcers fbook?   Think about how you might feel later if you do something.  All about retraining your thoughts. 

Agree.

I have to say what started my emotional detachment & I'm not there yet, was the idea of mlc as a dis-ease.  If you look at the situation & it makes no sense at all & it's not you who's acting strangely...

[Searching4Answers]

We have to have self respect, and while this might mlc, it doesnt mean we have to put up with the behaviour.  The more we are to see what we will and will not tolerate, the easier it is to detach.

I completely agree with Snowdrop 

It comes down to what is acceptable behavior to you. However, this requires knowing yourself and I think that is what a lot of us are learning; we need to learn who we are again.

I think Snowdrop hit it on the head. It's about self-respect, which I've never had before but do now! And boundaries. I used to feel there were no boundaries between myself and the world. I felt too much. I used to think that was just how I was, but now know that is codependency. For me, the greatest learning has come from facing and understanding copedendency. If you havent read Codepdendent No More, I recommend you do. I had my own FOO, and learning I didn't have to fix everyone's problems was a big eye opener.

The more self respect I have, the easier detachment becomes.

Right there with you Sunny I had always seen myself as responsible for everyone else before myself, even as a kid. Learning that I didn't have to fix everyone's problems was a big eye opener for me too.

[Duthla]

This is a great discussion!
I also struggled greatly with emotional detachment. I did a few things to assist in helping move forward in a seemingly impossible task of letting go of a man I still loved deeply but who was demonstrating no love towards me.

1. Compiling a list of "facts" about my relationship and marriage with H which were unhealthy. I approached it as emotionally removed as possible....as if I was just putting together data. (for example, H choked me, H lied frequently, H often criticized my career, I didn't trust H for a significant period of time)  To my surprise, my "perfect and comfortable" marriage had 42 points which were not all that good.

2. Making another list entitled "signs of healing". This was for me....ALL the things, big and small, that I found myself growing in and taking pleasure from. (for example, getting fabric softener for my clothes all the way to being able to spend an evening with friends where I DIDN'T talk about my sitch)) None of these things involved H. This reminded me of the positives that can come out of chaos....just like the flower that grows from the crack in the cement.

3. Participating in a closing ceremony in which I buried treasured items to be cleansed by the earth and water. These items were a bracelet H gave me in the first years of our R, a CD with our wedding songs and the piece of tartan he wore in his pocket on our wedding day. Symbolic ritual is something embraced by many cultures and religions around the world. Find one that may work for you and do it. Let go.

4. Using the 3 hours, 3 days, 3 months to address things such as responding to H via text or phone calls, time lining when I'm "supposed to be stronger", etc.

5. Actively doing things that I NEEDED to be doing to survive. Going to IC, going to work, finding a place to live, moving, etc. If I felt stuck (which was frequently) I paid attention and made sure I did things to get un-stuck. Posted here, asked for help from my friends and colleagues, wrote, practiced self-care, stopped wallowing and focused on my S.

6. Most difficult - whenever I found myself playing the role of the understanding, tolerant and healing wife....I STOPPED MYSELF! I literally would catch myself mid-sentence and then say to H "Ya know, it doesn't matter because that's your business and not mine. Good luck with that." I also told H to stop using me to be that understanding and consoling person in his life.....when he walked away, he also lost that gift I gave to him over all these years.

All these points were things that I have done along the way. All were difficult. I wasn't perfect and did the opposite things sometimes. It took work. I'm still practicing them and still screw up from time to time. All I can reiterate is that detaching was the HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO and that is exactly where I am now.

You'll get there....just always make sure you're more important than the one who left.

Be well...

[CrazyTrain]

Duthla:

...just always make sure you're more important than the one who left.

This is what I have been telling myself for the last few weeks.  He left, so why should I make him more important than myself?  He doesn't seem to care what happens to me at the moment.  So...it's all about me now!!  And I am LOVING it!!

Great thread, init!!

CT 

[BB64]

It's definitely about self respect and consistency.
I found also, that the minute you accept that your spouse is in mlc, and I mean 'accept' and accept that you are on your own is the minute you will feel the first hint of detachment.

It is not true, in my humble opinion, that there is nothing you can do to stop your spouse's mlc. You can. There is a lot you can do. The main thing being: stop believing that it is about you!
That will stop mlc in its tracks towards YOU! You can stop your spouse Mlc....in YOUR life!

[Snowdrop]

I found also, that the minute you accept that your spouse is in mlc, and I mean 'accept' and accept that you are on your own is the minute you will feel the first hint of detachment.

It is not true, in my humble opinion, that there is nothing you can do to stop your spouse's mlc. You can. There is a lot you can do. The main thing being: stop believing that it is about you!
That will stop mlc in its tracks towards YOU! You can stop your spouse Mlc....in YOUR life!

Agreed.  After the initial grieving, it really is up to us whether we allow it to affect us or not.  We could spend the rest of our time as victims and blaming, or we can see it for what it is, recognize the things we need to work on for us, as we too had our part in the relationship, and move forward, all the time knowing that this is their journey, and it has nothing to do with us.  Doesn't mean it is easy, and it takes time, but I think we can see it as a way for us to be stronger, and develop ways we might not have otherwise.

[Magnite38]

This is so so hard.  Things I find work for me is to redirect my thinking...constantly.  Focus on you and where you want to go in life and with your family.  Finding positives in your life and things to look forward to. Goals and dreams about me and my kids.  Time will heal just keep the focus on you.

I also think of the things h wasn't and all the things I wanted h to be and it wasn't him and he never will be that. I can not and do not want this h back. I will allow myself to grieve this loss but know h is not what I want/need in my life.  I know I am on the right path and just have to remind myself of that, even with how hard and heart breaking it is, it is the way it is suppose to be.

I lost a lot of me and really relied on h way too much and this was very unhealthy. I am now finding independence and courage to do it alone and it is quite the challenge.  But really, there is no other way and I remind myself of this... It is only me and I have to figure it out alone and raise my family. 

NC is really the way to go.  I have to go dim and dark because of the kids but NC would be my ideal.  I have to stop any type of confrontation and h really tries to get me wrapped into his crisis.  Boundaries don't let him get in your head.  I need to come up with some one liners to use with h.  Only communication should be facts and no emotions, don't get sucked into his drama.

[twilightzone]

I also think of the things h wasn't and all the things I wanted h to be and it wasn't him and he never will be that. I can not and do not want this h back. I will allow myself to grieve this loss but know h is not what I want/need in my life.  I know I am on the right path and just have to remind myself of that, even with how hard and heart breaking it is, it is the way it is suppose to be.

I lost a lot of me and really relied on h way too much and this was very unhealthy. I am now finding independence and courage to do it alone and it is quite the challenge.  But really, there is no other way and I remind myself of this... It is only me and I have to figure it out alone and raise my family.

This is a very insightful and heartwarming post, Magnite38.  Thank you!  What you say here is so true.  While we love our MLCer to death, we have to really be honest with ourselves and ask how good this person really was for us.  I know that not only do I not want my W back the way we she is now, but I also do not want her back the way she was during our marriage.  Neither do I want myself back the way I was.  I am working on myself and I can only hope that someday my W will do the same for herself.  It is the only path for all of us.

Thanks again, Magnite.  I wish you all the best.