[Mamma Bear]

 LL ,
   My sister whose H returned after 18 months back in Jan 2009
told her the other day that he wants to call his OWs H and apologize .  His OW had divorced him. My sister and her H never got divorced.  One day he woke up recently and said" I saw that guy on the street the other day and I felt like apologizing."
    My sister was like    Ok Dear whatever makes you feel better.

[LisaLives]

S4M, So you don't think,

"Hey Ken, you don't know me but my ex just married your ex and he says you're a douchebag, so I just wanted to have a little chat so I could figure out for myself if he really is a superhero out to save the world one fair maiden at a time, or if, in fact, HE IS THE DOUCHEBAG..." would be a good pickup line? 

MB, My friend who had an early MLC, married OW who also left her H said her exH THANKED him everytime they did the kid swap--he finally divorced her, she is a BPD/alcoholic, whackjob, and the signs were there from the get-go.  As a woman said on another MLC site--I thank OW every day for taking out my trash...   

[Anjae]

No. Both OW1 & OW2 were single.

Lisa, I don't think it is a good idea to contact your hunband's new wife/OW exhusband. Even if he was still her husband it would not be a goog idea. You need to stear clear of whatever issue OW has with her exhusband. You would not like him to contact you, would you? Regardless if it was to know if you're a douchebag or a princess.

[LisaLives]

 

That's just it Anne, I would love for him to contact me, then I could talk to him and not take the blame for it!  I won't do it, I know I have to stay out, but it kills me sometimes, the curiousity...

I would love to talk to him because then he would know I am a nice person and his wife stole a father.  In some ways it might make him feel better.  I would love to know that he is a nice guy and she is in MLC--or that she is an evil wench and she is going to take my exH for the ride of his life--not that I wish that, but it would be good to know before I send my kids there...  Or maybe he is rotten, then I might understand how she could be so needy--so many questions, not to mention H won't even tell me practical stuff.  I would love to know their custody schedule so I could have a better idea when H might come back to see his kids...  See what I mean, so many things he could tell me...

[Anjae]

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa...

Now and then we all have this feelings of wanting to talk to the OP or the OP spouse and let them know they took a great husband/wife father/mother.  But, if to the OP, it will only bring more anger towards us. And the OP couldn't care less about us, so just a waste of time and energy. If to the OP Spouse, well, maybe they are as hurt as we are and really don't need, or want, to ear about their exspouse OP.

Many years ago my uncle had an OW. It was no MLC, just a regular affair. Her husband come round here to talk to my aunt. My aunt did not wanted to talk to him. She said my husband is my business, your wife, yours. For the record, uncle remained with OW till this day, aunt does not blame OW, family gets along fine with OW. That, given that was 35 years ago, is no longer OW but XDFGG uncle's LLLLwife.

[OldPilot]

Well Lisa, if you really want to call my wife you can, but I can tell you already she is in MLC! 

[TrustingMyHP]

Ohhhh LL, thank you for bringing this up.  It's something I very much want to do.  To contact the OW's now ex-H, however, would be self-sabotage on a massive scale, as you'll see from my story.

My H met OW in another state 300 miles from where we live.  He was doing periodic work there for over a 2 year period. He met her (so he tells me) standing in line to attend a lecture on spirituality at a university!

At the time they met (2.5 years ago) OW was on her second marriage which she'd been in for 15 years. Her ex-H's in a prestigious profession in the large metro area where she's lived, I think, most of her life.

It was her 2nd marriage.  She and her ex-H had no children.  She does have, however, two grown sons by her 1st H.

(BTW, this is all info my H told me immediately after BD 8 months ago.  We've not spoken about any of this since then.  I ask him NO questions.  So, I tell myself I have to take all of this info with a grain of salt.  God knows what the truth is.)

H & OW's EA became a PA two years ago.  Coincidentally,(?) she left her H about the same time (summer of 2009) and filed soon after for divorce. 

According to my H, her then H knew nothing about him.  My H and OW only "dated" for 6 months before she left her H, moving into an apartment. 

Since my H wasn't in her social circle, or a work colleague, or anybody her then H knew about, it was easy for OW and my H to keep their A clandestine.  My H had his own apartment about 20 miles from the large city where she lived so I'm assuming secrecy was easy. 

At BD, 8 months ago, OW had been living in her apartment for 18 months in her home state, with my H visiting her regularly.  She was in the final stages of her divorce and simply waiting for the decree.  (According to my H, her D became final several weeks after she moved to our state in Jan.)

When, at BD, I asked my H what her last name was he wouldn't tell me.  He said it was because in the state OW was receiving her divorce she could not, by law, co-habitate with anyone for 4 years (the length of time she was going to receive a generous alimony from her ex-H.) 

In other words, if her husband found out she was living with my H, she would lose her alimony.  And my H was planning for her to immediately move to our state and for the two of them to live together on his boat.  (Which they've been doing since Jan.)

My H was very worried about this as her alimony was the only income she had.  She's disabled due to a chronic neurological condition and cannot work.  My H told me she also received disability. 

When he told me all this I was worried OW's soon-to-be-ex-H would find out, too!  I did not want my H using his money to support this woman!  (Also, if she had her own income I reasoned it would be easier for her to "move on" when the time came, which, then, I had high hopes would be sooner rather than later.  I know better now.)

When OW moved to our state she and my H immediately moved to his sister's waterfront house 90 miles from where we lived and moored H's boat at his sister's pier.  Conveniently, his sister's home is also a licensed B & B, so, if anyone gets suspicious, OW can claim she's "staying" at the B & B! 

I know this is bizarre and I'm not sure how much of it I believe, but I do believe my H was truly afraid OW's H would discover their relationship and OW would lose her alimony.

If I was willing to hire a PI, I'm sure I could find out her last name and therefore contact her ex-H.  Her ex-H's profession is such that he'd be easy to locate.

I've tried looking for a divorce notice in the city newspaper where she and her ex-H lived but all I know is her first name and, besides, it seems large city newspapers don't publish divorce notices anymore.

She and my H recently bought (and therefore had to get titled) a boat in our state.  According to my H, she bought the boat with her money (that's what he told our D.)  If that's so, her name would be on the boat title and I bet she also, as part of her spider's web, put my H's name on the title, too.  (After all it's now their home sweet home.)  A PI could find the title in an afternoon's work.

Truth is though, I don't think it's safe for me to know her last name because the temptation to contact her ex-H is so strong.  If I contacted him it wouldn't help me at all (except having the satisfaction of causing her and my H pain) and would likely result in OW losing her income. 

(Although, I am puzzled that her ex-H hasn't found out her situation by now.  Either she did a very good job of disappearing or her ex is involved with someone else and could care less.  It does seem, however, that if there was a hope he could stop legitimately paying alimony, he'd try to do that.  It is puzzling and, frankly, doesn't add up to me.)

Since my H doesn't have any income right now either, it would be a mess.  And if she loses her income what will she live on?  My H's guilt about her and need to "protect" her would really go into high gear.

Besides, the chance of my H finding out that I did it are high.  Who else would care enough to go to the trouble? And he would be outraged at me.  I don't think it would help my hope of reconciliation one bit and would likely seriously damage it. 

So, that's why I don't try to find out her last name and why, even if I knew it, I wouldn't contact her ex-H.

If I knew for certain that her ex-H knew about my H and the A, I WOULD contact him.  Simply because I'd like to hear his side of the story.  I'm sure that, like me, he's been vilified and is probably a decent man. 

That's my soap opera!  Hope it makes sense.  (Actually, as I reread this, it doesn't, but that is what I know!)

TMHP

[LisaLives]

TMHP, If you ever really want all that info, YOU can find it.  Should I not tell you how?  If you ever need to, I can help you.  And that's a good story, sorry, too bad it's yours, but it sounds like a bad soap opera...  I did more cyber-sleuthing than I should be proud to admit, but it used to be my job to track down dual diagnosed homeless men, so I know my way around public records, and my curiousity has gotten the best of me.  I bet I know more about OW and OW's exH than my H does!  But in your case, since OW and exH have no kids, it would not seem odd that he does not care where she is.  I have a friend who just divorced her second H and got a HUGE amount of alimony--if exH cares and has the means, he will likely have her investigated, so she could end up losing that anyway...  I see what you mean though, if I knew her name, I couldn't stop myself.  My H did not tell me OWs name, I only knew her first name and by process of elimination I figured it out, their professional community is pretty small. 

I sometimes even get the urge to call her parents--you know to ask them if they know that their daughter likely stole two husbands...  I am not going to do it, but it's like the urge to knock out that bottom watermelon...   

[Patience]

I'll share this story with you all so that you can see it from the OP's spouses view. 

A dear friend, Male, found out his wife was cheating on him.  The OM's wife contacted my friend.  She began yelling at him, crying, etc.  My friend was feeling low enough as it was, and didn't need the additional burden of the OM wife.  It was not an MLC, but none the less, my friend told me this story at a time when I thought about contacting the OW's spouse to illustrate why I should not.  You are hurting some one that may not deserve to be hurt. 

[Anjae]

I'll share this story with you all so that you can see it from the OP's spouses view. 
 You are hurting some one that may not deserve to be hurt.

Exactly. And Lisa, I know it hurts, but if your husband has married OW she is now his wife. No one wants an ex (cheated upon or not) messing into our life. Let alone the OP spouse. This goes to you as well, TMHP. What good would come of you hiring a PI to find that woman name? And, as you've said it, if she looses her alimony she is gonna have to live on your husband's money. Besides, if what MLCers do to us is cruel, nasty terrible and we don't like it, why should we go and do it to someone else, even if that someone else is OW/OM?
an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth only brings more anger, resentment and pain. Including to the LBS. I don't think tjat is what standing is about.
Lisa, if I'm not mistaken you are no longer standing. But it looks like you are still attached to your exhusband. Standing or not, it will only firebacks at you if you get in touch with OW exhusband.