[LisaLives]

LL,

How about Alcatraz? Small island, bad accommodations, and probably no internet there!

Too close, somewhere closer to the Bahamas--the Bermuda Triangle, hurricane and big nasty bug territory, or frozen tundra and hungry bears--you know, so they don't get bored!  Like I obviously am today, went to be early, woke up early and can't run til 9, so killing a lot of time, quietly...

[Buggy31]

IT made so much sense.  You are the same mother you always were....now you just have an additional child...   


But Bugs, I didn't ask for that other one, and I want to give him back!  We could market both of ours as a package deal--"Two for one crazy exH's, free to a bad home (preferably on a small island with no internet in the middle of the Atlantic, or Arctic) we'll pay $1000 S&H and all travel expenses, no refunds or exchanges."  I'm gonna go put it on Craig's List... 

S$%^ this week I was ready to sell the other two into slavery, so no, the third one I can definitely live without.  And my kids are in the game stage now--oh you won't buy it, OW will (and she does, or he does and let's them think it's her), I hate you, I'm moving in with Dad...  MLC Olympics, my exH is aiming for the gold in Teen Manipulation...
   

OW already bought him...as she is doing with your kids...so you don't need to do anything there.  I'm at a point in the crisis where I'm glad he is somebody else's to handle.

In terms of your teens just remember the strategies you use with H and apply them to your teens.  The stuff going on with your  teens is normal...they are testing your love and teens ALREADY do that to the extreme....add a father whose abandoned them on top of that.  They are going to project like crazy...keep your cool...and say

I'm sorry you are feeling so angry.....

I'm sorry you feel like going to live with your father will solve your problems.


I know it s***s but someone has to be the steady one....and you'll be better off for it....this will get worse before better....it's a given in MLC...they go to the depths..

[kikki]

Interesting - thanks for sharing that AnneJ

[BrandNew]

Thank you for the reality check, WGH and AnneJ!  I think I have always known that reality would set in eventually.  My biggest concern was if my MLCer would do too much damage before clearing the tunnel for reconciliation.  And he has - OC born this week.  I wonder if there is any information here about the effect an OC has on a MLCer. 

[kikki]

Brand new - I'm so sorry for what you are having to deal with - that must be so hard.

I have no idea - but if my MLCer is anything to go by - I can't imagine it being easy for them.

Imagine the noise, lack of sleep, responsibility, demands on their 'play time' - not exactly what they usually have in mind for REPLAY.

I'm sure there are those that have experienced this though and can shed some light for you

[BrandNew]

Thanks kikki  (and WGH for allowing a little t/j) - You are right.  An OC is pretty far from "youthful running, escape and avoid, and fantasy island with the OW."  I would love the karma bus and reality check for him, but still grieving the "real" end of my marriage.  The OC issue is my dealbreaker.

[Dandy Lion]

I don't know if what my H says is true but he tells me that OW is just an escape for him from his problems.  He told me he does not want to move in with her and so he lives at his mothers.  He also told me it won't work between them.  So it does not seem OW has that amount of power or does she?

[Shantilly Lace]

The further they go into the tunnel the more power she seems to be able to exert.  I remember Dearheart at first not caring at all how she felt but as he went in deeper she controlled him more and more.

[justasking]

Umare

In the early stages we can get a lot of clarity about what they feel etc. But Shantilly is right. The further they go into the tunnel the thicker the fog becomes and those moments of clarity disappear. The OW then gets more power over our H because he will be living his 'happy' life.

Carry on as you are. Listen and validate but be prepared for him to become more distant.

xx

[LettingGo]

Umare, my husband said the EXACT same things, but not in the beginning... then she was just so wonderful and made his eyes sparkle... DISGUSTING!! NOW, he says he doesn't know why he goes to her.... says maybe it's her youth..... can't figure it out... doesn't like her looks, her personality, her ethnicity, her family, her friends, her personality, her "mind" (says she's not a "deep thinker"  well, that makes two of them, LOL!!) hates her tone of voice, says she can't and won't cook, tells me she's a terrible Mother and he can hardly stand to watch her "non-parenting" but that she represents "freedom" to him...

The MLCer is talking out of both sides of his mouth... confusion reigns supreme.... he told me he feels TRAPPED when he's with her... like he can't leave.... but wait, didn't you just say she represented "freedom" to you? Says he wants to leave almost as soon as he gets there.... texts me from her lair about how he wishes he was with me and the kids... but won't just get in the car and LEAVE... though he has done that to us several times.... started out here "for the weekend" then all of a sudden he has to "go to Toronto" 

OW has a powerful hold and pull on him, but it's mostly guilt.... not sure why they don't feel the SAME degree of guilt for the things they do to us.... perhaps it's because SHE is crying, begging, pleading, demanding and needy and he's trying like all get out to appease her. Emotional blackmail. He lets her get away with things we would NEVER have been allowed...

I agree that her hold gets stronger the further in the tunnel, but it's not on his heart.... it's emotional blackmail.