[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

One of my best friends told me that after she had the feeling something was not "right" between her and her husband, she decided to bluff with him to confirm it.  She told him she heard rumors because people will talk and that she wished he would just go ahead and admit what it was that he had been doing.  Well, not only did he confirm the affair, but he gave her the name of the woman to boot!  All the while my friend said that she was thinking, "You are such a MORON!"  My friend moved out and waited for two years, thinking her moronic husband would get this MARRIED OW out of his system and come back to his senses and his marriage.  They have two daughters together.  Anyway, she finally asked him point blank if they were going to work on things or not, and he said he guessed so since he couldn't be with who he "really" wants to be with.  That was it for her.  She never confronted the OW and I'd say today she's glad she didn't bother w/her.

[TrustingMyHP]

This is a question for some of the folks here who've been around awhile and who've read a lot of stories.  I'm curious if anyone has an opinion on whether the length of the MLCer's affair effects the eventual outcome of the LBS and MLC relationship.

Do shorter term affairs, say under 18 or 12 months, offer a better chance of reconciliation than those that go on longer, say more than 18 months?

And is there a relationship to whether the affair partners live together and eventual reconciliation?

I don't know where I've read it (I've read so much about infidelity since BD!) but somewhere I read that the longer an extramarital affair lasts, the less likely a couple will reconcile.

Do any of you here have an opinion on that?

My H has been in his affair now for 31 months, getting close to 3 years.  For the first 23 months he and OW did not live together full-time.  It was a clandestine affair and they only saw each every 6 to 8 weeks or so when my H would be in the city where OW lived (usually for 3 - 5 weeks at a time for his work.)  While he was there for those weeks I suspect they lived together at either her apartment or his (although for the first six months of those 23 months she was still living at home with her then H.)

H and OW have been living together full time since BD almost 9 months ago. 

So does the fact they've been a couple for such a long time have an impact on our eventual chances of reconciliation or is it irrelevant--or impossible to say?!

Thanks!

TMHP

[Rollercoasterider]

From the time Sweetheart's affair became physical he lived either with the alienator or at home--since he was a multiple returner.

The affair lasted for 3.5 years,

As for reconciliation within such circumstances...I think there is a greater likelihood that an LBS will stop Standing, so thre may be fewer reconciliations with longer-term affairs. But that is often not a decision made by the betraying party.

[With Gods Help!]

This article is located here.
http://leejagers.wordpress.com/2006/03/18/after-an-affair/
Please be careful to only use brief excerpts and reference published works with their url.
Here is the opening to this article.
 

Reconciling a Marriage After an Affair[/b]
Seven issues of concern to the therapist working toward the reconciliation of a marriage torn by an affair are discussed. They include (1) options for the marriage, (2) ensuring closure of the affair, (3) trust, (4) amount of disclosure by the offender – the term used here to refer to the unfaithful partner, (5) forgiveness, (6) individual issues, and (7) renewing physical intimacy. God’s high view of marriage is set forth as motivation for the Christian therapist to favor reconciliation over other options for the marriage.[/font]

[With Gods Help!]

Hi T.........my h as been with o/w 3 yrs 2 months.....he was a multiple returner of about 8 times the longest time home for 8 months.......until baby was born now hes been gone 7 months and the relationship is still going but plenty of crap going on for them............i think affairs can last longer when they don’t live together because they only see that person for a few hours..............so dont see the real person/persons.... i think the true test comes when they live together full-time and for a longer period.........the fantasy of being together all the time becomes reality and then the flaws/irritations/true colours  start to show............the affair people can keep up their pretend persona for a few hours at time...........however the longer their together the harder it becomes to pretend to be perfect xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Anjae]

Since BD, OW1 lasted around 18 months. Ow2 has been around for over 3 years, they live together for about 2 years. He is a vanisher, we no longer have the marital home. So, not sure what kind of outcome this will have.

WGH, my husband's affairs were in reverse, he was not around OW1 all the time and she last less than OW2. he is around OW2 all the time. So, either she is very good keeping her facade or he his totally lost. Or maybe it is really deep, deep love. Who knows? 

[With Gods Help!]

Ann did your h finish it with o/w1 or did she finish it maybe if she finished it with your h and he  went looking for o/w2 because he was deep in the mlc fog and by then probably too deep to come home so went looking for o/w2..................or she didn’t meet his needs or she became controlling too soon so he scampered off to the next one since he hadn’t sorted out his internal issues yet .........xxxxxxxxx

[Anjae]

WGH, I don't know for sure what happened with husband and the end of OW1 (nor I know how/when it really started). When OW1 was gone I was already back to our home town and my interaction with husband was small. He never told me much about her, and I  never asked. I was only ojnce told by a person that it did look like a match made in heaven. My response was "It will not last, also, you've only meets us after he left, so you don't know how we were when we were together not when we started dating".

But, for small clues, I think it was her that finisehd with him. When he left, and for must part of their relashionship, he had is weekend days free. She lived away and could only be with him on the weekend. Given that he had, before she come along, took to DJing, his weekend nights were taken. So, when he left his job and took another one that made him work weekend days, he no longer had any time for her. Most likely she no longer saw the point of being around a man that could not have a moment for her.

He still leads the life he led when OW1 was gone, but OW2, for what I get, likes that partying, DJiing, running around from a place to another like there is no tomorrow (they meet in a club). The little I know about OW1 she was more quiet, mommy type, nice and caring, the sort that wants to rescue the unhappy husband. OW2 is a narcissist, so, she wants to be me, she wants my life. She has created much more problems than OW1.

I think he went after OW2 because, after OW1 a) I was not willing to be his girlfriend and did not want to take part in that crazy life we has leading; b) he had never been alone since he was 17 c) he was (and still is) in deep fog.

[LifeGoesOn]

TMHP

Please do not measure your Stand or your M against the 'odds'. Statistics on the topic are misinterpreted all over the place. In MLC there are too many variables that might affect the outcome. You have identified one variable, length of A. There are dozens of others that may interact with that. (length of marriage, education levels of MLCer and LBS, socio-economic level, self-employment, employment status, # of children, age of children, childless, and on, and on) Add to those, the emotional variables ( contact level, strength of defense mechanisms, place on the spectrum of healthy to distorted thinking patterns, types and depth of FOO issues, and so on) Even with a multivariate analysis, I doubt that any ONE would be significant.

As for reconciliation within such circumstances...I think there is a greater likelihood that an LBS will stop Standing, so thre may be fewer reconciliations with longer-term affairs. But that is often not a decision made by the betraying party.

I believe this couldn't be more true. This is why we hear over and over, Focus on yourself. I believe, our journey, how we develop our strength, rebuild our lives, decide/discover who we are and who we want to be, how we resolve our own Foo issues, will ultimately be the determining variable in our future.

[TrustingMyHP]

LGO,  Thanks for the info.  What you say makes great sense, of course, and it's good for me to be reminded specifically of all the many variables that go into whether reconciliation someday happens or not.

I'm still a newbie (just 9 months since BD, exposure of the A, & H moving in with OW) and am still wrestling with all the demons the newbie is prone to.  I want to look at "all the angles" and see what info/advice/opinions those who are farther along have.  Always looking, I guess, for that elusive (non-existent?) nugget of wisdom that's going to make all this understandable.  While I have made great progress in getting my primary focus off my H & the OW and onto myself, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still on them much of the time. 

Forward!

Thanks,

TMHP