[wondering]

Hang in there Smitty, You are doing the right thing. You know what he is going through and you can't take to heart the things that come out of his mouth. You're being very smart although I know it must be so hard. He is so cunfused but at least he knows that he is going through something. It will get better. If you have to, stay as busy as you can and away from his moods. Try not to engage in any "how are you feeling" conversations.  Stay out of his space as much as you can until you see OW withdrawal subsiding. Even then, I wouldn't ask too many questions. You can do this!!  Vent to us!!

[Battlefield]

Thanks so much Wondering,
 This is so hard, It's like you see the finish line and you just want it to b like it should he comes back feeling all the love for u but instead I get the opposite. I know he is so confused and I am staying away I will just let him alone to deal with himself I am not going to b part of that problem.
Thanks for the advice It helps a lot.

[wondering]

Smitty, I think it is a positive to see he called his mother and also stated that he is going through something and that he knows he can't answer your questions right now. I know you did not ask any but this is what his perception is. That's why you must try your hardest to not ask him anything, even whether he would like a cup of coffee   His mind is a mess but it's temporary. Read up on OW withdrawal and take comfort that your H is following the script. Don't let your mind wander to thinking he won't get through this. You are doing great.  You told him you won't go through this again, now don't say it again for a while. If he spews monster or thoughts that he can't do this, just pretend to understand and validate...sorry you feel that way. He will change his mind several times.  Ignore his confusion....be the lighthouse.

[Anjae]

So far my husband has suffered very little OW withdrawal. He made sure he already had OW2 in toe when things were going a little fantasy land with OW1. He also had keep conversations with a few other women during OW1, none of which become a real OW. But one can see he was making sure he would not had to be on his own.

Wondereing if, when things start going less fancy, he is going to jump from OW2 into OW3 or if, this time, he will hit the botton. After all, he can not stop for a minute (always keeps himself busy and/or surrounded by people) nor on his own, because he does not bare to think about what he has done. Just keeps running, running, running...

[Patience]

It's interesting for me to go back to this old thread.  I can report back now, that while what I was seeing during H's visits and in between the visits, might have been bits of OW withdrawal, he didn't complete it at that time.  She continued to contact him and probably manipulate him with reminders of their special friendship and pitiful tales of her own marriage (throwing up here is permissible!).  He was also too weak and too lonely at the time to face OW withdrawal.  He was not living here, but was visiting 3 or 4 days a week. 

I can also tell you all that while many will display lots of the signs mentioned here, the extent will vary greatly.  I think it was in kikki's post and an HB post that grieving is mentioned.  I drove myself a bit crazy when the real OW withdrawal was happening because he wasn't displaying these signs to the extent mentioned here.  Rereading this post caused me to think about it.  I suspect that how they go through OW withdrawal will be very similar to the way they have grieved over other deaths in the past.  My H grieves quietly.  It's a bit odd really.  One would not really know he was grieving as he seems his usual self.  He simply goes on in quietness.  I've seen this when each of his parents died.  No tears, no discussions, nothing but perhaps becoming angry a bit more quickly than usual.  This is how his OW withdrawal looked. 

The exception is the day he ended all contact and told her not to contact him again.  That day, he was a bit manic and afraid.  He needed lots of reassurance from me that day.  I didn't know what was going on until a few days later, but I knew something was up.  I even said something to him. 

The other thing I learned was not to mention her or to question him about her during this time.  I'm not perfect and did this a couple of times.  He did not turn back to her and did not run.  I felt terrible doing it as I knew it was hurtful to him, but I also needed to ask about it for myself.  We can only give so much as we are dealing with A LOT!  There was also one piece of contact remaining that I needed to have ended.  He wasn't utilizing it, but I knew it was possible that she could contact him still.  He blocked her cell number and emails previously on the day the friendship was ended. (the PA had ended months prior)  He ended that last means of contact when I asked him about it several weeks later. 

So my point is this:  watch for the behavior that is different.  It may not look like what is described here depending upon the MLCer and their methods of grieving.  Also, as others have said, I think this process generally last 4-6 weeks from what I've read. 

[kikki]

Thanks for sharing your experience Patience.  That's really interesting. 
My H also grieved for the loss of my Dad (they were very close) and his Dad very quietly.  If OW withdrawal ever comes, I probably can expect to experience what you have.

As a matter of interest - did you ever go No Contact Patience?  At 21 mths post BD, RCR has advised that I need to do this with my H as a consequence of being with the OW. 

[Patience]

kikki- My H was an early returner and a very clingy boomerang.  There was no time for full NC really as it all happened quickly.  After he did move out, I did not call or text him UNLESS it was about the kids (and since they are older, there was little need for that) or unless he texted me first.  He also was spending 3-4 days a week in our home.  I was more dim on the days he was elsewhere. 

There were two exceptions to this.  One was a few days after he moved out and immediately after a death in our family.  I was grieving for all of it a lot.  I became very angry about the death, but it became about him. I called and told him to ignore any calls or texts from me that day as I was hurting and angry.  End of conversation.  The other time was when I discovered a piece of affair evidence he left sitting out where our children could have found it.  The mother lioness came out!  I called him on it for that reason even though I now know it also was because it was hurtful to me.  Even after he told me I could call him, I did not do so. 

[kikki]

Thanks Patience - I don't contact my H either - no need to with a CB as you know they'll be in touch.  I do respond, but that is what RCR thinks I need to stop doing. I am just biding my time, as our boys have final exams coming up, and I know from experience that the emotional clinging will be transferred to our middle son instead of me if I disappear on him.  Now is not the right time.

[Battlefield]

Thanks so much wondering, I appreciate all the support I can get. It's kind of weird I guess but We sit and think and cry wanting them to come home. Then when they do to b honest it's much easier to deal with Withdrawal from a far. But I wouldn't change anything I have strength I know what I have to do Like everything else I will just do it.

My was a clinging Boomerang also. I knew early on that I was not going to put up with any of this I told him if he needed to come by for something he can text me in advance so I can b gone, I wasn't going to b there to get his fill of what he needed to reassure that I am still there
he didn't deserve that right. I pretty much went n/c with my H I was not going to play his highschool games bottom line. I left him to his own craziness I wasn't playing. Worked great bc it was just him and OW. He made a statement to me a couple days ago about OW he said he just knew they would never work he knew for a long time but he stayed purely out of guilt, but he said it was hard they didn't have conversations like we did. He said when he came hm from work if he talked about something that bothered him she would just shrug her shoulders. Or when they were watching a T.V. show if he tried to talk about it she didn't engage. The thing is that is who she is she has always been that way.  I told him that is how she has always been u guys only talked through text from day one! He said u know what u r right  we have conversations but not about anything worth talking about  And when we talk it is through texting. I told him yeah I know u didn't realize it then but u were only talking(texting) and Pa for 2 weeks when I found out and u up and wanted to throw away 22yrs. He said he didn't realize how little the time was he thought they had been doing this for months when it was only 2 weeks, and after I found out he stayed a month b4 he left to gma's house he thought when I found out he left the next day.  He said he went back to look at his calendar and said I can't believe the time frame I had in my head was so off.  I told him well when u think about it now with a somewhat clearer head doesn't it sound ridiculious to up and leave ur family for somebody u had only been seeing for 2 week. He said yeah of course but then I thought we were in love and I was leaving to start a life with her. He said he really can't remember most of what has happened at all.   
Crazy mind of an MLCer!!!!!

[kikki]

Smitty - thanks for sharing your H's insights - amazing how they all seem to be saying the same things once moving through the tunnel.
Those of us that are yet to hear this from our H's/W's of course are wondering whether we will??