[stayed]

Oh to heck with validating.... JUST SAY NOTHING!  Let it hang there int he air.  Smile and nod. 

Sorry, but I just could not bring myself to VALIDATE his nonsense.... and I still can't.  I wasn't denying his feelings but I sure wasn't going to validate them, he didn't validate any of mine... heck, he didn't give a TINKER about my feelings.  I'm just not that nice.  Nor did I want him back that badly.

You might have noticed the word "validate" really gets up my nose... sorry again, but I just could not let it pass one more time.  Just give them the same STUPID look they give you, when you speak!

hugs Stayed

[StandandDeliver]

Stayed - we must be cut from the same cloth, I find validating very very hard. I am better at mirroring, but I always have to be careful that my mirroring doesn't turn to mocking (hehehe), which a couple of times it has - once when he was on the phone to OW who was fretting cos he'd been at my place "too long" getting his belongings. I smirked (and there was also some eye-rolling I'm afraid!) all the way through his (very pathetic) attempts to placate her!

For me, just saying nothing and staying reasonable but business like is about the best I can do. Fortunately we are more or less NC so I don't have to worry about it anyway!

Thanks to your H for the letter, I read it for the first time today. It is very brave of him to post it on here, but it is interesting to see his reflections on how MLC felt to him.

Take care, Stayed - I always check out your responses cos I like the way you keep it real ;-)

[stayed]

Omg.  that story you told about OW calling when your h was picking up some things at the house.  I had EXACTLY the same situation.  I wasn't nearly as subtle as you... I outright LAUGHED...in his face... even sent a few comments to her... about how good the sex had been... but I was sending him back now! 

I didn't do much to help myself... tbh.  That's the problem I guess with ANGER... and having no wish to control it... it sort of has a mind of its own! 

I always read your comments too Stand... I see so much growth and maturity every passing day.... YOUR H IS A FOOL!  Poor MLC b*stard!

hugs Stayed...

[stayed]

I just wanted to add StandandDeliver, your growth and maturity makes me sad too, you just SEEM way too young, to be going through this. 

hugs... Stayed...

[justkeepmoving]

Stayed,
  I'm with you on this one.  Validate my H's feelings, are you kidding me ?  He could give a rats a** about how I feel and how he has devasted my life.  It's been 9 months since my H ran away from home and nothing has changed, except for me.  Even though this has been the most difficult time of my life thus far it has in many ways been a blessing.  I've learned to be independent and know that I can live without him.  I've tried to do what's right for my Ds and myself only.  The damage he has done to his R with his Ds is inmeasurable but I know now that it's all on him.  For now my H has chosen not to look back on his "old" life which unfortunately includes his girls.  I guess that's why I just can't and won't validate any of his feelings right now.  You're right Stayed poor MLC bastards !!

[BonBon]

Can I chime in here?

I've come to think the word "validation" in any of it's forms is perhaps the most offensive and repugnant term in the world....LOL!

First off, it's the term H has used to describe what he needed from other women in terms of his attractiveness.  He needed "validation" that he is still sexy. 
BLAH!  PUKE!  BLEK! SICK! 

Secondly, my validation of him was "meaningless" because I am after all his wife and therefore, am biased. 
Again, PUKE!  BLEK!  IDIOT!

Thirdly, in learning that I needed to play this game to get through his MLC, I read that I needed to validate him regardless of what he said about my validation.  So at times, I have.  I have validated his looks, his feelings, his that and his that.
And have I been validated in return?  No.  Initially, I was dismissed, insulted and thrown under the bus.  No validation, in fact, the opposite. 

Now that's he progressing, an I validated now?  Not as much as I should be and mostly, when I point out that I SHOULD BE!

So, in my mind, "Validation" is an ugly, dirty word.  And I swear, once through this nonsense, no one will ever get validation from me again unless they fully deserve it and, are the type to return it!

There! I fell better now!  Thanks for letting me vent!
Hugs everyone!

[OldPilot]

Can I chime in here?

I've come to think the word "validation" in any of it's forms is perhaps the most offensive and repugnant term in the world....LOL!

First off, it's the term H has used to describe what he needed from other women in terms of his attractiveness.  He needed "validation" that he is still sexy. 
BLAH!  PUKE!  BLEK! SICK! 

Secondly, my validation of him was "meaningless" because I am after all his wife and therefore, am biased. 
Again, PUKE!  BLEK!  IDIOT!

Thirdly, in learning that I needed to play this game to get through his MLC, I read that I needed to validate him regardless of what he said about my validation.  So at times, I have.  I have validated his looks, his feelings, his that and his that.
And have I been validated in return?  No.  Initially, I was dismissed, insulted and thrown under the bus.  No validation, in fact, the opposite. 

Now that's he progressing, an I validated now?  Not as much as I should be and mostly, when I point out that I SHOULD BE!

So, in my mind, "Validation" is an ugly, dirty word.  And I swear, once through this nonsense, no one will ever get validation from me again unless they fully deserve it and, are the type to return it!

There! I fell better now!  Thanks for letting me vent!
Hugs everyone!

I understand why you feel this way! 

[BonBon]

Hi OP!
I just re-read my post and boy, I do not sound like the 49 year old woman I actually am.  I sound about the level of my darling's MLCer personality!  LOL!

Oh well, you can't go through this without a bit of your own spewing and ranting and kicking and screaming...much like a toddler.  That said, I DO feel that way!  LOL!

 

[LettingGo]

Here's my two cents on the Validation bit.... I understand how you feel Bon Bon, totally! "Validate him" sounds a little like those published articles in 16 Magazine we used to read that advised "Let him win in Tennis and be a good sport!"  After all, we know that's how OW hooked him and reeled him in, right? So why would we want to do that? I DON'T!! Plus, you're correct that they dismiss any compliments from us, because..... WTH do we know, right? We're just the old "ball and chain" and we're "supposed" to love them... unlike OW who "Had no choice because she tried to resist him because he was married, but she just couldn't.... her love and sexual attraction were just TOO strong and she gave in, even though she knew she would give up EVERYTHING in the end...." whaaaaaaa.... somebody call the whambulance! I think our husbands' out of control Estrogen levels are turning them into Romance Novel readers or something, LOL!!

Anyway, validating another person's feelings is what the both of you will be called to do in Marriage Counseling.... it is acknowledging the RIGHT of someone to their point of view, whether you agree or disagree with them. Just because you have made a judgement that what he is doing is WRONG, he is entitled to the DIGNITY of making his own choices and mistakes. Validaing means "I hear what you are saying" It DOES NOT mean "and I approve" got that? It means "I hear you".

When you think of getting validation from your husband, I'll bet you are actually expecting him to agree with you or change something once he has HEARD you and your feelings.... but that would be control.... saying how you feel and getting angry if the other person doesn't agree or change to make you feel better. Most of the time, if I say how I feel, my husband may disagree, but I can see that he is thinking about how to give me what I want, because ultimately, it makes him feel good to do something that makes me happy. You hear people say on here all the time "He knows how I feel.... no point in going over and over it.... that would be nagging."

Personally, I felt invisible in my marriage. Which leads me to wonder what is it in me that needed my husband to look at me and agree with everything I do or say? Hmmmm.... classic abandonment issues. Yet, when I get on a stage, I'm validated as smart, attractive, funny, talented by MANY and sometimes thousands of people INSTANTLY!!

The ironic thing is, I recently stated that I often felt invisible in our marriage and my husband HEARD ME and VALIDATED MY FEELINGS and AGREED TO CHANGE..... his reply to my statement was "I can understand how you felt that way. That was my fault, and I'm sorry." We did that all by ourselves, with no help from a counselor, and it was VALIDATION. But he wasn't capable of it until just recently! He KNOWS OW must go, knows it is wrong, knows it hurts me, and agrees, but has not changed TO MY LIKING.... got that? TO MY LIKING.

So, Validation is simply saying to another person "I hear you." that's all. Sorry for the hijack!!

[Still]

Secondly, my validation of him was "meaningless" because I am after all his wife and therefore, am biased. 

I find this to be so true. I had such admiration for my H. I would still get excited every time he pulled into the driveway. I loved to express how I felt to him. It was something that I liked to hear, so I thought it was important to him. I believe he would have preferred acts of service.

I don't think he ever understood the depths of my love for him. I loved him just the way he was and overlooked any imperfections. Unfortunately, he became somewhat of an idol to me. His MLC has taught me that he really was just human. Made up of all the flaws that humans have. Some parts of MLC are a reality check.