[Searching4Answers]

My strive for independence suited my h because it meant I did not ask him for much, but in true h contradiction style it  made him feel not needed.

Yup

I need to look at my independence - I remember a few years back, H was teasing me that I couldn't do something for myself, I don't remember what it was but I do remember getting really pissed that he thought that I couldn't do it myself. I pride myself on being self-sufficient - maybe a little too much    

[Searching4Answers]

I was reading about narcissism and I realize that our MLCer's are being extremely narcissistic but how many of them had these tendencies before MLC? I was reading an article that talks about how the narcissist does not like to live alone and it got me to wondering if this has anything to do with why our MLCer's are still at home.

Here is the article:
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

[superdog]

This is a good article  S4A.

When I recently researched the passive aggressive information they had renamed it as passive aggressive narcissistic disorder becuSe the traits are so very similar in many ways. So I see a lot of my in this article too.

Only one way to anger a narcissist is to take away the narcasistic supply, then sit back and watch them ramp it up a notch.

Looking back I can see my being the centre of attention, with his dazzling wit. But his wit was always directed at someone. When the tables turned and the guys at his work did it back to him he went along with the joke at the time but was furious inside and ultimately very hurt inside. He could never quite laugh at himself.

Appearances are everything - absolutely my h. But not in a materialistic fashion in the way others viewed him, he must be the good guy. He would bend over backwards for someone outside his family but never for the family itself. I watched his father do the same thing.

I am not surprised they can't live alone, if there is no one there to criticise them you only have yourself and that would never do.

It says that we all have narcasistic traits in us and I believe that, but the ugly ones are contained within our own shadows which we "choose" consciously ( once we accept them) not to act on. Mlcers have not yet acknowledged or integrated that shadow and therefore will act on those ugly traits. Main reason we find them so abhorant. We hate things in others we deny in ourselves.

I kinda don't know if this is the main reason they stay at home as others moving out very rarely live alone either.

SD
X

[Searching4Answers]

It says that we all have narcasistic traits in us and I believe that, but the ugly ones are contained within our own shadows which we "choose" consciously ( once we accept them) not to act on. Mlcers have not yet acknowledged or integrated that shadow and therefore will act on those ugly traits. Main reason we find them so abhorant. We hate things in others we deny in ourselves.

This is where I get really stuck I agree that we all have narcissistic traits and my H has always been a bit on the self-absorbed side - does that really ever change though? I want to believe that H can come through the tunnel healthy/whole but based on past experience I think that I may being fooling myself that it is possible. I am going to need so much more from my H in order for me to want him back that I don't know if he can deliver. I am very torn. I am feeling so disconnected for him that I question whether I can feel a connection again.

Our H's are very similar

I will continue to work on myself and eventually it will all be clear to me.

[stayed]

Nothing is PERFECT Searching4Answers, nothing!  If your h comes out of this, he is not going to be perfect either.  Better, yes, that is possible, but the man of your dreams... no.  Let's be honest, we all know there really is no such creature!  You will never get EVERYTHING you want... who does? 

The thing is, the important traits.  Respectful.  Considerate.  Appreciative.  Loving (truly loving).  Your partner may never be as compassionate and empathetic as you might want him/her to be, but even a small improvement in those area's can be enough.  Can make a huge improvement over your self centered/self absorbed spouse.

You can't tell now Searching4Answers.  You have to FIX yourself first.  Let yourself HEAL.  Then see what you think.  No decisions need to be made now.  No need to latch onto a ONE OPTION solution.  Until you are in a better place, this is not a good time to be making any decisions. 

Try not to dwell on what your h is thinking, or whether he is a narcissist or not.  Whatever your h's problem is, you can't do anything about it.  You are wasting valuable time that could be spent on fixing somebody you can help... YOU! 

Hugs Stayed

Hugs Stayed

[superdog]

Stayed, wash your mouth out, Hugh Jackman is indeed PERFECT and always will be. :-) :-) :-)

Sd
X

[Songanddance]

Agreed - let's put it this way. I wouldn't climb over him to get to my H!!!!

My 82 yr old aunt (who is amazing) said that of her yoga teacher and her husband to whom she has been married (v. happily) for 50+ years.  I definitely LOLd on that one!!!

[Searching4Answers]

Nothing is PERFECT Searching4Answers, nothing!  If your h comes out of this, he is not going to be perfect either.  Better, yes, that is possible, but the man of your dreams... no.  Let's be honest, we all know there really is no such creature!  You will never get EVERYTHING you want... who does? 

The thing is, the important traits.  Respectful.  Considerate.  Appreciative.  Loving (truly loving).  Your partner may never be as compassionate and empathetic as you might want him/her to be, but even a small improvement in those area's can be enough.  Can make a huge improvement over your self centered/self absorbed spouse.

You can't tell now Searching4Answers.  You have to FIX yourself first.  Let yourself HEAL.  Then see what you think.  No decisions need to be made now.  No need to latch onto a ONE OPTION solution.  Until you are in a better place, this is not a good time to be making any decisions. 

Thanks for grounding me stayed

I am not expecting perfection - I am looking at myself and trying to figure out what are the 'must-haves' and what are not.

I get frustrated with the unknown

[stayed]

The unknown's are scary.  That is why even a DIVORCE is preferable to living as you are now.  Limbo, is just a very unhappy place.  We understand your thirst for understanding, sadly... I don't think ANYBODY, even our dear RCR understands MLC completely and the twists and turns it can take.

Hugs Stayed

[summer90]

Just my bit - Hugh Jackman IS perfect - he loves his wife, respects her for who she is and stays married to her no matter what.