[trusting]

I am glad to see a number of others with live-in MLCers on the board.  Well, not GLAD to see you all here, but you know what I mean.     Wish none of us had to deal with MLC.

Elray, I was interested to see your comment about your W starting to reconnect with you about a year after she reconnected with the kids.  My H started reconnecting with the kids "for real" (not just touch and goes) probably close to a year-ish now.  While I wouldn't use the word reconnecting in regards to his relationship with me, he definitely shows signs of thawing and seems more comfortable around me all the time.  I don't feel like the enemy anymore.  We may even be starting to become friends again.

MLC takes such a stupid long time. I swear it feels like he has been in crisis for a hundred years, give or take.

[Becoming_simlpy]

Just wanted to put this out there so thatanyone with a stay at home, mlc can learn by reading other people's journey,  I have one and it is difficult but I am in my core now and forth first time in years my life outside of marriage is growing and expanding.  Self focus is still called for but it is easier when you do not have a ball in your stomach when around mlc environment. 


1. Outside my doors I am thriving both mentally and socially, in my house I am getting by and improving, 
2. stay at home mlc are not very communicative,  so limbo is overwhelming at times.
3. When I have the exceptional great day I am bauble of energy and I like to talk it out, hard when all your friends are  mow Lbs and at different stages of our own journey.
4. I want H to leave so I can grow he is stifling,  and I am beginning to believe he needs to leave for me to heal

Questions
Does any of the above resinate with you
Anyone who has gone through this with spouse at home, first I bow down and second how did you do it?

[riverbirch]

Mine is home. Left Oct. 2012 for about 6 weeks without seeing him. Christmas time he was around. Then would come home a couple days back and forth. Went through the replay. OW discovered fall 2013. Stopped coming around when I found out and started again. He was home in March/ April 2014. Left again October 2015. Two weeks later back home. Still home.

Oh it's rough. Dead. No emotions. We have a d getting married the end of October. Try dealing with that. He's suppose to pick a father daughter song. Stressing about not having cash to help out,school,homework,life.

I try to do things on my own,which is hard. I'm a homebody. We live in a small apartment. Sometimes it's hard so I go driving.Something I don't go home right after work and sit at my d.

Sometimes I think I'm absolutely nuts. I keep to myself so people don't ask questions. I'm sick of explaining. Plus I try not to let this mess drag me down. I try to stay happy. Which I think bothers our delightful mates.

[Thunder]

sraya,

I stayed in the house with my H the first year or so.  It was hard but I felt the benefit of it was, he got a ringside seat to watch my changed and growth.  Whether you believe it or not they DO watch you.

I showed him a happy, friendly person, even if he didn't at times.

I think eventually most of them start wondering why you are so happy.  Their not.  What is it she is doing that I'm not?
Just like RCR said in one of her articles, they are miserable and their life is not making them happy.  Be an example to him. Show him your strength.  They have none.
They are drawn to strength.

Now having said that, IF you truly think you can not heal with him in the house, it's your choice to ask him to leave.
Sometimes it does help for you to get some peace and space.

Just make sure this is the best thing for YOU.  Everything you do needs to be about your healing.

[Anjae]

Sraya, stay at home MLCers tend to be low energy MLCers/wallowers. I've merged your thread with an existing one we have about low energy MLCers. On the first post of the thread there is a link for the previous thread on the subject and also to RCR articles about low energy MLCers/wallowers.



p.s. I have actually find a more suitable thread to merge with yours, one that is about Live In MLCers. In case you want to read about the one about Low Energy MLCers you can go herel: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8089.10

[Sahmom]

My MLCer is at home from start to now. 3 1/2 years and it is not over. We are going through the divorce now.

It is very hard for me. In the beginning, when I didn't know he was in MLC, having him at home, I made all the mistakes the LBS should not have made. Because of the fact he was always around (when not away on business), sent me a wrong message. I was trying very hard to please him, please the family.... and he was treating me and the marriage like there was nothing wrong only that we were not intimate. 2 1/2 years later he dropped the D bomb citing separation as the grounds for D.

One year after D bomb, he is still here although he said on BD day that he was leaving. We both are not the arguing or quarrelsome type. Since marriage till today, we have not shouted or screamed at each other. We were like everyone else here, very much a happy family. Not the perfect one, not the one where nothing goes wrong, but still a happy family. You know what I mean.  Yes, he rewrote history - he said we quarreled all the time.

It was difficult for me to think that my ever loving and caring H has done and said all these. I didn't set boundaries until few months back. Should have done so earlier. He was having it all - getting his D soon, keeping his money (or so he thought), stops giving me sufficient for my expenses and the household, goes and comes and expecting that the household is still taken care of, eats with us (I finally put a stop to it).

How did I feel? I was torn between being what I am and what I should do. It became a cat and mouse situation. He comes home, I hide, he goes out, I come out of my room. I have just changed that. I sit around the house and he hides. He only comes out when the children are home.

I don't know what I would have preferred if I had a choice of having at stay at home MLCER or one that left. Doesn't matter , I  don't have a choice, he wrote the script. I can only say that I can see the some of the changes he is going through as he is still here. His replay activities are less, he is connecting with the children. And it hurts when I see my children going out with him, when I should be there too. 

[OffRoad]

And it hurts when I see my children going out with him, when I should be there too. 

I hear that one. I want my kids to have a relationship with their dad, and I don't want to burden them, but dang, it really does hurt. Every time.

[Thunder]

Sahmom,

Mine did that in the beginning, too.  Said we fought all the time.  I just looked at him like he had 2 heads.  You are certainly not talking about "US."  We hardly ever said a cross word to each other threw out our whole marriage.   

But it takes time for them to see how wrong their thinking is.   It's just made up stuff in their head to make them feel better about what their doing.
They can't possibly be leaving their family for no reason.   

Did you fight the "separation" grounds if he never left?  I think he needs to do better than that.  It's a lie.

[Loyal]

Thanks superdog for this super post.
 
My MLCer is still living at home, the only time he left was for about 2 months in 2010. He has been threatening me constantly for the past few years that he intends on leaving again, but this time for good. At some stage a few months ago, I started replying to him that he`s welcome to go if he wants. Since then,  he`s stopped saying that he`s leaving but that I should be the one to go.

[Sahmom]

OR,   

Did you fight the "separation" grounds if he never left?  I think he needs to do better than that.  It's a lie.

I challenged that but in the end I'll have to give in for financial reasons.  .