[CallanG]

I am not even sure they know themselves, my h could could be the life and soul , happy , laughing and then he might go down for a few weeks and then pick up and would okay for long periods of time.

[trusting]

Whether they show it outwardly or not, MLCers have this bubbling under the surface for many years.   The childhood wounding, whatever it is that causes the MLC has been there since they were young.  It just erupts at mid life.  We may not really see evidence of it until their crisis.

I found a card after BD that my husband had given me during one of the years that our marriage was allegedly just so awful.  He called me his "joy."  And now he says our relationship was the cause of his unhappiness?   There might have been some rewriting of history going on.

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

My H put in a MASSIVE skating rink last winter, and he skated with the kids most of the season. He took really good care of it for a bit, and then quit it.

I did try and show him the pictures of him and the kids skating, and he gave it a millisecond glance.

He's had happy times in our marriage too and throughout his life. I honestly never clued in that he might be depressed, until after the BD. NEVER. I just thought he was moody and childish!

I can say that his highs and severe lows got closer together near the end. If he was heading on the road for the work trip, he was happy... and I'd started to tease him about it and asked him if he "hated" me.

During the BD apart from telling me how I'd failed as a wife, he told me he just wanted to work and travel.... he forgot to mention the girlfriend, which he's now added to the mix. Since the divorce, he has ramped up the travel and GF time and is only wedging the kids in here and there. Oh, and he's decided to move permanently to the neighbor city which means he won't be able to help me out much with daycare/school commuting. My point is, I think his depression ramped up with the divorce... don't think he saw that one coming.

[nah]

I also wonder if the only way i could cope or make peace with XH's abandonment, deception, betrayal and cruelty - is to convince myself that XH is depressed and in a bad way.  Is this the only way I can find compassion?? - if i believe that XH is in a bad place??  What if XH like most of us is actually content and simply like all humans cycles goes through into difficult times, experiences some depression, fears aging and so needs an OW much younger than himself. 

I guess what I'm struggling with is moment's quote.  Maybe we are just grasping for answers to make sense of our lives.  It still doesn't make sense to me that my husband can love and live with me for 28+ years and then just say, "I changed and I don't know why".  Depression or some other "dis-ease" gives me a reason to hope that he will "wake up" and love me again.  If some "stay in the tunnel" maybe just maybe they just "changed".

Sorry, I usually feel so confident about the process of MLC, but lately he just seems so sure of his decisions. 

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

@ Fred - I am in the same boat as you. I told him we can be "friends" when he's "finished going down this destructive path."

[Sha10613]

Not me. I don't believe that the sweetest man can turn into the meanest uncaring person at the drop of a dime... All because they no longer want to be with you. Not wanting to be with someone doesn't mean u treat them like dirt. It's actually easier not to. Its because they are guilty that they villianize us. If they sincerely believed that deep down it wouldn't work with us, then they wouldn't need to justify why they left to themselves and other people. I've suffered from depression, and I know self-absorbed you can become. I also know how well it can be hidden, from others... And even from yourself in a sense... Unfortunately. If there wasn't such a drastic personality change - that is evident to both his family and friends... Perhaps I would be a little unsure. That's not the case, though. I know my husband will come out of this - I just don't know when.. And yes, I do believe that ppl do get stuck in the tunnel... Some figure it out on their death bed as we have read :/.. Why? Because I know a few... And they have verbalized that they know there is something wrong inside... One in their 50's and one in late 40's. Depression probably not apparent to everyone else, but I have because of the family relation. Hugs ps- typing this on my phone so it might be a hot mess and all over the place

[Sha10613]

In regards to the MLCer "having fun" and especially the "pleasure" they are getting from their REPLAY behaviors, I really think from everything I've read about these men as products of childhood trauma (especially) have a completely different definition of "pleasure".

I do believe these MLCer's are completely emotional numb (chronic depression) during "REPLAY" and that it is the "forbidden fruit" behaviors that are allowing them to feel at least a little bit, maybe sometimes a lot. They are not out there "living it up" while we take care of the children and household responsibilities. Every moment is still just trying to "survive life" and not actually live it.

I believe my H came to me in a depressed state. My Dad was is a depressed man, so I always said "it's a man thing". Despite his lack of engagement and periods of isolation, emotional outbursts, pity parties, etc etc.... I loved our marriage and family unit. We were best friends. I have no regrets. I do think though, that when he married me and all, he thought that was the answer, and it didn't work. he was still unhappy. I DEFINITELY do not blame myself.

I also believe that if they're telling you they're happier now when you didn't ask, it's because they certainly aren't!!

I agree with everything you wrote... especially what's bolded. Well said.

[DaRealist]

Not me. I don't believe that the sweetest man can turn into the meanest uncaring person at the drop of a dime... All because they no longer want to be with you. Not wanting to be with someone doesn't mean u treat them like dirt. It's actually easier not to. Its because they are guilty that they villianize us. If they sincerely believed that deep down it wouldn't work with us, then they wouldn't need to justify why they left to themselves and other people. I've suffered from depression, and I know self-absorbed you can become. I also know how well it can be hidden, from others... And even from yourself in a sense... Unfortunately. If there wasn't such a drastic personality change - that is evident to both his family and friends... Perhaps I would be a little unsure. That's not the case, though. I know my husband will come out of this - I just don't know when.. And yes, I do believe that ppl do get stuck in the tunnel... Some figure it out on their death bed as we have read :/.. Why? Because I know a few... And they have verbalized that they know there is something wrong inside... One in their 50's and one in late 40's. Depression probably not apparent to everyone else, but I have because of the family relation. Hugs ps- typing this on my phone so it might be a hot mess and all over the place

I feel exactly like you do.  Whenever I doubt, I read over trusting's 30 Signs of MLC.  My XW hit 28 of them easily.  28 of 30.  When I read over it and see my XW splattered all over that list, I no longer have any doubt at all.

[living with Hope]

I guess what I'm struggling with is moment's quote.  Maybe we are just grasping for answers to make sense of our lives.  It still doesn't make sense to me that my husband can love and live with me for 28+ years and then just say, "I changed and I don't know why".  Depression or some other "dis-ease" gives me a reason to hope that he will "wake up" and love me again.  If some "stay in the tunnel" maybe just maybe they just "changed".

Sorry, I usually feel so confident about the process of MLC, but lately he just seems so sure of his decisions.

The thoughts that I am wrestling with right now too!
So does this mean that you and I are following along with the LBS script?

I am questioning his timing, his choice to pick the OW over me and his family.  I am questioning the sureness and the abrupt change in clinging to the fact that I am now dead to him.  I am questioning everything.  And maybe he just did change and does not love or even like me.  But if that was the case, would his children still be part of the equation, would he be able to parent with me instead of ignoring me? 

I don't know... But what I do know is that I ask the same questions you were asking.

[blackice]

i have those doubts too, especially during those times when he is being quiet and not talking to me like crazy.