[DaRealist]

And DaRealist, damn...I'm so sorry.  Do not believe her words though.  I'm willing to bet she'll be eating her words big time one day and wishing she could go back in time and take them back.

She probably doesn't remember saying it and I won't ever remind her.  I remember her saying to me once, "I feel so empowered.".  I didn't understand what she meant at the time, but now I do.  Bullying gives one a sense of empowerment, especially our spouses dealing with MLC.  Watching a strong person be reduced to crying, begging and depression by their own hand makes them feel empowered.  I find the best way to turn the tables is to gain inner strength, reclaim your self-worth and learn not to react.  It takes away their sense of strength.  They need that reaction to help them combat their inner feeling of helplessness and loss of control.  I chose to not react to anything XW said or did unless it was an emergency.  Even when the truck was repossessed, I didn't say a word.  I will only bring out the claws if she endangers our children or creates a space that is not safe for them -- and she hasn't done that other than the emotional abandonment associated with MLC.

Months of not getting a reaction from me has broken her resolve.  Now she creates opportunities to connect and communicate.  She desires to be "friends".  She spent an hour begging me for money a few days ago, using "please" over and over again.  She is not a bully anymore because I no longer allow it.  Monster needs cooperation.  Monster needs to feed off of fear.  Once you decide to grow and you no longer emit that fear Monster so desperately needs, it changes the game.  Monster goes in hiding and, I believe, is eventually starved off.

So really, it depends on us.  That's why it is so important for us to do the inner work -- to gain strength, perspective and reclaim our self-worth.

Here's a quote from readytofixmyselffirst that helped me a lot when I was dealing with Monster at her very worst.

You will recover.. it just doesn't feel like it right now. Do not let his crisis become your own crisis.

Could not have said it better myself. You are the strong and he is weak. His strength comes and stems only from your misery. He is a bully and if I could come over and work him over, I would. Remember, a bully strength comes from your fear. Do not fear him at all. What is he right now? A bully nothing more, nothing less. 

He is the lost one and you need to flip the tables on him. He left his family- "the boys every other weekend for six hours" Does that sound like a father? They are not his children, they are his playthings.

You want to break the mask he wears? Enjoy your life and take comfort that GOD will provide for you. Don't think about what you are missing, focus on what you still have. The children are still yours. A parent can't buy respect or love. They will see the selfish destruction that he did to them and more importantly, their mother.

I want you to strand, not for your marriage, your husband, or anyone else- just stand for yourself. Be yourself and rejoice in being you. (((((hugs)))))

[MeNow]

Good post DR and good advice.

[toomanytearss]

Just what I needed to read today.  Thank you.

[terrified_in_TN]

This topic is still one that leaves my head spinning. Prior to w departure she was so conflicted. I don't think she ever said she did not want to hurt me, but her actions spoke that she didn't want to. She cried a lot. We both did.

Shortly after her arrival in her hometown she was still nice and testing the waters i believe. I just now remember has stating to me "you would still take me back."

However shortly after, everything exploded and the monster came out. She flipped whatever remaining emotional ties with me off like a light switch. There has been NO cycling towards me at all since. Is this influence of OM?

-Terrified

[Dji76]

Agreed, great post DR. As soon as I started standing up to monster she stopped doing in to me and has since monsteed on her sisters and her bro in law. I set a boundary with her that I won't speak to her for a few days when she gets verbally agressive with me. It hasn't stopped that behavior all together but I do get apologies now when it does happen. I usually say "apology accepted, talk another day." Seems to have helpped.

[Pixiegirl]

DaRealist,
Your post put things in perspective for me. I didn't react when he was bullying. I just sat and stared at him. I said nothing. Reason being is that the prior time before he left I argued and fought back. He used this as an excuse to leave. This last time I was determined to make sure that he only had himself to blame.

He has done a lot of things the past 6 months. I have given no reaction. Just "matter of fact" statements. No anger towards him and calm when I have talked to him. I have not begged, cried or pleaded this time. I haven't asked him for a thing.  I have turned it all back on him. Every bit of it. His destruction is all his.  I guess I took away his power and didn't even know I was doing it. He bullies the roomie now.

 

[Medusa]

The bullying drives me crazy, but like others, I've learned to handle to calmly. If I'm in the same room with him, I ignore it. When he tries to bully me via email, I ignore it. He learning: he doesn't get a reaction out of me, anymore, so he is moving on to greener pastures and makes himself look like a buffoon (his word).

[Janus2014]

I wish I had learned this a few months ago - H has played me like a fiddle so that I get upset and he can justify what he is doing.  Now he's going to turn up here later this week.  He's already playing games with his flight plans.  I just felt tempted to react, but I didn't, yet. 

[foreveryourwife]

My H intentionally hurt me quite a bit in the first month after BD. It was the worst of his monster phases, and he felt guilty because he knew he was in the wrong. He even said when he's uncomfortable or something is upsetting or hurting him, he cuts it off. He was trying to cut me off because he felt I was the cause of his unhappiness.
As the months have gone by he still does the occasional monster and intentional hurt, but I think he feels guilty over it. In MC he admits he feels like a bully and he doesn't want to hurt me. He liked that MC would allow us to communicate without him feeling mean or unfair. He's like a broken record "I don't want to hurt you", yet he's the one abandoning the marriage. He also rehashes the past daily, selectively remembering only the bad times and exaggerating them 500%. That I know he does intentionally to hurt me because I've brought up with him in our MCs reccommended Non Violent Communication technique, how much that rehashing hurts and stresses me. 
My detaching has taken some of that power away from him. I try to remain indifferent and not allow him to make me cry when he does this. I kinda shut down and tune him out as soon as he starts a rehashing session.
His cycling and pretzeling also leans towards hurting but not as intentionally. He knows how to push my buttons, it's obvious... But I feel this behavior is more from his confusion and constantly changing emotions. And because I feel it's not in malice, I tend to get caught up in the cycling and pretzel myself. This is where I am now putting my main energy in detaching. While I love the good days and when our reactionship shows promise, I also know it gets my hopes up and sets me up for an emotional roller coaster. It's soooo hard.

I also want to chime in that my H suffers from severe depression and uses alcohol as a crutch. He has nobody to talk to other than his alcoholic/junkie twice divorced single brother. The guy is a train wreck. We had to bail him out of jail on our wedding day. He has bankrupted us with his constant begging for money and my H giving in. H also knows this hurts me and still chooses to keep helping his brother. I try and ignore it now since there is nothing I can do and don't want to give H the satisfaction of a reaction.

I don't know what we're doing right now... After last MC session and H now saying he's back to wanting a separation. I know he wants me to give up and let him go. I worry the biggest intentional hurt he can do is have an affair. I'm one of the lucky ones who's MLC spouse didn't/doesn't have an OW. He knows if he does, that's it. I won't give him another chance.

[hawk]

Hawk

I feel your pain brother.  Keep strong prayers.  I have similar experiences still searching for the "why?"  why must it be this way?  This was not our dream our vision if the future?

You to man and thanks . l hope you find some of those answers , it does help . l have been luckier in some of those ways .
And l mean you nailed it ,it wasn't our dream , vows , was it ? Or the effort we were prepared to go through for our family if it was needed.
Once upon a time , they felt the same , it's so bizarre  the way they give up and walk away .
l hope things are getting better for you . l've come a looonnnggg way but there is still - stuff !