[hawk]

I think some of them do nasty ,hateful things and know what they are doing.

I know mine said some pretty rotten stuff. When I found out he had friended his ex gf from high school I said something to him. I got the coldest ,meanest voice from him. He said ' So you're on here and friended such and such. You're on here and on and on. I know he looked her up to be spiteful. Once when I mentioned him screwing some one else he threw that in my face as well. Bringing back my own affair,like I had just done it.  He had a revenge affair then but that was ok.

Then there's the fact he lost the house. He can blame everything under the sun for that one. I believe he did it on purpose with all his spending and bar hopping. Having a grand old time and not giving a rat's a$$ if we lived or died. I can see him saying f u to all of us every time he got a mortgage reminder. He told me right around the time I met the hag,that he wasn't paying anything anymore and even thought he was going to sign the house over to our son,but that fell through too.

I think part of them hurting us comes from the OP too. They're busy filling their heads with bull and the more they hear the more they hate us.  So the more hurt they cause to shut that wonderful affair partner up and keep them happy.

Yep l can hear om in all sorts of things she says and attitudes. Om's never been married or had kids either . An older single person can never understand a family , children , the depth of all that ad the childs emotions.

lf you had an affair earlier , that would explain a lot with h. My ex thought l was having one to and admittedly it had become a pretty strong EA but l stopped it going any further and wanted to repair us .
l'm not sure about your h though but l never realized how my thing was effecting my ex though and it did turn her into stone for sure.
Maybe your h too .

[hawk]

This topic is still one that leaves my head spinning. Prior to w departure she was so conflicted. I don't think she ever said she did not want to hurt me, but her actions spoke that she didn't want to. She cried a lot. We both did.

Shortly after her arrival in her hometown she was still nice and testing the waters i believe. I just now remember has stating to me "you would still take me back."

However shortly after, everything exploded and the monster came out. She flipped whatever remaining emotional ties with me off like a light switch. There has been NO cycling towards me at all since. Is this influence of OM?

-Terrified

Mine was a similar mix at first . Before she left , she cried in my lap one night and even asked me , if it should be this hard.
l said no , of course not . It is this hard for you because your forcing it all onto yourself ,your going in the wrong direction ,you know that . You are quitting on your family , our daughter , me , you know that is wrong.
And that night l thought she was turning , she came so close.
But the next night she came home and l could tell she'd seen om again. Even though l told her , if you see him again before you move out of this house then do not bother coming back .
But l know she did sneak a few in .

But her resolve was back , and there were words and attitudes that weren't her own . He was literally counseling her , guiding her , out of her home , family and to him .
And even though l'm not sure what their thing is these days , it must be very part time if it is at all ,l can still hear him doing that with her in things she says now , and attitudes .

They seem to have them under a spell , and they will manipulate them out of your home .
Over in talkaboutmarriage  , they say if you can't destroy the affair then you have probably lost them for now. 

[riverbirch]

Yeah she had mine under a spell. She's divorced and has three kids the same age range as ours. She messaged me one time telling me ' He had raised his kid's Meaning it was ok for him to be doing what he did. She saw nothing wrong with what he did to me. Real b!tc# that one. She even said some stuff to me I know he said. Stuff about me. Complaints that knew would hurt if he said them to me. Let's not forget they had dated in high school. So Op do make a difference on their meanness.

[terrified_in_TN]

thanks hawk and riverbirch.

  Hawk one thing I have noticed between yours, mine, and MeNow's sitch is that all 3 of us had our own "EA"; in my case I believe it was a "mini MLC" in 2009, but now that I think more about it, maybe it wasn't so "mini" after all.  I think I started at an attempt at high energy replay, and when old flame didn't share the same rose colored view of the past as I did, I became a low-energy wallower.

  God, I so regret it.  I wonder if it would have made any difference at all?  Another down day for me again.  I remember a co-worker who is studying psychology said the grief should last about 6 weeks.  I wonder if that is "normal" grief, because its been a hell of a lot longer than that, and here I am in tears yet AGAIN.  WTF?

-Terrified

[Pixiegirl]

Terrified-
6 weeks? That is textbook talk. I know from experience grief can take as long as it takes. Every person grieves different. This textbook talk on grief is what leads society to say the things they say like "you need to move on." "its been long enough."  Do not listen to any of that. Take as long as you want to grieve. Your mind and your body will let you know when it is healed.

[terrified_in_TN]

Thanks Pixie.  I am just so afraid I am going to "get stuck".  I am still in utter disbelief that any of this is even happening.  Why am I so damn depressed...I HATE ALL OF THIS.  I would not wish this crap on ANYONE.

-T

-EDIT-  I didn't mean to derail the topic.  But to answer the topic, I would have to say YES, absolutely.  I am still just trying to figure out "WHY" they need to be so mean...

[Pixiegirl]

I was trying to think of times that H monstered at me when he was sober. Pre 4th BD, August 2013 we went on a family vacation with friends. H was seeking out all the 20 somethings at the pool and partying with them. He spent very little time with S and I. He stayed drunk and stoned almost the whole time. On our way back at the airport I guess I had an attitude about his behavior on the trip. He monstered at me in the airport in front of everyone. He said "You keep up with that attitude and I'll pack my stuff and leave when we get home."  I was stunned. On the plane I was crying. One of our friends asked him why he did that to me. His answer was "I didn't mean to make her cry, but I had to." The friend asked why and he said "because she's not going to control me, I'm going to do what I want."

[riverbirch]

Plus I think grief over a dead loved one is different than this grief. 

I had a real crisis coming to a head in 2004. Affair and all.

[Anjae]

I wonder if it would have made any difference at all? 

IMHO it would have not. Even if the EA, could had, somehow, accelerate the other spouse MLC, the MLC would had happened EA or no EA.

Plus I think grief over a dead loved one is different than this grief. 

Agree. The dead of a loved one, hard it is, is an end, there is closure. MLC is an open situation that lasts an unknown number of years and brings many things while it is occuring.

At times we have one BD after another and even if there is no BD there are usually many issues that the LBS keeps to have to deal with.

Anyway, 6 weeks of grief, no matter what the situations, seems a very, very, short amount of time. And like Pixie said, grief lasts as long as it lasts, and the leght will be different for each person.

[terrified_in_TN]

I wonder if it would have made any difference at all? 

IMHO it would have not. Even if the EA, could had, somehow, accelerate the other spouse MLC, the MLC would had happened EA or no EA.

Plus I think grief over a dead loved one is different than this grief. 

Agree. The dead of a loved one, hard it is, is an end, there is closure. MLC is an open situation that lasts an unknown number of years and brings many things while it is occuring.

At times we have one BD after another and even if there is no BD there are usually many issues that the LBS keeps to have to deal with.

Anyway, 6 weeks of grief, no matter what the situations, seems a very, very, short amount of time. And like Pixie said, grief lasts as long as it lasts, and the leght will be different for each person.

  Thing is, my "mini MLC" happened in 2009.  On one hand, she stuck around all these years.  On the other she told me "she should have left 5 years ago."  But again, that may just be the MLC talking as maybe she feels that I wasted "5 good years of her youth"...

  The closure aspect of MLC really scares me.  I am an extreme introvert in person, and therefore not a relationship pursuer.  All the relationships I have been in, they pursued me.  Anyway, I never got "proper closure" from old flame.  That coupled with discontent at that time in my life and an unexpected "path crossing" is what precipitated the EA and my mini MLC.  Had I have had "proper closure", maybe that would have never happened idk.

  I've said it before in other threads, but the irony to this is since me and w are on our way to d I could easily reach out to old flame again, and being on my way to d might could rekindle something.  But the thing is, I have no desire to at all.  Last time I saw her there was no attraction physically, and the more we communicated, the more I realized there was no attraction emotionally as well.  That chapter has been closed.

  You just have to laugh at life sometimes.  The crazy sh!t we do.

-T