[Pixiegirl]

Op u forgot a stage it's called mlcers reality check be careful what u wish for u may just get it.

And I say it all the time !!!

[HeartTattoo]

" I know you don't love me anymore, I know you have been cheating on me for the last 15 years. I know that you want to end our marriage. "  When I asked him for proof of this - he said he had none; he had discussed me with OW and was in agreement with her that that was why he had to end this painful marriage of ours. 

Yes, the OW is the perfect one to get M advice from          .  When mine told me he had "found someone who liked him, because he hadn't felt that from me in a long time", I said that maybe he should have discussed that with me instead of some stranger he met on the internet.  All he could do was mutter "Yeah".

Like Stayed said, a married woman cheating on her H & dazzled by your shiny foreign car & motorcycles?  Yep, the perfect one with whom to discuss your intimate thoughts about your M.  No wonder they get so f'ed up.

[stayed]

It kills me.  These partners of ours are USUALLY so skeptical.  At least mine was.  He questions/questioned everything, takes nothing at face "value"!  Yet, every word out of the OW, was credible!!      WTF??

Can we say MID LIFE CRAZY?  When you look at this from an outsiders point of view, can you blame our friends and relatives for looking at us, LIKE WE ARE THE DILLUSIONAL ONES?  Unless you are actually experiencing this, it is simply unbelievable. 

It's understandable that the LBS has trouble believing it is happening, "denial" so to speak.  We didn't have "troubled" marriages, not perfect of course but for the most part, our lives were quite ideal.  Hence the shock and surprise when our friends, acquaintances, family etc., hear that our spouses have left us.  That's what differentiates this from "other" marital breakdowns!

Hugs Stayed

[HeartTattoo]

It's understandable that the LBS has trouble believing it is happening, "denial" so to speak.  We didn't have "troubled" marriages, not perfect of course but for the most part, our lives were quite ideal.  Hence the shock and surprise when our friends, acquaintances, family etc., hear that our spouses have left us.  That's what differentiates this from "other" marital breakdowns!

This!  So very much this is it.  And this is what sets off the MLC/LBS syndrome (maybe we can work back to our stages  ).  The shock, the disbelief (I think a better word that denial), the incomprehension, the search for answers, the attempts at R talk. 

How could this be happening when I didn't know anything about it?  How could you have been so unhappy & not even mentioned it?  How could you be saying this is what you thought I believed about our M when it is so obviously not true?  How could you say our M is over when there was no discussion that our M had "problems"?  How come I don't get any say in this?  How can you be throwing away this (10, 20, 40 year) M without even an attempt to "fix" what you think is wrong with it?  And as my S-30 said to his dad, "WTF is wrong with you"?

 

[nah]

This!  So very much this is it.  And this is what sets off the MLC/LBS syndrome (maybe we can work back to our stages  ).  The shock, the disbelief (I think a better word that denial), the incomprehension, the search for answers, the attempts at R talk. 

How could this be happening when I didn't know anything about it?  How could you have been so unhappy & not even mentioned it?  How could you be saying this is what you thought I believed about our M when it is so obviously not true?  How could you say our M is over when there was no discussion that our M had "problems"?  How come I don't get any say in this?  How can you be throwing away this (10, 20, 40 year) M without even an attempt to "fix" what you think is wrong with it?

Does any of these things happen in "normal" divorces? 

It's the divorced people that drive me the craziest.  They think I should be celebrating.  I often ask if they were surprised.  "Well, we were fighting alot, counseling didn't work, etc...,"  No, we were very happy for 25+ years (even husband admits this) and then BAM, mic drop and he left.  That was it.  No relationship talk, nothing.  How am I supposed to "move on" when I don't know what went wrong?  I often question if MLC is real but I need something to understand.  It's not like we were together for 2-3 years, almost 30 years is a long time to just shrug my shoulders and forget about it.

[stayed]

The hardest part for me to grasp was the arbitrariness of it.  Our marriage was based on team work.  With 5 children, a very busy military career, long absences, we had to be on the same page.  We DISCUSSED things.  Then one day, poof, I've met somebody else.  I am going to everything I can to build a good relationship with my new partner.  I have been UNHAPPY a long time.  (of course started out, last couple of years, then the last 5 or 10, eventually, he never loved me, was never happy from day 1 of our marriage, yep for 28 years, he lived in complete misery)... still makes me shriek... W T F ! ! !

Yes, I agree with you, I think "disbelief" is a far better word to use in our situations, then "denial"!  I'll be honest with you, I knew it was happening, I was 100% aware it was happening, I was not denying a damn thing, what I could not grasp was... WHAT THE H HAPPENED ? ? ?

I wasn't the only person who couldn't believe he had left me either.  As the news slowly trickled out, everywhere I went, I had to deal with utter disbelief.  I cannot tell you how often I heard, "you were the last two people I ever thought would split up"!  Or, "OMG, if you two have split up, there is not hope for our marriage"! 

Yea, disbelief!  That's the word.  I was STUCK there for at least 3 months... 3 more after that of intermittent "disbelief"!  I think I skipped straight to "anger" after that. hehehe Bouts of isolation, I have always been a person that has to be alone, to work through stuff.  Then right on cue to anger.  Then lots of bargaining... oh my goodness, did I try to bargain, honestly, it was more like "begging"... cheeks still go on fire when I think of that... yep, shock, disbelief, isolation, beg...ooops bargaining, depression... the likes of which I didn't even know existed.  Being my normal self opinionated broad that I am, to me depression was self inflicted, inner remorse.  Let it go... why dwell on it.  Goodness, I couldn't compartmentalize this like I always had with anything UNPLEASANT or DISTURBING!  Actually, that was probably my special form of denial, hehehe... no could do this time. 

Finally, I started having some short lived bouts of acceptance.  They didn't last long.  I was like an Indian rubber ball, I was bouncing all over the place, in rapid succession.  Wait 5 minutes and I'd be somewhere/somebody/someplace ELSE.  It was pretty ugly. 

I still wrestle with accepting that my h could become that person.  I should be long past it and I am over it for sure, but I still find myself thinking, "who knew, who knew that person lived within this for the most part, kindly, considerate, loving man?"  I keep an eye out for that guy.  I'm not obsessed about it, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you, I keep a wary eye out for his return.  Definitely want to get the hell out of the way, if that "dude" ever makes a reappearance!

I tend to think there is that wariness with anybody and LBSer hooks up with.  I don't live in fear of it, but I don't want to be around it, at all, ever again.  So I want to get out of the way, at the first sign of it happening.  You can't do that, if you aren't watching out for it. 

I admit, I have some residual "trust" issues, hehehe.  Not even going to attempt to explain them and I definitely will not apologize for them.

Just saw your post nah....

Does any of these things happen in "normal" divorces? 

I often ask if they were surprised. 

Ditto, ditto!  Anybody I knew who divorced, saw it coming.  They were not happy together, had not been for a long time.  They actually still like each other, but just did not like being together.

DGU always said this.  "The difference between a normal divorce and an MLC divorce", there is no SURPRISE in the normal divorce.  With the MLC divorce, the only way to word it is SHOCKED, DISBELIEF!!! 

Hugs Stayed

[Blindsided13]

A year later and I am still in disbelief, I still don't understand what happened. Or how it went from I am unhappy, it is me, to it is all your fault because you wouldn't change. I think on BD was the closest to the truth I will ever have, we lost the spark, life is mundane, same thing day in day out. OK so you were bored, so instead of talking to me, and US trying to work it out, YOU decided to have an affair and leave your family and the only person who has stood by you for 28 years for some chick, 16 years younger, who you lied about for a year. This is the man I believed was honorable, truthful, faithful, loyal. I had utter and complete trust in him, I felt loved and safe. Funny, now he says I was arrogant. Arrogant in believing my Husband, believing in my marriage? The stuff they come up with truly defies logic. The only choice we have is to let go or be dragged down with them.

[stayed]

Are you able to identify the stage you are in?  Do you find it helpful to understand what YOU are going through, being able to say, oh dang, I'm angry again... sure will be glad when I work my way through this "stuff"?

Do you find you are less "depressed" then you were, or more so? Are you still "disbelieving" as much as you did at first?  Do you still feel shocked? 

Does anybody know how often we go through the stages, before we start to accept.  I think the only stage I gave up on by the end of the first 3 months, was the begging... ooops I mean bargaining!  All the rest, I just kept rippling through them.  Sometimes all of them in an hour, hehehe.  Does that count as part of the STAGES S&D.

Blindsided, I have been impressed by you from the very first day you signed onto this forum.  You were up and going to work, posting here with us, getting your kids counseling, yourself counseling and on and on, saw a lawyer and you weren't even at the 3 months point, when you did all those things. 

All I can say not my dear young lady, you are just at the year point now.  From here on in, it is different.  You are off the floor.  You are fluctuating through Anger, isolation, anger, depression, anger, acceptance, anger, some forgiveness... anger.  Many of my friends that are now 3/4 years into this, they are still experiencing anger.  They are less depressed, much less depressed but still go there now and then.  They accept their situation, completely.  They accept the recurring anger, isolation and depression... some of them are little upset because they are finding it difficult to FORGIVE. 

Personally, I think forgiveness is dead last.  That being said, I've had a lot of people beg to differ about that... but who am I to say. 

Just keep on posting blindsided.  Your input is invaluable.

Hugs Stayed

Towards the end, the only BARGAINING I did was with myself... "Stayed, PLEASE stop dwelling on this... let it go!  If you let it go for an hour, I will let you beat up another pillow tonight".

[Picton]

Hi

This is my first time I have posted - please bare with me if I haven't done it correctly.
Sorry if this is a little late but Stayed I think the Maori arm band would be perfect for a tattoo. If you can work the words "kia kaha" (stay strong) into the design would make it a very appropriate LBS tatt. Good luck!

[stayed]

Picton, where were you when I wanted to do the Maori Arm Band.. I would have loved to have "stay strong" implemented into the design.  I am going to look into that.  I draw quite well, so I shall find a "typical" Maori Arm Band design, is there one you could recommend.  Send me the link if you do. 

That is a tattoo that I truly would be tempted to have done... even now.

hugs Stayed