Skip to main content

Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Part Three

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Male
Mirror-Work Re: Return Stories Part Three
#50: January 06, 2020, 07:53:42 AM
Yes Sea exactly - also I only see the MLC that cause major upset in families with children and who need assistance to cope, so i will have missed many cases!

I would say that it is very rare to see a MLC that results in an AP that then develops in to a long term stable relationship - two broken halves do not make a whole.

I also meet a lot of recovered MLCers who cannot recognise who they were in MLC - I hear a lot of 'I dont know who i was during that time'. or 'I was temporarily mad'.  Many use the terms 'lost'.

It seems that often this realisation comes too late - as I suspect it may in my case.  All this experience has been less useful than reading this forum - the resources here are of amazing quality and I for one would have lost my patience long ago if not for HS.

LW
  • Logged

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 129
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#51: January 06, 2020, 04:28:04 PM
Hi, I wanted to post a return (or potential return) story here, because I hope it might help give people a little hope for standing and the future.
My saga started with the first signs of exH not being himself in late 2013 with official BD #1 in July 2014, and BD #2 in March 2016. Married in 2000, officially separated March 2016.
I am 44 currently, exH is about to turn 45. OW has been around since at least early 2015 (confirmed by a dated card I found), but my guess is more likely 2014.
I was standing for pretty much all of that time, although I did date off and on starting around early 2017….which took exH aback when he found out….much to my amusement. He told me he figured I would stay single for the rest of my life. The ego of an MLCer!

ExH never fully removed himself from my life during all this time, even though he lived full time with OW for the last couple years of it. He often sent me flirty texts and inappropriate comments and pictures...and then made comments like “we shouldn’t do this, we are both in relationships” (I wasn’t in a relationship, although he did not know that). Although it was always him reaching out to me, never me initiating it or encouraging it, I admit I enjoyed the attention from him and didn’t do anything to stop it either. He was also still around from time to time (always without OW) as we have a lot of friends in common. We have kept things very civil between us and have always made the effort to get along through the years. I have done a lot of biting my tongue!

So it appears what happened is that OW started to put the pressure on about him divorcing me. In December 2018 exH came to me for the first time and asked me for a divorce. He seemed almost in a panic about it. I couldn’t understand why he seemed in such a rush to push it through so quickly. It seemed odd at the time. Now I realize OW was having tantrums about it. I told him if he wanted a divorce I was sad about it, but fine. But that I would not sign the divorce papers until all financial issues were worked out. Time passed, the divorce papers sat on my counter...I saw him over the next year off and on, he didn’t mention the papers and he didn’t figure out the financial stuff. I left it because I wanted him to take some responsibility for his mess. September 2019 comes around, so almost a year later. ExH calls and asks if he can come talk to me. We meet and he again says he needs a divorce. This time he flat out tells me that OW has basically said “divorce your W or get out”. He tells me it has turned their relationship into a battle ground and he wants to stay with her so he needs the divorce done. Once again, I said fine, but I am not signing divorce papers until all our finances are figured out and settled. He said ok and left.

The end of October 2019 rolled around and I hadn’t heard another word from him. All of a sudden he starts trying hard to get together with me, but three weeks earlier I had met and started dating an amazing guy and was super busy. I kept putting exH off because I didn’t have any free time. Finally I get a text message from exH one tuesday morning: “So you think I could move back into the guest room?**with a sheepish emoji**”
I told him it was fine if he wanted to move back. He told me that he and OW were still together but there was too much friction so he was moving back in to my guest room temporarily to help me fix up our house to sell (which we had planned to do anyway) and get the divorce moving. So fine. He told me he and OW were good...solid.

So he moved into my guest room at the beginning of November. And slowly all of the stuff he moved into OWs place started appearing back in my house. Clothing, electronics, tools….everything. He was never on his phone anymore like he had been. He was pretty much always home. He started hanging out with all our friends again, who he had ditched for the most part once he took up with OW. About three weeks ago he finally admitted that he and OW were done (which wasn’t much of a surprise at that point). He has been doing dishes, cleaning the house, fixing my car, doing household repairs, talking about buying a new tv and electronics for the living room. Although we spent Christmas apart with our separate families, he has invited me to visit his mom who lives several hours away, and to visit other family members with him as well. When I am there we prepare and eat meals together and sometimes run errands together. As he has rejoined our circle of friends we often end up at social things together.

Although we have not had any discussion about getting back together, for all intents and purposes we have been living and acting like a married couple. Because I am currently dating someone, all of my interactions with exH have been platonic, and we sleep in separate rooms. But exH has given off signals that he would like romantic relations to resume in some form.

Now here is why I say potential return….as I said, a few weeks before exH asked for the guest room back, I started dating an amazing guy. A really great guy that I could see a future with. A guy so sweet and understanding that he didn’t bat an eye lash when I told him exH wanted the guest room back.
So my dilemma is….do I want exH back? ExH being the love of my life, but who has caused me terrible pain, and could continue to do so. Or do I want to start a fresh relationship with this amazing new guy with who I have so much in common and love being with.

They do say it is often the LBS that gets to call the final shot on the relationship, and that looks like the position I may be in. They also say that if you give OW enough rope she will eventually hang herself. The one thing I stuck to, no matter how hard it killed me some days, was never letting exH see that he was getting to me. Whenever in his presence I kept a smile on my face and was as pleasant as possible to be around. Always. I tried to be his lighthouse. I think I started to look pretty good to exH once OW started making his life miserable and giving him ultimatums.

I am not sure yet how this is going to end. I do know that I cannot drag this out because I don't want to hurt the guy I am dating anymore than I would have to. He doesn't deserve that.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 06, 2020, 04:35:30 PM by Kai3030 »

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1558
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#52: January 06, 2020, 05:21:22 PM
Kai =
Thank you for that nice return post.
What a (good) predicament you are in.
I think you're right - the LBS often does have the last say...
I'm sure with much thought and patience, the answer will be very clear in the near future.

Best of luck and keep us informed..

Sea

  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

S
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5829
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#53: January 07, 2020, 01:53:55 AM
Kai - would you mind re-posting your situation either on your existing thread or a new thread so that members can perhaps offer support and guidance if that's what you would like from us. The thread Return Stories is more of a "listing " stories  kind of thread.

Thanks
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#54: January 07, 2020, 04:36:29 AM
Kai, thank you so much for posting your update. I really love to hear stories like yours, whether you're still standing or not, and whether I am or not, it's fascinating to hear how the MLCer comes out of the tunnel.

If you post on your thread, I would follow. I'm sure you never expected to be facing the dilemma you're in. I hope you have a light bulb moment yourself.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3249
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#55: January 07, 2020, 08:08:44 AM
I posted on your Band played on thread.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 129
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#56: January 07, 2020, 09:54:23 AM
Thank you all for such great support. The main reason I posted this in Return stories was not so much looking for advice, although I always love advice from this great group, it was as a stand alone post because a few people were asking about return stories of more than two or three years. Mine has been going on over six years now. I am going into my seventh year at this point. I hoped posting this would give people who have been going through things a little longer something positive to read :)
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3340
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#57: January 07, 2020, 11:20:44 AM
Thank you, Kai, that's exactly what you did! We all love a return story.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 71
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#58: January 15, 2020, 10:56:52 AM
Oh boy! This sounds familiar. I have heard the "we shouldn't be doing this. What is wrong with us? We are crazy" from my h when he initiates anything physical. Sometimes he seems totally fine and other times he does seem conflicted. Just this past week he gave me the "we shouldn't do this" etc speech followed by "I feel bad that you are sitting here just missing me."  UMMMM What?! HA HA HA. I said "is that what you think I do bc I don't." He was super taken aback by that as well. He even said a few times "I don't want to make you cry."  My response (totally dry eyed) "I'm not crying."  :o
  • Logged

S
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 306
  • Gender: Female
Re: Return Stories Part Three
#59: January 15, 2020, 12:17:20 PM
Surviving2019,

  Haha, he is just all about himself isn't he. As if the world wouldn't turn without him.  :o

Stand Tall
  • Logged
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.