[patience.of.a.saint]

Oh ya...life with the OW? She does not trust him so she monitors his phone.

She was at his parents' house when she asked him where he was last time he was here a couple weeks ago. He told her her he was at his parents....ooops, caught red handed! His dad said they had only met her twice...can you imagine how that must have looked to them...especially when they have said they hope he comes to his senses and realize what he will lose in me?

He works with her so they are together 24hrs a day. If she enjoys seeing the manufacturing "guys in the shop" type of attitude & language, then I guess more power to her. I always told him to leave it at the shop and he did. I've witnessed the guy thing and it ain't pretty.

I'm going to assume the sex life isn't fantastic or he wouldn't text me about anything related to that.

I have to wonder if/what she cooks. He called me once on his way to get take-out Chinese. He told me once he had nothing to eat so he had to go get a pack of Oreos. He tells me when he's cooking & it seems to be often...unless he's off to buy food.

I don't think it's a safe, homey feeling...with a home cooked meal waiting for him, like he had with me.

[OffRoad]

Oh, btw, when we first got together, we came up with a list of reasons why we loved each other. His was 'you understand me', 'you don't stop me from pursuing my dreams', 'you don't despise me'.. among others. Sounds familiar? Looking back I think I met him when he was having a quarter life crisis and lost him at midlife crisis. The whole 10 years were a nightmare.

Looking forward to the relationship I deserve!

I think you had a pwBPD. It's like mild MLC all the time. The "You don't despise me" is the waving red flag on that one.

[OffRoad]

It seems we had a very unhappy marriage and that...we had both been unhappy for a long time !!!.

Exactly what my H said at BD.

Hugs,
HT

Don't you gals just hate it when you were unhappy in the marriage and NOBODY TOLD YOU YOU WERE UNHAPPY all that time? That's the one that gets me. I THOUGHT I was happy...what did I know.....

[LaughLoveLive]

Yea I got that one too "I don't think you're happy either"
  um... I'll decide that thanks!!
I saw it as part of his justification for his actions.


Life with OW?
Mine lives with his secretary and her two kids.
I don't know a lot except what my daughters tell me
They say her cooking is boring, there are lots of rules in the house, she organises their social life with no collaboration from him, she bosses him around, she doesn't seem to take care of him. They aren't "lovey dovey" with each other. She is dumb (sometimes my D19 steers the conversation in ways she knows OW can't follow  ) her family are what we Aussies would call "bogan". He doesn't seem to be any happier than he was here.

When my D13 refused to stay with him anymore once he moved in with OW and kids saying she didn't like those kids he said to me "I do get the kid things, I honestly do, they can be .... Strange"

Good work H left your wife and awesome kids for OW and her strange kids 

I do believe however that he stays coz its good enough and after all the devastation he has caused he can't admit he made a mistake. Pride. Guilt. Inability to say sorry or admit fault.

OW had just come through a nasty divorce out of a relationship we all thought was dynsfunctional, no one was surprised when that marriage failed. H was very helpful and kind, I was quite proud I was married to such a great guy. But taking care of someone creates feelings doesn't it...

My D19 recently said that it's funny dad said all these things about me at BD )eg rigid, controlling, too insular ) that were not true of me yet he has hooked up with someone for whom they are all true.

[a]

Blindsided13 oh gosh you made me laugh so hard - that was a good one.  Xh said the same thing to me that he had been unhappy for most of our marriage and it was all because of me.  In his latest text he says our marriage was a good one and only in the end there was a very small thing - I do not even know what that small thing is and i do not think he knows either!!!!!

Thank you for the good laugh

HT - thanks for that 

moment

[nah]

Some of you might already know this from my threads.

My 56-yr-old sister has two master's degrees, she runs marathons, above average looks, travels the world for her job.  From the outside she seems almost perfect.

She dated her MLC boyfriend when they were in college.  They went out Friday, he got married on Saturday, she read about it in the Sunday paper, that's how she found out there was another woman.  He was married for 30+ years and just got divorced this year.  According to my sister he was married all this time b/c "the families made him"   

They have been having an affair for about 8-10 years now, my sister was also married and divorced her husband (who she abused horribly) about 10 years ago.  She has been waiting (and I'm sure pressuring) her boyfriend all this time.  So he just divorced and they bought a house together with her two girls (12 and 14).  She's mad b/c her boyfriend had to give half of his equity to his ex-wife  , and she is very "stressed" that her new family won't get along, again 

When they are together, she laughs at every word that comes out of his mouth, she dotes on him and can't stop staring at him, it's just weird.  He doesn't seem to reciprocate, he seemed very uncomfortable at my house. 

My sister who makes six figures has been claiming that she pays child care on her taxes to my mother.  She gives my mother about $50.00 a week that my mother spends on gas to take her girls around and food for them.  I just found out about this not too long ago.  My mother lives with me for free b/c my father (also MLC) left my mother with nothing years ago.  Now she has to claim on her taxes money she doesn't receive. 

My sister use to love tell people what a great busy single mom she was, all the while traveling the world, how was she doing both? SHE WASN'T....everyone watches her kids but her, and she makes money from having my mother (who is 78 and cleans houses to make extra) watch her kids. 

So point is....

From the outside they seem happy.  I'm sure his ex-wife thinks he found the perfect soulmate.

I know better, I see it in my own house, my sister is an emotionally sick person, the most selfish person I have ever known.  When her boyfriend is here, he usually just wants to see what game is on TV, and sits and watches.  She flutters around, always touching him, doing all the talking, it's not normal.

I can only hope that this is what is going on in my husbands life.  He is a vanisher so I really don't know what his relationship is like with the girl.

Oh BTW--I was very close to my ex-bil, and he said when he met my sister he couldn't believe how at 40-yrs-old how she could be so sexually inexperienced.

[Thunder]

LLL, I had to laugh at that one.  Mine said...you can't be happy either. 

I guess in their mind they are not happy so therefore we certainly couldn't be.   

All just strange.  When I think back to that day the crazy stuff he said makes my brain hurt.  So illogical.

[MsT]

Some of you might already know this from my threads.

My 56-yr-old sister has two master's degrees, she runs marathons, above average looks, travels the world for her job.  From the outside she seems almost perfect.

She dated her MLC boyfriend when they were in college.  They went out Friday, he got married on Saturday, she read about it in the Sunday paper, that's how she found out there was another woman.  He was married for 30+ years and just got divorced this year.  According to my sister he was married all this time b/c "the families made him"   

They have been having an affair for about 8-10 years now, my sister was also married and divorced her husband (who she abused horribly) about 10 years ago.  She has been waiting (and I'm sure pressuring) her boyfriend all this time.  So he just divorced and they bought a house together with her two girls (12 and 14).  She's mad b/c her boyfriend had to give half of his equity to his ex-wife  , and she is very "stressed" that her new family won't get along, again 

When they are together, she laughs at every word that comes out of his mouth, she dotes on him and can't stop staring at him, it's just weird.  He doesn't seem to reciprocate, he seemed very uncomfortable at my house. 

My sister who makes six figures has been claiming that she pays child care on her taxes to my mother.  She gives my mother about $50.00 a week that my mother spends on gas to take her girls around and food for them.  I just found out about this not too long ago.  My mother lives with me for free b/c my father (also MLC) left my mother with nothing years ago.  Now she has to claim on her taxes money she doesn't receive. 

My sister use to love tell people what a great busy single mom she was, all the while traveling the world, how was she doing both? SHE WASN'T....everyone watches her kids but her, and she makes money from having my mother (who is 78 and cleans houses to make extra) watch her kids. 

So point is....

From the outside they seem happy.  I'm sure his ex-wife thinks he found the perfect soulmate.

I know better, I see it in my own house, my sister is an emotionally sick person, the most selfish person I have ever known.  When her boyfriend is here, he usually just wants to see what game is on TV, and sits and watches.  She flutters around, always touching him, doing all the talking, it's not normal.

I can only hope that this is what is going on in my husbands life.  He is a vanisher so I really don't know what his relationship is like with the girl.

Oh BTW--I was very close to my ex-bil, and he said when he met my sister he couldn't believe how at 40-yrs-old how she could be so sexually inexperienced.

Wow

[Thirsty Duck]

...
There is do doubt in my mind that the fantasy wears off -
My really question is - and then what?

In my situation, I wonder if H will just hunker down in the relationship.
Apparently he hunkered with me for 20 years 

  Wow, my thoughts EXACTLY.  I know that NO ONE knows the future, but apparently my w "hunkered down with me" as well for 20 years.  I know some MLCers are strong enough to face the damage they have done and make an attempt to return home, so I don't want anyone to get discouraged.  However, in my sitch-I imagine my w will just do the same:  hunker down and live with it.  Even if she does end up having regrets, I imagine she will take them to the grave with her.  I could easily be wrong, but that is what my gut says about my sitch.  She is too "proud" to ever admit being wrong, and has an extremely difficult time uttering the words "I'm sorry".

-T

I think we married the same woman

[MsT]

  Wow, my thoughts EXACTLY.  I know that NO ONE knows the future, but apparently my w "hunkered down with me" as well for 20 years.  I know some MLCers are strong enough to face the damage they have done and make an attempt to return home, so I don't want anyone to get discouraged.  However, in my sitch-I imagine my w will just do the same:  hunker down and live with it.  Even if she does end up having regrets, I imagine she will take them to the grave with her.  I could easily be wrong, but that is what my gut says about my sitch.  She is too "proud" to ever admit being wrong, and has an extremely difficult time uttering the words "I'm sorry".

-T

I go back and forth over this point in my mind. He can be very proud and stubborn, and I think sometimes he refuses to say sorry because he is afraid that his apologizing makes him vulnerable to rejection, if that makes sense. So some days I think there's no way he will ever admit this is danged-up and not right.
On the other hand, in our years together being a couple and learning how to deal with each other, I've seen him make great strides as far as overcoming his pride and pig-headedness and willingness to take accountability for his part in conflict.
I guess it will just depend on what kind of person he ends up being.