Personally I haven't put all my H journey on the forum and I am sure others haven't either. Some have talked of the spending, change in personality, the children, reverting back to younger years and other bizzare behaviours.
IMO it would be diffiult to know who is or who isn't in MLC unless you have the LBS sat with you to discuss and answer questions about their particular breakdown in the relationship and the behaviours and time line involved. IMO this differentiation between a run away or MLC is extremely difficult anyway without relying on the potentially fragmented history that is shared on the forum.
Personally I only share issues that I am struggling with at the time and not all the other behaviours I notice in my H.
I always KNEW people didn't tell the whole story when they post; God has sometimes helped me to fill in the blanks; but I like DETAIL; and lots of it..this is how I work with my insight.
I may "know" things from time to time; but I am NOT a true psychic; although I display psychic abilities at times.
I cannot, at any time, pull things out of thin air; when/if do,only when necessary; and I don't get to do that often; as God does NOT make me "privy" to the details of other people's situations, and there are things I will NOT simply "know".
Anyway, I was open with everything I went through; and it was to help others on their journey; mine was one of the many POSSIBILITIES of how this could come out..and my experience in this was unique, although there were similarities.
Reading through the forum I'm not sure all of our spouses are actually in a MLC. So many of the stories focus only on the affair and the OW. An affair could mean anything. Where are the other signs?
Somewhere I saw RCR ask whether or not it mattered. Maybe it doesn't, but to me I think it does. So many people don't believe in MLC or believe it's just an excuse for bad behavior. If we just label every affair a MLC, then maybe they are right. Are there no distinguishing features? I realize it's hard or impossible to know for sure, but shouldn't we try to help each other determine whether or not our spouses are really in a MLC?
That is what I and so many others on here do; the people here are just as knowledgeable as I am; and they can tell the difference..if they have trouble; they can always PM RCR, Stayed, OP, and me with a question...there are some situations that are a "hard" read....but I haven't seen any yet, on THIS board that are NOT MLC.
And I guess, because my husband didn't give me the "speech" and he didn't do some of the things the OTHER MLC'ers have done; I suppose it meant my husband was NOT in MLC, and was just exhibiting bad behavior... but that was NOT true, he exhibited enough of the other behaviors that I KNEW for sure, there was a checklist on Jim Conway's site at one point; and I was seeing my husband in that; I had been dealing long enough BEFORE I was "bombed"..but the "bomb" was MY discovery of the porn; then, in less than a month, I discovered his affair.
I would NEVER have known what was going on if I hadn't literally "stumbled" onto what he was doing..he had hid it that well, but his behavior was very questionable the first two years after the accident he had that resulted in a fatality.
You see, you NEVER judge a book by its cover, or by everything people post, EXCEPT in their beginning post, which gives a great deal of information in itself.
Even then, they don't always tell everything....and I respect their privacy in that area; I had no shame; and still have no shame; but some people have a deep shame; plus the fact that they don't KNOW to put certain things down in the way of detail.
I've had to ask questions before to draw some detail out; but for the most part; I don't ask many questions; just let the Lord guide what I write; when He sends me into whichever thread I need to go into.
My INSIGHT is what I depend upon; and I'm not wrong often...and, I will tell you something else; the LORD revealed to me through someone else; back at the beginning of all the craziness, that my husband was going through a MLC complicated by sexual issues.
Later on, as my intuition developed; God dealt with me, directly; and has, for a LONG time.
I had to really do some research, before I concurred that he was INDEED going through the dreaded Change of Life/transition/MLC; as things didn't look exactly as they were supposed to..there were things my husband had NOT done or said to me.
As I got deeper into the crisis; I started learning various different things; and I watched my husband come through; one day at a time, one step at a time.
It was from that experience; and a few others, that I expounded and expanded Jim Conway's original six stages God was my helper in this, and He was the source for the additional information; such as the lessons; and some of the "whys" and such.
I LIVED through it before I wrote the Sermon's Thread...and I learned even more; as I worked with others until I left the other board in early 2003...it was last year, that I was brought back to do this again.
The situations are various in themselves; I look at ages; and what actions are posted to determine what I think.
True to form, "run of the mill" affairs; exhibit the same type of behavior; but age is one factor; and more than likely the affair is part of a "pattern" of behavior; that has repeated itself over and over throughout the years of that person's life.
People who have affairs, whether MLC or otherwise, contain a "character fault" within themselves; and are weak to the point of being susceptible to temptation.
Your average philanderer; has COMMITMENT problems that have REPEATED themselves throughout a period of time; has several failed marriages in that pattern of their life, whereas the MLC affair is USUALLY; (unless they are hopelessly addicted; and/or stuck in Replay), a "one time" deal. And that kind of affair is, a part of the time, somehow connected to their childhood wounds/issues. There have been actions seen by the LBS while the MLC'er was within the MLC affair that were "replay" or "reliving" actions; to relive a time so it could be done "right" the second time.
You would generally use the SAME type of changing journey and actions in regards to a regular type of affair, but like MLC, there are NO guarantees; just as there are NO guarantees in life, itself.
As each person is different, each MLC/Transition is different...and if you look backward in hindsight; you WILL see the signs that they were first drawing away from you.
As time goes on, you will notice they are angry; and they will say things, even then that don't make sense..but WILL make sense as you figure out what is going on with them; AFTER the BD; and not before.
It is contained within the stages; signs of their crisis...running behaviors, such as; yes, MLC AFFAIR or even MULTIPLE AFFAIRS, drinking heavily, doing drugs..any kind of drugs, taking unnecessary RISKS to life and limb, they will start dyeing their hair; plastic surgery to stay young, dental work, clothes will become younger; they will start "roaming" like they did as teens, and they DO start acting like children in puberty, no less.
They'll also tell the LBS they haven't been "happy" for years; most MLC'ers tell them they love them, but are not IN LOVE with them; also called the "speech"..they will ALSO start living for THEMSELVES; hence their selfish natures; some will waste money(also known as self medication of a sort, or a running behavior); rebel against EVERYTHING they ever knew or was taught in the way of "following the rules."
They will also, long before the BD; start talking about how they get "tired of the ratrace"..want to quit their jobs; do something else, or nothing at all. They need a LONG vacation; they can't even find the time to take off, because they have TOO many obligations, including their families; and yes, they do feel "trapped" by everything; and things WERE said; but since we did NOT understand..they went unnoticed by us...we were NOT listening.
And you know, it does NOT matter if we had been perfect spouses; because the crisis deals with individual issues; we could NOT have stopped it; even IF we'd known about it.
Even though I KNEW what my husband was going through/went through, it did NOT stop my transition from happening...I was forced into that part of my life that demanded even MORE change from me, anyway; and I had alot of issues and aspects to deal with..I could NOT get to everything during my husband's crisis; so some of it was put on "hold" until he was well on his way to coming out of the tunnel.
I didn't go "full blown" until he came out; and we were pretty well on our way...and that was one scary ride I don't wish to EVER repeat within myself. That was one of the reasons I took six years to come through; I faced my issues, and the aspects of each issue head on; and it STILL took me a long time to come through it all...and I didn't run from anything.
I was POWERLESS to stop this downward slide..but that's another story..and fits my point, too.
A transition that turns into a crisis is made up of EMOTIONAL ISSUES..where the mistake is made comes from the "RUNNING" that's done to try and get away from it in a cowardly way, instead of FACING it.
It's hard to face emotional pain; and it takes a great amount of strength to face oneself...unfortunately; most MLC'ers WON'T face themselves until they have reached the end of the line; and are FORCED to face themselves.
Like I said, there are things you won't see or even realize until it all goes to hindsight..there are issues within the crisis and there are aspects within same crisis.
What we generally do, is get the LBS to a good understanding of what is happening; then we encourage them to get their journey started; because there really IS NOTHING the LBS can do for the MLC'er; except let them go; let God work on them, get on with their lives; and walk the journey to wholeness and healing..
This looks like three quarters of a hijack; but, I believe your questions are fairly well answered; at least from MY point of view.
Love to you,
HB
Signs your spouse is in MLC - What classifies as a MLC
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