[handpuppets]

Handpuppets,

Towards the end of my depression, I did reach out to him more. Despite what we LBS think, when they are ready to try to repair the damage they will indeed come forth to let their desire to come back to the marriage be known. Just as much as I shut him down and treated him like he had the plague, I was also quick to let him know I still loved him and wanted to work on the marriage when the depression lifted. It was gradual though, at first I asked if he wanted to come over with me and the kids to watch tv, then I remember making up another excuse all kid related at first. I was testing him to see how receptive he was. Then one night I asked if he wanted to stay over. He asked me to stay over his place instead.

He was unsure of what was happening because I turned him down left and right every chance I got. He also by then was dealing with MLC and in replay. He did all the things I did to him, withdraw, come close,withdraw, disappear, and get clingy when he thinks I am going to move on. If your spouse is doing these things then they have some awareness of what they are doing. They also may not want to lose you and have not made their mind up about the other person. Sometimes they may even be like me, entertaining someone else for pure fun and selfishness but know deep down they belong with you and will return home at some point. It is better for them to leave as to not hurt you anymore than

Wanted to say thank you for responding to my question [originally posted to UM's thread and your response copied here]. I appreciate you sharing your experiences on both sides of the coin.

[ruggedendurance]

denjef,
I've been at this for 4yrs now.   And I have a serious problem.
I don't see her as human anymore.   I see no redeeming qualities in her....

Sucks.  I loved her.  Adored her.  I saw things in her that she couldn't see in herself.   Now?  I can't imagine she possesses any thing I would want in a woman/friend/acquaintance.

What can I do?   I have no interest in any contact with her......    She has convinced me she can be nothing but vile and destructive....

I know it is depression.  I know it is FOO issues.

I can't imagine.   any situation.   to act like her.   to do what she has done.   her behavior cannot be justified in any twisted universe.......

If I am going to be civil with this person.    What do I need to know? 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Den, thanks for clarification on NC. Mine didn't care either, and I've found that going NC early saved me a lot of pain. Would I recommend it? Depends on the situation. I have always believed that they really don't care if we contact them or not.

Willitgetbetter said the same thing you did about not caring when she went through the tunnel. I think it's safe to say that there's a little bit of a debate among LBSERS, but you have at least validated my decision to stay NC. He's the one that makes contact. I just respond. It works best for me. I don't allow myself to be drawn in to his madness. If he emerged one day, fine. Either way I'm good. Im doing quite well on my own.

[denjef31]

My3girls,

Couldn't have said it better! NC and boundaries are truly for the LBS emotional wellbeing. If you are enforcing boundaries and NC hoping that would wake the MLC up, most of you will be sadly mistaken. I did not go NC on my H because I knew from my own experience he would be happy if I did so as that would relieve his guilt. I chose to not initiate contact but respond to his. I backed way off and he started pursuing.

Denjef31




Denjef31

[Puzzled]

Thank you, denjef and everyone else who did, for sharing your perspectives on boundaries.  So, I guess there is nothing I can do at the moment to reach my MLCer, I'll "just" need to give it time, heal/GAL, and see what happens.  Thanks again, denjef, for sharing your experience.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Thank you, denjef and everyone else who did, for sharing your perspectives on boundaries.  So, I guess there is nothing I can do at the moment to reach my MLCer, I'll "just" need to give it time, heal/GAL, and see what happens.  Thanks again, denjef, for sharing your experience.

It's all you can do. Just focus on you and do what you need to do for you. GAL and keep moving forward. Do whatever it is you need to do to heal.

For me it was going NC early. It was a boundary for me and letting him live with his choices. It was better for me and  my kids this way. He now lives on and island, so he's not concerned about any of what's going on.  Peace of mind is more important for us right now.

[bluerose]

My bd was 20 months ago. He moved out the last time 1 year ago. He was a clinger at first and now he is a vanisher. Lives with the ow.  2 weeks ago i found out that our d12 had been cutting herself to deal with the pain from all this. She called him to let him know. His complete lack of empathy and caring shocked the hell out of me. I do not contact him. I let him do that. Sometimes it goes on for months at a time. My wuestion is does nc aloow them to detach like the lbs is supposed to?

[Velika]

Bluerose, I believe for many of these MLCers described on the board something has gone wrong in the region of the brain where empathy, impulse regulation, personality, and other critical emotional functions are regulated.

So I think the MLCer is not so much "detached" as "impaired," as you witnessed with your husband's reactions to your daughter.

[gman242]

Bluerose, that is terrible.. please get help for your daughter. 

I agree, empathy and all of those other functions just shut down. I think that is due in part to the mania. Anger also seems to drive it as well as euphoria. I can vaguely remember what that was like, but I was teenager, dealing with abuse from my mom.

I guess around BD #2, W discovered she was pregnant and between shame, guilt, anger and the flip side of that, she thought she was going to live some new life with OM and not look back. The absolute lack of empathy for our son was appalling. It takes a lot of guts to watch your spouse act like that towards your children and keep your cool.

What does FOO mean?

[Bailmor]

What does FOO mean?

Gman, it means Family Of Origin.