[devoted]

Denjef

I would also like to thank you for sharing.

I have been at this for 51/2 years.......I have good and bad days like everyone else. I struggle to understand it all even though I know I shouldn't as none of it makes sense. I often doubt that xH is having a MLC and think that maybe he genuinely just wanted a new life.......Then you or another LBS will post something that just gives that little glimmer of hope that encourages me to continue my stand.

NC baffles me......I have done it on several occasions because it's what I needed to do for me. Now we are NC since  September except when I congratulated him on his new job but I'm guessing I got a response as it was about him. It is xH who does not return my texts whether they are about the children or when I text him to say I wasn't happy that he used our D to tell me about OW [I thought I at least deserved to hear it from him] but that if he was happy he shouldn't have a problem with me [feel the need to be rude].

He has said on countless occasions I am stronger than him and will find happiness again with someone else. He said it to my D when he announced OW but I always feel like he is asking if I'm with someone else.

I worry as now the children have found out about OW they want nothing to do with him......not becuase of OW as he and I are divorced so he's not being unfaithful but because he lies to them and breaks promises all the time and allows someone elses Son to call him Dad. As much as I have encouraged the children to have a relationship there are some things I will not justify.

I text xH a month ago saying I was happy for him, that there are things I regret not doing and saying when we were married, he has left a massive void in my life, I can't quite believe we will never share our lives again, I always hoped one day he would want to return, I can't change his choices, I love him but I understand he is moving on with his life and no longer loves me.......wrong I know but I just needed to say it.
He never replied to my text.

I guess my question is-
"Are the children doing more harm by wanting nothing to do with him or is it making his life easier and giving him justification for his actions"
"What do I do about NC......Should I leave him alone, does he need time to process if so what happens if weeks turn into months or should I at some point initiate contact.

Thanks you
Devoted
 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef, thank you for addressing the newbie issue on this thread. I say this personally, newbies follow your intuiton, if NC is your gut feeling: go with it. This site is to help you make choices based on the many examples here. If you are a newbie, consider the sources before you take any advice.

Denjef has gone through an MLC and is offering her take, and her take only. The debate about NC is just that: a debate. I'm for it personally, others are not. Make your own decisions. I have noticed there are some on these threads and other posts that take rejecting their ideas, opinions and advice as personal attacks, they shouldn't but they do. Do what you feel is best.

[BBhelp]

Denjef - every post is just so informative I totally agree with all that you say. We have to drop the ego and think about the longer term goals than just short terms wins. I'm definitely playing the long game. It may make us feel better in that instant to fight fire with fire or push for answers but bottom line that wont foster connection. I think what 1trouble said about intuition is also really important - my counsellor echoed it too - we have known our spouses for a long time and know their core personality and this is what we should keep hold of. I genuinely believe there is a lesson in all of this for me and for my H. I'm learning so much, seeing where we could be so much better and I'm invested in a better future. So it comes back to patience and building myself up to be as strong as possible to be able to handle the next part of this journey....

THIS is an AMEN post!

[sparklestar]

Thanks BB !!!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Denjef,

Please keep answering the questions to the best of your ability, and please don't pull any punches. Some of us are appreciative of the fact that you are doing this at all. The vulnerability that you have shown is courageous. We don't know anyone's full story on HS, I've stated this before on a post for MrsMedfly last year sometime. Let's be honest, not even RCR could put all on the forum of what she went through.

Please keep in mind that we are sharing our experiences and that most of the people who put on these posts are doing it to help themselves as well as others. Having said this, not all content is for everyone. There is no one size fits all solution. It is what it is. Take what you need, and disregard the rest. It's just a forum, not therapy.

I'm firm believer that if you aren't violating the forums' rules, then you should be able to have your say without being attacked for it. Not all of us can handle all of the content presented, but we should show enough maturity and respect for the person having their say.

IF something is hitting a nerve, then maybe at that point in time, a moment to contemplate maybe a better option? I have a 24 hr rule when it comes to posting something contraversial on these threads now. As much for myself as for anyone else that might want to get into the fray. Some debates are worth having, others are just fights to prove who's right. Enough already and let's stick to the topics at hand.

Just my take. 

[Keep believing]

Den, what would you have done if the choice wasn't yours anymore? If your h got fed up and divorced you ?  Of course during the time you would go for him then run back to om . It seems it was a game for you . How did you feel when you would be teasing your h ?  Like he was a piece of $h!te ? Garbage? His feelings didn't matter? He was a doormat ? A chump?

[Mitzpah]

Den, what would you have done if the choice wasn't yours anymore? If your h got fed up and divorced you ?  Of course during the time you would go for him then run back to om . It seems it was a game for you . How did you feel when you would be teasing your h ?  Like he was a piece of $h!te ? Garbage? His feelings didn't matter? He was a doormat ? A chump?

I am sure that Denjef will have an answer.

I think that during the crisis, our MLCers do not think much about what we might be feeling because it all about them, not us. They probably know, deep down, that they are not acting honorably, however, it is more important the elusive search for their own happiness and wellbeing, not ours.

JMHO - then again, I have not been in such a crisis, so, what do I know?

[strength]

Denjef has been wonderful to all of us.  I don't think anyone should say anything hurtful to her.  It is an amazing person to get on this site and be willing to help all of us that have so many questions about MLC.  All MLC are not the same, but any bit of advise that helps, is wonderful.  I hope and pray that Denjef, continues to share with those of us that appreciate what she is doing.  I am sure it is not easy for her.  Thank you Denjef.  I appreciate you and the support you are giving to all of us. 

[Mitzpah]

Denjef has been wonderful to all of us.  I don't think anyone should say anything hurtful to her.  It is an amazing person to get on this site and be willing to help all of us that have so many questions about MLC.  All MLC are not the same, but any bit of advise that helps, is wonderful.  I hope and pray that Denjef, continues to share with those of us that appreciate what she is doing.  I am sure it is not easy for her.  Thank you Denjef.  I appreciate you and the support you are giving to all of us.

I agree Strength!

She has been very courageous in sharing her insights.

Kudos to you Denjef and Thank You

[gman242]

The newbie issue is a huge one. Everybody thought for a guy like me, it should be easy to dump her and run like hell and believe me, I got fed up with getting the same advice over and over and I know you all know me from here and how I'm slowly getting untwisted.. 

People like to hand out black and white advice for a gray area problem; it's even easier to do online when you're only seeing the movie one frame at a time. It's hard .. that's all I can say. If you're going to give advice, filter it through letting them know it's ok to do what's right for them..