[denjef31]

I will respond to the questions asked, but I just got back in the house, and I am feeling tired so I will respond tomorrow when I have a clear head and not so sleepy. Good nite and god bless

[krathos]

Denjef, I like many others on here take great value and inspiration from your story and the answers you graciously give. I just want to say thank you, you have helped clear up some questions I have(some I didn't know I had as well), I see many aspects of your story, your crisis mirrored in what I see in W.
 You and many others on here have made this process easier to bare with your knowledge and insight.

[stillbaffled]

From my own experience if you are mean, nasty, and no contact because of the hurt and pain they have caused you sometimes they will feel they have hurt you too deeply and you will never forgive them. That they can never get back to a happy place with you and so they will stay in their adulterous relationship. Totally abandon you and your kids feeling you are better off without them and you are strong so you will eventually move on and you and the kids will be happier without them.

Denjef, I have drafted so many questions to you but this quote is so relevant to what I've been trying to ask

He thinks I can never forgive him so he's keeping away. He says he loves me but hasn't got the strength to fight for me ( maybe because he doesn't want me enough ? ) and he sees the OW as the easy option, she is so desperate to be with him ( mainly because of his job ) that she will accept anything.  She has even told him that she doesn't care that he still loves me, she wants to be with him anyway.  I know he's incredibly ashamed but it seems to be a case of he thinks he's made his bed

He has never asked to come home, he has never asked anything really, he told me he wanted me to forgive him and I said we should spend time with each other to see where it went, so he left OW and lived locally, but separate, back in Nov 2015 and we tried to reconnect, but he was still drowning in shame and guilt and became defensive and blame shifting - I hadn't found this site at that time so I wanted begging and pleading and most importantly answers .  I learnt a lot from him and much of what he said is how you describe things.  He said he 'thought' he loved OW, but now knows he doesn't, he said had the choice of having one woman angry with him or two, that he cried every day and the favourite part of his day was when she went to work, so it certainly wasn't a happy relationship with OW.  After a few months of trying with me, I was so disappointed with his attitude that I told him I wasn't interested because he was too selfish and we stopped contact in April. I thought he was working on sorting himself out, but he went back to OW a few months later.  He has since told me he still loves me but he KNOWS I will never forgive him, but I've never said that

I still think he wants me to ask him to come back and just forget anything ever happened, but I don't think I'm strong enough to do that, I need him to ask, I need an apology, I need to be told he loves me enough to work through this

So now, it's polite business emails only  ( I work for his company ). I sent a personal message when I heard he was ill and he replied  politely but that's all.  I am GAL and he has told me how impressed he is with how I've coped with everything ( I also feel like he resents that a bit too ).

I don't think he feels like he's scared to lose me, I feel like he thinks he lost me a long time ago.  He doesn't seem to have heard any of the hopeful, positive things I've said since this blew up, he is  definitely depressed, I don't think there's much hope for us to reconcile. I would like to see if we could, but I'm getting confused about not chasing him ( I'm not ) and paving the way.  Do you think I should still not initiate any contact ?

SHF - you have very accurately described where I'm at as well.  But my exH has never tried (yet) to reconnect and has never once since BD told me he loves me.  There's been no monstering from him.  There's been no pleading, begging, crying from me.  I have coped well with running our home by myself, which includes doing an outdoor wood boiler for heat. I do think you're right in that the MLCer resents it when we don't fall apart and let everything go.   

I don't initiate ANY contact and I respond to his texts factually (none since the first part of September).  I certainly am not paving the way because there just is no contact at all between us.  If I were to contact him I feel as though it makes me look "needy" and trying to compete for his attention and that is not me.  I will never, ever beg anyone to be with me.  So.....it's pretty much NC. 

Maybe my exH feels as denjef did.  If so, based on her experience my NC will probably help to keep him in the stupid relationship he's in with a very nasty affair down OW.  If so, there's nothing I can do about it and I've accepted it.  I continue to take one day at a time, work on getting stronger and finding joy in the way my life is headed.  It's all I can do.  It seems you are working hard on doing the same. 

I think you are doing very well.   

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Stillbaffled,

That's a great way to look at it. I know that my XH resents my moving forward. Boy has he been a thorn in my side for the past year since the divorce. I personally don't care if he ever tries to come back, I'm way beyond that now.

He's a clinging boomerang that has resorted to all sorts of nasty things to do now that I'm NC. I do believe that the AD/OW is behind much of what's going on, and that is all the more reason why I'm NC. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of thinking that she somehow "won". At this point, he's the booby prize in my eyes. So cheers to them!

Mine is now trying to reconnect with the kids, and I'm staying completely out of it. It's his journey, and he's her problem now. I'm just sick of the game playing. As far as I'm concerned, I'll accept an apology if I ever get one. I doubt that his pride or ego will ever let him. But, in the end my younger girls and I have finally detached, I'm more indifferent than anything else.

I know that mine hasn't even attempted a real apology. Even when he gave one to the kids, in front of AD/OW. He just went back to EA so, we're forging ahead.

[UKStander]

Hi Den

I just want to say a VERY late thank you for your reply to my question pages and pages back. It was a very thoughtful and helpful reply. This thread is SO insightful I'm back to doing one of my copy and paste jobs - into a Word doc - so I can read through everything later, when not on the computer.

All I can is, keep bringing these insights, if you can. I think they're among the finest and most helpful anywhere on site.

I'm D'ing my H t the moment, so reckoning I'm pretty detached. But actually, I know I'm not. Almost - maybe 75 per cent there.... But still a little attached around the edges. Still sad about the end of our 24 year marriage. Still regretful that so much has been wrecked for a dis-ease that could have been fixed.

I think once the D is final, I really will start pursuing my New Life and building from the ground up. I'm doing this now, to some extent, but I'll really consider him gone one he's gone, if you see what I mean. (I've been standing for 5.5 years till finally, I realised when I asked him, yes he DOES want a D. So we're D'ing). If it does lead him to look over his shoulder at what he's lost, well, I'll be sure to let you all know!       I do feel we were joined at the hip (spiritually... you know... by an invisible thread), so in theory, I figure that should mean he'll never entirely forget.

We'll see.  Big thanks again Den.  Keep posting the wisdom. 

[Never say never]

Probably a silly question, but since I'm new here, is there a Part 1 anywhere??

[Mitzpah]

Probably a silly question, but since I'm new here, is there a Part 1 anywhere??

Yes, here it is: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412

Generally, you will find the link to a previous thread in the first post of a thread.

[Never say never]

Thank you so much, Mitzpah

[Thunder]

After awhile Never, you'll be a pro at this.   

[KeepItTogether]

Just wanted to join in on thanking you Den. I know it is extremely painful for you to essentially re-live a point in your life that you are not so proud of. But you do it b/c you are a kind, caring and compassionate soul. Thank you for your bravery too!