[krathos]

Thank you Denfef for your input, I really appreciate it.

[Watcher]

Thanks for the reply Denjef,

I agree that she is stuck. Last contact with OM was August 2015. As of August 2016 she admitted to me he was still on her brain. She admitted to her mom last week that OM is still the problem. She chooses to remain stuck in this fantasy, I believe.

Now I recognize that he is the symptom and the overall crisis is much larger. She really does feel that he is her lone issue. Could she just be using OM as an excuse from addressing her overall issues. That would appear to be the case.

As for the parents, MIL does basically live with her while I moved out.

She does have a long history of depression. Postpartum 2003-2006, which was just as bad. She was under care from 2007-2014 and she stopped going with the start of MLC.

She has lost a tremendous amount of weight and that is her excuse for staying off the meds. She says it made her heavier. She also blames the meds and her Dr for not preventing the OM situation. It's your typical blame everyone else scenario.

I have been NC for 2 months but like I said, we have only interacted on 38 days over 18 months. That really would indicate that I'm not pursuing. I did all the usual LBS stuff at BD but I was thrown out at month 4 so there really has been no pursuit since.

We lived together again from months 8-15. I think that was my mistake. She had her way with me and re established control. She got her security and reassurance back. She had begun to panic.

I'm out so far months 16-18. She complained that I missed Thanksgiving and I believe the next 2 Holidays should be also skipped. She expects me for Christmas.

I really hate looking at it this way but I can be out at the moment through month 26 and that would bring us to the start of September. I just don't see my absence being a motivation for her to panic again.

She's too comfortable. She knows that Im too dependable and reliable and I think about the kids and their future. Your H pulled away and you felt it. She is not feeling it. Like I said it's a new phase and it's only been 2 months. Maybe more time. I really don't know.

You know I hate saying it and I would never use them, but the kids really are the key for her getting help.  That is the one area where she has held my hand to the fire. The boys are not to have their lives interrupted with this mess.
 
Thanks again

[strength]

Thank you so much Denjef for coming back and replying to all.  I needed a break from the site.  I have been trying to make sense of my life right now.  H pushed the D button and now we are on our last lapse.  I am in so much pain but I need to move on with my life.  Children tell me I should have done this long ago, "Mom you need to live, no one ever knows how much time we have left, so let it go and start a new life".   Easier said than done.  I have been mourning the D.  H is pushing forward now with OW.  I heard they are going away for H 63rd this week.  Oh what fun they are having.  H never gives me a thought.  I have no choice but to move on with my life. 

[Keep believing]

Den,
I and a couple others were wondering about your opinion now about the om?

But i also have others. My h seems like nevers". He knows. He is causing pain but not ready to do anything. H has been holdong a d over my head for a long time. He has been giving me his paycheck. He tells people he cant move out of his parents house( he sleeps at ow) because i wont give him his money. He says he cant move on with his life and get an apt because of me.
 H has not made one decision about this d. His lawyer told him to take some of hos paycheck and he said no.
Well i decided for h to take his money and give me only what the agreement says. I told h he can now gert his apt. He says he still cant .more bull$h!te excuses.
I am emailing his lawyer because honeslty i cant handle this anymore. I dont want it but im coming up on 3 years and just need an end. So with giving h his money and his d im giving him his freedom and independence that he wanted.
This all happened within 3 weeks. In that time though h wanted to meet for coffee . He tld me how thanksgiving was so hard. He asked me if i go to church. He mentioned something about wanting " happy pills " antidepressents. We were at a function and as he said goodbye he grabbed and rubbed my ass but now denies.
So with these mixed messeges ,i have had it. I but the pressure on with this d. It is messing with me.
He was coming around to fix things and i put a stop to this as well i told him as long as he is with ow ,i dont want to seee him.
Im just as confusing because i say this stuff to him then will invite him over. For something stupid.   Or i will stop at his parents for something stupid.   He is aware of this as well and has told me.
He has also told me that im pathetic when pursing. He has a big ego because of this. He has told me this as well. He cant beleive im still putting up with this after 2.5 years.
I have tried to go nc but i get so sad and miss him. Yes pathetic. I hate other woman who is so below me .why do i waste my time on this? I just hate she gets the time with my h when i want that time with him. I should be used to this .its been so lng.
Because im pushing for this d does he think i really want it?   I do to a certain point because i have no idea how long he will be like this. Its humiliating because this ow lives in this small town . I dont want the d if he can come thru this and be a better man.
He did tell me that everytime he tries to talk , i bring the conversation south.   He likes talking to me but i only call him. I always think my h needs reasurrnce from me but with what he has told me i think he thinks ill be here forver. He has said that he has to acceot that i will bother him the rest of his life. He hates his life . He is miserble. He told me he doesnt care much for ow. That they should have never got together.   But there is no change.   He has also told me that ow told him she promised herself that she wouldnt get invovled with a man with a crazy wife.( its the 2 married man )   He has also told me he didnt want to hurt her but felt bad for hurting me.
He also always says jokingly. " what do you want me to just come home" he has said this so many times. I mix up my answer. Sometimes i say yes and sometimes i say no.
Ill say something like.  Him getting his life together . And he laughs and says you only think by getting my life together is coming back to you. Thats never going to happen.
 He has said he is firetrucked up. And i said im here to listen and undertsand when you are ready.    He says.   Will do.

Im sorry so long. Whats your insight in all this crazy stuff.   Thanks

[Keep believing]

Im hurting because he doesnt call. He doesnt seem to care . He was deep into this affair a year ago . It started deep in june of 2015. It is different. Other things do matter to himnow. Like his kids and trying to repair the relationship with them . Its also what he said. Why wont he just talk about what is going on in his head? The confusion and all ? I miss himso much. He has been my friend since 15.  I cant seem to let go completely.
His parents are sick of his behavior as well. Im hoping they can shake him up a bit also.

[denjef31]

I would say I was a wallower/boomerang at times. My H is definitely a clinging boomerang.

[stillbaffled]

Im hurting because he doesnt call. He doesnt seem to care . He was deep into this affair a year ago . It started deep in june of 2015. It is different. Other things do matter to himnow. Like his kids and trying to repair the relationship with them . Its also what he said. Why wont he just talk about what is going on in his head? The confusion and all ? I miss himso much. He has been my friend since 15.  I cant seem to let go completely.
His parents are sick of his behavior as well. Im hoping they can shake him up a bit also.

KB - I understand how you feel.  My exH doesn't call, text, email, stop at the house.....nothing.  He avoids me like the plague.  I have also known my exH since he was 14 and I was 16.  Lots and lots of history together.  I understand how you feel.  My exH's father and stepmother are also quite irritated with exH's behavior.  Sadly, they have been unable to shake him up.  If they push too hard he just avoids them and goes dark and dim.  I would guess that it would probably be about the same in your case as well. 

Maybe we never will let go completely. Maybe that's okay. 

[bluerose]

Sb & kb
       
         Mine is the same way. His d12 reached out to him last month to let him know she was cutting herself and thete was nothing in his voice. No compassion, caring,empathy or love. Nothing.

[Keep believing]

My h does try to stop by and help but i put an end to that because i felt like a doormat . A chump. Like thanks for helping out but he goes off and lives his other life. his actions slightly shows he cares unless its his own guilt. He lives with his parents but sleeps at ow sometimes
 He goes out and drinks then sleeps with ow . Shows up at parents the next day. Just like a teenager. He has his money now to get an apt. So his parents can tell him to move our. Get an apt ,go live with ow if he wants to sleep with her . Or whatever. Things have been stagnate. Everyone just standing by while h does this same routine. Something has to change. So i gave him his money and i hope his parents can tell him to go be independent somewhere else.

[Never say never]

DenJef, thank you for the reply.  I couldn't respond last night because out of the blue H decides the spend the night.  This has happened now six times since March. We only have one computer (his) so I couldn't get on it.

You mentioned not being there in the morning, but the problem is he gets home at 5 a.m. and leaves by 6.  It is so disrespectful.  He is not cake-eating, you are right, just expects food in the fridge, towels washed, et cetera.  Says it's my job.  Unreal.  He is being a total a$$.  I don't think he really wants OW, he just doesn't like getting older.  That's his whole problem is what I think.  He is narcissistic and it was all about his outer appearance (I'm learning that now,) and he feels no one is "looking at him any more." 
How stupid is that?  Thanks for posting.  So bottom line, no questions like why are you doing this?