[Roma]

Hi Denjef,

I have a couple of MLC questions I wonder if you can help me with?

It has to do with a MLCers 'feelings'. I read they feel nothing, numb inside. So they reach out externally to find what is within, such as happiness, healing their inner child, empathy etc.

Then I read that once they start searching within to answsers of internal issues, they will then begin to heal.

My question is this. If a MLer has no feelings, how will they being to search inside to finally heal when nothing is there in the first place? Or does the 'fog' cover these feelings? The feelings for the OP have to be completely gone? How did your feelings come back? What was your 'awakening' like?

Also, what did the OM symbolize for you? I've read the MLCer is working out childhood issues while in the A. is that true? Did the OM represent one of your parents in your mind?

Thank you so much in advance for your reply.

[Nas]

Denjef, aside from the marital/love relationship with your H, did you value your H's friendship at all during your time in the fog?

When my H told me he was moving to be with OW I was so devastated and I told him what I was going to miss most was our friendship.
He said, "You won't believe me, but I will too."

To be honest, I didn't believe him.  It seemed flat when he wrote it and like he was saying he knew we would not be friends anymore once he moved but he was prepared to move on without me.
Was the "reality" that your H would not be in your life at all anymore anywhere in your consciousness?

I don't know if he realizes I will be gone completely from his life (we don't have kids) or if he's just not seeing that reality.

[KeepItTogether]

Thank you for doing this Den!! It is like having our own (lucid) MLCer!

I just read your response to Watcher's question. My H is saying these things too--telling me he wants to work on our R and that he has been a terrible H and F this past year and wants a chance to be a family again. This was the first time he has not tried to blame me for it. But, I will take your advice--no expectations!

[Seeing The Light]

Following along, Den.  Hugs!

[denjef31]

Elegance,

We do feel something. Just not in the same capacity pre MLC. I knew I loved my H but I didn't feel inlove with him. I felt we could live as roommates as he was family but initially I wanted to move on and find me someone else to make me happy. As time went on as he was in constant contact I begin to realize the grass was not greener but I still wanted to try to find that worldwind romance I felt I was missing.

The feelings are there just buried deep inside to protect it from the fog. As the layers are pulled back the raw emotions and feelings we have been suppressing slowly resurface.

OM and I talked a lot about a lot of things, believe it or not he was very smart and could articulate his thoughts, ideas, and opinions very well. Something my H was never able to really do we didn't have those deep stimulating conversations I craved. I was able to share and process a lot of information when I was dealing with OM.  Each encounter with OM left me processing even more. OM is a good father, I would say OM represents some of the things I wish were instilled in my H. My childhood issues I really did have to have intense talks and prayer with god as no one could help me come to grips with why things were the way they were. I am at peace with all of that now.

OM was not completely gone before I had my awakening. When I had my awakening the feelings I had for him kinda changed. I wanted to keep him as a friend because I enjoyed being his friend. I have tried to maintain that up until a few months ago. I finally just told him we cant be friends as there will always be a potential for things to turn into more and I don't want that as we are in two different places, I want him to go on with his life and be happy and I also need to see if I can fix my marriage and I am not giving it a chance if he is lurking in the background.

 He said he understood and he would back off for a few days then he would start saying inappropriate things so I had to block his number. All communication has to be cut off but we will resist it at first thinking we can be friends with affair partner. Time and distance leads to a slow death and I was able to break it off completely. In thread 2 or 3 I describe what the awakening felt like for me.

Denjef31


Denjef31

[Nas]

Den, you touched on this a little in a previous thread, but if your H had divorced you, would you have stayed with OM and made it work? 

[gman242]

That's really interesting Den. Why then did you want to return to your husband, or rather what was the largest glaring difference between them? I guess for you, it doesn't sound like an AD. My W's OM is the opposite of someone she would normally date. I can see why in the fog, she wants someone to allow her to do the things she wouldn't allow herself to pre BD, spending money etc. A lot of what she and I talk about is our mutual interests and values as I can assume she's noticing the lack of them in her relationship with OM and finding him or the R less desirable. 

[Roma]

Thank you so much Denjef.

I actually have a clinging wallower who doesn't have an OW yet a picture of a woman.

I realize this is strange according to RCR yet my question is this more of object,, not a real person who my H can have a conversation with. It's all in his mind, I suppose a fantasy imaginary A, like someone in a magazine.

You said to me earlier you had experience with a wallower also which is why I feel I can ask you.

So, if there is no actual OP, how can someone come out of MLC? Should I stop my H from basically talking to himself? Should I set boundaries?

[Watcher]

Hi Denjef,

I don't know if you can even offer an opinion on this one. My W I believe is in a panic as are her parents. She wants me home. She says this step must be taken to start working on us. I fell for this one in Feb 2016 and I then endured 8 miserably months.

I'm not going back. I believe that we can work on the marriage under current living arrangements. In fact, I think it's a healthy approach instead of just jumping back into living under one roof.

She sees it as rejection and abandonment. I am messing with her mind and feelings. I have lied to her now for 19 months because I refuse to give us a chance.

I can't go back to the house. She just started talking to me 3 days ago. LOL..

I told her my intentions and I have not heard back. I'm in no rush. Obviously she is in a rush. I'm really not blowing her off but that's her perception. Believe me, she is fearful, BIGTIME.

I'm taking it day to day. I requested that we talk outside of the home and alone. She wanted me to meet her at the house today but I reminded her that is no good. She wants to talk with her parents as support. I will not allow that.

I do not even know if I have a question. I think that I'm behaving appropriately. I am willing to have contact, only outside of the home. I'm willing to work on the marriage, living separately. Living together is not even on my radar. Thanks.

[Freddie]

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer so many questions.

It has helped me immensely to understand my wife's journey.

Freddie.