[Passiflora]

That's why mine hooked up with Gutter Troll....the very same woman he describeD to me as as high trash, low class wh*r^ when he first started working with her. 

Hi you all,
Isn't this just something "they" say just to not make us suspiciuos? Mine stated that OW#2 was a lesbian. Well, either my xh has some magic cosmic thing going on, so that he can turn a lesbian into a straight person or he know pretty well if things didn't work out with OW#1 (someone he never mentioned) he knew he could turn to for a relationship?

Hugs

[nah]

I am not a stander bc in my heart of hearts I firmly believe that he is never coming back and life is too short. I am not actively looking for the next love of my life either. If he were to approach me at this point I think I would agree to counselling for us both and if he didnt agree I would say no. But he is not coming back either way bc people constantly tell me how happy be is.

Geez, we had a thread a while back about the stupid things that people say.  Seriously, I could write a novel about all the stupid, from someone saying the girl must give good BJ's (hey thanks for that) to a coworker hitting on me minutes after he heard I was a mess, to another one asking if I was going to have a divorce party.... while tears were streaming down my face.  Seriously, I'm not sure if they are trying to help or if they are just plain stupid.

NOBODY knows if your husband is happy or sad.  They just don't.

You know my story.  In the early days the Leaver was parading the girl around everywhere... a wedding, company Christmas party, sport events with my kids, holidays, his band, etc etc...  They were the picture perfect couple, even now they are planning a wedding, outsiders must think they are soooo happy.  He TOLD me he is a mess, it took him four years but he told me.  This is the first time in four years I believe the words coming out of his mouth.

As for you standing or not standing.... hey that's the benefits of having a vanisher, you don't have to decide anything today.  He doesn't know what the heck you are doing either.

[beyondblessed]

Tyks, you know that I am not a stander, either, but there's not a doubt in my mind that these people are NOT happy, or at least not happy in the way I would describe it.  I think they are intially relieved once they run because they are free....lol  But, we all know one cannot outrun his problems.  Until the problems are faced and dealt with, they will remain and fester.  Xh's dad is a prime example...ran from the family and died all alone at age 64 from cirrhosis of the liver.  You can't out drink your problems, either, as it turns out.  It makes me sad beyond belief that xh is suddenly going down this path, but no one but him can stop it, and he claims to "not hate his life", so I guess he'll either end up the same way or maybe at some point will decide to pull his out of his ass and be a man for once.  Who knows?  I just know I'm not waiting around for the outcome.

[stillbaffled]

Are vanishers bigger cowards than the average MLCer?  Is that why they hide?  I think so, I think their fears are bigger than the average MLCer. I also think they are very concerned to how we feel about them. They are far from being proud of their actions. Otherwise, they would not have a problem facing us.


I firmly believe (and I've said it from right after BD) that vanishers are the biggest cowards.  I think mine is not proud of his actions and he can't face me at all.
  Not in person, not in a store, not in a text, not in an email, nothing!  Where I'm not sure I agree is that he's at all concerned about how I feel about him.  I don't think he cares one way or the other.  I think he works very hard to try and erase me from all memories.

As much as I feel I struggled more in the early days, I couldn't understand why other MLCers couldn't leave their spouse but mine ran like he was on fire.

Yup. I felt like that too, Nah.  The night he BDed me (it took a whole 10 minutes) he had those creepy eyes and said, "I have to get out of here."  I just stood there in shock.  I wasn't even crying when he walked out and got in his truck and left. 

What hurt the most is he seemed like he didn't care at all if I lived or died.

That's been huge for me, Nah.  It's probably one of the biggest factors in my finally going on anti-depressants 5 months after BD.  At 16 months he's still acting like that and I'm learning how to cope. 
 
IMO, the vanishers did us a favor. Oddly in their own way they either knew we wouldn't take it very long or they couldn't live with themselves piling the crap onto us. 

In my case, I believe he vanished because he couldn't live with himself and what he wanted to do. 

Again, that's where the OP comes into play.  They will take the abuse.

 It does seem that the OP in your case has taken (and probably continues to take) abuse.  From the few things I hear, the OP in my case is living pretty high and enjoying quite a few things.  Yes, I know that appearances can be deceiving, but I'm just basing that on what gets bantered around this tiny town. 


If he just plain old fell out of love, I think he could sit down once in a while and at least talk to me. I mean, geez, 28 years and you can't find an hour or two out of your week to let your spouse vent??  Mr. scaredy pants couldn't face the tears. In a weird way he vanished bc he feared me.  They fear us bc there are feelings, no feelings = no fear. Plain and simple.

I think you have arrived at a pretty solid conclusion here.  At least in the case of your MLCer and mine.  Like I've said all along....my MLCer is a coward and scared of me.  He can't face me.

Nah - I hope I get the chance in 3 more years to see where my MLCer is and what he's up to.  Lucky for me, he's too scared to move too far away from mommy so everybody in this tiny town that thinks he's crazy seems always ready to give me updates on him and OW, whether I want them or not. 

Thanks for continuing to post here.  I learn lots from you. 

[Tyks]

    I think they are intially relieved once they run because they are free...     

Beyond, oddly enough the mc asked my h how he felt shortly aftet he left and his response was "I felt free" wow

[BrenM]

I just love this thread....so many similiarities to my story, so much heartache to tell, and hope for us all 😘😘

[beyondblessed]

I think they feel free because the burdens of day to day life are lifted or at least shifted in one way or another.  It's not the daily grind to them anymore.  It is still work and responsibilities, but in a new and exciting(different) layout.  I think they really do have this totally contrived notion that they can just snap their fingers, and poof....a new, different life just magically appears, with no history of their former selves attached to it. A do-over where they heroically right all of the wrongs that messed up their lives...like marrying the wrong person.  I really do wonder though how one seriously gets that delusional and detached from reality?  I swear it's a hereditary mental illness in xh's family.  Funny how we always talked about how all of his cousins were nuts....looks like he got the crazy gene too.   . I think that plays a major part in my xh's vanishing.  Now he's the crazy one like them and he just can't face that fact, let alone me after all those discussions. 

[nah]

  I swear it's a hereditary mental illness in xh's family. 

Again, Beyond, I want to agree with everything you wrote but especially the mental illness.  The Leaver also had mental illness in his family.  I believe one of the straws on his MLC back was when our son started showing signs. 

Yes, Yes, Yes,... they could have addressed whatever issue that was swirling around in their minds BEFORE they threw us under the bus.  Well, they didn't so here we sit and wonder what the firetruck happened.

I have said this on here and in RL until I was blue in the face.  This was not a normal divorce. 

He ran away, plain and simple.  I said to him way back when he left that trying to run away from himself was not going to work.  Of course, I got the dead eyed smirk and basically, "Ha, what do you know?  You're the enemy that's making me feel yucky inside".... Let's face it, when they run, they are mentally a child.

What seems to happen again and again and again, is they run away to a worse situation.  Why does one single person on here think they are living some fantasy blissful life? 

Well, we are thinking like a rational person.  A rational person does not leave their family that they have loved for decades to a fire trucked up situation full of drama.

That's why it's called a crisis.

[Thunder]

Oh noooo, not a normal divorce at all!!!   

They way I see it, IF these MICer's were so happy they'd be shouting from the roof tops, not hiding.
They'd want the whole world to know.

I don't think there's a one of them who are happy.

[Tyks]

Oh noooo, not a normal divorce at all!!!   

They way I see it, IF these MICer's were so happy they'd be shouting from the roof tops, not hiding.
They'd want the whole world to know.

I don't think there's a one of them who are happy.

This right here make sense!  My h has barely told anyone that we are separated.  And the witness to his signature on the separation agreement is an unknown person to me.  I am sure he still has not told "everyone" what is going on.  Heck, he didn't 'even tell his mother when he left, I had to, and he didn't tell her about the separation agreement, I had to.  Run and hide, this is what they seem to do.  Make it look to the outside world that everything is hunky dory and then they go home alone to their teeny little bachelor pad that they can't afford.  Stupid.