[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[waiting4]

I have felt my H looks for/causes problems/issues in order to not deal with our current situation.. in some way he throws roadblocks up in order to not make a clear and decisive decision in regards to Me, our marriage, OW, divorce etc.. its like everything under the sun is more important that talking about the situation.. His job, our daughter, his health, anything he can find to change the subject...

[Searching4Answers]

Very interesting GonerinGhana

[Shocked]

When I first joined this site I thought myself to be noble to be standing for my M despite my H’s out of character behaviors at the time. I have learned so much about what MLC is here. I am now here to recover from the PTSD it caused me and try to put a new life together with the old broken pieces of me. I am a LBS. The rest of the world doesn’t understand the trauma that has been inflicted on the LBS. This is my safe place for healing. I read much more than I post. In every sentence I want to find a word of hope or insight but mostly for relief  I want to put this burden down. But where? The next stage can’t come soon enough!!!

[Treasur]

Maybe the MLC drama acts as a distraction for us too sometimes, a way to avoid looking at tough emotions or decisions that we need to own? I think I've done that sometimes, GIG

What stage do you think you're at now mostly, Shocked? Do you have a set of 'goalposts' for it?

And I so get the PTSD thing vs nobility! Weird things trigger me and I've had to look hard at unpicking what the fear is really about. Particularly as a lot of my fears came true bit-by-bit. But hey, I'm still here.

I think I started standing for my H. And then he got worse and farther away and I realised nothing I could do was going to help. Then I moved to standing for my M like holding it safe until he got 'better'. And then I realised my M was irretrievably dead because my H kept doing things to destroy it and D was necessary to protect me. Then I started standing for my survival and I realised I could do that and make some choices too. Then I moved to standing for me. And my right to still love my H silently. And I realised that standing for me is really about healing enough to rebuild my spirit and life, and the only thing I can control. But, gosh, it's hard sometimes isn't it?

I think the 'goalposts' of Acceptance for me are probably three things:
1. A really heartfelt emotional detachment from my H, almost to the point of wondering if I can still love him or remember who he was
2. An absolute focus on my healing - if it doesn't help me heal, I won't invest energy in it and if it stops me healing, I'll fight it or walk away
3. Beginning to feel a need to look up and out and forward, maybe that's the door to Renewal for me. (I'm not there yet but I get the odd glimmer)

[Anjae]

Thank you Albatross. I know all that that. I am aware of projection, self and shadow theories. But they are just that, theories. And they are things from psycology, not neurology/neuroscience/neurobiology. In  neurology/neuroscience/neurobiology, more stress, more harm to brain and body.

I know they didn't cause the crisis. But they let it get out of hand. The crisis has a reason, for me excessive stress and depression.

You're wrong, some of then are aware of their shadow. Mr J calls it his Darth Vader side.

No, they do it debileratly. They know they are having an affair and that an affair will bring more problems. I don't agree that MLCers don't have a clue about anything they are doing. If they didn't had a clue, they wouldn't feel guilty. One only feels guilty is one has awareness.

Die literally or do what remain an that is turning inward and changing self. There is no other option.

There is another option, remain in MLC forever. I have never heard of a MLCer literally dying for MLC.

I don't know about other MLCer, but when he has moments of awareness, Mr J knows he has destroyed everything. So, he is aware of the destruction. And I suspect that is the case for more MLCers. Because, again, if they weren't aware, they wouldn't feel guilty.

What you have wrote is the classic theory for self and shadow, but I don't agree with it. I understand it and know it, just don't think that is the case. Because for me MLC is not a self/shadow issue, it is a stress and depression one.

And I don't see MLCers as so clueless about their actions.

You know my husband has been in the tunnel for 12 years and left 11 years, don't you? No one needs those many years to grow/become their new self, whatever you want to call it. He is just trapped in a perpertual cycle of drinking and partying and being unhappy of his own doing.

But you still didn't answer how end up with a much bigger pile of problems and issues to deal with is of any help for the MLCer. 

I don't buy the "oh, they didn't knew it was wrong". They know it is all very, very wrong. They know they are having an affair, etc and it is all wrong.

What they may be is incaple of escaping the addiction that their lifestyle caused.

[Helpingme!]

Anjae,
My W was so ate up with guilt, she cd barely function during her A. She was having panic attacks, cdnt sleep, cdnt eat. I didnt have clue what was going on till i found out. Then it was some kind of releif to her after that, i think she was glad i did find out in some way

[Anjae]

Help, do you mean you wife no longer is with OM? Or when the affair was a secret?

Mr J hid is not well functioning from me, but wrote about it to OW1. Of course never saying why he wasn't sleeping. I never noticed he wasn't sleeping. I guess he would wake up in the middle of the night. He never stop eating.

What he did was become very, very agressive. Even physically. His affair had been found out, in his case, only made his nastier. Not all MLCes react the same way.

I think it is better when they aren't monster and don't become agressive.

The guit will drive them to all sorts of crazy things, the new even crazier things lead to more guilt and it is the hamster in the wheel.

[Helpingme!]

When her affair was a secret. After i found out, she changed, for a little while, was remourceful a little, said she was sorry for pain it caused me, but not sorry it happened, said she thought it had to happen. She says affair is over, but idk. Said it was over before i found out, but i dont beleive that. Last 2 months she has went back in tunnel i guess, monstering again at first, im the worst thing ever happened to her again. But prolly my fault, when she showed me some atrenrion i fell rt back in, i pushed her back. But she did feel some sort of relief when i found out, that was very strange to me, like she cdnt stop till i found out

[Shocked]

Treasr, thank you for your reply to my post! I would say I am mostly at acceptance but the shock of what he’s done will never go away. I don’t want my old M back or him as he is now. I just wanted the cycles of loneliness and being so hyper vigilant to go away. I don’t stay there but they come and go all day long. We are similar. Our BD are about 2 months apart and they are vanishers. I divorced sooner back in 2/17. Mostly bc if his spending. I wanted to protect myself. That may be the single most important thing I learn on this site. That and detaching. That was single hardest thing to do!!!  Your goalposts are very good. I will have to think of mine. I think I can learn a lot from you!!

[Treasur]

I've been musing on Ego too as the LBS.https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/a-self-inflated-ego-and-the-midlife-crisis/

I think (understandably) we focus on the source of the 'bomb' initially. It hurts, we want to fix it or for the problem to disappear. When we get to anger or resentment or fear, we focus on the MLCer in a different way - we judge them, hate what they're doing, blame them for the pain and chaos.

It is uncomfortable, but our ego (how can you do this to me) and our sense of entitlement (I don't deserve this, all you need to do is listen to me) is part of the LBS struggle too, isn't it really? It makes me squirm but maybe my MLC H is 'right' that leaving me was the best thing for him? How can I know? It wasn't what I wanted and it has created some horrid consequences for me, true. But how much of my pain has been about Me and what I think I deserve?