[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[Anjae]

I think what I was trying to say is that part of the pain is also about my beliefs and expectations of what 'should' be happening in my life.

But that is perfectly normal. We build a certain life, we married, we expect certain things from it.

There is nothing wrong with that. The whole idea of no expectations does not make much sense. A married person expects their spouse to be a spouse.

Detachment is just that, detachment.

I think you are somehow overthinking some of this stuff. 

[Treasur]

Maybe, but it was a lightbulb for me. That if I don't want to be a victim of life or things I can't control, if I want to feel like me again instead of this battered blinking creature, I might have to let go of some of my need to be 'right'.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Detachment is perhaps also about accepting that (as crazily as they handle it) the MLCs sense of being 'right' butts heads against the LBS's sense of being 'right' too.

Interesting concept. Both sides think they're right. Bound to lead to conflict.

[Ready2Transform]

Great insights, Treasur. You are going to come through this so strong.

[Treasur]

What helped you most at the different stages? If you had to pick one tip/tool for each, what would it be?

For me?
Denial - what will make this all go away?  Walking
Bargaining - what is this and how can I stop/fix my MLCer? Finding out enough to know I couldn't fix it
Anger - is it my fault, MLC vs are they just a horrible person? Detaching
Despair - how can I survive this? Prayer mostly and bit of IC
Acceptance - how can I live with it? NC and more detachment
Renewal - what should I do now? Not there yet...

[Treasur]

Any tips? Any more votes?

[Cold River]

The order confuses me but I cycle like lance Armstrong so it all comes back around right now.

I will say what I'm finding is more annoyance with W so I called it anger. But its not the anger I had a couple weeks ago.

Bargaining still pushes its way at me but I'm cutting down the contact to necessary talk only. I just remind myself I've already made myself clear to W and nothing more I can do there.

Acceptance...not so much. I just try to keep an open mind each day that this may go well, it may not. Just need to keep working on me.

Depression is getting better since joining this group. It hits me worst when I wake up in the middle of the night. I got on here and read through some threads and it helped...

[Treasur]

I think we are all expert cyclers now, Cold River!

For some of us, anger is not quite the right word...maybe resentment or frustration.

My experience is that it feels quite different to be primarily at a stage like depression or denial versus cycling back to it for a bit. Like a paler version and I don't stay there as long. So I'm probably at acceptance (finally) but if I flip back to denial (as I do), it maybe lasts for a few hours at most and I can wrestle myself out and back to acceptance. In the early days when I was just reeling with shock, and stuck in denial, it was like my head couldn't do more than just go 'What? What?'. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, felt like I'd been hit by a bus.

[Treasur]

Something about Renewal, or getting to it perhaps.

This talk is about living after someone you love kills themselves, so not exactly the same for most of us. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3FKQNSYoxw The talk is less about loss, and much more about what you do when nothing makes sense but you're still here moving forward with your life. (For me, losing my H as he disappeared into MLC felt a bit like he'd 'killed' the person I knew so it's a frame that makes sense to me). I recognised a lot of what she described and found her 'list' really simple, practical and helpful.

[Not Applicable]

But that is perfectly normal. We build a certain life, we married, we expect certain things from it.

There is nothing wrong with that. The whole idea of no expectations does not make much sense. A married person expects their spouse to be a spouse.

Detachment is just that, detachment.

I agree. I don't know who started this "No Expectations" mantra but I think it is nonsense. I expect certain things from my spouse. Whether he delivers on that is another matter. If you read HB carefully, you will see where she repeatedly talks about our role in helping them to grow up. That we have to set boundaries on bad behavior. Well what is that other than expectations?