[Anjae]

Simply by being OW/OM the person would be very controling, regardless of how they are/were when not being OW/OM. It comes with the territory.

Is it that they are harboring anger after several years or is the control of the other woman?

In same (many?) cases a bit of both? Mr J is still angry. And dead scared of me, for reasons I have no clue about.

Still, does it matter? The anger is there, regardless of belong only to the MLCer and/or because of OW. It changes nothing. While they are still angry and deep in crisis, we are the enemy.

P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.

[OneHotMess]

I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...

I wonder the same about mine. I’m not sure what he is anymore. He started out a low energy clinger but then crazy started.

[nah]

P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.

There was at least one (maybe more) LBS with a true vanisher a few threads back, I can't remember her name.

Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"

[OffRoad]

P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.

Give me a couple more weeks. The only thing I have contact on is the divorce and that is minimal. The kids don't know where he is because he's moved twice. I only know his address because it's on the insurance papers and he doesnt know I can see it . His dad can't seem to get him to answer the phone. We don't Fakebook or instagram or the like. I have no idea what he's doing or with whom. (Kinda like it that way)

So would he still be a vanisher if he plays video games with the kids once a month or so? Do they have to vanish from everyone's life?

[bluerose]

    We know what a vanisher is. Would you like me to change the name of the thread Anjae?

[stillbaffled]

Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"

I usually call mine a vanisher/hider.  At absolutely no time has mine ever been a boomerang, and I'm in year three now. 

[Anjae]

There was at least one (maybe more) LBS with a true vanisher a few threads back, I can't remember her name.

Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"

I know. But the majority does not have a true vanisher. They seem to be very rare. Low contact makes sense.

So would he still be a vanisher if he plays video games with the kids once a month or so? Do they have to vanish from everyone's life?

No, if he plays video games with the kids once or twice a month he is not a vanisher. Yes, they have to completly vanish from everyone's life. Don't remember RCR exact words from her article on Vanisher, but it was on the line of "you have no idea if your spouse is alive of dead, he/she may as well as dropped from the face of the earth". With a real vanisher it is absolute zero, nada in everything.

I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...

There are threads on wallowers/low energy MLCers and boomerangs/clingers thread. There are pretty much threads on all MLC things on HS and even on non-MCL things. Some are here on the main board, others on the archives. You guys just need to learn to look for them/search HS board and archives. 

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8089.0 - Low Energy MLCers - Wallowers II

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=303.0 - Low Energy MLCers - Wallowers I

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5050.0 - The live in MLCers

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=676.0 - Clinging Boomerangs

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=305.0 - Off-and-On


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1301.0 - High and Low Energy MLCers

These threads are different that the Anyone else have a vanisher?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8310.0 -  VANISHER 3
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0 - VANISHER 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0 - VANISHER 1


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4476.0 - What type of contact type is your MLCer?

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7435.0 - Clinger or Vanisher pros and cons

[OffRoad]

Ok, a vanisher is more like I thought. Contact is rare , not non existant. And it seems to only have to do with the spouse, but that's open to interpretation.

Vanisher
Is my spouse dead? You may know they are alive and how they seem to be doing because of the grapevine, or you may not. This MLCer seems to drop off the earth. They may contact on occasion, but contact is rare. Do not pursue, if you try to contact or follow your MLCer they will find a new hideout and bury themselves deeper, and blame you more. By leaving them alone you are allowing them the time to heal and to choose how they will heal even if you disapprove of their choices.

[Anjae]

Rare as in very rare. A vanisher does not contact as often as many on this threads say their spouses do. For example  Nah's ex-husband's and Nah have a lot of contact, they text, etc.

By the very rare contact I could consider Mr J a vanisher, but he really isn't one. Or maybe he is, but since he leads such a public life, I don't see him, as such. Also, he was a certified clinger at BD and afterwards. His lack of contact has to do with me cutting contact with him.

[Rising Phoenix]

I have no idea if mine is dead or alive. I get nothing. H before he vanished would delete our conversations. The only time I know he is alive is on the rare occasion his solicitor replies to mine and even that’s rare. He ignores that aswell. Xx