Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: nah on November 19, 2017, 05:01:02 AM
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I forgot who started the vanisher threads (I think it was Bluerose?), I hope nobody minds that I started a new one because these threads for a long time have been one of my favorite threads.
Thread number 12 !!!! Seems even though "they" have disappeared, we have a lot to talk about.
Quote from "monty" last thread:
I believe being part of the vanishers club doesn't make us better off , they forget about us , our lives , they hide away in the slappers lives and pretend we didn't exist, that's why I think so many vanishers don't come back , they hide their guilt and forget us, the world with the slapper and their new friends , in that world no one knows the truth , they just play along ,, when you got a clinger or boomerang they are always faced with you ,, never to forget their true feelings. We are not blessed , I don't find relief in not having him in my life , knowing he has to work it out himself , he's gone ,i know he will never come back cause he will never have to have any more contact , with me he will hide from me for the rest of his life
Thread #10 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9372.0
Thread #11 http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9428.0
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Part of why I wanted to start a new thread was b/c I wanted to respond to Monty:
Of course everyone has their own opinion and I also wished my MLCer was more of a clinger or a boomerang in the early days because it seemed to me at least those other MLCers cared enough to at least question themselves enough to waver. Not mine, he left and seemed confident with his decision. I was left to try to answer my "what the Hell happened" questions by myself.
Wait a minute.... spend a few years reading what the other MLCers do to their spouses and you might actually be grateful that you don't have one of them.
Here's a few examples of what I have read over the years....
One heard her spouse having sex upstairs with the other woman,their small children in the house.
One found her MLCer packing to go camping with the ow, while she had a medical issue, he literally stepped over her to leave.
One would everyday, leave to see the other woman, then come home and sleep on the sofa.
Many say they are over "her", sleep with the wife and then the wife finds a message.
Have friends, family, your children see him with you, and then her, and then you, and then her....
Mine had me shave his back so he would look good for "her", that was the day before BD.
Please explain to me why you would want them close? So they can lie, betray, humiliate, again and again and again every single day? Spend day in and day out playing the "pick me dance"? No Firetrucking Thank you!!!
About a week after BD I made an offer to The Leaver, I offered for him to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted if he would only see me once a week. Yep, he could go have sex do whatever he needed to do, and I would keep quiet, loyal as long as I had my "husband" once a week.
Thank God he said No.
The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.
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Nah, speak for yourself.
I'm glad I have mine close, shortly after BD I made a deal with my husband that it would be that way and while the situation as a whole is not what I would want, I have no regrets about it as I still think it was the best possible way of handling the situation in the short and long run no matter the outcome, and I would likely not be wrong if I were to say I have mine closer than anyone or almost anyone else on here.
I made a commitment to this man and in spite of all he still is upholding his commitment to never leave me either, even though there are times he tells me he wishes I would leave. You can say they are doing you a favor by disappearing, but they are still breaking the vows they made to you when they did that.
I choose to stand every day because I know exactly what I am dealing with. I don't know what is going on in his head, but I do know what he is doing in detail. I make choices based purely on the facts of the situation, not my imagination, which is what most LBS' rely on.
Frankly, I do not understand why those who have a vanisher who has been gone for years is still spending a lot of time on thinking about them or even discussing them. They're gone! Why give someone who is out of your life so much space in your brain? They don't deserve it and neither do you.
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Nah, speak for yourself.
I'm glad I have mine close, shortly after BD I made a deal with my husband that it would be that way and while the situation as a whole is not what I would want, I have no regrets about it as I still think it was the best possible way of handling the situation in the short and long run no matter the outcome, and I would likely not be wrong if I were to say I have mine closer than anyone or almost anyone else on here.
I made a commitment to this man and in spite of all he still is upholding his commitment to never leave me either, even though there are times he tells me he wishes I would leave. You can say they are doing you a favor by disappearing, but they are still breaking the vows they made to you when they did that.
I choose to stand every day because I know exactly what I am dealing with. I don't know what is going on in his head, but I do know what he is doing in detail. I make choices based purely on the facts of the situation, not my imagination, which is what most LBS' rely on.
Frankly, I do not understand why those who have a vanisher who has been gone for years is still spending a lot of time on thinking about them or even discussing them. They're gone! Why give someone who is out of your life so much space in your brain? They don't deserve it and neither do you.
Wow Goner, thanks for your judgement.
I didn't have a choice, like I said, I offered for him to stay close, he choose to vanish.
I am here to support others who have a vanisher much like mine, hence the title of this thread.
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Nah my one is exactly like yours vanisher married the ow, also what is it with the back shaving etc and the no eye contact? its like we make them sick to look at us?
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They are just guilty, Chriss, and pointing their fingers at us b/c they are too weak to be accountable for their own actions.
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I think nah, was only giving her opinion.
It's hard either way, if the cling or if they vanish. Both have advantages and disavantages. We can't judge what another LBS decides to do. Every situation is different. We are only here to support each other.
A lot of LBS's have their spouses still at home. But that can also be very painful.
If a MLCer vanishes it doesn't change the fact that the spouse still loves them and hopes they come back.
Other people outside of this site would say..forget them, their gone. Get over it. It's hurtful.
It's not that easy! Of course they don't deserve our head space, none of them do and none of us deserve what happened to us. That's a given. But you can't just say, forget them, their gone. ::)
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I am going to completely ignore goner's comment because if you do not have a vanisher you do not understand and you should not even put your two cents in on this thread.
Nah, thanks for all of the reminders about not wanting a clinger or a boomerang.
The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.
My stbxh said almost these same words. You do not deserve this, Tyks. I will never put you in a position where I do this to you again, Tyks.
He is gone. He cannot stand to look at me and he will never look back, but it is still nice to have this vanisher thread bc it continues to put things into perspective.
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I will never understand how they can just leave never to return, how can they do that? must have absolutely ZILCH feelings, how scary is that? then move on an marry someone else and pretend nothings wrong.
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Sorry guys,
I know this is a thread for LBS's who have Vanishers, and you have great discussions.
I don't have one and should not be part of this conversation. But I do read it.
I think unless you have a Vanisher you have no idea how you would handle it.
Ok, I'll go back to reading only. :)
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I am going to completely ignore goner's comment because if you do not have a vanisher you do not understand and you should not even put your two cents in on this thread.
Then I probably should ignore them as well before I write something that I probably shouldn't! Oops....no wait. I can't. Nah wrote: "and this is my opinion only"........ Where I live that is speaking for yourself.
Tyks - I agree. It's nice to have this thread. Thanks for starting us on the next one, Nah.
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I did start this thread and i dont mind that you started a new one. Im glad it helps.
Thunder you can join in anytime. I have always respected your thoughts and advice.
No one can understand what its like to have your h leave and act like you dont exist unlesss you have or are goibg through it. Thats why i started this. To find other people that were. The coward isnt a complete vanisher. He still has some contact with the kids. When he has something to say to me he goes through them. A real man there.
To be honest, i perfer it this way. It hurts to much to have to see him or hear his voice and im tired of him hurting me and my kids. I could not respect myself if he was still living here and being with someone else at the same time. Myself respect is more important than him. Im not saying that him abandoning me doesnt hurt everyday because it does. Why would they change if they can have their homelife and a piece of ass on tbe side and their wife being ok with it? Kinda defeats the whole purpose of what marriage us about.
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Sorry guys,
I know this is a thread for LBS's who have Vanishers, and you have great discussions.
I don't have one and should not be part of this conversation. But I do read it.
I think unless you have a Vanisher you have no idea how you would handle it.
Ok, I'll go back to reading only. :)
Please, Thunder, we all love and respect you and I will always be grateful for your input. :D
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I really don't think being an MLC LBS is a competitive sport! Like Nah said, I have seen lots of situations that folks with live-in spouses or boomerangs have had to cope with and sometimes felt profoundly grateful that I haven't had to deal with that too. I have also felt a kind of unhealthy strange envy when boomerangs say something - nice or not - that gives the LBS some insight they choose to share here. I've felt grateful not to be protecting children from this painful chaos...and envious that children might be an 'excuse' to maintain some limited contact.
My sense of what life is like with a vanisher...or mostly vanisher with the odd pop up, from my own experience only:
- I knew my H was self-harming and suicidal for about 4 months. But he was still working so no-one believed me. I couldn't even run him a bath or hold him. The only way I knew he wasn't dead was that no-one had called me and if his monthly salary showed in the house account.
- It's really hard to guess what is going on because you don't directly see a lot of the odd behaviour. You just know they have run away and that this is unlike your previously loving H. It maybe makes it easier to doubt it is MLC and when you find out there is an OW/OM everyone tells you it's a 'normal' marriage breakdown even though your gut is screaming that it isn't
- It is like they have died, but you have no body, and your grief feels unacceptable to other people
- You feel such complete rejection, as if you and years of marriage weren't even worth a note or a conversation (with hindsight you realise that it would have been bats$it crazy MLC lingo so probably pretty pointless). There are no signs at all that they care whether you are alive or dead. You start to feel invisible.
- Even as a vanisher, because you are married, you have practical stuff that needs to be done. It is very difficult to do that, or manage a separation, or even a sensible divorce with someone who refuses to communicate with you at all. For months. You begin to think it would be easier practically if they had died because you're trapped in limbo...and then feel guilty
- As time goes on, you feel less and less hope that they will return and more doubt that there is any point in standing. You feel like an idiot. Other people think you're an idiot and tell you so often.
- Detaching is easier in some ways because you're forced to do NC by them doing NC. Initially this is crazy making and you send endless texts/emails. Which make you feel pathetic and abused every time they are ignored. Detaching is also harder because they are alive in your head as they were because you haven't been faced with the reality of what they are now.
- You realise how easy it is to put on a mind reading hat obsessively and make assumptions about the silence. That's a good and bad thing depending on how you're cycling and the assumptions you choose. Both make you feel insane and nothing seems to change, because you don't see enough to know if your spouse is progressing at all. It is like spitting in the wind. For months. And your head becomes your own worst enemy.
- Being left with no reason is hard. Being told someone wants a divorce by text is truly s$itty.
That's just a snapshot from me. I don't know what difference if any it makes to have one type or another. With hindsight, and info from the financial disclosures, I think my H was a low-energy silent wallower at first, driven more by fear. Then, after a brief t-and-g few weeks, he became a vanishing high-energy replayer, still silent, more about control and lies, but with OW and a mad spending habit. Now, I have no idea...he has gone back to silence after a brief flurry of odd t-and-g's. Occasionally, my instinct has told me when it feels like an angry silence or a thinky one. Gut instinct now? Probably a bit thinky or guilty. But could equally be that he barely remembers his life pre-BD or my name and is happily planning his next marriage, and everyone is right and no MLC involved...it is impossible to know. His D is almost done.
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Wow Treasur
You summed up what it's like to have a vanisher perfectly. I wanted to pick something out but I agree with every single word you wrote.
We can all go home now. :D
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I’m more of a reader than responder but the statement about giving up because you have a vanisher that’s been gone for years kind-of got me going. My xh took a job in another state 5 years ago and we did the commute. I do believe that was the start of his breakdown, BD came 2.5 years later. We’ve been divorce now for 18 months because he was sure it was what he wanted and he filed immediately in VA. Because we were both raised here in Chicago, raised our family here etc, it was important for me to get the divorce done here. The law is better and my history was here, it was also important for me to gain some type of control since he was completely out of control. He was spending our retirement money and having a cross country affair with a woman that he met online. So i worked hard and was able to get the suit dropped based on the fact we hadn’t lived separate and apart for a year, the VA law. I felt forced to file here before he refilled again after the year was up. I ‘m still standing but have moved on with my life as far as work, mental and emotional well being, having fun planning daughter’s wedding and future grandchildren. We were together for 35 years , married for 30. I’m 56 and not to old to dream of a life with someone else but I can’t, not yet. So needless to say, distance and time between you and vanisher or not, you can still stand. He’s working through the process and I am NC 80% of the time. I will see him next week when he comes home for a work conference and to visit our daughters. We are not buddies, nor friends right now, but we are cordial and respectful to each other. I see pain and guilt in his eyes every time i see him and I do not pry into his life regarding OW who is still in the picture ( although based on recent mentions from family members,, things seem to be falling apart). I share that with you because I do believe these affairs have little chance of surviving. If things do fall apart, it doesn’t mean his crisis will be over. He needs time. I often feel that he will be in my life again but not for years to come, and that’s ok. I may or may not be here. But, I will stand whether he is living near me or away.
I love this site, it has been instrumental in getting me through what has been by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. But when I read judgmental statements it fires me up!
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I agree, Treasure. That was a good summation and you have hit every nail on the head that happened in my life for the last 15 months ::)
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Following along. X
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following along on this one...
Im still trying to figure out what mine is.. ???
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Think I qualify to follow along
Married OW and moved to Memphis 7000 miles away to live the American dream
Even though he has 2 children no forwarding address given to children
Vanished ... Erased
SC x
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Think I qualify to follow along
Married OW and moved to Memphis 7000 miles away to live the American dream
Even though he has 2 children no forwarding address given to children
Vanished ... Erased
SC x
Good to hear from you, SC! I hope you and the kids are doing well and living life in a big way.
I am not a bit surprised that you hear nothing at all from Team Memphis. Mine lives 3 minutes from me and can go months or a year with no contact (unless he wants something from the property that is still here :o ).
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I often feel that he will be in my life again but not for years to come, and that’s ok. I may or may not be here. But, I will stand whether he is living near me or away.
Some may say it's our imagination but our gut "feelings" more often than not seem to land right on target.
Again and again and again, my "feelings' end up being right on target.
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I also have a 'feeling' that he will try and return sometime in the distant future then I think he married her, so maybe its just my wishful thinking then I feel like I will never have anything to do with him what he did is evil I don't want to see him again.
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Nah and Treasur your writings are sooo close to my feelings! I am so disappointed that another LBS would dismiss our feelings because we have vanishers. It is not only hurtful but shocking!!! To say “they are gone and we should be over it” is not only cruel but why should we not be saying to the same to her??? If her H is not giving her 100%, then setting for sharing their spouses is the noble thing to do???? Why is she giving her H head space and just forgetting how she feels????
Thunder please stay with us!!! You are always a voice reason!!!
Love to all my LBS with vanishers!!🤗
I do have one question, do you think at MLC remembers the day they BD like we do?
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Yes Thunder please stay! u give me great comfort and remind me of whats truth.
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The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.
Yes, it's your opinion, but what you are saying is you think your ex-husband has more respect for you than the spouses of those of us with clinging boomerangs have for us. You are saying our spouses think we deserve what they are doing. What you forget is that those clinging boomerangs are still our spouses and we have chosen to stay with them, and I will defend him as a wife naturally defends her husband from outside attacks.
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Treasur your words were exact to how I feel ,, I'm told to ignore and there's nothing I can do about the situation but it's hard too ,, he ripped my heart out and ran ,, ran as fast as he could and I don't exist anymore,, I've come so far but I can never think of moving on with another relationship, I don't go out I just work and me and my daughter have taken up running,, tortoise style, but we have run 3 half marathons and training for a full next year , something I never thought I would ever do , so I'm trying to move on in my own way ,, but when friends tell me they've seen him with her recently out it's a kick in the gut again ,, for 3 years he's been hiding her ,,it's hard because like u all have said people don't want to hear about it anymore not even a close friend,, no one knows until they are faced with it ,,
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I don't believe it's out of respect that they vanished,, he never respected me ,, it's full blown guilt .
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The funny this is, and this is my opinion only, I think the vanishers at least have a little more respect and they know we don't deserve what they are doing, so they can't even look at us.
Or that's their way of dealing with guilt? Or avoiding looking at reality? Or fear of our reaction? Or a way to exercise control? Or hidden anger? Or....No way to know, I think. We make a best guess based on what we see and know of our spouse, but maybe we can't know until further down the road.
Yes, it's your opinion, but what you are saying is you think your ex-husband has more respect for you than the spouses of those of us with clinging boomerangs have for us. You are saying our spouses think we deserve what they are doing. What you forget is that those clinging boomerangs are still our spouses and we have chosen to stay with them, and I will defend him as a wife naturally defends her husband from outside attacks.
I really hope we can all step back from 'my MLC spouse is better/worse/harder than yours'...I'm not sure it helps any of us, and I'm not sure it's true. All of our situations are painful and we are all trying to make sense of them the best way we can based on who we are and our own individual circumstances. The tough truth is that usually for at least a while, none of us can really know what our spouses think and feel, or what they will think or feel further down the line. We're all just doing the best we can to survive something terrible, look after ourselves and honour our spouses and marriages as best we can.
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To say “they are gone and we should be over it” is not only cruel but why should we not be saying to the same to her??? If her H is not giving her 100%, then setting for sharing their spouses is the noble thing to do???? Why is she giving her H head space and just forgetting how she feels????
I can choose to look at the glass as half empty, or half full, and I choose the latter. That's all.
But if the glass was empty, it would be empty. I'm not saying you have it easy and that it doesn't hurt, but from a practical standpoint, I think the choice about what to DO would be pretty straightforward.
I have a friend who married at 19 and by the age of 35 had 5 kids and was stay at home mom. Her husband divorced her and vanished. I don't know if it was MLC but she told me he was bipolar and he truly dropped off the face of the earth to her and the kids for 7 whole years and remarried during that time. 6 months after she was divorced, the ex-wife of a wealthy neurosurgeon actually suggested she might make a good wife for her ex-husband. They were introduced over the phone on a Tuesday, and she told him I'm fat, 35 years old, have 5 kids, you wouldn't want me. But he was a very religious man and wanted to marry someone who needed him and they married the next Saturday and he took on full responsibility for supporting her kids, paying for them to go to private school, etc. What would she have gained by standing for her ex? What would her kids have had to endure?
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I can choose to look at the glass as half empty, or half full, and I choose the latter. That's all.
But if the glass was empty, it would be empty. I'm not saying you have it easy and that it doesn't hurt, but from a practical standpoint, I think the choice about what to DO would be pretty straightforward.
I appreciate that it might seem that way, or that there are less challenges about what to DO...but it really isn't so. So, for instance, if you know your husband is suicidal and no-one else will help because they don't believe you and you don't want him to die and you know that if he will interpret your support as pressure so it might push him over the edge and will probably kill any chance of reconnection....what do you DO? Or if you accept that he has filed for a divorce you don't want and is stealing money from you as well as building huge cc debt and he then stops talking to his own L or responding to yours and won't respond to you and you can't shut accounts without his signature...what do you DO?
They are just different challenges unless you shrug your shoulders the day after BD and don't care about your H or your M. But I think if you do, like most of us, try to stand for your M and stand upright in the chaos, it's really hard to figure out what to do with so little information.
I just think that all of us share similarities in what MLC brings as well as different challenges, and that we shouldn't be judging each other or weighing one against the other. I have to tell you that, difficult as I see the decisions for folks with boomerangs, say, there are plenty of times when just the opportunity to see my H's face for an hour or know he was alive would have been worth almost anything to me.
Maybe using your metaphor, it's like trying to see the glass as half full when the glass is invisible :)
PS Unusually for me, your post made me feel a bit cross and a bit sneered at, GIG. I'm sure that wasn't your intention but it came across as you saying two things. One, why are you here because the glass is empty so you should just get over it...which is a bit close to what so many of us hear from real-life friends which makes us feel unheard. And second, that there is no point standing with a vanishing spouse but better to just move on and find another one...which is a pretty harsh judgement after 20 years of marriage and a bit of a slap in the mush to anyone trying to stand with a vanisher or part-vanisher. I truly don't know, and I suspect you don't either, if vanishers reappear to reconnect. I've read the odd tale where they do because the process is working even though you can't see it...and actually we all know that our hands in it largely makes no difference.
In my situation, I have forced myself to give up hope because I've lost my whole family and disappointed hope and grief was killing me. Do I know if that's a right or wrong decision? I don't. Is it as possible that I could post in a month 'gosh what should I do, my vanisher has reappeared and wants to talk'? Yes, could happen...I just had to choose to move forward as if it won't.
I just would like to ask all of us to be gentle with each other, because we're all hurting and struggling with difficult things we never thought we'd have to face.
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and I will defend him as a wife naturally defends her husband from outside attacks.
I'm not talking to Goner here, I'm talking to those of you with vanishers who are kind of new at this....
Here's another advantage of having a vanisher as opposed to a clinger/boomerang.
Early after BD, The Leaver's best friend said to me, "well, Nah, you know The Leaver has always had a selfish side." I actually stood up out of my chair ready to attack The Leaver's best friend in defense and then I sat back down because I realized he was right. I spent close to thirty years defending The Leaver, because that's what a wife does but The Leaver was no longer here, he vanished. Never, not one time, did I let someone attack The Leaver without defending him, until now. Why did I allow it this time? Already I was changing, yes I was changing because for the first time it was about me not "us".
Now again, this was The Leaver's best friend, he loved him like a brother (and still does) but he was feeding me some truth that I was too close to see when The Leaver was my husband. Only now, once The Leaver was out of my face could I step back and see him with a clear lens.
Now it may seem to other LBS's who have another type of MLCer that I am attacking their spouse, well, I kind of attack all the MLCers as a group, not as an individual unless they are especially abusive, and my favorite target is the other woman (but I have yet to find a LBS that will defend an other woman) but what I'm really doing is describing my thoughts on the only journey I know,... and I'm a spouse of a vanisher and this happens to be the vanisher thread.
What spouses who don't have a vanisher doesn't understand, while I agree with Treasur 100% this is not a contest, but it is natural for a vanisher spouse to wrongly believe that we were loved less then a clinger spouse because it seems to us in the early days that our spouse never wavered, that it was easier for them. I say Bullsh!t and then I list my reasons why, I can do this because as Goner has so eloquently point out is that I have been here for a long time. Time is another factor for having a clearer lens.
I guess I can use my imagination OR I can recall actual events (which anybody on here that follows me will know that I often recall actual events, I might not remember where I put my keys but I can remember situations from twenty years ago like it was yesterday)...
The day after BD I said to The Leaver, "Are you sure this is what you want? You know if I go out there it will take me ten minutes to replace you"
He put his head down and slowly shook his head "yes", he whispered barely audible, "I can't imagine you with anyone else"
Looking back, I know I should have stepped back, took a breath, and worked on myself. That would have been the correct way to heal. Instead I went out and Firetrucked every not married guy I could find that I knew would drive The Leaver insane with jealousy.
My first of many mistakes over the first two years.
Or that's their way of dealing with guilt? Or avoiding looking at reality? Or fear of our reaction? Or a way to exercise control? Or hidden anger? Or....No way to know, I think. We make a best guess based on what we see and know of our spouse, but maybe we can't know until further down the road.
Yes, all of these, but from my husband, my journey, I know he ran because he knew (right or wrong) that I would eventually challenge him and throw in his face that I could do exactly what he was doing.... and more. You see, at the time, he was throwing on my shoulders HIS insecurities and I was taking it. He had us BOTH believing that I was old, fat and worthless and he was too good to be with a used up old hag like me. I believe, he knew deep down, that once released I would rise.... and I did. He knew that he would lose the contest that HE created. Sure, it was a warped kind of respect, but all of this is a warped situation.
Now am I here saying I'm better than anyone else? Far from it. If anything I often describe my insecurities, my journey of self-destruction, my boatload of mistakes. I can't count how many times on here I have written, "this was not the best thing to do, but it's what I did",.... I strip down and let everyone see my raw emotions and stupid decisions so they can see they are not alone.
I'm here, and I'm not leaving even though through the years I have been questioned many times why I'm still here because, again I have a very good situational memory, and I remember that pain like it was yesterday.
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Goner your husband hasn't vanished so why are u here? to discourage the rest of us?
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Never, not one time, did I let someone attack The Leaver without defending him, until now. Why did I allow it this time? Already I was changing, yes I was changing because for the first time it was about me not "us".
I agree with that, nah. I did the same in the first few months when we had some contact and my H was still asking me to not give up on him or us. Distance does allow you to step back a bit and you're forced to focus on 'me'. I have gulped when I have seen the pain and effort of people trying hard to detach with a crazy spouse rollercoaster right in their face. And I have felt grateful that my memory does not include a long list of '100 reasons why your H thinks you're s$it' (whilst I'm sure my H has thought these things and said them to other people perhaps ;D)
What spouses who don't have a vanisher doesn't understand, while I agree with Treasur 100% this is not a contest, but it is natural for a vanisher spouse to wrongly believe that we were loved less then a clinger spouse because it seems to us in the early days that our spouse never wavered, that it was easier for them. I say Bullsh!t and then I list my reasons why, I can do this because as Goner has so eloquently point out is that I have been here for a long time. Time is another factor for having a clearer lens.
I did feel this, I think, and maybe that's why Goner's comments stung a bit. Like you, with time, I don't believe that is true. I think my H's vanishing is much more about his coping strategy than a reflection of his love for me. Actually, in a weird way, the more I see him not respond calmly and 'normally' after so long, the more it tells me that this isn't easy or straightforward for him...Silence can be surprisingly loud!
Looking back, I know I should have stepped back, took a breath, and worked on myself. That would have been the correct way to heal. Instead I went out and Firetrucked every not married guy I could find that I knew would drive The Leaver insane with jealousy.
My first of many mistakes over the first two years.
Join the gang...I've made a million mistakes!
Now am I here saying I'm better than anyone else? Far from it. If anything I often describe my insecurities, my journey of self-destruction, my boatload of mistakes. I can't count how many times on here I have written, "this was not the best thing to do, but it's what I did",.... I strip down and let everyone see my raw emotions and stupid decisions so they can see they are not alone.
I'm here, and I'm not leaving even though through the years I have been questioned many times why I'm still here because, again I have a very good situational memory, and I remember that pain like it was yesterday.
Same for me. I share my thoughts and feelings to try to figure out what they actually are, and what to do with them. Sometimes I look for hope and wonder if I should stand. Sometimes I just look for a hug or encouragement to keep going. Sometimes I read things that make me question myself or keep my eye on my own healing. I remember bits of the pain, a few bits I've probably blanked out but a trigger can make them reappear in a heartbeat.
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Treasur, you are a huge asset to this site and I hope you stick around for a long time.
You just might be our next Thunder (my all-time favorite :) )
Funny how so many will question those of us that have been here for a long time and then others will wonder where are all the reconciled marriages. None of this is quick or easy.
I still will get a trigger once in a while but they vanish almost as quickly as my husband.
See what I did there? ;D ;D
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Thank you nah (and Shocked & Chriss), you are seriously too kind.
I do read this thread, but don't often comment. I read a lot of threads because it helps me, as a Mentor, to try to understand all these MLCer's, but I also find this one particularly interesting.
I love how you guys have found such camaraderie here. It's a joy to see.
Maybe I should have started a thread for Wallower's. ha ha
I just wanted to say, not having a Vanisher, I don't understand it and I have no clue how I would have reacted or what I would do.
There were times when I thought...well maybe a Vanisher is better, at least with a Vanisher you are forced to heal and let go, because you are given no other choice. Possible you heal faster.
Clinger's can suck the life out of you and it's harder to even start to heal because their always in your face.
But after reading what everyone has been saying I no longer think that's true (about LBS's w/Vanisher's). Yes, you may be about to get on with your life faster, but to me it would be much harder to have someone vanish from your life leaving you with 1.000 questions.
Walking away like that is such a cowardly way to leave someone and I'm sure it, not only makes the confusion worse, but it also hurts like h!ll. >:(
I really feel you ladies are all Gladiators. Some of the strongest women on here. :)
Btw, YES, treasur, is a TREASURE for sure!! ;D
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I have a girl crush on Thunder too :-* :-* :-* and thank you, Thunder xxx
And I did see what you did, nah ;D
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Well this discussion has got very lively ....
Without a doubt there is a place for those of us with vanishers, like Treasur so eloquently said we all have our challenges to face, and being a part of this forum is that we can discuss openly these issues.
This forum doesn't exist for those that only reconcile with their spouses, if so there would be only a handful of members - we all know the lack of purple icons on this board.
After BD for the first 6 months my ExH was a clinger - he would come home every 2-3 days, text and phone and we even went away together then bang - he skipped the country to hookup with Ms Memphis newly divorced whom he meet on line and myself and the children were left in the wake.
I do not wish to reconcile with my ExH but I am here trying to figure out or calm my brain as to what actually happened to my life and my future. Just because my ExH has vanished my glass is not half empty but infact is half full waiting for me to replenish it to the brim.
SCx
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Now it may seem to other LBS's who have another type of MLCer that I am attacking their spouse, well, I kind of attack all the MLCers as a group, not as an individual unless they are especially abusive, and my favorite target is the other woman (but I have yet to find a LBS that will defend an other woman)
You said:
Here's a few examples of what I have read over the years....
One heard her spouse having sex upstairs with the other woman,their small children in the house.
One found her MLCer packing to go camping with the ow, while she had a medical issue, he literally stepped over her to leave.
One would everyday, leave to see the other woman, then come home and sleep on the sofa.
Many say they are over "her", sleep with the wife and then the wife finds a message.
Have friends, family, your children see him with you, and then her, and then you, and then her....
Now, none of those are taken from anything I have posted here but at least one of them I recognize exactly who is being described, but indeed you were NOT talking generally here and even you admit you don't always refrain from talking generally, from your exceptions you seem to be painting this person's spouse and all other spouses referred to in this list as "particularly abusive," which is you passing judgment on someone else's spouse.
I don't have an issue with those who vanishers as a general group. None of us deserve that happened to us, but there's stuff I hold back on posting publicly here because I know I would almost certainly find my husband in your specific list of "especially abusive" MLCers simply because it doesn't jive with what you think is acceptable.
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Gig, you seem to be unhappy about something but I'm not sure what exactly? Something around blaming or attacking the behaviours of MLC spouses and the extent to which nah, or anyone else here, judges those behaviours as abusive? Say a little more to help us understand if I've misinterpreted that?
On the issue of abuse, and attacking/defending our spouses...I've had a couple of struggles with that. There are things my STBXH has done which I know my pre-BD H would be horrified by. I've been horrified by them and struggled to accept that some dark part of my H is even capable of it...but they are real facts. There are things I have chosen not to share IRL with people who know us because...IDK...they are so awful that I don't want to speak them out loud maybe. Or I feel like others will never forgive or accept what I can? Not sure.
But I also had to push myself hard to accept they were real, he had done these things. He may need to hide from them, but I really feel for myself that hiding from them isn't healthy. But they hurt to look at. I don't want to think of my H as an abusive man, or myself as an abused woman...but some of the extreme STBXH behaviours ARE abusive and clearly about fear, control and power. And to protect myself, I've had to find the courage to see them for what they are.
Do I believe my H is a bad man? No, I don't. Do I believe his mental health has lead him to do bad, abusive things intentionally? Sometimes, yes. And I'm pretty sure that he will never recover unless he reaches a point where he can accept that too, but I can't imagine how hard that would be to do. I just feel that honouring my H as a flawed human being is about accepting all of him, and that if a day ever comes when I have a supporting role in his recovery, my ability to love him and not deny the abusive behaviour is important and real. No different really from accepting that I am a good sane person who has occasionally done some nutty things - some of which have hurt other people - as I have struggled with my own mental health.
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Simply put... all the actions on that list does seem abusive to me.
Goner, if you feel the need to respond to me more please go directly to my thread.
This is the vanisher thread and I would like to keep it as a support thread not the Nah vs Goner show.
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No thank you Nah. If you think having a discussion is about putting on a show then you are welcome to keep the stage all for yourself. I have no interest in taking the limelight off of you. I'm outta here.
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Wow! Glad to hear this will be going back to being a thread to help heal and support the LBSs with vanishers. I have found so much help in this forum from almost all LBSs. I was having trouble believing one of us would be so judgemental of any of us and our methods of healing!!! Your sharing in these posts helped to get me where I today. I am going forward but still with a limp. I lean on you all. I have learn helpful points from most! Thank you I hope Nah and Treasur will stay with us. Your words inspire me to stand up straighter everyday!!!!
I am going to ask my question again. Do you think our MLCer remember the day of the BD like we do? Do they mark time like we do?
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Goner, finally you are leaving a thread that you had no business being on.
Shocked, I don't think they do. I think they have ran and are not looking back, unfortunately. Mine does not even remember half of what he said.!! And 15 months later he is still playing thr blame game and poor him as the victim.
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I agree with Tykes,
Bomb drop is a big deal to us but for them, we were just in the way of their new shiny life.
Early stages they are just running, we are far down on their list of priorities.
Very early on he said things such as "it's time to move forward" and "do we have to go over this again?" We never went over it once.
What I wonder about is people often ask me and my boyfriend when/ how we met.
Do they say five years ago (even though he's only been divorced for three)? Do they say, "he was my married boss but when our eyes met...."
I'm not kidding, I wonder what they say bc I love our "how we met story".
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Shocked - well mine did it on his 53rd birthday so when his next one rolls around maybe he'll wake up that morning and say,
"Man, I gave myself the best birthday present ever two years ago. I'm sure living the dream right now!"
But on a serious note......in all actuality I don't think they remember much of BD, their actions, or their words.
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'But on a serious note......in all actuality I don't think they remember much of BD, their actions, or their words.'
Wonder if mine remembers marrying the ow? ::)
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Anecdotal evidence would suggest not. To be fair, they had a bunch of things stewing before that we didn't know about so their experiences and ours would necessarily be different. In a thinky email, like Nah said, my mostly silent vanisher said "we've talked and talked and it just feels like we're stuck". My response was that he may have 'talked and talked' but not to me ??? as we had seen each other 4 times in 22 months and spoken less than 10 times on the phone...(he may have had lots of talking in his head, of course!)
On the issue of time, I think we all have lots of examples that MLCers don't seem to have the same relationship with time, deadlines and significant dates as they used to.
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Attaching and catching up....
What the heck??? I don't post about things I haven't experienced. So please, until you've walked in my magically vanishing shoes, don't judge the chapter of our thread that you happened to click on... It's a difficult place to be, dumped, alone, broke, homeless, sick, and scared to death of what is coming next..
Some vanishers, like puffy the 5 star flaming marshmellow, chose to completly sneak attack and then vanish.. I hate to assume but I'm pretty sure he loves every second of the memory of the phone call of me screaming, we've been robbed!!!! I'm sure he's delighted by the look on my face when I handed him a plate of pot roast and he slammed divorce papers down on the counter. Papers he'd filed 3 weeks prior.. I haven't made or had pot roast since....
But there again, he may not. He did give his reason for leaving as I slept with the tv on and just didn't understand his porn issues...
I know that he now believes we divorced because we didn't get along... I still laugh at that... I guess that shows what he does remember.. He's still hasn't come clean about the multiple women he was cheating with... Vanishers can't have a true conversation, they have to run because the truth will catch up to them and they can no longer handle the look on your face, when they destroy you. It's a curse and a gift - once the truth behind his vanishing act became public knowledge, I couldn't stand any longer. When everything within me broke, all at the same time, I laid it down and walked away. Hardest decision ever but I knew it was the right thing to do for me and my son. What I thought was going to kill me ended up being the greatest blessing!!!!
Almost four years without the craziness of my former life, three since Independence Day!!!!
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Well I think they do remember, I think it was last yr or the yr before he told my youngest that 'today is mums and I wedding anniversary', must still be feeling something for him to mention it.
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Perhaps the most important thing is not what they remember, but what we do and how we push it aside enough to heal from it. Vanishers are a big black hole really. I genuinely have no idea what mine thinks about BD. Gosh, I don't even know if he remembers me or any part of our life together, let alone BD!
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I don't want him to remember me, he's married to ow all the best.
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Might be mean...but I'd like my STBXH to remember enough to know what he threw away and feel pain.
Not so mean...I am grateful for my happy memories and I hope he will get well enough to eventually have them too.
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My opinion, they want to forget BD, so it's not high on their list.
Forget us? They can try but unless they have complete amnesia, they can't just forget 20, 25, 30 years of their lives.
Now mine is a semi-vanisher so I have had conversations with him over the years.
He often brings up things... people, places, things of the past. Even things since BD that tells me he is watching me (places I traveled, people I have seen, new restaurants that he thought I would like :o)
I keep bringing this up but he TOLD me that he thinks of me everyday, the funny thing is he said it like it was my fault, he was mad and yelling, "DO YOU THINK THIS HAS BEEN EASY FOR ME? I THINK OF YOU AND THE LIFE WE HAD EVERY SINGLE DAY!"
.... and then the idiot married her.
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.... and then the idiot married her.
Lol, so they remember the damage and lbs? awww so they have choose what to remember ??? ::)
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I feel having the bomb dropt in June 14 to now all my memories are off all the bad , I remember how much he had no respect for me ,, how he used me , I just was never good enough , I see no good in our lives ,, I look back at times and wonder if I missed a time he was cheating on me and I actually never new the man that I have been with for 26 years ,, that man was a lie ,, he will never remember bomb drop because I never gave him the chance to stay I kicked him out as soon as I heard the words we are not happy abd there's no one else , but his actions were so very different to the man I grew up with ,, I often question is this mid life or just a cheater, but for three years I have read on here so many similar experiences that I know he is in deep ,, but I know that is it I'm too stubborn to ever ever want to interact with this man ever again , I thought I would take him back but as time goes on , I think the life he has with her , the sexual things ,, there is no going back , he has destroyed me and our life ,, I cannot and will not for I believe forever ever trust that I can be good enough for anyone ever again ,, and the worst thing is he knows that aswell ,, he knows wot he has done ,,
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:'( Monty I could've written your post.
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Choose? I don't think so. I mean, I really don't know what goes on in their heads, but I don't think so.
I think we live parallel lives.
We get triggers, they get triggers.
For example, about a year ago during a conversation, my boyfriend held my face in his hands and said, "don't you know I love you? I'm not him, I'm never going to leave you"
I flipped out. My boyfriend saying he would never leave me was a trigger.
Do you really think the MLCer never has a trigger? Sights, sounds, smells, people, places, things that remind them of us? Even if they moved to the other side of the world, it doesn't matter, we are inside of them, just like they are inside of us.
The biggest difference though is we are working on our issues, they are trying to avoid.
So they hide and try to shove the memories to the backs of their minds.
For those who believe MLC has to do with FOO issues, isn't that how they got into this mess to begin with?
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Because we have no contact, my son says he never asks him about home , I know he doesn't with my daughter,, I don't know I think at the moment he hides ,, I don't exist to him so I'm not sure he has thoughts and triggers, he has never contacted me since he left , 2014, only rang my phone when my son was in car accident . So I don't know
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Hugs chrisxx
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Eventually if we find love ,someone that feels right I think we should give it our all , I hope I find that one day ,, cause we all deserve love and happiness and I think that's the time we should let them go ,they have their chance and sometimes I feel why the hell should they come back after so many years pretending to have put up with sxxt and been living in hell, with a younger women who performs what ever sex act on them and that's hell ??? , , they have taken years away from us but we should make sure we have the strength to make the right decision, I hope one day I let this pain go and find what I deserve in life and that karma bus . Don't get me wrong I will always love him ,,, but the hurt xx
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I'm following along, these threads help me keep my sanity 😊 we feel like a sub group within a sub group
I like it when everyone posts here, whether they have a vanishing type or not, because I think any support and advice can help, but I don't understand why anyone would post unhelpful, unsupportive things on this thread, the title explains what this thread is about 😳
Anyway back to the topic
I agree with Nah ( again 😄 ) in my situation
Forget us? They can try but unless they have complete amnesia, they can't just forget 20, 25, 30 years of their lives.
I keep bringing this up but he TOLD me that he thinks of me everyday, the funny thing is he said it like it was my fault, he was mad and yelling, "DO YOU THINK THIS HAS BEEN EASY FOR ME? I THINK OF YOU AND THE LIFE WE HAD EVERY SINGLE DAY!"
Do you really think the MLCer never has a trigger? Sights, sounds, smells, people, places, things that remind them of us? Even if they moved to the other side of the world, it doesn't matter, we are inside of them, just like they are inside of us.
So they hide and try to shove the memories to the backs of their minds
I think mine remembers some of the details around BD, I think his fogginess was more when I'd discovered the texting to OW but before I realised how serious it was 😔 that was when he seemed very muddled, forgetful, angry and he drank too much
I think he probably remembers a lot about BD ( I'd found out about his PA and told him to leave, which had been the thing he was dreading ) I think those fews weeks after he left are jumbled for him and doubt he can remember much, he was running with his head down, ashamed, and consumed with guilt, straight into OW's waiting arms
In the early days he told me that he missed me all the time, that he even got upset in the supermarket when he saw the things I like 😳. He also said he argued with OW all the time because she knew he still loved me ( well if he's crying in the supermarket when they're starting their shiny new life together I'm sure that would bother OW 😂 )
Even though he's pretty much a NC vanisher I think my H probably thinks about me a lot, and also because I work for him, that's the only contact we have at the moment, I imagine my name is mentioned often by his colleagues but he refuses to discuss me. I think that's him trying to block the thoughts of me, he just can't face what he's done
I think mine tries not to think about me because he regrets what he did, hence the drinking. He's too weak and ashamed to do anything about the situation, but I don't think he's forgotten about me
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I'm sorry if the truth I wrote is classed as negativity, but unlike my vanisher I do not live in la la land ,, and as this thread is about is vanishers ,, so I don't know what he thinks about every day cause I have no contact ,, but I do believe his life is not all bad ,, the other women isn't bending his arm backwards when he takes her out and puts comments on media sites on how hot she looks ,, so I apologise if my words are not all up beat , this is how I feel MLc is absolute sxxt
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No need to apologise, monty - it sucks and we all have good days and bad. I choose not to snoop on social media because it doesn't help me and it doesn't change anything. What I think, feel and do is more important, and trusting my own gut instinct rather than other's opinions.
I have no idea if my STBXH is happy or thinks about me at all or any of those 18 years together. What I can see is that none of this is normal for him or for a normal marriage breakdown - there is just too much crazy s$it and it has stayed crazy for too long. All I can do is accept that my STBXH lost the plot, accept that there is f**k all I can do about that and not let myself be overwhelmed by it too. I genuinely don't know what will happen to him but after 2 years now I accept that it is out of my hands.
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Catching up with much interest and sense of deja vu after my own little vanishing act from the forum.
My H is (mostly) a Vanisher.
In my opinion, every flavour of MLC/MLC-like abandonment/disposal/discard/disregard has its own special bitterness.
On some levels I'm grateful I don't have to try to make sense of the nonsense through regular contact, or the antics of a clinging or even moderate boomerang. But the silence of the Chamber of Unanswered Questions that is life post BD by a Vanisher is no fun either.
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The Chamber of Unanswered Questions
Perfect description of Vanisher life :) Maybe it's a contrast with the The Hall of Crazy Mirrors of a Boomerang? Or The Cesspit of Despair of a Wallower? Or The Bedroom(s) of Bravado for a High-Energy Replayer?
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I will never get how they carry on like every things normal? dump their families like they're strangers and move on.
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I dont know if they remember anything from bd or not but i think by them not being able to look us in the face and avoid us says alot.
In august of last year, after barely any contact for 8 months, the coward text me and wanted a face to face with me. I agreed and within an hour he was at my door. He wanted to talk about visitation with d13 and finances. He never brought up either subject. He did however bring up that he wasnt happy, thought about me all the time, missed me, he and the ow were having regrets, he cant stand her kid, called the kid retarded, didnt desire her, would have no problem shipping her off back to where she came from and cutting all contact off with her to fix our marriage. He barely tried for a month. Then was gone again.
For 5 months there was no visits, text or calls to even d13. Until i filed for child support. He had 2 years of no financial responsibility. He spent his money on him and what he wanted. Not reality. Then the child support kicked in snd the divorce is final and the spousal support has kicked in. His work slows down in the winter and pretty much goes on unemployment every winter. This winter wull be different this year because he has responsibility again. Hello realitity!!
Him and d13 have to go to court ordered assessments now . During these assessments he has spent the whole time bad mouthing me. If he has spent this long not thinking about me then why is he talking about me so much, even if its negative? Because he is still trying to justify what he has done. D13 told me that she feels he misses me or what we had . A 13 year old girl feels this way. So yes, i do feel that they do think of us. We just dont see or hear it much, but its there. No matter how much they run, its there.
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I'm sorry if the truth I wrote is classed as negativity, but unlike my vanisher I do not live in la la land ,,
Monty - I hope you think my comments were directed at you. I was cross with what GIG had posted a few days earlier, I was late catching up with this thread
Your post was saying how you feel, which is what this place is for 😊
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Thankyou still half full, and treasure . To all of you you have make me smile through this xx
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I'm sorry if the truth I wrote is classed as negativity, but unlike my vanisher I do not live in la la land ,,
Monty - I hope you think my comments were directed at you. I was cross with what GIG had posted a few days earlier, I was late catching up with this thread
Your post was saying how you feel, which is what this place is for 😊
I think she means she hopes you DON'T think her comments were directed at you! She'll no doubt clarify for us!
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Whoops, definitely meant DON'T 😄
Thanks SB 😉
Arghhh, note to self - don't post when you can't sleep or when you've got headache 😊
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It's all ok I knew for me it was early so i didn't see the mistake ,, I got to say that I now believe all the other types of MLc spouses believe we are better off ,, but have you thought about how many of us are stuck and don't move on because we are left abandoned?
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I got to say that I now believe all the other types of MLc spouses believe we are better off ,, but have you thought about how many of us are stuck and don't move on because we are left abandoned?
I don't know how they feel, but I know I feel we are better off.
Not initially, no initially I begged, pleaded, cried, offered any solution I could come up with (such as he could do whatever he wanted and I would be faithful) for him to not leave me. If he stayed, I would have spent my days and nights waiting for him to come home night after night, checking his phone for clues, dissecting every single interactions we had, day after day after day. Instead within just a few days, I was dating. I admit that was a little too fast, but I did get out there instead of waiting for HIM.
How would that have helped me to move forward?
Since he left and left quick (I filed about 5 days after he left) it was like ripping off a band-aide. Yes, it stung like a bastard but then he was gone.
Those of us with vanisher often have a hard time b/c we are left with unanswered questions. How is that different than those with a clinger or a boomerang?
"Hey Mr. Clinger, if you love me, why are you hurting me?" ummm...
"Hey Mr. Boomerang, are you coming home tonight?" ummmm....
They don't give straight answers either.
At least with a vanisher it's not dealing with daily lies and betrayals. They leave, they live another life, and we are left to live our lives. IMO, we see less reconciliation with vanishers because we are more likely to NOT get stuck, not the other way around.
Not that any of this is easy on anybody but the only other kind of MLCer I personally could tolerate in a non-cheating wallower. Again, not easy, they all have their own challenges but at least I could feel I was somewhat respected enough to consider a future with a wallower once he came out of it.
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I see stories here and think 'gosh, I'm not sure I could have coped with that'. The brutal thing about a vanisher is the initial shock of 0-60, I think, and the initial powerlessness of trying to communicate with someone who ghosts you. It really does feel as if you, your M and every bit of your life are not even worth an email, and that is a tough kick in the face for your self-esteem. Maybe the boomerangs give you time to adjust bit by bit, but they also keep you stuck in the game too.
I really didn't know what was going on for about 6 months. I knew he was ill. I had no idea about MLC, OW or the lies and chaos to come. That it would get much, much worse. The invisibility of what he was doing probably saved me from having to see it until I was a bit stronger. I'm not sure I could have survived the insanity of a mother with dementia and a clinging mad monster at the same time. And a vanisher made it very stark...my H was a pretty decent human being...who leaves their bereaved wife after 18 years, runs away and refuses to communicate with her for months about anything? I knew it was too extreme to be about me. I knew it was too weird for too long to just be about an affair. It smelt crazy and self-destructive, if that makes sense? Forced NC does leave you with questions and without closure, but it also means you can more easily listen to your own gut instinct rather than being distracted by the noise of MLC. For me, because I had simultaneous bereavements, the grief was the worst thing. And the feeling of helplessness probably. Along with accepting that my H was now someone capable of appalling things, verging on evil without being too dramatic about it.
Coming here, we all see the same cycle of questions for LBS - WTF has turned my spouse into an unrecognisable alien? How could they do x? Is it me? Why don't they see/care about the damage? Why am I the enemy? Is it about OW/OM being 'better'? OMG, what next? Is there hope? How do I survive? What should I do now? How do I piece my/our life back together after this trauma? There is no such thing as a 'better' MLCer or an 'easier' LBS situation...just different flavours of horror.
With a vanisher, most of this 'work' is done alone in our heads. We escape some of the in your face 'mindf**kery' but also see less tangible evidence of MLC and/or reason to hope. With hindsight, I think the biggest challenge for me was my own doubt that this just wasn't normal (for my H, for normal M problem, for normal people) vs the bit of my head that wondered if I was crazy or fooling myself. Surviving was about accepting right deep in my gut that two things were absolutely true: a) this wasn't about me (or OW/OM) but about my H's broken pieces, and b) no matter what anyone else thinks, this is bats$it crazy. Full stop.
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With hindsight, I think the biggest challenge for me was my own doubt that this just wasn't normal (for my H, for normal M problem, for normal people) vs the bit of my head that wondered if I was crazy or fooling myself. Surviving was about accepting right deep in my gut that two things were absolutely true: a) this wasn't about me (or OW/OM) but about my H's broken pieces, and b) no matter what anyone else thinks, this is bats$it crazy. Full stop.
So true.
Looking back, it was the holiday season when he really starting going off the wall. FIVE YEARS AGO!! And I still once in a while wake up and think,.... that was some really fire-trucked up sh!t.
It was then that he became a pro at gaslighting and projection and I was eating up the blame like it was my last meal. Normal people don't act like that, normal people don't hurt the people they are supposed to love.
So many people that I knew (friends, family, coworkers) sure, they thought it was weird that WE were getting a divorce b/c for so long we seemed like the perfect couple. However, once I started to talk MLC, that's when most people would shut down and believe I was in denial. Sure, maybe I was in denial a bit what was happening but still today, I look back and think, that was just not a "normal" divorce. There was just too much crazy, still too much crazy but at least it's not getting heaped on my shoulders day in and day out.
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I still have no idea if its mlc or he's just your average garden variety scumbag, he took off came by a few times, but every time he'd come by I would go to my room and close the door, so he made a comment about that to the kids, (playing victim) not long after that maybe a couple of weeks he's come over once every few days and he couldn't look me in the eyes, when I found out bout owus, he completely vanished, started divorce proceedings once he got the divorce he started wedding plans with ow.
So Im guessing he's still in monster mode, why doesn't he monster to owus?? why am I the target for hate and blame? he's been with her for 3 1/2 yrs (bd) and who knows how long before that.
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Self-sabotaging / self-destructive is my best guess regarding complete vanishing husband. MIL and I spent hours on the phone trying to reason his actions, and I could see a pattern to his high and low times in his life, and strangely enough, I fit right into that ebb-flow.
I didn't have those first 5 days or that first month or 2 to experience bat$h!te crazy. No rare, not even one monster sighting, unless you count the time he Fed-Exd back to me the unopened letters,cards, gifts I attempted to reach him with. I was granted one 45 minute conversation 2 weeks after abandonment and that was it!!
I might have thought robbery had it not been for that 2 sentence note he left on the TV.
Now that the raw is gone I know that I will be the one to give myself full closure. I know not to expect anything from husband who abandoned his wife. More and more I'm considering annulling what I once believed to be a marriage. That's probably the only way to give myself closure. I'm just not sure, so I'm waiting to figure it out.
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Wow, CH, it doesn't matter how many times I read these stories, I just don't get how a man can just run away like that.
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They are not men. They are cowards.
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If I could go back to that day he gave me the 45 minutes, I would do it differently. When he walked in the restaurant, and said "I'm done" with that used car salesman smirk on his face, I would have said "OK, sounds like you've made a unilateral decision for yourself. Do you want to kiss my ass goodbye or anything before I go? ..... (pause for 3 seconds) No?" Then I would have stood tall, flipped my hair back, and walked out of there! It would have taken about 5 minutes or less and I would have 40 minutes of my precious life back. :D
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Yes, I have a vanisher. I've read all these posts and felt just so connected and not alone. I've joined this site years ago and every once in awhile I come back to "visit". This time I chose to comment because there are times I feel so alone standing for a man who left and married the other woman. He gave me the speech in June 09 two weeks after my oldest had gotten married. He moved out August 11 and had her moved in with him by the end of September. I didn't hear hide nor hair from him in a few years following that.
He married her 2 months after the divorce was finalized in a lavish over the top ceremony. The divorce itself took a few years to accomplish as he wasn't really in a rush for it. Around that time, we had to settle things with the sale of the house ( I got royally screwed on that) and we texted on and off. In fact, 2 days before he got married, we had phone sex. After that happened, he stopped texting or even answering my texts.
Fast forward about a year or so, and he starts with me again. This time, the idiot that I am, allows him to come over and we have sex. This goes on for a few weeks then bam..... No contact. Don't answer my texts, phone calls nothing. I fall for the trap again about a year later (notice I called myself an idiot. I didn't learn) and then he disappears again. At this point there is no contact, nothing. I belittle myself and text and get no reply.
I'm holding out in faith that he will see the error of his ways, reform his life and come home. He's married to her and I still hold out hope. I'm just posting on this thread because I feel so kindred with all of you. I'm not alone in this and I'm 8 plus years out. Thanks for sharing your stories, it comforts me knowing I have others in the same boat as I am.
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Welcome JBird. While I'm sorry you have gone through so much since 2009 you have certainly landed in a place where we understand and identify with the craziness.
My MLCer became the 5th husband to the OW 18 months after he bomb dropped me. He had virtually no contact at all with me the first 19 months. At month 20 he was forced to have to text me because I gated off my property and he still has a crap ton of stuff here!
Hope you'll stick around and let us get to "know" you. Again, welcome.
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Welcome Jbird! I hope you can find comfort and support from us. Standing or not we all want for the pain to go away!!!
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Wow Jbird, sounds to me you haven't heard the last of him.
Welcome.
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If I could go back to that day he gave me the 45 minutes, I would do it differently.
I feel this is one of the biggest struggles with a vanisher. Since we have so few interactions, we drive ourselves crazy going over and over any small interaction he had and then we beat ourselves up with what we should have said.
I do this all the time.
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Hugs chrisxx
Hugs to u too sweet x
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Thanks for your responses and I too think I haven't heard the last of him.
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And the they pop their ugly faces out and ooooooooooo..... I'd like to punch him..
Learning the communication attempts of the vanisher is interesting.. Who has "appeared" 3 years in, only to s and a 2 hour phone call with me, 2 months ago... I'm in a fully committed relationship with my Duke, so it's not as if I care but it's the approach...
Puffy has decided he wants to play house, with our 22 year old son... Yesterday, they really did it all. Lunch, Home Depot, Christmas tree, lights on his new house, the works... Ok, so what... I'm not greedy with my son, we've long had our own things that we do together, only us and have for years... Puffy has asked for Christmas items that were never his to begin with... And put s up to attempting to negioate a deal???!!!!! For cheap gifts that were given to me by my grandparents decades before he entered our lives... Things he could buy a million times over but no, asks s to ask me... But is screaming, yelling what a fing b I am.... ????
Next up- ow....Ah yes , the married ow with 2 kids.. Who dumped him when he left me, to go back to her h, only to leave him a year later for puffy. Her kids hate him. Shocking, most people do!! It's now ended. She just lived too far away....
It's 45 minutes.....
Yes, ladies, my vanishing ridiculous ex husband left his now ex wife and son for a woman that now just lives too far away....
Now I know..
1. I did the right thing - God never fails!!! When He tells you to let go, you do it and run the opposite direction!!! Harder said than done but the peace and security once it happens is worth it!!
2. Never again... He will not put my son up to anything. Nope, not playing. No, no, nope, nada, not happening. S isn't not the go to fo scoop on me or ways to manipulate s into asking me stuff... What a child!!!!!
3. He's crazy..... And I no longer care!!!
Now the clock ticks till the next 2 years of vanishing..... Wish he'd hurry up, it's embarrassing as hell to be known as his ex wife..... Rrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!! My poor son, he just laughs his a$$ off as his dad's insanity and just goes with the flow.. Love that kid, he's so kind and loving... He so much like me... And that's what monsters love to prey on... He loves his dad so much, in spite of it all, and I totally understand. My sweet daddy is one the greatest men ever!!!
S did say, puffy is very aware that s can and will walk out of his life too, if he treats him like garbage again.. S said puffy lost it on a set of lights and s just looked at him. He knew, s could see it in his eyes..
Grab the wine and pie y'all... Get your stretchy pants ready... Looks like the vanishing marshmellow is up for giving us new material... Lawd help us all!!!!
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It will be bang on 3 1/2 yrs Dec 2 since he ran off, seen him maybe 3/4 times since then after I found out bout ow he vanished then he married it, always complained he had no money (cause he ruined us financially) and of course blamed me for it, but managed to have a 5 star reception at some high end waterfront restaurant, he's now waiting on his half of the settlement to start living, mortgage free, money in the bank, trips overseas and an old hag in tow, meanwhile he has no kids, no morals, no dignity but who cares him travelling with no more money problems and a ow who satisfies him plus thinks he's such a great and funny guy is what makes him happy.
He would still be forging ahead even if my kids and I were living in the st, as he said 'I don't care'
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Chriss, maybe she is paying for everything.
Who cares??
Sad,pathetic woman.
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true Thunder, my daughter told me that apparently he feels really bad that she has a paid off home and he has nothing to offer HER, what about his kids???? so he's taking the money that is 'owed' him to put toward a property so that he can show he's not the loser that he feels nevermind his x family. Meanwhile he's told my daughters school he won't be paying her school fees (5th yr in a row) ::)
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Well Chriss, you can't fix stupid. ::) ::)
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Next up- ow....Ah yes , the married ow with 2 kids.. Who dumped him when he left me, to go back to her h, only to leave him a year later for puffy. Her kids hate him. Shocking, most people do!! It's now ended. She just lived too far away....
It's 45 minutes.....
Thanks for the laugh, MsMed. ;D
The craziness that just never ends......
I'll go look for my stretchy pants. ;)
Good to have an update from you!
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Does anyone feel that their vanishing spouse loves them less than others who have a clinging boomerang or a live-in?
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I feel that I don't think he actually had any love for me , I look upon our marriage and I can't see a time I felt his love for a number of years and very little respect for me . It now feels it was a lie for years , I wonder now if he was cheating for a number of years and this was an exit affair ,,, to hide away from me without wanting any communication, I feel he hates me and always did , so maybe I am better off without him ,, it still sucks to feel so degraded and not good enough ,, how are you supposed to move on when you never felt worthy in the first place ,, it's very hard, xx
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I'm sorry, monty, we all go back and look at the past...but it's important too to not let this crisis rewrite your own reality and it can take a while to get that clear in your mind, IMHO.
I do not doubt that my H truly and deeply loved me until 2015. Not for a moment. I remember his face with love lighting up his eyes. Now? I have no idea if he even thinks of me at all, let alone how. The curse of silence maybe.
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is 'i love u as the mother of my kids' the same as ilybinilwy?? the other freaky thing he would do is hang on the ledge of the bed non stop on the ph, thought he was a teenager always wanted to be out nothing pleased him whinge whinge whinge non stop if you would do something he wanted it was never good enough, he'd complain about that too, blamed me for everything and anything so I stopped givin him the time of day.
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Chriss, I think it is.
Mine never gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, but a few weeks after bd I said I don't understand how you can just stop loving someone.
His answer was...who ever said I don't love you?
I took that to mean..ok, like a sister? Or a cousin. maybe? :(
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Before this mlc, he was so scared I would find someone else and leave HIM now he's done to me what he thought I would do to him, he told a close friend of mine he loves me as the mother of his kids then when she asked him 'is that all'? no response.
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Chris's,
It's the same I wd say. My W gave me the speech and at other times said the like a brother or daddy thing too.
Well I told her I'm not her brother and dam sure not her daddy.
My W also said she didn't understand what being in love meant anymore. She said why can't I just love you, why is that not good enough???
I think they dont know what they really feel ATM. Try not to beleive any of it.
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Does anyone feel that their vanishing spouse loves them less than others who have a clinging boomerang or a live-in?
I did when it first happened.
I don't think that now.
Again, we can't go into their heads and see what they are thinking whether they are on the other side on the country or sitting right next to us.
What we can do however, again whether they are sitting next to us or on the other side on the country, is work on ourselves and then look back to what we had.
Was it good? Not the fake version that they painted or even the glossed over version that we imagined, somewhere in the middle, was it good?
For me, I also had to separate the fear of change that I had at the time. Was I so broken b/c I had so much love for him OR was I afraid of change, afraid of abandonment, afraid of what other's would think? That was all mixed in too for why I believe I wanted him back so bad.
So, after I worked though all my issues (which took a long time) I again, revisited whether or not our marriage was as bad as he had painted.
I believe it wasn't perfect but it certainly didn't deserve a "mic drop" and I believe we could have worked through both of our issues and had an even better marriage, but the past can't be changed now.
I know it seems I'm going a little off the topic but the point is not whether they are a vanisher, boomerang or a clinger, IMO I believe what matters is what the marriage was like before BD. I don't know what exactly happened, if it was some kind of medical issue or if he just plain old didn't want to adult anymore but I don't think the "type" of MLCer has anything to do with if they loved us more or less before they changed, I think the type of MLCer just has to do with their own personal way of coping or more appropriately lack of coping skills.
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Chris's,
It's the same I wd say. My W gave me the speech and at other times said the like a brother or daddy thing too.
Well I told her I'm not her brother and dam sure not her daddy.
My W also said she didn't understand what being in love meant anymore. She said why can't I just love you, why is that not good enough???
I think they dont know what they really feel ATM. Try not to beleive any of it.
Hm, he did tell me that he has no feelings inside him that he feels numb void of feelings, I thought it was a cop out. So then my question is how can they feel nothing and jump into another relationship???
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Chriss
I think they dont have any feelings atm. For us or anybody else . I think that's main reason for other person. They are searching for feelings but they dont find it with OP either.
My W told me rt after BD time that not one time with OM did she reach climax with him ( I hope that's not too much info) just trying too explain.
Now my W might have said that just too try make me feel better but I don't think so. I read stories with men too, they need help from pills to even do it, and they didn't have that problem with their W before.
So just my opinion if there was true feelings and live there, that we not be a problem.
I think their just searching for it but they dont find it. Still sad and it sucks for us as LBS, but we still have feeling that our spouse did live us and was IN LOVE. Anditnwill return one day, just my opinion.
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So then my question is how can they feel nothing and jump into another relationship???
They aren't happy with themselves but also, they are afraid to be alone.
Also, most of the time, they don't jump into another relationship, most MLCers don't jump until they have a pillow to land on.
That's how most of these relationships begin....
They look into the mirror and see an old man and wonder why they have been working their whole life but never seem to have what they want (the unsatisfiable mind).
They try changing the outside, (ex, new clothes, new car, gym, etc) but that doesn't work.
They start to wonder and then obsess if life would be better if they had a change.... the grass is greener syndrome.
Then either a coworker, or an old flame, or just some on-line fantasy gives them a little attention, or they purposely go out and seek that attention... just a taste at first to boost their ego.
Then it escalates and they have to make a decision or the decision is forced on them either by the other woman or the spouse finds out on her own.
Bam.....
If it was really about our marriage they should have come to us. We could have spent some time turning over every rock on how to fix our marriage BEFORE they moved on to another relationship.
but.... that's why we are all here right? .... because none of this crap makes sense to a normal person.
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The X married the op HM, I don't think I could ever bring my self to look at him, let alone let him back into my life.
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Apparently he was introduced to morgana after BD, rolls eyes, whatever! he's stewing in his own $h!te, good riddance.
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Chriss
I think some are more high energy and just A may not be enough searching for them to figure it out. My W was with a married man and he went back too his W. My W snooped on my phone and found messages from OM too me where he said he didn't live my W, he was just using her for sex and too see if he really still loved his W. So Chriss I think that had a huge impact on my W. She seen he didn't give a $h!te and after that is when she went into a wallowing depression for months. Probably not for me but for her seeing her OM was not her knight in shinning armour but just SPOS.
But if things were different and OM wd have played the game longer, my W cd have very well married his sorry ass.
She did mention one time how he was the one, yeah right.
But I do understand what you mean if you even want him back.
I think that decision is all ours. An A, marriage or just EA, it's our choice if we want them or not. None of this is easy, dam I still struggle , but it's our choice what we do with our life, not MLCer.
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The X married the op HM, I don't think I could ever bring my self to look at him, let alone let him back into my life.
That's why many of us often say that the LBS gets to choose how this story will end.
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Seriously, how could anyone ever let someone like that back into their life after all that destruction???? never to be trusted again, and how could they even think its possible let alone try and weave their way back in? NOT a fat chance! enjoy your sorry life without your kids Mr.
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Chriss
Please don't take my opinions as bad. I don't mean them to be. My W has never left home. I don't think there is any comparison really to my journey as yours. Some say its harder to live with a live in MLCer than for them to leave. Well I'm totally opposite. I think them leaving and if they do marry is way worse than mine.
If my W wd have left Inwd have probably crumbled up.
Just giving an opinion and I hope I didn't make light of ur situation cause didnt mean too in anyway.
But I still beleive and agree with Nah, in the end we will have the final decision and the last laugh so too speak.
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NO WAY HM! u didn't offend me I welcome any sort of advice, for sure them marrying the op is gut wrenching I know in time I will heal and completely move on (like he told me to) and I will never look back. I don't think anyone who causes that much pain especially to their covenant spouse gets away with it, it will catch up with him in the end.
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why does the ow feel fret tend about us when you find then in a car park or unblock the ex mother in law on Facebook for her to see ,, why do they do that if the man you knew hasn't spoken or reached out to u in that time does these things ,,,why??? They got the man , wots wrong with them???
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I mean I know my husband is gone ,, so why is the other women unblocking my mother from Facebook, when she has got what she has wanted???
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They aren't happy with themselves but also, they are afraid to be alone.
Also, most of the time, they don't jump into another relationship, most MLCers don't jump until they have a pillow to land on.
That's how most of these relationships begin....
They look into the mirror and see an old man and wonder why they have been working their whole life but never seem to have what they want (the unsatisfiable mind).
They try changing the outside, (ex, new clothes, new car, gym, etc) but that doesn't work.
They start to wonder and then obsess if life would be better if they had a change.... the grass is greener syndrome.
Then either a coworker, or an old flame, or just some on-line fantasy gives them a little attention, or they purposely go out and seek that attention... just a taste at first to boost their ego.
Then it escalates and they have to make a decision or the decision is forced on them either by the other woman or the spouse finds out on her own.
Bam.....
If it was really about our marriage they should have come to us. We could have spent some time turning over every rock on how to fix our marriage BEFORE they moved on to another relationship.
but.... that's why we are all here right? .... because none of this crap makes sense to a normal person.
Describes my H to a T!! I asked him to leave because he was drinking A LOT and monstering all over the place. I did not want my kids to be around it. OW apparently thought that was her chance to reel him and they became closer, now they live together when she blows through town on her school breaks. I sometimes wonder if I pushed them together, but at the same time, me and the kids didn't need the verbal abuse spewed our way and I am not going to be disrespected with him canoodling another woman while living with me.
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I mean I know my husband is gone ,, so why is the other women unblocking my mother from Facebook, when she has got what she has wanted???
To stir up sh!t.
Ignore her. Nothing drives them insane more than being ignored.
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https://www.midlifebachelor.com/askmlb/midlife-crisis-affair-ends-in-unhappiness.html
Good to know all is not well and doesn't end well (for them)
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Ultimately, it’s really sad. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing I’d crushed so many people. :-\
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Ultimately, it’s really sad. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing I’d crushed so many people. :-\
My oldest daughter who is 25 told me that when she last saw him at a local shopping centre she went up to him she said he acted like he had only seen her 5 mins before (hasn't seen her in 3 yrs) and just thought everything was funny, he also had that stupid smirk on his face, how can anyone think the destruction and hurt they have caused their own family is funny?? anyway she told me that he's actually insane and that he's just a shell.
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I have had my husband be a clinging boomerang, then a vanisher, then a clinger and now I am dead to him again.
I don't know which has been worse. Either one has come with its own struggles and both have come with extreme pain and destruction to not only myself but to our children.
This latest round of "vanishing" has been going on for a year and half or more. He is in contact with one child. His latest OW has "saved" him. She is pushing for him to reconnect with the other two children as she is wanting to be seen as the one who reunites them. Plus she is embarassed that they have been dating for almost 2 years now and she still has not met his children (all young adults).
I find for me personally, the treatment of being dead to him as my own personal hell. It bothers me more than when he came in and out of our lives at his own will. (and that drove me crazy too.). I am not sure what is with the silence that bothers me so much. I have tried to process that to see why.
i have been at this for over 5 years now. It doesn't hurt as bad as it once did. But it still hurts. The sense of rejection, abandonment and disrespect still has its way of finding its home within me. I can't understand for the life of my how a man that loved me, his family has done this.
The interesting note is how he has changed. With me, he was a family man. His family was number 1. We did everything together and it was all based around our family.
With the OW1, he hid his life and was a wild party/bad boy. He got into drugs and parties. Got a tattoo, took up guitar lessons, flashy sportscar. Life was just a party. He looked miserable (when we saw him.I am sure it was a method of self protection of some sort or we brought out his pain/shame when he saw us ). He gained weight. He dressed weird. Always had a sun tan but lied and said it was his natural color. Blew all our money.
OW2 - she runs in a circle where money is the key. He is skinny,pale as can be. Thinks he is a big shot in the world. New flashy car but more something we would own - more family like. Non stop going to gala events to be seen. Life is still a party but now he is the high priced business executive. With this one he is travelling non stop. According to some people who have run into him, he seems not miserable.
So in 5 years, he has changed his persona to be whatever it needs to be. Is it for the OW? I read about narcissistic personalities and how they morph into who they think they should be to connect with their latest love interest.
Is that why they vanish so the truth about them does not come out. So that one does not call them out for playing a role?
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Is that why they vanish so the truth about them does not come out. So that one does not call them out for playing a role?
My best guess from putting together what came out of the mouth of The Leaver himself:
When asked from a good friend why The Leaver would move in with the girl after he said she was controlling and difficult, "I don't like to be alone"
Two years later while he was explaining why I needed to accept that he was different now (even though we hadn't talked in years), "I'm only happy when I'm alone in the woods with my dogs"
So I believe they vanish and hook up with someone who will accept anything is their way of being alone without really being alone.
Depressed people often describe feeling alone even when in a crowded room. Easier to do with an other woman so they can change their personality without being noticed, they can't do that with us.
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I believe that is when he became a vanisher when he knew that he was definitaly not going to be alone.
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I think they run and find new scaffolding, a new picture of themselves with OW/OM as a mirror and no-one to point out, like the Emperor's New Clothes fairy tale, that they are actually (metaphorically) naked ;D
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I think they vanish because they think they are too good for the old life. It’s a quest to be the stud they want or imagine themselves to be. In the new person they get involved with they can be new persona without questions. No accountability. In mine’s case I think he was looking to find a drinking partner. No fun to drink alone. Getting drunk and being a big spender made him feel like a big shot.
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I have struggled more internally with the vanishing than I did his coming and going. What you said Shocked hit home in the sense that I often wonder why I was not good enough.
And maybe it was that simple, he thought he was too good.
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Please don't be fooled with the we were not good enough monkey braining.
They left bc they were looking for someone worse than themselves.
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I understand all that Nah but even to the point of marrying an ugly troll?? to the point of not caring if they never see or speak to their kids again?
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Please don't be fooled with the we were not good enough monkey braining.
They left bc they were looking for someone worse than themselves.
Well HE told me i 'deserve better' and bloody oath I DO!
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When people say he left you. He moved on. He is happy...
I smile, I nod. or I just stare blankly thinking to myself "I hope you never have to walk this path."
If he did just leave me and move on and is happy (which I actually believe they have to be on some level to continue this life like they do), then why did he abandon his children in every sense of the word.
This is not normal behaviour. If I bring it up to these well meaning people and their comments, they usually stare wide eyed back at me, not knowing how to answer. Because no man or woman with a good heart or sane mind destroys their children in their own quest for happiness. Most people want better for their children than they had. I know mine did before he ran away and hid his life for years .
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LWH
I agree with everything you have said, X justifies his actions by telling everyone the kids are old enough, has no contact with them because they won't accept his new 'wifey'
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When people say he left you. He moved on. He is happy...
I smile, I nod. or I just stare blankly thinking to myself "I hope you never have to walk this path."
If he did just leave me and move on and is happy (which I actually believe they have to be on some level to continue this life like they do), then why did he abandon his children in every sense of the word.
This is not normal behaviour. If I bring it up to these well meaning people and their comments, they usually stare wide eyed back at me, not knowing how to answer. Because no man or woman with a good heart or sane mind destroys their children in their own quest for happiness. Most people want better for their children than they had. I know mine did before he ran away and hid his life for years .
The "not normal" behavior is what people in real life have a hard time trying to explain away. Good point, LWH.
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I think it helps to hang on to your own sense of what was normal for your spouse, and is normal for normal people...no matter what others say...because we often see the WTF when others see the mask. Doesn't change it but protects our own sanity really.
Read somewhere that humans essentially act from either love or fear. Vanishers are driven by fear, I think. They run because it's better than facing themselves and they invest in a new 'happy' life to help that make sense. Maybe the more bits of their old life that exist in the new one threaten that strategy? Maybe it's just hard to accept that 'yes, you are actually now a man who abandoned his children and wife and obligations', so it is easier to pretend if you don't see any of them?
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Hello, I was reading this, and first time in a year I thought, I just must write. Sorry, English is not my language, I cant write correctly. I am from East Europe and and got vanisher too. All things are absolutely same (exept languags) - I want new life, OW 20 years younger etc. We lived 22 happy years, 3 kids, 2.cats, 2 dogs, big house. Then his mother get cancer about 3 years ago and died 1 ,5 years ago. All the time was very difficult, my h was very worried and mean to me. After mother died in august 2016, he lived like stranger at home-very little talking, no time together, until 15.ocotber, when I got all the same speech. Then I tryed to cope with it, but he monstered so badly, and I asked him to leave in December 2016. He packed some clothes and disappeared. My country and espessily town are so small, literally everybody knows eachother, but my friends and family- nobody have seen him a year. First two months he did not contact our younger son (14) who lives with me, then he started to meet him once in a week, about 20 minuts. Thats get better, now he even calls him( a minut or so). I havent seen him a year, exept one time inJuly, he was with a girl, and came to me and shouted to me. That she is my new lifepartner, why you do not understand it, I just run away... and my nice saw them kissing (50 years old director of company!) like teenagers in openair concert! Thats all-no more contact to me-no email, call, nothing. I just wanted you all to know, that it happened ablolutely the same way here to-the words, behavior, everything is same! Thank you all, I read here all the time, the Vanisher -stories are exactly like mine.
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Welcome, kasss.
Sorry you are going through this, but you sure landed in a great place for support, encouragement and wisdom.
Glad our "vanisher" thread has been helpful to you. You are also welcome to post your story on our community page so others can welcome you and offer support.
I hope you'll continue to post. Your English is just fine! :)
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Welcome kassss , I'm also a newbie to this thread but been at this since 2014 . I'm like you didn't write for ages until I felt I needed tooxx
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Words from my vanisher... I think he has it backwards. Right now he is going the easy route.
As difficult as it has been I think that I was being honest with my self and you. I feel bad from the fall out of it a lot but I always go back to that. Being honest with my self and doing what I think is right. Instead of what is easy.
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Thank You for welcoming me, I just wanted some support, because nobody here does not understand my situation. They tell me to go on with my life and forget this bad man and his bad behavior. But I think that somthing is very wrong with him, I consulted with psychiatrist (to get some ad for myself) who knows my husband too, and she told me absolutely the same-about brain chemistry, like in teenage kids. My husband told to my 14 years old son, that “happyness is in your head, you must not live in past, but move on with your life “! It is so wrong, he never talked like this, it is like somebody else is talking. He is (was) very much like “businessman”-no such kind new-age talk, like mathematic and science person, and now this kind of absolutely strange words to his son, cynic I think. He looks like my son sees, like his classmate: pink trousers and polka-dot shirt-50 year old director! I saw him in July, he was big tall men 190 cm, now he is little skinni old gray hear angry man. I just want to know, will it one day end? He has replaced even cat!
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I get told to let go , move on ,no one understands unless they have been through it ,, it's hard , you can't help but talk about them to people, but you can see the look in their faces and know they think your obsessed and can't let go ,, but 26 years of being with someone is a long time to forget .it is unbelievable how they change , but people just think it's the normal behaviour for a cheater that's moved on
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I think this is absolutely no normal, like the other peoples divorces. There is something else going on. I know my husband at year 1987, we live together since 1994. I suppose to know him better than anybody else. But this person is not him, the eyes were like dark dead animal eyes and he told me that he was unhappy for years! I just wonder, where was I then. Now he is totally disappeared from me, he only brings his son from basketball about 15-20 minuts two times in week. He never interested, how we managed, only one time sayd, that if I cannot take care to the dog, I must put him to sleep!! That he told to 14 years old, who loves our old dog all his life! Then I understand, that he is not normal anymore. He has been all life very much “family-man”, everybody sayd, that we are made for eachother. It is so paynful, 06.12 last year I asked him to leave, now it is a year and nothing is better.
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This post has been moved to:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9334.msg634657#msg634657
The subject matter of this thread is : Anyone else have a vanisher.
bvFTD, you have been asked repeatedly. Please be respectful of the mission of Heroes Spouse which is to help people understand Mid Life Crisis.
Thank you
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Whoever removed my comment:
I hope kasss read it before you did so. Something is very wrong with this site if you discourage people from seeiking medical advice.
bv
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I think the biggest challenge with a vanisher is to hang on to your own sanity and sense of reality, as well as dealing with all the practical fallout they have run from. Fight for it hard, and shut down the internal and external voices that try to tell you something different. It's an act of mental discipline really.
1. No, this is NOT normal behaviour for a healthy adult. Do not let anyone tell you it is.
2. You did not imagine your spouse, life, marriage or family. Trust your own memories and judgement.
3. Vanishers run. People run when they are afraid. It isn't your fear to fix. If they do, they will stop running.
4. It is very easy to believe that vanishers love you less, blame you more or have a better shiny new life. See #1...and control the assumptions you make. You don't know but you can choose what to think. It could be just as true that they run to protect you, that they are an invisible hot mess of shame and fear, that they think of you every day, that they are not happy at all but stuck, that they cry every night. Choose to believe what will help you right now.
5. You need to find a way to deal with the practicalities and heal without answers right now. Answers may come in time, but right now keep it simple...they ran, it isn't normal, it isn't about you, you can't fix it because it is their flawed coping strategy, it is as it is right now, you don't know what will happen to them, focus on what you do know and can control. That's enough.
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Well my x married his ow so I don't understand him having guilt fear or shame I just don't get it.
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Chriss - of course you don't, how can you know what is in someone else's head unless they tell you? But you can choose what is in your own and what will serve you as you try to move forward. Your anger is understandable, but unless it is helping you (and sometimes for a short while, anger does help), you need to let it go.
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I know Treasure and I do try, but him marrying this lowlife is a hard pill to swallow, I never want to see him again.
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I get that, Chriss, but the more you focus on it, the more you give them mental real estate in your life. It isn't about letting go or not being angry for their benefit - f**k 'em - it's about you and your family not going down with the crazy ship.
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Yup, every time I catch my mind wandering I pull it back and try and think of something else, the fact that he asks my daughter about ME makes my blood boil my daughter just overrides his questions atm she's ignoring him. He's gotten quite a chunk out of this whole thing (money wise) so once he gets his money him and his ow can start their overseas trips and invest in real estate together they really are pathetic.
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My son noticed one interesting thing: if I am on a very bad mood, my h is in good mood. If I have a very nice and beautiful day, he is like stormy weather. We have not seen now a year (exept 10 minutes in July, when he went to local club with ow and shouted to me). I cannot understand, how our moods are connetcted, we do not have any connection at all. Only connection is our youngest son. He does not go to house, he drops son out 500 m before house, he even does not care about his dog and cats. It is very strange I think...
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Kass I think thats true i don't understand it but I have experienced it before weird!, wonder if the lbs ever crosses their mind, I don't think I cross his mind at all (whats left of it) he has his new bright shiny 'wife' to 'love' now (puke)
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As you all know I moved to CO last month. I wanted to be closer to family, my oldest daughter. Why? because I needed let go of the old R. I am happier here than I was in the marital home but am I completely happy or over my hurt? Not even close but I am not dwelling on it as constantly. In a way I feel I am hiding here and trying to find a new life to go forward in. Sometimes I wonder if that is what my MLCer has been doing. I know he once said to me, with his hand stressfully rubbing his forehead he said “i’ve Changed” meaning he knew his thinking had been greatly altered.
I say this here because I wonder if their vanishing is like my moving. Are they hiding because their thoughts have changed so much and don’t know how to change them back or have found a happier spot from troubled thoughts. Hiding behind an OP, letting OP them “protect” them during their crisis. The OP would definitely not challenge their behavior like we would. Your thoughts?
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What Id like to know is how they treat the OP, must be treating them ok if they're still with them after 4 yrs, and if the mlcr has no emotions or feelings how can they maintain a relationship.
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Chriss,
If you dont think you ever cross his mind, tgen why does he ask your d about you?
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Out of guilt, Blue,
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Maybe, maybe not.
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In any case I don't give a crap about him, time to move on as he told me to.
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Attaching
I don’t have a vanisher, more a distant contacter... but I definitely think he would have vanished if it weren’t for our kids. Much of what I’ve read on this thread resonates with me, more than the boomerang or clinger types. I think he keeps his distance mainly because it protects him from the guilt he feels when he sees me. Not because he loves me any more or less than other MLC types. He is also very in control of his emotions so he would not ever be the type to show the emotional cycling that is actually going on in his head.
I think the biggest challenge with a vanisher is to hang on to your own sanity and sense of reality, as well as dealing with all the practical fallout they have run from. Fight for it hard, and shut down the internal and external voices that try to tell you something different. It's an act of mental discipline really.
1. No, this is NOT normal behaviour for a healthy adult. Do not let anyone tell you it is.
2. You did not imagine your spouse, life, marriage or family. Trust your own memories and judgement.
3. Vanishers run. People run when they are afraid. It isn't your fear to fix. If they do, they will stop running.
4. It is very easy to believe that vanishers love you less, blame you more or have a better shiny new life. See #1...and control the assumptions you make. You don't know but you can choose what to think. It could be just as true that they run to protect you, that they are an invisible hot mess of shame and fear, that they think of you every day, that they are not happy at all but stuck, that they cry every night. Choose to believe what will help you right now.
5. You need to find a way to deal with the practicalities and heal without answers right now. Answers may come in time, but right now keep it simple...they ran, it isn't normal, it isn't about you, you can't fix it because it is their flawed coping strategy, it is as it is right now, you don't know what will happen to them, focus on what you do know and can control. That's enough.
Treasur this is exactly my issue. As soon as he walked out on me after 22 yrs I instinctively knew that there was something wrong with him.. but as time goes by the voices in my head start to doubt and question whether this is really MLC or if he really is just happier in his new life. I have to keep reminding of myself of how this has all gone down, that he really has followed the MLC script, and that he is not acting like a normal adult.
Still, my MLCer hasn’t done alot of crazy. He literally moved 2 suburbs away (10 minutes) and has just carried on as though nothing else has changed. He will not admit OW exists, but I know she does. He has cut contact with anyone who challenges him on his behaviour. If anything he has become more aware of the kids and what is going on in their lives than the previous 18months before BD. After completing avoiding me for first 6 mo, he talks to me but only things do with the kids schedules. Sometimes it’s only through text messages or comes via the kids. That’s when I know he is angry with me... but as I don’t really see him, I know it’s not anything I’ve done... the cycling is just all in his head.
He has told me he ‘feels guilty but that is not any reason to change out circumstance’ and that walking out on us ‘was the most difficult decision of his life’. The day we signed financial separation papers he told me was the saddest day of his life.
Still, I think he truly believes he has made the right choice. He seems to think I’ll be better off without him, and told me ‘I deserve to be happy in all parts of my life’. What I don’t get is the I wasn’t unhappy before he left... but now realise he had been projecting his own unhappiness onto me.
I sometimes wish he would boomerang but I also think if he did it would be much harder to detach.
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Another thing he does when he would occasionally talk with my oldest daughter he would say to her 'your mother the ow' weird I've only ever slept with one man in my life HIM, must be referring to his mother while monstering how does one forgive someone like him?
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Wow Treasur
You summed up what it's like to have a vanisher perfectly. I wanted to pick something out but I agree with every single word you wrote.
We can all go home now. :D
I thought exactly the same, Nah! Thanks Treasur, great post.
Thanks for the thread, Nah!
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And, if it is to continue, it will need to be in a new thread please...
New Thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9644 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9644)