[forthetrees]

I´ve always liked your screen name. Am now realizing that it likely has a connection to the wedding song:(. For me the anniversaries did get easier and I´ve even had years where I did not remember on the day- weird progress of a sort.

Don´t have kids so I don´t know how to factor that in. Since you are 3+ years into this if you started to explore other options it would not be a desperation FOMO move. That said, if you go that route and do fall for someone it would be harsh and cruel to dump them if your wife had a return. So, to avoid destroying someone as you have been, I would only "move on" if you have closed the door the behind you. Opinion of one.

Ballsy of her to rearrange the custody to accommodate her dalliance. Sigh.

Best to you,
FTT

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Moon,

The thing with the kids is... well.... yeah, that is MLC-like but, to be quite honest, I looked at it as a win for me as I got to spend more time with my kids then. In fact, we had a deal that, if one or the other of us were going out when we had the kids, the other "parent" would have first dibs before a babysitter was called. Since my MLC'er was out with her TGF's in the beginning, that meant I got to have my kids more often with me (Yeah me!). Now that they are both older, it isn't so much of an issue.

As far as the FOMO issue of new relationships, that is the WRONG reason to begin looking. That is a rebound relationship looking for a place to happen and the ONLY thing to come out of those kinds of relationships is pain and anguish (been there, done that, got the scars and NO firetrucking T-Shirt!). You need to be right with yourself and happy/content in your own skin, in your own life before even considering a new relationship.... Besides, if one (and this applies not only to LBS's but in general because we humans like to fool ourselves) is actively LOOKING for a relationship, we WILL find it... And we will often ignore or overlook the huge waving red flags because we humans only tend to see what we are looking for, what we want to see..... My personal experience is that when I have STOPPED looking and finally came to peace with the fact I was going to be a single old guy with a dog, that was when I was truly open to a new R that was based on mutual respect, love, and NOT based on "need."

UM

[The Moon’s a balloon]

I´ve always liked your screen name. Am now realizing that it likely has a connection to the wedding song:(.

Thanks FTT.  The moon connection is a bit of a coincidence.  My screen name comes from the title of the autobiography of the late English actor David Niven.  It’s a funny book and I was rereading it in an effort to cheer me up after BD.   

I thought the same thing UM, about seeing more of the kids.  W has already asked again if she can swap an evening she should be having them.  Why she can’t arrange this stuff when I have the girls, but more MLC behaviour I’m guessing, and I get some benefit so I shouldn’t complain.

As for moving on, I get what you’re both saying, but I’m getting to the point now where I do feel increasingly comfortable in the new live and home I’ve built myself.  It would be nice to start to share things again though.  It will be 4 years since BD come the start of next year, but somehow it feels longer, that my previous life is increasingly disappearing into the past, almost like it wasn’t my life at all.
Moon

[HeavenlyFocus]

As for moving on, I get what you’re both saying, but I’m getting to the point now where I do feel increasingly comfortable in the new live and home I’ve built myself.  It would be nice to start to share things again though.  It will be 4 years since BD come the start of next year, but somehow it feels longer, that my previous life is increasingly disappearing into the past, almost like it wasn’t my life at all.
Moon

Hi Moon,

Glad that you are starting to feel comfortable in your new life and home that you have have built for yourself.   I am still new only 1 year in since BD but I at least am now starting to see a new life without my W.   Tough to accept at this point but I have the move forward.  Glad you are enjoying your life.

HF

[PJ Ames]

It would be nice to start to share things again though.

I totally get this. Being happy and healthy is so much better with someone to share it with.

UM is right about the Fear of Missing Out thing. My experience 2 years post-divorce is that a man who has done his work, is self-aware, has a good relationship with his kids and is a good listener is in high demand. If and when you're ready to get back out there, you will have a lot of options.

For me it was hard to simultaneously have the fear of missing out on opportunities and the fear of giving up too soon. In my experience, I'm glad I stayed committed to the marriage until her divorce was final. I feel like "I left it all out on the field" and I feel better about my current relationship because of that.

but somehow it feels longer, that my previous life is increasingly disappearing into the past, almost like it wasn’t my life at all

Sounds to me like you're doing some healing. You're doing really well - keep it up!

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Thanks PJ, thanks HF.
As odd as it sounds, I’m increasingly viewing W’s behaviour with a bemused detachment, especially in relation to her new man.  The other day I was asked in for a cup of tea by W’s mum.  Later her husband (I still get on well with both of them) had a quiet word.  They don’t really like W’s new man, and that had led to some tension between W and her mum, and they were seeing less of her.  Then the other night I went out for a few drinks with a mate whose wife is also a good friend of W’s.  Similar message.  They weren’t seeing as much of W as they didn’t like her new man either.  Her and her new man broke up briefly, and my mate  let it slip to W that ‘thank goodness for that as he’s a bit of a nob’.  Anyway, now they’re back together she sees less of them.  Funny, in a sort of ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ sort of way.  And all, I’m guessing, text book MLC behaviour.  The affair down and distancing themselves from friends and family.   Frankly, I’m happy enough now with my own live, and my relationship with my two daughters, to let her get on with it. 
Moon

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Moon,

Yes, my W also has been distancing her self from close friends and family who wouldn't enable her or agree with her decision.   What's crazy is my W has still kept her relationship with OM secret and it's been over year since I found out about the relationship.   W still has not even admitted it to me.   I can't imagine having a secret life.   Well, all I can do is be happy on my own with my D's and let her get on with it.

I like your description of bemused detachment.   This is where I want to get to when she eventually goes public with any other relationship.  Glad you are doing well with your life and enjoying your kids.

HF

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi HF
W was quite open about her new OM to start off with, then they split up and got back together and she’s been more circumspect about the relationship this time around. 

Just a spot of journalling tonight.  My daughters were with me over the weekend.  The first night W rang about 8pm, wanting to speak to them (we rarely if ever speak, and then only about the girls).  They chatted a while.  Afterwards I asked the girls if they were ok.  It appears W was driving back from dinner with the OM (at 8pm, so an early night).  D10 said that it was odd for mummy to ring but then mummy has been acting oddly recently.  Apparently mummy has told them over lunch that she loved them and they would always be her number one.   I didn’t respond to that, although I was itching to say, they weren’t  number one in her priorities when it came to working on the marriage for their sakes!   Whether this means things aren’t  going smoothly though, with OM, who knows. 

Anyway, over the weekend D7 was noticeably up and down.  Happy one moment, sad and tearful the next.  She couldn’t really explain why.  I suspect the last couple of years have been tougher on her than anyone.  D10 mentioned that she would come into her room at W’s during the night and would ask when daddy would be moving home.  All D10 could say was ‘soon’.  Absolutely heartbreaking- but at least they’re W’s ‘number one’. 
Moon

[The Moon’s a balloon]

So it was D7’s (now D8’s) Birthday last Friday.  She and D10 were with me in the morning before going to W after school.  W has organised a small tea party for D8 and some friends.  It’s the first birthday party for either daughter that I’ve not been to.  Looks like the new OM is there though, helping organise it.  W does send me some pics and thankfully he’s not in them.  Also he, W and my daughters go out for the day the next day to a local theme park.  He appears to make himself scarce pretty sharpish when they get back.   By this point D10 has gotten her results back for her 11+ - she’s passed!   She rang me to let me know (i’m so proud of her).  And then later in the evening I get this text from W:

“I’m very sorry for everything.  I am very proud of [D10] and [D8].  They are both wonderful and the best thing in my life.  I am sorry that I am probably not the best I can be for them.  I am sorry that I have let my feelings about [the school D10 and I went to look at where W went to school herself] affect the way I felt about her looking at it.  Seeing her face today I realise that she deserves to have a much better experience there than I did.”.

She later put this down to her getting emotional over D10 growing up.  All very odd, and another example of her recent rollercoaster behaviour.  First time though she’s offered anything like an apology (other than when I found out about her affair), which might be a breakthrough, of sorts. 
Moon

[UrsaMajor]

She later put this down to her getting emotional over D10 growing up.  All very odd, and another example of her recent rollercoaster behaviour.  First time though she’s offered anything like an apology (other than when I found out about her affair), which might be a breakthrough, of sorts. 
Moon

I don't want to be Donald Downer (Debbie Downer's male counterpart) but ....

"might be a breakthrough of sorts" is sort of like "might win the Lottery" or "might get struck by lightning." Maybe in hindsight you'll see that this was, in fact, something to note but, for now, it is just another one of those WTF things that MLC'ers say/do that means next to nothing.... Once there is consistency over time and actions to back it up, THEN maybe one can say there is progress....

But for now, it is one of those things that goes into the "Well, that was interesting and nice while it lasted" file and, as you very properly noted, all part of the Rollercoaster of emotions.

Good for D10 too! Different School systems so I can't relate to what an 11+ is for a 10-year-old but, having a D10 myself who is now out of primary school and in the Continuing Schools in Germany in 5th grade, the fact that she passed it and you are proud is all I need to know to say "Well Done!"