[KayDee]

Yes, I agree with Treasure - food for thought for the future. Maybe you could host ILs on your home turf, doing something meaningful but separate, that is about your intimate relationships with them. I too felt uneasy for you having to exit like that, and it was obviously emotionally very hard. I have this yearly professional event in my sphere of work that I really don't like, but everyone kinda expects me to attend. To not attend seemed to be a negative sign of something or other. I used to plan another, more interesting thing to do when it came around. Subconsciously at first, then more deliberately. Now no one asks, so I can eat cookies and watch trash TV while its on, if I like.  It took off the pressure all round But top hats off to you E, you did it and you did it with grace.

[UrsaMajor]

As I've said before, I think it's possible that sometimes a MLCer will make a new life that is just 'good enough' that they prefer to continue on with that life rather than go through everything they would have to go through to turn back. If the new life is 'good enough' that they don't hit that rock bottom, it seems possible that they'll just skate along near bottom for a good long while. Sad but, it is what it is.

Isn't THAT the truth... Rather than face the consequences of their actions, do the work they need on themselves, make amends, their shame? guilt?  pride? will leave them accepting their new-found life despite it being much less than what they had expected/hoped/planned for.... They accept "good enough" (wasn't that usually a reason to leave in the first place? "Good enough was no longer enough?") ... Just have to wonder how long it will be before the new "Good Enough" is no longer enough THIS time.... because, until the Mid-Lifer deals with the demons within, they will always be searching or the next "good enough," the next external fix to their internal issues.... But, no matter how far or how fast they run away, there they are... They can't leave themselves behind....

[Evermore]

UM, wanna hear some irony? His motto is: No matter where ya are... there ya are. I am not making that up!

Thank you all for your caring words. I know your advice comes from a caring place.

Believe me, I have thought very carefully about what is best for me and what causes me less damage. I'm not just good friends with my in-laws. Our lives are very entwined (we talk, see each other at least several times a week) and we are closely bonded. My two SILs are closer to me than my 'real' sister. They are 'my people'.

Before each family function I weigh up the cost to benefit ratio of attending. These days I'm happy to wear the cost of a little yuck feeling afterwards in order to receive the joy and bonding I get from attending. I've gotten pretty good at it these days. SIL1 and 2 are always mindful of how I feel about it (they plan around me because they want me there as much as I want to attend)(SIL2 never would have said what she said if she knew I was in the room, and it's not like she was lying, she was just plainly explaining to the arriving couple). I was just a bit surprised at how I felt after this particular function. I hadn't counted on the past history of the place and the obviously waiting 'room for two' tripping me up. Ah well, we live and learn.   

[xyzcf]

Our husbands left us, cheated on us, lied to us and sent us into a crisis of our own.

This is on them, not their family.

Why do we have to lose more than we already have? Your in laws continue to be in your life and they want you in theirs. Although it might be uncomfortable and upsetting, over time you desensitize, because each time you see them together, you face the reality. It’s ok to be sad but you do not have to leave everyone else behind that you love.

Our daughter is coming to visit. Four days. There are two choices. I can have her stay here with me for the whole time and he can join us or I can see her for two days and he can see her for two days.

The next time I will see her is in November.

I will take the four days.

Like you, I think about this each time we get together as a family, for indeed we will always be a family. That has not been erased.

It used to be much harder but over time, I am fine with this.

No need to explain Ever, you are doing what your heart tells you is right for you.

[One day at a time]

Wow Ever, I really applaud you for being so brave and handling the situation so well. The emotions are normal and the situation really warranted them. We are all different and so are our situations. If you get joy and bonding by spending time with your ex ILs, then I can understand why you would like to keep attending. I wouldn't be able for it but then again, my xILs and I were never really close. I only still have a relationship with xSIL (married to xH's brother) but I don't attend any of her family functions. There's been communions, confirmations, etc since xH walked, and even though at the beginning it hurt me to be left out because I miss her girls and xSIL made it clear I was welcome to attend, I felt it wasn't right for me. I eventually stopped going to her house altogether because I couldn't stand having to chit chat with xH's brother like nothing had happened. So our relationship continues but in a different way. She visits me or we meet for food or coffee somewhere and that's how we made it work for us. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as other people here have said, the relationship with your xILs doesn't necessarily have to end but you might want to consider options that limit the effect on you... Or maybe you don't want to change a thing and that's OK.

As for new relationships, well, I'm in one so I guess that shows where I stand on the matter. But my feelings about xH are still rather complicated. I see it as a death of sorts. I still love and miss the person he was, I miss how safe that relationship felt and the innocence of believing that he, the person who I loved and trusted the most, would never hurt me. I think at some point I understood that even if he got over MLC, the damage to that sense of safety and innocence had consequences and changed me as a person. What we had is gone, dead, there's no going back. So at least for me, it felt like keeping the hope of xH coming back was like hoping he would come back from the dead.. And that's the point where I felt I was ready to move on. Nearly 6 years from BD and I see no signs of him leaving the crisis behind, plus he's someone else's H now!!

I think us, LBSs, have this idea in our heads that if the MLCer "comes out of the tunnel", everything will be OK. And yet, story after story of reconnection/reconciliation in this forum show us that that path can be even harder than when MLC kicks off... And that is IF our former spouses finally get to a point where they see what they've done and decide to do something about it... Big IF (at least that's what I see in my case) 

So if a new relationship is what feels right for you now, I'd say go for it. I understand the grief you feel, I have gone through several stages of grief during my new relationship with massive meltdowns during my divorce in December and a lot of apprehension when he travelled with me to my home country. I see it as reminders of the life not chosen.. I always say I'm very happy with my life right now but I was forced to this new life, it was not my choice, I'm just making the most of it. You deserve a good life, it's up to you to decide what that looks like 

[Reinventing]

One day at a time, I kept finding sentences to quote from what you said, well written. Things have irrevocably changed for us. Our mourning that innocence is a big thing.

When I see happy couples, I have to redirect my thoughts when I wonder how many have had affairs. When I see a man in a vanity car, I wonder if they are out on their way to OW. When I read cards that use the word "forever", I say, yeah right, nice concept.

At work, there is a guy that I wondered if his second wife is an OW. And yep, heard how she first got his attention where they both used to work, and it was a total attention grabbing OW first move on a married man. She even supplied a bogus rationale for it that he told as part of his story.

When I finally met her, I smiled and said as I was shaking her hand, "I heard the story on how you got his attention when you both worked at X", and she got a bit defensive and gave the same dumb rationalization for it. Totally went over the guys head that I was calling her out in a socially acceptable way. I have to say that gave me a bit of satisfaction for naming it for what it was--a grab for his attention.

[UrsaMajor]

When I finally met her, I smiled and said as I was shaking her hand, "I heard the story on how you got his attention when you both worked at X", and she got a bit defensive and gave the same dumb rationalization for it. Totally went over the guys head that I was calling her out in a socially acceptable way. I have to say that gave me a bit of satisfaction for naming it for what it was--a grab for his attention.

[MadLuv]

Evermore- I like you am connected with XH family. Specifically his brother. I have known him since he was 14 and he is 50 now. My XH is not in Their lives except a text on holidays, so I am not sure I would be if XH was, but that would not ve by choice. I think as adults we shouldn’t have to choose. XH left. Do they also get to control out relationships with others?  So, you stay when you want, leave when you want, be happy with the time or cry after in sad and awkward moments. You wouldn’t go if you didn’t want to and you wont it you dont

I really hope my XH finds his way and like XYZCF we can do a family dinner here or there. His OW is making that impossible for now. That is my hope. I also agree with ONEDAY that I can’t imagine ever getting back with my XH. I could have handled him leaving, but the lies, betrayal etc. for years changed my feeling of safety with him. I NEVER could have thought, specifically after losing a child that he could put me through so much hurt. I also understand that if you understand it is MLC then you understand it’s not them. I get that. That is why I can forgive enough for friendship.

Again, good for you. For following your heart and also handling that whole situation so well.

[toomanytearss]

Following

[Evermore]

Just a little journaling.

It was 5 years since BD on Saturday. 5 YEARS!!!! I simply can't believe that. And it still all seems just as crazy to me today as it did on that day.

On Saturday I headed to M's house. I've been seeing him since the end of June and things are going very very well. He's a very nice man and not a red flag in sight so far. It feels like I've known him far longer than 2ish months. So weird that it's ONLY been that long. It's like a flip of how I feel about the 5 years! Weird weird weird.

I'm still slowly processing having to 'let go' of my hope at another go at my marriage one day. My head is aware that doing that is necessary however so it will happen. I'm allowing myself to process it in the way I always do these types of things (ride it out, feel the feels, don't suppress my thoughts/feelings, evolve).

At this stage it does feel like a 'done deal' with M, and that this will be long term. It's not that I'm maaadly in love/limerance. We just have so much in common and he ticks all the boxes in what I need in a partner (in general and right now considering my history). We've spoken about how the ending of my marriage was quite different to the ending of his. He's aware that I had hoped to reconnect and reconcile with xH. It all feels very right atm. And as long as it continues to feel that way I will keep heading in that direction.

And speaking of directions, an example of why this feels so right to be heading where I'm heading: on the way to M's house on Saturday (he lives 1 hour 15min from me) at the exact time that BD happened 5 years ago, I came around a corner on a very very windy stretch of road and there were several cars (about 10) stopped and pulled over all with their hazard lights on. A car that had just turned around slowly drove back past me and advised me that there had been a serious accident and that I needed to turn around (found out later motorbike vs ute and rider died at the scene, it had happened minutes before I got there  ).

So I turned around and headed back the way I'd come. I'd gone the 'back way' which meant driving through unfamiliar steep and windy countryside. I called M and told him I wasn't sure of best way to detour through. He was so lovely, googled best route, was concerned I drove safely. Called me back 10 min later to make sure I'd found the right road. It's not that xH wouldn't have done that as well, he would have. It's that he doesn't do that any more. He can hardly answer a text message these days. He is very far away, living the new life he's created. M asks how my day was (line from an Alanis Morisette song) and the reality is, xH might never want to do that again. I still love him. I still miss him. But I will keep heading where I'm heading.   

I had a lovely weekend (except my footy team lost a prelim final grrr). M's son (11) was home and we just hung out, watched the footy (Mal's best mate A and his wife came over), and on the Sunday we made a new veggie patch (including dog-proofing!) in M's backyard (with the help of A). It's all very relaxed and there is no pressure or dramas. Very nice.  Long may it continue.

Re my kidlets, D22 and I went to a 'Paint and Sip' thing on the Friday night (we painted a wave picture along with the instructor and sipped bubbles, very civilised). It was a lot of fun. The results look fabulous far away... but pretty dodgy close up! Hahaha. I posted several pics on FB and xH not only liked the post (as he often does) but each pic (which is a little unusual). As the painting thing was a gift from xH to D22 last year for her BDay I figured he was wanting to convey that he saw we had gone. The next morning D22 and I went and got our nails done together. While we were sitting there I said 'Oh and don't forget to let your Dad know and thank him, he liked all the pics on FB', and she said 'oh yeah he said something about it the other day'. As we'd only gone the night before I was a bit confused and said huh? She said 'when he was on the phone the other day he said 'so... who's the man in the pics with your mum?'. I then realised we had crossed wires and D22 was talking about a post I'd put up when M and I went to the footy last weekend (xH had liked the post which was weird but par for the course these days). There was a very nice pic of the two of us and I'd made it my profile pic (handy way of letting people know without having to let them know). It was quite funny (the mixed up convo) but also weird. D22 and I just both laughed. xH, no matter what he thinks of it all, will have his 'it's all fine' mask firmly in place. It's just how it is now.

D24's other half lost his footy prelim on Saturday so they were a bit sad but they called me on the way home and we had a lovely chat.

Sunday was extra-kid (D22 now 23)'s BDay. I sent her a message in the am and said to let me know when she was up so I could call her. But she called me and she asked where I was (was face-timing and she could see I wasn't at home) so I walked her around the house and introduced her over face-time to M and his son T (and dog Daisy). Afterwards she sent me a message that said: "You look so happy. Happy for you!! You deserve it." I have awesome kids.

Feeling very grateful that 5 years on I'm doing so well and feeling pretty happy with the new life I've carved out. All you folks here had a lot to do with that steady progress. I thank anyone that is reading along (as always).

(Oh oh! For TMT, my mare is due in about 6 weeks! Can't wait to see this foal. Hope it's a cracker).