UrsaMajor - you have a good memory. Yes, S had a "learning experience" with C. Funny you call it that, because last week, my M was fretting over what a mess that all was and unfortunate that S and C aren't friends. And she was upset C has never paid a dime back on the over $7K S put into the place. My response was S has learned from that experience and it was unfortunately an expensive lesson. I am not too sure that settled my M's feelings on that topic, as it is her first born grandchild, and she is insanely protective of him in particular. LOL
Like it or not, as I have certainly found out in my own life with the MLCer, some lessons are expensive. There are many things I would do differently if I could, but it is not possible. I didn't own a crystal ball then or now. Frankly, I was so focused for a long time on Xh and I reconciling and saving the marriage, that I probably would have ignored a crystal ball's forecast anyways. Unfortunately some of life's lessons are painful and in my case were certainly costly. I allowed the finances to get completely blown up. I have accepted that even if I had tried, I might not have been able to completely stop it. I have also accepted and acknowledge my own role and I am paying the price. I have had to rebuild and that is okay.
Along the way there have been little rewards and things I can be proud of. This past weekend, I was very pleased with myself. LOL. I had been promising myself I would get a new bed frame for myself after hitting some goals. It was an expensive endeavor, so I did a load of research and have been putting it off for months, because I wanted solid wood and some other mandates. I have antique furniture in the house as well as newer, but I am fussy about the quality. I tend to invest in things that are going to last a longer time. I finally gave myself permission to splurge when it went on sale and it arrived in two containers. The funny thing was, it had said "some assembly required". I knew that was going to be at least the case due to having to ship it and the side rails, etc would need to be assembled. Turns out, that was not the case. It was a full assembly. Game on. LOL
The instructions said two people should be able to put it together in an hour and a half. I was alone this weekend, and decided to tackle it as far as I could without help. I figured out a way to work around not having that second person and within 2 hours, I had it up and assembled. S came home from helping out a friend, and he started laughing. He knew I had to have taken the boxes apart downstairs and taken up sections by myself. He was very impressed when all was said and done. In part, because with my stubborn streak, I have been known to push the limits. I was more thoughtful about it this time. No need to end up at the doctor with an injury.
That little reward was a big deal for me. It was not about doing it on my own. It was that it has helped push out those residual feelings of Xh telling me I would not be able to be alone in any way.
My reality is this. I can be alone. I can do it on my own or know how to ask for help more than I did in the past. On the flip side of it though is something else. And it is a conversation I had with another LBS friend of mine. She had encountered several women who want no part of having a man in their space. They want companionship but would not want to share any part of their home, etc. This friend was perplexed by this. I laughed and said I don't entirely get it either. It is not a demand either of us have, but we realized we are not possessive of our homes. We like sharing our life and spaces.
What came out of the conversation was that some people don't understand that when for instance she or I say we like our alone time, it doesn't mean all the time. In fact, it is that we don't want a shadow who is constantly around at every moment. We like having things that our significant others have their own things they like to do and don't require us to be there all the time and visa versa. I sometimes need just an hour to myself to decompress or read a book. It isn't a constant daily need.
For me it is very much like when the kids were little. I loved my kids, but there were just times in the day that I needed even half and hour to go for a walk or something. Sometimes I wanted to go to the grocery store and not have extra "helpers" - including Xh. Most times we did those things together and it was nice. We had a routine. But there were just times when I wanted a little bit of time to just be by myself.
I like having someone in "my space". I accepted there were going to be little things that would drive me nuts and conversely, I have things that drive other people crazy. Hence the need for space from one another, but that didn't mean separate rooms. I was allowed to go into the garage and hang out. No one was banned from using my art room. I only ever asked that they respect some of the materials, etc - along the lines of knowing certain brushes had specific uses and needed to be cleaned in a certain manner. Or my fabric scissors were not to be used on paper. Beyond that, it was not uncommon to have my kids working at the drafting table on homework or projects.
That brings me to D.
I am a "Proud Mama". Extremely. This is not small feat, but I am keeping my mouth shut and let D discuss it when she wants to.
When it comes to D and I though. She and I are at a point where she needs to go out on her own. I have realized that I don't have the patience I used to for certain personality traits. Unfortunately for her, she has enough of Xh in her - which is not bad by any stretch of the imagination - that I no longer have the same tolerance for the type A aspects. I was able to handle it with Xh for a long time. I probably would have still tolerated it if he hadn't gone and boarded the MLC Express. I have changed too much. I have accepted that. I need someone who is not as intense as D is all the time. And, I love her with every bit of my being, but we do not make good roommates.
She also needs to spread her wings. For her own self confidence. She and her BF have been together for 6 years and are talking about a future together. They are well suited, and I do hope it works out for them. D is at that point where she too needs her own space to grow. She knows she can come home and I am not renovating her room and making it into a walk in closet for my shoes (her joke) - and no, it is not that bad - I am able to keep my things in my closet and dresser just fine. LOL
Each day she seems more and more sure of her decision. She shared the news with the person who has been in her corner for so very long and who has been a father figure to her in many ways - the physical therapist she sees. His wife was so thrilled and made sure he was there when D shared the news. He told her that he was not surprised by the acceptance and he knows it is a top school. He reminded her that anything she needs, be it advice or clinical work, etc, to just reach out. He has a place for her and also has many contacts he is willing to allow her to use. I think that helped D feel even more confident about her choice. He also told her that no time was ever going to feel "right" completely and it was okay to have questions or fears along the way. It is a matter of weighing those feelings against your gut and of course some solid answers on certain things.
She goes tomorrow for her first "accepted student" tour. She is preparing for several other types of visits and has me promising I will make time to go with her. Tomorrow she is also going to scope out the housing situation and finally agreed with me that she should live on campus at least for the first semester and take that stress off of her plate. Just get her feet wet and figure out the lay of the land before jumping into an apartment. In the meantime, it will give her BF time to search for jobs in that area.
I have off next week and I am looking forward to the break.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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