[truth_seeker]

Be still and be patient.

Hamp

I have to agree with DGU on this.  It's so very hard to do but I believe needed to navigate through the MLC madness.  Do a 180 from what you would've normally done.  Let him pursue.  BELIEVE me your H is thinking about you more than you know. Sometimes we feel we have to do something to shake things up and let them know we're still around but they already know we are.  Stayed has said her H "knew" when she was truly moving on. 

Be STILL and Patient until the right time comes along when your H has progressed through the tunnel.  As RCR has often said Praying is doing something.  Use spiritual warfare to get through to your H.  What could it hurt to try?  Let go and Let God.  If I were in your H's shoes I would be scared sh*tless to be up against God.      That's not a battle I'd participate in as I am certain of the outcome.  my .02

(((HUGS)))

TS

[Trustandlove]

Hamp,

I do know about thinking that the MLCer wishes the LBS were dead.  It would solve all their problems, right?  Well, that right away shows that he IS thinking about you....  and still firmly in the tunnel. 

I've had that, too -- when my good friend suddenly died a few months ago the subject came up, and he said instantly that if I were to suddenly die he would just move right back in without missing a beat.   

Hamp, that all just goes to show that they are deep in it.   And, in their own twisted way, they ARE thinking about us.   Actually, I think they are constantly comparing their OW to us, even if not quite consciously.    They can't get away from it.   The guilt is always there.

Regarding contact; well, for a long time I did the opposite of you, I DID contact him.  All sorts of pretexts, kids, finances, or whatever.....  it didn't solve anything.  The times that I think it was good were when there was a serious situation -- a death, for example.  RCR has a bit on this in her article on the Friendship Balance....   But so much was me just wanting an excuse to hear his voice. 

Is it better to have contact?  Well, I do, and it keeps me in a constant cycle.  I feel relief when each week it's over, then it starts up again as I wonder what will happen next time....  so you have to work harder to detach each time, you have to work harder with the kids each time. 

So healing when he's not around is easier, IMO.  But it's very likely that I'm saying that just because it's the other side of the fence.

There's a lot of opinion on "to contact or not to contact"; it can be OK to contact, to "see where he is"; it's the expectations that do us in.  So if you can call "just to see how he is" and not react to whatever the outcome is, then it's fine.   

I think the reality is that this is hard no matter how you cut it.  Somehow accepting that is part of this process for us.   And even though we know that, it's still hard, it still hurts, it's still upsetting, it's still always there.   

It's a long process, Hamp. 

x

[Ibelieve]

Hi everyone!

I need to read a lot more of this thread, but just wanted to put my .02 in. .Because this subject is one of my biggest issues when
it comes to the OW. It erks me to no end that they just cannot turn the Married person down if it is him who starts it. Or why they would even think about coming on to a married man knowing that others will be so hurt in the process.

I keep telling my H that OW should have turned him down, said no way, how dare you do that to your wife, You are married" I just can't get over this. I blame her so much..
This is a huge thing that weighs me down.. I just CAN'T believe  a woman could do this.. And don't get me started on them being
all sad and crap when the MLCer goes back to his spouse.. waaaaaa.. shut up! Now she  knows exactly how we feel Omg, how
dare she be all sad and crap after what they put us through. I can not wait until My H OW feels like I feel right now... Heartbroken.
Her hurt will never be as bad as mine. I have 23 years on her.

[Foxberry]

Couldn't have put it better myself!  All I got from my H at Easter was "how bad she felt about what she'd done to me" and what a hard life she'd had!!!

Like I care or give a damn!!!!

Love and hugs
Fox xxxx

[Mamma Bear]

 People  ,always remember the MLCer is a teenager brained creature. They really are. We are trapped watching a scarey movie where the action going on is hurting us and we are abandoned and it's NOT about us. OK?
  I believe the OW is a teenager brain as well. My H must seem like the most handsome politest man she has ever slept with. 
 I will continue to impress myself and my kids and my family and friends by accepting he's in a tunnel full of stupidity and nonsense and he'll wake up someday.Time flies." Get the popcorn "as my sister likes to say. Her H came back after 18 mos. Now their M is the BEST> REALLY!!! Think about it their sick R has no chance of making it. they are out of the minds.I know mine is locked in the bathroom eating vicodin and rolaids.For all the uncontained HAPPINESS!!!

[wondering]

I just can't stand that my H's OW has not problem coming up to our Yacht club to sail when she has three clubs right near her. But she drives almost an hour to sail in ours to stick it to me.She has no conscience, no soul and no remorse. Right now she is devastated because he broke it off from her for the third time. She's dropped a lot of weight in the past few weeks...look like the LBS that I'm sure she conciders herself to be. But she is not giving up and it is sucking the life out of me. Who ever thinks it is easier having a clinging boomerang rather than a vanisher...you have no idea the hell we live in. I can't take it much longer.

[Mamma Bear]

 WWD<    I don't know about that. At least w/ a clingy boomeranger you can see the confusion. The cycling. If detached properly it is interesting to watch them pull out all the stops of not wanting to be w/ us but struggling constantly w/ the thoughts of losing us
 Almost a look behind the eyes of panic and desperation. Turmoil.I'm not gonna let my Hs moving crappy furniture out behind my back bother me. It's furniture! His soul is on fire with confusion. Hes in CRISIS. I pull back Pull back Duct tape over mouth. Duct tape around heart.

[NewBeginnings]

I would rather have a clinging boomerang!  My H hasn't even looked back, lives 3 hours away, cut me and his son off financially 5 weeks ago, is trying to starve me and his only child out of our home ect... It can't get any worse.  At least with a clinger, I feel you know they still care and are thinking about you.   We have no contact what so ever and his actions against me and especially his 13 year old son who needs him are dispicable to say the least.  This is a man who was nice to me right up until BD phone call in Feb..  Never saw it coming.  Now he is supporting and living a luxury life with a trailer trash lady who lost custody of her 2 kids.  I just can't figure it out and the pain that me and our son feel every day is overwhelming. 

[Foxberry]

Dear heartbroken,

I'm so, so sorry...I can feel the saddness through your words and understand those feelings so well.  I had a sort of clinging boomerang experience at Easter and either way it sucks! When they're with you, you don't trust them, when they're out of your sight it's worse as you imagine all sorts of things.. NC brings it's own problems too.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss - I know that my H is going on holiday with his "pretend family" to Spain on Saturday and it hurts like hell....I only know that because of emails from OW to H about cancelled flights etc at Easter which I read and asked why OW was asking for money for a cancelled flight? H told me it was a holiday she'd booked - clearly OW didn't cancel the flight, obviously had more faith that my H would go back to her before the end of June.  Makes me feel so sad. 

HB there is pain in this MLC no matter what they do... I am so sorry he is behaving in this monstrous way with you, can you protect yourself legally?  he can't not pay you as you have a young child??  Look after yourself and your Son who needs you...

Sending you lots of ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and love
Fox   xxx

[StandandDeliver]

Hmmm -  I think my touch and goer is the worst (the battle of the MLCer's?).  He lives 2 hours away, I see him but for such short spells he USUALLY pulls off looking happy and great for 10 minutes. I have a reliable source that tells me (without using these words) that he cycles. But when he is down, it is always the job, the stress of working out our D etc, my son misbehaving, the kids being far away. It is NEVER because he made the wrong life choices and is now stuck with an insecure, demanding (unattractive) harpy in the place of his wife with whom he used to have in-depth life discussions and true rapport...

I think they are all just awful actually - there is no "good" MLCer or "easy" MLCer.