[StandandDeliver]

Maybe this is not necessary, but I thought it might benefit those of us who have NO insight (moi), if those further along the process who have seen insights into the OP relationship could post their views on what seems to go on in the OP relationship - so that we can see the similarities in the different situations and can have a sense of what might be going on "behind the scenes" in our own MLCers affair relationship... I know this is not a science and everyone's sitch is slightly different, but I still think it can give us some perspective...

[OldPilot]

Sorry I had to change the title of this thread because they are not insights about ME.

[NewBeginnings]

Great topic.  Well I have only been at this 6 months as BD was 2/25 but H  been at it a lot longer.  I believe he met her at a Pizza place where she worked.  Within a couple of months he hired her at one of the dealerships he runs.  She posted that in Oct. of last year but she also had just opened her FB account so who knows when she really started seeing/working for him.  In Dec. she moved in with him at OUR apt..   He worked out of town during the week.  By Feb. he was ready to abandon us and he did.  I didn't find out about her until the end of April and have continually found out what a horrible person she is.  2 kids, never married, lost custody of her son in her senior year.  Not sure why.  Other baby died.  Been in jail for writing bad checks, tons of traffic violations.  Very bad reputation.  The worst part of all of this to me about her is she moved in with my H months before he left me.  How does any woman do that?  And then of course the other part that really bothers me is that my H is still with her after learning all this info..  I just want to shake him.  He even took her on vacation last week to meet his family.  His mother already new her because she came down and helped the two of them move into a house together the week I got the BD.  Such a nice MIL I had.       So my H has been with her about 1 year and seems to be very happy with her.

NewBeginnings

[Stillpraying]

SD,
I was thinking this just as I logged on and saw your thread!
 
My question is also, how is everyone so sure that the relationship is doomed and that the alienator will become controlling etc?

I've read all the articles and many comments and other web articles.  Whilst I don't want to be a sceptic, I also don't want to be mislead.  I truely no NOTHING about H and the OW.  My kids see her often but all I know is their opinion of her.  Have no idea how H and OW are connecting or not.  Right now all I feel is that I am completely out of his heart.

So how can we be so sure that the relationship is not all roses? and that this will be the same scenario for every one?

[StandandDeliver]

OP - sorry - although that could make for a very intersting thread too! 

[Tiffany Dee]

I too want to know what the OW relationship is like.  I have heard many conflicting reports over the years (i have been at this for nearly 4 years) - Some of the things XH has said

The relationship is easy, no demands on me
Her children are the worst part of the situation
I am addicted to the relationship
I love her and I want to be with her
When I commented that she is devious in some of the things she has done he said I know, I am not stupid

So many more comments but nothing really concrete

What I do know is it is more about how she makes him feel than it is about her.  I also know that no matter what he says or how he acts, he does not look happy, there is no sparkle in his eyes - they look dead.  His eyes are constantly puffy and he looks like he is not getting much sleep.  I see him every day and there isn't a day that I don't think to myself "he really is not looking good"

It will be really interesting to hear if anyone has more insight into the OW relationship - but with all these "cakeeaters" it can only mean that the relationships are not so great - If it was everything they wanted and needed and they were completely fulfilled, they would just dump us and never look back - food for thought

hugs
Tiff

[LisaLives]

There was another thread about this just a little while ago, perhaps OP can link it... 

[Synicca]

I have had the "luxery"  of knowing TO MUCH about my H's and Ow's R...

but I will give my insight on thier sitch, My H met his OW at a bar. He was introduced to him by a friend of hers
(who by the way was having a PA with someone from my H's work as well) 
so obviously no guilt there..

he told me that they have fought from day 4, but that there was "something" keeping him there and he figured
it was the "love" that he felt and it didnt matter that she had/has alot of issues (mental problems) She is a typical
OW, abused, needy, manipulater, you name it!

When he returned from NY back in Nov 10, He said they had fought every other day since they met. and that continues
to today. Their R is doomed because He isnt WELL and SHE is a nut case. LOL!

Hope this helps in some little way

[brokenhearted]

Hi everyone, I was happy to see this topic. I too, though I know I am not supposed to, focus on "them". I too keep questioning what I read that the ow is nothing. She sure seems like something to me. He is traveling with her, doing things for her, seems obsessed with her. I question how this still doesn't lead to real love even if it started out crazy. I have read the articles over and over but seem unable to wrap my head around the fact that her true colors will come out and it will end.
Maybe it is the insecurity I have of not being married to my partner. He is free legally to just move on and never look back and it sure feels like he has.
I don't know who she is, how he met her. He will not say. I just know the fact that he saw her somewhere and desired her cuts deeply.

I think I may have an idea of who she might be from the trail he left on the GPS he returned to me. If so she would be about 18 years younger than him, perhaps a former student, from years ago, was married, thought she still was, though her husband seems to have moved to another city recently. If it is this woman she recently lost about 70 pounds, has all these new glamour shots on facebook. If it is her I don't know what they have in common... Sex, excitement. She just seems so opposite from the man I knew. Writes about drinking, liking her music loud, being a loud person. So opposite of me.
Maybe this is what he always needed. More excitement and fun.
Thank you for letting me post and not judging me and my thoughts re:ow. I really do not interfer  with them at all. I am tempted to check them out but now realize whatever they are doing they will do. Finding out just hurts me. I gave up on facebook also because the comments I read hurt.
 Some included things like "I like you, you like me, who cares about anyone else".
 "Never compare me to her, ever".( Like I am dog meat, what has he said about me that she considers it an insult to be compared to me.)
"I would cuddle all day with you if I could".
 "I was with you all day and I miss you already".
 "I love to kiss, you can kiss me anytime, I wouldn't mind".
 These are grown people talking?
Well thanks for listening. I will wait to read more on the ow/om if those with more experience here are not sick of us newer ones asking the same questions.
2 x4's ok, I have an old house that needs repair and I can use the lumber!
Hugs and blessings.

[Freddygone]

The pattern seems to be the same. Maybe I am wrong but this is what I see from my experience and that of others I know.
They seem to want zero responsibility. Not for other people or spending.
Our relationship was calm and safe. They want conflict, argument, excitement and seem to complain about but relish the stress and drama.
If you are calm, dont react but listen and consider, they dont acknowledge it, but they seem to need this on one hand.
They react badly to boundaries being set, the truth being told, responsibilty for their actions. They dont seem to consider their family, children, loss of reputation or everything that has been worked for. Selfish, yet they always say...I have worked for everyone else, now it is 'my time'. As parents and family, dont we all?
The Other person is a sounding board, agreeing and reinforcing these sentiments. They are often crude, jouvenile, ill mannered , rude, self important and self aware.
The best thing you can do is ignore the Other person, dont acknowledge, dont communicate, give them no importance, they are not important.
To react, communicate or acknowledge simple gives them power.
Take that power away.
They (other person) dont exist.
Be calm, be strong, have your own life.
They both will hate it, but dont let them affect you, take their power away.   Allow this one fact to motivate your calmness and independence.
They will not know how to react, because you cannot cause a fight alone.
They crave attention for their bad behaviour, almost as if any publicity is good publicity.
They crave excitement, dont give it to them. Give them calm, stable , security, but set boundaries they can not cross.
Dont argue, react or discuss, simply listen, learn and find your way.
Remember children with a tantrum, they want firm love and be prepared to walk away from a tantrum.
Be prepared to have your own tantrum if it helps. But let them play their game alone.