[OldPilot]

Merged these topics together.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Brokenhearted, I am sorry to hear about you having to avoid facebook because of what gets posted.  I know how that feels.  Mostly what my H posts is negative venom but I'm suspicious of at least an EA.  When he posts something like how much he would love to get away from here ("here" meaning me), there is one female "friend" I don't know who feels compelled to "Like" those sorts of comments from him.  Might be somethin' goin' on.

For those wondering about the future damage to your children let me say as a daughter of a serial cheater (NOT an MLCer), your S will reap what they sow.  There is no getting around that.  I stopped all contact with my F in 1993.  In 2004 I called him on the phone and spoke about 10 minutes, told him I loved him.  I did that for me, not for him.  My M, on the other hand, gets to be my best pal; she handled herself with honor thru her pain.

[brokenhearted]

Hi Wed2him...crazy isn't it? Seeing some other man or woman write love notes about your partner/spouse.
Sometimes it takes my breath away still.
It is crazy what they write, it is crazy that we look at what we know will hurt us.
I believe that many of us still can't wrap our minds around our spouse/partner with someone else.
Long story I will condense, came by where my partner's dad is in the nursing home. In the back of his truck is a push mower he takes to mow "her" lawn. The man has had quadruple bypass, later 2 separate operations to put stents in after bypass because bypass didn't hold but this "wonderful" ow is allowing him to push a mower around her yard. I want to scream at him, are you crazy,is she crazy letting you/having you mow? What kind of woman would not care, he still has major blockage!  This to him is the The woman who "loves"him? The woman who stays out with him til the bars close?  That is love like he's never felt before?!
She is indeed his drug,even if it means he puts his life at risk!
How she will give up this man doing everything for her,or he will give up his need to be told he is wonderful, to avoid looking at how bad he really feels about himself inside, I also just don't see it happening. They are both getting what they need, they are not going to give it up.
It is hard to walk away. I am trying everyday.
Hugs and blessings to all, well not the ow or om. 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Yeah and it's not just the stupid facebook postings it's the phone conversations they let you "overhear".  Not necessarily to the OP.  In my case, I get to hear my H on calls with buddies (not friends, in my opinion) laughing it up as if he is delighted with them, and all life in general.  They discuss high times and wild living (and I'm not going to go into the details on those; if you have a shred of a sense of decency or morality to you, you'd get dry heaves).  Meanwhile I am left to wonder where my H is and why this knob has been sent to replace him.  Kind of like dropping off your Porsche at the mechanic's, only to be handed the key to... a mule... as your loaner ride.  And so I have learned that your best friend can be an mp3 player.  Truly, it has been a real life-saver because in my situation, Monster's not going ANYWHERE for a good long while.  And you've got to just do like me and avoid facebook and tell friends for goodness sake stop telling me what H is posting!

[Synicca]

I have seen and heard what my H and his OW say to eachother on FB....at first it bothered me.
but now all I see it is EGO stroking...nothing more.

It is like 2 teenagers professing their childish "love" for eachother...total infatuation!!! Ick!

[Thundarr]

The other night I was really irritated, and when my W came over to visit the kids I greeted her at the door with "Hey, what's up Teenage Wife?"  She looked at me puzzled and then laughed and asked if she was dressed like a teenager or something.  No, Honey, you're not tonight.  I shouldn't have done that, should I?

[watching and waiting]

In the early days after BD, my H and OW used to have conversations between themsleves on fb, when they were together in the same room.
Insane............or just proof that they don't really talk to each other.

HUGS
x

[Synicca]

Thundarr,

she laughed didnt she?? dont stress over it

[superdog]

Just wanted to start another discussion about the OP because I firmly believe that this is the worst part and the hardest part for the lbs to get past.

I think that we all go through the feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and have this taunted in our faces to the point where out self esteem has collapsed. All of this is normal but all of this we will get past.

Unfortunately I don't buy into the fact that they are just bandaids they have far too much influence in this to be insignificant however there are a lot of things that have to be remembered at the end of the day in order to truly get past them.

I wanted to pint out a few things for others to think about in order that you can move past all of the above feelings. Don't get me wrong I still have days where I would like to punch her face, but I never would as I am well above that. And also for the record I in no way feel sorry for her, nor do I feel the need to forgive her. That takes effort on my part and she is getting no effort from me.

I met the ow in a bar one night and she ushered me into the toilets because he husband was with her and she was very afraid I would make a scene. I wouldn't but she didn't knew that and I enjoyed her discomfort if I am honest. When we were in there she said lots of things that really gave me her measure. One of the most significant for me was that she said " I have had this done to me" . At no point did she say so sorry I know what it feels like or sorry at all. It essentially like she felt wholly justified.

I replied to her so did she think that made it alright then to do it to someone else. She never even looked at me or replied. She also said that my h had restored her faith in men. I replied really? That's interesting that a man who is cheating on his wife is someone you feel is restoring your faith. Wow you must have met some $h!te men in your time. Again no answer.

After this confrontation she announced publicly at their work how my h told her things that he would never dream of telling his wife. She said this in front of people who she knew would tell me.

What she really meant
So that bar :

This is all about me getting back at the woman who betrayed me and I don't care how this makes you or your family feel, this is about me and my own feelings of inadequacy and poor self esteem.

She really dislikes men for the way they had treated her, it was only the attention that she wanted.

At work. This was about being passive aggressive and announcing how important my h had made her over his own wife. She was therefore number one. Fuelling again her feelings of inadequacy and poor self worth.

She lied to my h telling him that I was making calls to her phone and how afraid she was.

This was again passive aggressive. She was angry at the confrontation and she had to get back t me.
In that confrontation I never raise my voice once. I am much taller than she is and I sat on the sink so that I was not lording over the top of her. She told me h I was right up in her face.

So, my point here in the examples is that this person has all the things that we felt after their discovery. Their feelings about themselves were passed on to us through their actions. Don't allow it !!!!!

This person is significant in the marriage breakdown in my opinion, but 50% only. But they are nothing to worry about, not better than you in any way. In fact they probably will be worse for this experience not better. Don't let that happen to you, you will rise above it and come out on top, because you can sleep soundly knowing that you lived your lives right.

OP is significant in the situation, but not in your life.
So
X

 

[Searching4Answers]

Just wanted to start another discussion about the OP because I firmly believe that this is the worst part and the hardest part for the lbs to get past.

I would agree with this - the OP is the worst part of this.

Unfortunately I don't buy into the fact that they are just bandaids they have far too much influence in this to be insignificant however there are a lot of things that have to be remembered at the end of the day in order to truly get past them.

I do believe that the OP is a symptom of MLC. As I see it, the OP has to have a great deal of influence because the MLCer needs the OP as a mirror. The MLCer gives their power over to the OP in order to use the OP to work through their issues.

Don't get me wrong I still have days where I would like to punch her face, but I never would as I am well above that. And also for the record I in no way feel sorry for her, nor do I feel the need to forgive her. That takes effort on my part and she is getting no effort from me.

Completely agree with you here superdog I have never felt sorry for her or a need to forgive. My H once said (very early on) that I just didn't like her I told him that I didn't have any feelings of like or dislike for her - she meant absolutely nothing to me. I was not going to give up any of my power to the OP.

So, my point here in the examples is that this person has all the things that we felt after their discovery. Their feelings about themselves were passed on to us through their actions. Don't allow it !!!!!

This person is significant in the marriage breakdown in my opinion, but 50% only. But they are nothing to worry about, not better than you in any way. In fact they probably will be worse for this experience not better. Don't let that happen to you, you will rise above it and come out on top, because you can sleep soundly knowing that you lived your lives right.

OP is significant in the situation, but not in your life.

Yes all of those feelings that we experienced early on we overcome but as time goes by the OP has to deal with all of those feelings - they do not overcome them. How can they? They brought this all on them selves.

I don't agree with the OP being 50% responsible for the breakdown of our marriages. Yes the OP has caused damage in our marriages but our spouses are the ones that allowed it. The OP just happened to be in the right place at the right time - if it wasn't this OP it would have been another. The OP that they pick are just as screwed up in the head as the spouse.

You are right in that they will probably be worse for this experience. The MLCer needs a mirror to work out their issues but they also need to destroy that mirror in order to come through the tunnel - this is why in my opinion the MLCer has to find an OP because they don't want to destroy their spouse. The OP is disposable. I think that the MLCer eventually realizes this as they come out of the fog and feels pretty awful about what they did to the OP, which I think makes it hard for them to break from the OP because they feel responsible.