[Trustandlove]

The lighthouse analogy is a good one, AnneJ.

To comment on why we don't see more reconciliations, I think it's also because those who do reconcile in large part get off boards like this.  Now this board is still new and full of people in the early stages so that's part if it here, but my experience on other boards is that people who do reconcile often just want to put boards like this firmly in the past -- it's a reminder of the horror of it all.

Also, because this can take such a long time, those who have been in it for a few years and still not reconciled tend to taper off posting and then not come back if/when a reconciliation has taken place, as places like this then aren't seen as necessary, and besides, they already weaned themselves off.  There are only a few, such as stayed and HB, who come back to help. 

I personally know of a few cases in RL that have reconciled; don't know all the timelines but there are a few 5+ year ones.  That said, I'm sure there are many more where the LBS has closed the door before that amount of time. 

I agree that it is tough work; I can see how far I have come, but also where there is still work to be done.  So, deep breath, keep going.   

[Freddygone]

I don't think we should underestimate how much the MLC is aware of the Stander.
In one way they want to know that you are there.
I believe that when they come out of the tunnel they hope that you are going to be receptive. However at that point they will have realisation of the devastation and hurt that has been caused and will probably NOT expect you to be there. In the opposite situation they would probably not stand.
To a degree this is why I believe we need to be consistant, calm but have boundaries and be firm.
Yes we understand, yes we have felt pain and have maintained stability, but it has to be stated by our firmness that this is unaccepatble and wont be allowed to continue.
This is why I have read here that we should be cautious that it is actually over and that they show all the signs of it being completely over before we can allow our guard to drop.
I think most of us will react to early and maybe have another cycle to deal with.

[Thundarr]

SK, A friend told me a saying a while back that summed up a phenomena I've seen a number of times in my life: 

"Women mourn, men replace."

TMHP

Geez, my W must be right about me lately when she says I'm too much like a woman.  H mourning here.

[wondering]

Maybe the saying should be "LBS's mourn, MLCers replace."

[Anjae]

To comment on why we don't see more reconciliations, I think it's also because those who do reconcile in large part get off boards like this.  Now this board is still new and full of people in the early stages so that's part if it here, but my experience on other boards is that people who do reconcile often just want to put boards like this firmly in the past -- it's a reminder of the horror of it all.

Trust, yes , it makes sense. If one has reconciled most likely will not want to be remembered of all the horror, hurt and hardness.

wondering, I 'm with you, the saying should be "LBS's mourn, MLCers replace."

[Hope for Zen]

Just wanted to offer up a bit of my own back story. 

My H left once before, about 6 or 7 years back.  He was gone nearly a year, during which I had no clue he was cheating.  What snapped him out of it was when I started to heal a bit and told him I wanted to sell the house and move out of state to be with my family.  I was not dating or even threatening to date, but this was a clear 'end' to any future R between us. 

H pannicked, came clean about the affairs, asked forgiveness, and moved home.

FTR, he busted @$$ to be a good H.  For my part I worked hard to forgive and rebuild my trust in him.  BUT, I had NOT learned the lessons needed to have a strong healthy relationship.  Looking back, I can see that I was very early in my healing and detachment when H returned - just barely getting back on my feet again.   

The next few years were honestly great.  We were closer than ever (or so I thought), we even decided to have a child and planned to adopt 2 or 3 more. 

Looking back though, there were many red flags that I missed or in some cases even refused to acknowledge.  My H was still RUNNING from facing the consequences of his actions and struggling to find a balance between who he wanted to be and the shadow RCR talks about in her articles - even years after moving home again. 

I guess my point is that, yes, it can 'work' to shock a cheating spouse into coming back.  Unfortunately I think that if both have not learned and grown from the crisis, you will not be reconciling, merely limping along in the same old broken relationship.  I also happen to think that the stage that the LBS has reached is far more important than where the MLC spouse is at, especially since many (most?) who return are still deeply damaged people.  It seems to me that when/if they try to return, it is at the point of ONLY BEGINING to heal from their crisis, not really at its completion. 

It did occur to me early on that H very well might come back if I went totally dark, cut off all contact, and moved home with our daughter to be with my family.  I chose not to do this because I felt I did not have the right to take D away from her father, despite the fact that he chose to break our family apart. 

Sometimes I do regret my decision to stay, especially after finding out how H had exposed D to his OW from the beginning of his affair.  It it hard to be here with no family of my own.  But, I am convinced that staying to work on myself and to allow D to have the best possible relationship possible with her daddy (given the circumstances) - was the right choice.  If I had left - for a different state or a new R - I would have just been doing my own running. 

I have come to believe that standing is not a tactic to regain my marriage.  It is the space and the time I need to heal.  It is only after healing myself that I can ever hope to have any sort of healthy relationship with anyone in the future. 

And, for the record - I do not measure the success or failure of this site in the admittedly small number of reconciliations.  I see this board as a success each time I read someone post some small step in their their journey to healing, growth, and peace in this madness surrounding us.  There are thousands of these healing steps being taken here every day.  It is amazing and beautiful to see.  It gives me strength when I am spent from dealing with this mess. 

I will now get off my soapbox and go make some coffee. 
((Hugs)) y'all.

- Zen

[limitless]

HFZ,
Your post reminds me why I was drawn to your thread from the first time I ever read any of your posts.

I think you wrote exactly what I believe Standing to be.

At first, like any Newbie, I came to this site in hopes of finding "the way" to regain my lost relationship.  It took many months and much reading to realize and accept that there is no going back.  It took me awhile to accept that my marriage had died.  And, it had died long before BD.

To me, this is what Standing is about.  Learning to heal....learning to live on - in spite of what is going on or not going on with my H.  I have always suspected that my H was a deeply troubled man - although he hid it very well.  I see now that he is severly troubled.  His shadow has plagued him and he has tried to avoid and run away from it for years.  During the time we raised our kids - he busied himself with being a really wonderful Dad - to our girls.  For my Son - it was not the same situation.  Its funny (strange - not HaHa) that we sometimes repeat the errors that our parents made.  My H's father treated my H somewhat harshly - giving him credit for very little.  And, at the same time, my FIL doted on his daughter.  My H did the same thing with our kids.  He completed adored our oldest D, spent the most of his time with our youngest D, while he was tough on our Son.  Trying to make a "man" out of him.  It's funny - my H tried so hard to make a man of our Son - while, in reality, my H was just a scared little boy.  It didn't help that I doted on and babied our Son.  It is just this last year - after his father left - that my Son has begun to start to become a man.  He is, after all, the man of the house now.

I see now that my H is very troubled.  Running, spending....getting himself deeper and deeper in a hole.  And, there is nothing that I can do for him.  It is time for him to face the consequences of his actions....and learn to stand on his own.  He is so very far from that.  He has much to experience and very much to learn.

So, as opposed to the questions that I used to ask 6-10 months ago - questions like "When" and "How" and "Why" - I now know that it isn't important for me to know those answers.  Actually, there are no answers.

Just me and the kids.  He is gone.  He is lost.

Hugs,

Limitless

[Hope for Zen]

L, I always feel like you and I are on a similar LBS timeline. 

When I got to this board I was just starting to move away from 'tactical' standing and starting to stand for myself.  This is a whole new ball game, but I do believe it is a much better path for me, for my daughter, and strangely... even for my H. 

Recently I had a thought that struck me as odd.  I realized a while back that I would be OK if H never came home.  Recently I realized that I might even be OK if he comes home too.  Made me realize that for a while I didn't think I would be able to be OK if he returned. 

Still a long way to go on this journey.  Glad to have you here to share it with.
 

[wondering]

Hope for Zen, Wow..What a great description of the meaning of standing. I love what you wrote:

And, for the record - I do not measure the success or failure of this site in the admittedly small number of reconciliations.  I see this board as a success each time I read someone post some small step in their their journey to healing, growth, and peace in this madness surrounding us.  There are thousands of these healing steps being taken here every day.  It is amazing and beautiful to see.  It gives me strength when I am spent from dealing with this mess. 

This is so important...our journey to wholeness. I going to have to reread this everytime I'm in a slump. Just the other day, I mentioned how I was discouraged at not hearing enough stories of reconciliations on this board. I'm glad I read your post...It helps to refocus. I also believe that when people start to reconcile that they tend to leave the forum. Some will stay to help others, others will want to put some of the pain behind them. It takes special people to stay around to help others because it's hard to read about all the pain. Even myself, only one year into this, can have a hard time reading the extreme pain of a newbies story.
 
Thanks for reminding me of the true purpose of standing. I know no matter what, I am coming out of this a stronger, better person.

[Anjae]

Recently I had a thought that struck me as odd.  I realized a while back that I would be OK if H never came home.  Recently I realized that I might even be OK if he comes home too.  Made me realize that for a while I didn't think I would be able to be OK if he returned. 

Interesting. I've been feeling the same. Just that, if he comes back, will only be taken back without OW on the picture. I've had all the drama of a 3rd person in the equation with OW1.

And yes, I agree that standing is a time for us to heal, and, if possible come out a it a better person.