We're developing two distinct themes here. One is about the causes and nature of MLC, and the other is about (mis)treatment by therapists.
I'll start with the first theme. I must admit I didn't know anything about alpha/ beta/ delta waves, but from what Niek says, high beta waves are caused by stress, but lead to long term imbalance. This gives us further insight on how stress leads to a form of breakdown called burnout, whose symptoms include tiredness, sickness, a sense of failure and self-doubt, detachment, isolation, and a loss of feelings (anhedonia). See
http://www.imfmetal.org/files/stress_english.pdf, or
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm#warningThere are a number of people on this forums who regarded their spouses as workaholics, or highly stressed for long periods, who may have got to the point of burnout. In some cases, the need to work so hard/ a perfectionist drive comes from some much deeper rooted issues in childhood.
Perfectionist workaholics feel valued by what they do, not who they are. However, this only accounts for some of the spouses, not all of them.
There are some who, sadly, my reveal their "true" nature with time, being unable to keep up the mask of respectability any longer. There are genetic and social basis to character, but although some people may have an idea of what is expected of them socially, it takes too much energy to maintain this mask. This may be the case for those who have personality disorders or unresolved issues. Again, this accounts for some of the spouses, not all of them.
I say "true" in inverted commas because research in psychopathology/ neurology indicates that there isn't one true self stable over a life time. The self as we know it is the result of interaction between different areas of the brain. If one area is affected (by lesions, toxins, tumours, illness, hormones etc.) the "self" changes. Our behaviour can change according to what we eat, drink, medications, exercise, as well as thoughts and expectations.
I appreciate that this is a simplified explanation of human behaviour, but I wanted to emphasise that what we call MLC is actually a variety of behaviours with multiple causes. This is important, because some spouses will not return to their previous behaviour, which they were unable to maintain. There have been LBS here who recognise this, and accept that they should not wait. Others are at the beginning of a decline (there are cases of dementia), others show clear signs of developing psychotic behaviours (some of which are treatable, but nothing can be treated against their will). Other are going through trauma (stress), the results of medications, alcohol, or other illness. There are some (not all) who have some deep emotional issues to resolve.
None of this is easy for us. I would suggest that each of us, as much as possible, tries to step back and analyse their own situation as coolly as possible. We all need to protect ourselves, financially, physically and emotionally as much as we can. Most of us go through deep shock. Personally, I find that an intellectual approach calms me, although we are all different. Once we have understood the type of crisis we are facing, we can take our decisions: detach, set firm boundaries and wait, or move on with our lives.
The second issue is about therapists. I was lucky in that my therapist was truly supportive and helped me to reflect on what was going on, but I don't think she always knew what was happening to my H. Her support was for me. I was also lucky to get this as part of the supporting structures of my employer, although this means that if I hadn't clicked with the therapist, I may not have been able to pay for an alternative.
Therapists don't own our lives, cannot tell us what to do or what to think. They are there to support us, although they sometimes have the difficult job of getting us to face and accept something that we don't want to see. At one point, my therapist thought she may have to counsel me to accept my separation from H, and she often warned me not to set my expectations too high. I was also depressed, and on antidepressants, but I just about managed to function. Putting on my own mask for my students and some friends forced me to do this. I was also lucky to have a wide supportive network of friends and family, much more so than my H.
It's important to click with the therapist, but also important to realise that their job is not just to make us feel better (they can't). None of them can solve our problems, only we can do that, but they should be able to help us reflect on our situations without imposing their own agenda. There are different schools of therapy, some who are more directive than others. If you don't gel with your therapist, you need to find one you can trust. That's fundamental!!!
How come therapists do not recognise MLC?
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