[Writingmom]

I think we all feel blind now that we look back and put the pieces together.

My question now is not so much about my exposure to her as it is the overall method to their madness.  In my sich, H and OW have 8 kids together.  They seem to thrive on the appearance of being family folk.  This is bizarre to me, the way that they seek to incorporate the kids into their madness as much as possible. 

I would think that most OW/H or OM/W combos want to be ALONE or out having fun, being free.  This chic is trying to be June Cleaver.  I don't get that.  It's like they are little kids playing family.

I just don't understand what the validation of the kids in the grand scheme of things means to them.  It's weird. 

Don't get me wrong, I've learned (after birth of their baby) that it is a waste of my time to focus on them at all.  I have had to let go completely of what I cannot control.  In doing so, I'm somewhat thankful that they are doing this so that my kids are not mistreated or ignored or neglected. 

Still I find the whole thing very strange and wonder when the Disneyland effect will wear off on them all. 

[stillhere]

It's difficult to balance the MLC and the affair.  My feelings are quite jumbled and difficult to separate.  If anything, I have put the affair in the background. 

Along the lines of the "affection" topic, I have a few questions about what others have experienced during the MLC affair.

Somethings I have been pondering:

Did your S ever apologize for the affair, and if so, when?  Mine has not.  He apologized for the way I found out.

When/if you knew S was going to see the OM/OW how did you respond?  How did you respond when you suspected they were in contact?  I've had a few "free" weeks from the possibility of H seeing the A.  She's been on vacation.  I suspect they were in contact via email or texting though.  The hard part is that H has been more "normal" during this time period.  Laughs and jokes with me, shows caring, etc. 

Did you or spouse tell your children about the affair?  Up to this point I/we have not told our children, but I am beginning to think they have a right to know--no secrets.  They are older teens.  What was the MLCer's reaction to the exposure?  How did the children react?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

My W emotional affair is becoming known throughout our social circles. I have tried to be strong but it hurts. My daughters know something is going on but can't quite put their fingers on it. I have not told them anything. I was texting a female friend, good morning and good night and my wife had a fit. I told her we were just friends but she would have nothing to do with it. Yet, she is writing long love letters to this man in England and he writes to her about how much they love each other and care about each other and I just have to deal with it.

It is very frustrating, but I have a new plan. I am not talking to anyone about this except on this forum. I am not calling or texting anyone. Instead, I am going to go and hang out with my friends (male), study, and work. No more issues. That way there will be nothing for me to worry about or deal with later. Hopefully, she will never discover this forum.

[OldPilot]

Hopefully, she will never discover this forum.

Don't let her use your computer. Log off the website, don't bookmark it. Reset your computers history.
This is what I do. It is like the football coach giving the opposite team the playbook.
It has happened to me and too many other people to mention.

[stillhere]

Hopefully, she will never discover this forum.

Don't let her use your computer. Log off the website, don't bookmark it. Reset your computers history.
This is what I do. It is like the football coach giving the opposite team the playbook.
It has happened to me and too many other people to mention.

Another thing I've learned very quickly is to use private browsing when I log onto this site or others from my home computer.  How you get to private browsing varies between IE, Safari, and FireFox, but it is available on all three.   Remembering to log off is important though.

[LettingGo]

He has not apologized for having the affair but apologizes frequently for "putting you through all of this". He is secretive about his activities, especially now that I know where she lives and works, her name, etc. I'm sure he will never admit having a job in Connecticut from now on, but it's obvious that if he says he working on Long Island, that is close enough for him to either come home, stay in his hotel or drive up to see her. Since he doesn't come home, I assume the worst.

I saw my husband's sexual attraction to me as a way of making the adultery partner crazy. He revealed to me she would throw a fit when she knew he was coming home to see the kids so I have allowed him to come and go as he pleases. Plus, I thought it would be an opportunity to "pave the way" for reconciliation in the future. After all, if I'm not getting "face time" it is easier to forget and demonize me.

Now, after going "dim" he is acting controlling - actually much like his old self - and I'm not so sure I want to be involved with him as long as the affair is going on. It's my new dilemma. I guess I'm only recently getting tuned in to which patterns indicate he is off to see her. He travels for business and she lives a couple of hours away.

My 15 year old son asked me point blank if my husband had cheated on me so I had to answer him honestly. I didn't elaborate and I explained that Dad wasn't in his right mind due to MLC and that I would do everything in my power to keep our family together and that we would be ok no matter what. He admitted he was afraid that he might not be able to love his Dad but I told him to just wait and see. He also said he was angry that I couldn't just make him snap out of it and come home. He said he saw weakness in his Dad and that was disappointing. I told him no matter what, he is NOT the "man of the house" even though some people will tell him that. It is not his job to fill in for my husband. I told my husband my son knew about the affair and he was ashamed but it didn't stop him although I have to believe it will factor in to the desire to dump the OW. My 10 year old daughter does not need to know. She has been told that Daddy doesn't think he loves Mommy, but he's not sure. She does see things on T.V. that she will remark on - some commercial - and she'll say "that's bad... it can make people break up!" I tried to protect my children from this but my son knowing has force/allowed me to seek detachment and stop trying to control the situation.

[Trustandlove]

Ah -- I've never heard of private browsing.  I just log off, clear history, etc.  I use a Mac, and Safari -- what do I click on?

[stillhere]

TandL--I'm not on my mac right now.  I often use FireFox on the Mac, but with Safari I believe you go the "file" area on the toolbar and click private browsing.  I know I found it when I used the Safari help section and searched for private browsing. 

[Trustandlove]

I found it -- it's under the Safari label on the toolbar.  Thanks!

[LifeGoesOn]

My H has not apologized for the A. He's still in it! He has said, "I never meant to hurt you. You are my wife and I hurt you."

He has not recognized that the kids are hurting because of his behavior. His rationalization there is that his parents fought all the time and they should have D'd. It would have made life more peaceful for him and his bro. I replied to that one with: My parents fought all the time and then D'd and still fought. Pre-D was better. AND H and I didn't fight...disagreed yes but fight??? Like abuse each other?? not til monster appeared, and then it was pretty much one-sided.

I started telling the kids 2 years ago, (DS13, DD16, DD19 now) that dad was depressed, like a mental illness like Grandma has, and he needed to work on it by himself. I saw their questions were leading to self-blame, so I did fill them in OW and more info on depression and infidelity. When they saw me not taking responsibility for his behavior, it helped them to not do so.  (I didn't know about MLC) This did not happen right away but over a period of a year where H was back and forth. They have been most hurt by his neglect and focus on OW. It is hard to explain why, if his behavior has nothing to do with them, why does he ignore them. Now, 7 months into this S, their expectations are zero.  They watch ME!