[holdinon2hope]

Its almost like they want it validated by other women..they have us so they know we want them, they just need to know other women want them too.  I was like that at 1 time when my H wasn't showin me enough attentiin, I eent n found it simewhere ekde where i didnt constantly have to ask do I look giid, do u love me, are u happy, ect...  It sucks but there gonna do it no matter if thats akk u tild them 24-7.  Hugs ti u

[holdinon2hope]

Ok, so I read the detaching.  How do u detach when u have kids?  Do u tell the H everything u are goin to do, trip wise?  My H seems to think I need to discuss everything were gonna do if it concerns S11 n us leaving town.  Idk if I like him knowing everytjing were doing...not that its anything bad n he is in no way in harms way n I dint have hum around other ken as i am Standing.  I just don't know how to detach n still have to explain what were doing??  Any advice would be great and appreciated.  Also H is not talking to me now..is this normal that he just quits taljing to me n H says he all of a sudden quit drinking and smoking..is this also notmal?

[panda]

Hi holdinon2hope.
My H is at home and we have children.  The way I approach it is 'H, I am taking the children away on xxxx  - any issues please shout'....or 'parents evening is on xxxx - let me know if you are coming.'  But day trips etc, if he is not around etc, I do not mention.

Re the stopping drinking & smoking - I expect that is a way of getting control in his life...not sure, just my opinion.

[holdinon2hope]

Yea, i can do that..n he has been drinking everyday since he left so it was a shock to hear expecially if its true.  Thanks panda :-) 

[Disneyme]

I have the same problem. Not only do we have three kids, they are in baseball, softball, things at school, etc. we are at everything together. He comes not for his kids, but to show off to his fiends that are the coaches. I am on a baseball trip, on my weekend, and he came. None of Hesse people like me and I am all alone watching him laugh and drink and be the fun one. I sit with no one, wishing I could be a part of everyone with him. They took a group pic and I didn't even bother to get in it. I sit here with tears filling my eyes and have at times gone off to cry and wiped the tears and come back. Ever since I found out about OW he has been nice. Not sure if it's a cocky nice that now he feels surpirior that he is better, or that he wants to show her how he treats me better, or if he's confused. It's hard for me to be nice back and not sure what I am supposed to do. Any advise? Sometimes I think if I just shower him with love, attention, and make him think he is so needed, he will come back to me. I real don't know what he's like with the OW. 
Could I be ll wrong and he will go on with her and be happy because I was just not the right person for him?

[DancingInTheRain]

Disneyme,
I think there's no amount of showering them with love because they don't love themselves so how can they possibly accept true love from someone else. The relationship with OW isn't love, it's infatuation and love.

Plus you'll be trying to interact with someone that you don't even know right now. Remember how once the MLCer starts his journey into the tunnel everything is "opposite day". What was important to him and what he valued pre-MLC is totally different now and I think the LBS will be wasting their time even trying to figure out what is important to their runaway.

Nothing that you do right now is going to "fix" him and make him turn back to you. If he really is in MLC the problem isn't with you and the problem isn't with your marriage. The problem is within him and nothing will change until he's able to resolve those issues.

Stop even worrying about the OW. She is NOTHING but a symptom of the bigger issues going on within him. How can a relationship built on cheating and deceit possibly survive? Sure it may go on for some time, but will it last as long as your relationship with him? Does she have the history with him that you have? Part of the allure, I am convinced, with the OW is that they can re-invent themselves to be whomever they want to be. If it doesn't work out, on to OW2 and re-invent yet again.

Please take good care of yourself. I worry that you are sitting off to the side from everyone else. Surely there must be one person in the crowd that you can bond with. At BD last year I didn't even want to come out of my house because I felt like such a failure. We are NOT failures. We are SURVIVORS!

My son told me last year, soon after BD, that at least he had one stable parent that he could rely on. You need to be that stable parent. Let your MLCer flutter in the wind.

Hugs!
J.

[calamity]

Hi Disneyme,

Next time you are with your h somewhere, make sure you look hot, act like you are having the time of your life, smile & laugh your head off.  I know you don't feel like it, but act!!!  Fake it til you make it.  Yes it is game playing but, you didn't ask to be in this situation so play well.  If nothing else you'll feel better about yourself if he never sees you weak.

[Broken Open]

DancingInTheRain

I have read the articles and I understand the MLC is about them and OW is a bandaid or quick high to feel better about themselves. But mine will be married to her at the end of this month after knowing her less than a year. He loooooooves her like he's "never loved anyone else".  Now what?  If she is a bandaid when will he realize this is about him?

BO. (Wow, I like that signature). 

[Anjae]

Now what?  If she is a bandaid when will he realize this is about him?

That is what we all would like to know about our MLCers. Some MLCers jump from OW/OM to OW/OM, some change their behaviour, others stick in the same path for ages.

It can take a while until he founds it is him. Before he realises that he needs to use every other avenue.

[Broken Open]

Thanks AnneJ

Mine seems to have found just one and stuck with her as his "soulmate".  Maybe she is....who knows  . Once they are married I don't think he'll ever turn back. As everyone one here knows first hand, it's just hard not to take it personally and feel discarded like you didn't matter.