[DaRealist]

toughtimes and honour,

Thanks so much for that perspective!  It's really hard to get people to understand this and you hit it on the nail.  I'm not crazy.  This is abuse even if it looks like she's a sweet mom that cares about her children and wants to attend church. 

You being embarrassed it what you may have to get passed..I assume everyone knows the divorce happened and if she's "acting out" it just makes HER look ridiculous. Ignore her and this..no audience no behavior she may become bored and just stop.

This is what is so embarrassing...  We're not divorced yet!  She hasn't even filed.  She's never told me she is going by her maiden name, she just changed her facebook username and email address without ever saying anything. 

She came to Sunday School this week and sat beside me.  The lesson was about forgiveness, how marriage is a covenant with GOD and how sin carries consequences.  She was asked to pray to close out the class and she sounded so good I actually said a silent prayer to God thanking him for making changes in her heart.  Five mins after class, a fellow student that didn't know her asked for her name and when she responded he looked at me and asked, "Is she your better half?".  I said, "Yes" and she turned around and said loudly, "We're EXES.  We decided to be exes!"  I said, "No, WE didn't decide that."  She said, "Well I decided it then."  Then she chased me down the stairs talking about some separation agreement she hasn't even finalized yet.

She usually goes home after Sunday School but this time she stays for service.  So she waits with the kids and I in the vestibule.  We all go in and she follows me inside.   When I reach the pew, I open up and let the kids in and then let her in thinking she wanted to sit with us.  She sighed loud and rolled her eyes like she didn't want to be there.  So I said "You don't have to sit with us!"  She walks over both children and sits so far away from me I needed binoculars to see her.

The next day she says she's gonna see her lawyer to finalize the separation agreement this Friday.  Never mind that she won't pay her bills...obviously paying a lawyer is more important right now.

[in it]

She's still responsible for herself regardless..try not to let her behavior be a reflection on you!

 She's much like a misbehaved teen-ager. She's responsible for her own behavior.

Don't engage her in front of other people or answer what she says..change the subject.

just my 2 cents

[toughtimes]

Sounds like a regressed MLCer to me! Teenage anger all spewing out in public with no awareness of herself and how she appears to others. This is a poor reflection on her and given the sermon you would think she would restrain herself, but this shows shes in a mlc fog. So sorry you have to deal with this.

[Medusa]

Equally important, I recognize the strange dance that occurs in a co-dependent relationship as both parties work to maintain the status quo. I'm changing the dance steps. He can try and keep up if he wants. What matters, though, is that I now can identify how he's pushing my buttons and, thus, can react with knowledge instead of pure emotion.

Is this why it feels like my W's goal in life is to torture me?   I really don't understand the co-dependency angle.  She already has my attention, why continue to push my buttons (torture me)?  When I pursued, she tortured me.  Now that I'm distancing, she is following me around to torture me.  What is her goal?  Did the book explain this?  I want her to leave me alone, but she won't.  She won't stop texting, she follows me to church every Sunday, she keeps the children on the phone with her when they're with me, etc...  Is this her strange way of showing that she still loves me?

In a co-dependent relationship, the co-dependent individual (it gets really screwed up when both are!) will do things to try to get the other person to behave in a certain way. For example, in my relationship, I went through this horrible period of utter fury for what he'd done. I KNEW I was supposed to detach and I tried very hard to be successful, but every time he'd come around, I'd start in on the R discussion (while my head was telling me to STFU), I'd end up crying and making him feel even more guilty, he'd leave to be with OW which increased my fury and a few times resulted in what I call "vile texting". Rinse and repeat. My co-dependence meant that I needed to feel like I was a worthless martyr. So basically, I was sabotaging my efforts to make darn sure I was going to stay in Martyr-land.

Conversely, H is a co-dependent fixer who firmly believes he is responsible for everyone else. So he (rightly) feels guilt for what he's doing to me and his family. But he also feels guilt for what he's doing to OW (he has told me this). In order to continue hating himself, he continues to string two women along and then wallow in his guilt. When we have R discussions, he is certain to throw out one thing: that because we had intimacy problems, he prayed to God for his Pen!$ to break. The implication is that it was my fault. The result, until recently, has been--you guessed it--me in tears.

I'm not saying that he can help this, by the way. One thing I learned from the book is that with many co-dependents, they eventually reach a point of critical mass where they are essentially forced to change. I see that clearly in H, and the fact that he's having the pleasure of living an MLC actually forced my own critical mass and, thus, is forcing me to change.

I hope this makes sense and helps.

[DaRealist]

No, that really helps, Medusa.  I guess I'm trying to find the balance here.  There has to be some co-dependence when you're not only married, but best friends.  I understand the need to change behaviors to become a better person.  I have and will continue to do so.  But I enjoy hanging out with my wife/partner/girlfriend.  I enjoy dining out.  I enjoy reading books together and then discussing our thoughts.  I enjoy talking on the phone half the night if we're apart.  I enjoy late night conversations while listening to the quiet storm.  I just enjoy being with that other person.  All the time, to be honest.

Does this make me co-dependent and is this a bad thing?

[DaRealist]

Sounds like a regressed MLCer to me! Teenage anger all spewing out in public with no awareness of herself and how she appears to others. This is a poor reflection on her and given the sermon you would think she would restrain herself, but this shows shes in a mlc fog. So sorry you have to deal with this.

This may seem crazy, but I needed this reminder.  My mind plays tricks on me too.  Am I crazy or is she crazy?  She stashed cash behind my back, was secretive, abusive and abandoned me before she moved out.  I still have to pinch and ask myself do I even know what normal is.  The stuff I'm seeing from my W can't be explained or understood.  It makes me think I'm the one that needs to be locked in a padded cell until I realize that being faithful, raising your children, paying bills in a timely fashion and having the sense not to mock God in His place of worship is no longer the norm.

So it helps me when someone else reminds me..."your W is in a fog and is not thinking rationally."  BD was a year ago and I still need this reminder.  I guess there's some part of me resisting the obvious here.  Like Neo unable to accept the "real world" after taking the red pill.

[Albatross]

This may seem crazy, but I needed this reminder.  My mind plays tricks on me too.  Am I crazy or is she crazy?  She stashed cash behind my back, was secretive, abusive and abandoned me before she moved out.  I still have to pinch and ask myself do I even know what normal is.  The stuff I'm seeing from my W can't be explained or understood.  It makes me think I'm the one that needs to be locked in a padded cell until I realize that being faithful, raising your children, paying bills in a timely fashion and having the sense not to mock God in His place of worship is no longer the norm.

So it helps me when someone else reminds me..."your W is in a fog and is not thinking rationally."  BD was a year ago and I still need this reminder.  I guess there's some part of me resisting the obvious here.  Like Neo unable to accept the "real world" after taking the red pill.

You are sane one who try to understand "insane" one. So, to understand  insane one You have to become insane one. Even in such a case I am not sure that You will be able to do. They try to understand self, but they can't.

And that is great metaphor about Neo. Neo is awakened. Our MLCers still live in Matrix.

[lostinpgh]

Great article! Thanks for sharing!  This describes my H in almost every way and it's scary!
Before my H moved away, he told me that he did realize that he had a problem and said he wanted to work on himself. 
I also think theres an OW involved in my case too, but he won't admit it. 

[toughtimes]

lostinpgh my H said a similar thing, he said ufcked up when he met me and he thought he had fixed himself during our R but he had fixed himself wrong because he had fixed himself within the sphere of this ufcked up R and so now he had to go away, lick his wounds and fix himself properly! It was mind boggling, he told me I was ufcked up when we met too and that I had never fixed myself. So much fixing seemed to be required!

I suggested we work on ourselves and thus work on our marriage. He said he had to go and fix himself alone ... turns out he had ow to go and fix himself with!

DaRealist you are not insane and your description of wanting to spend quality time with your wife is lovely. It's not codependent, I think if you were changing your life or neglecting aspects of yourself so that you could be with her or please her then that may be, but you describe a healthy love and a shared life.

[DaRealist]

Thank you, toughtimes.  I'm sorry to see your H has an OW while you raise 2 small children.  May God bless you and awaken your H to the treasure he left at home.