[31andcounting]

Panda, my H was on OW#2 for the second time!  I only know of 2 and am just guessing of "exact liminility's date"...as we are reconnecting but still some answers are needed
My H was EXTREMELY Anxious I could tell by some emails I read and his behaviour he was about to jump.....and I truly believe he was going to leave(he has been physically in the home entire crisis)  He was begging OW to "have him"  be together in life.......it was hurtful to read BUT it gave me true insight as to what seemed to be happening.  Not sure she was "on board" with his plans, almost felt as though she was "listening" only but not agreeing to be together.  I only base that on H's emails as I never saw her responses...not sure.  BUT a crisis happended within our family and some lies were discovered by our children.....not sure but it seemed as though it pushed him.  We had several touch 'n goes prior, each one lasting a little longer than the one before.  BUT suddenly things began to change.  It felt as though he was truly changing, truly opening up., and truly there again.  That was in March 2013, so who knows for sure and only time will tell.  It is now 3 years since initial BD and we will have our 33rd anniversary next week.  It is so much better than the last 7 years, I still worry but not as much as I know if something happened again, I would know it so that makes me feel like I am in more control of my life than before, if that makes sense ??
each crisis is the same, yet so very different!!
31

[Searching4Answers]

I would be interested in hearing from anyone in reconnection or rebuilding as to what their MLCer was doing in Replay up until the point liminality hit.  I am seeing very tragic and desperate measures by my H to find 'happiness' it really is looking quite pathetic.  I cannot understand how he thinks deep down this behaviour is normal.   I appreciate within MLC land it is an individual journey, I am just interested whether there is some sort of pattern, if at all.

What they do ? Mostly they think that their life is total failure. And they searching for happiness - new life. Running away from unhappiness - old life. Someone, something what will make them happy. They don't realize that nobody can make someone happy.

Their personality does not work anymore. Instead changing self, depression is natural state for investigating inner self. And that happening to the people in MLT. But they instead changing self decide that all others around them guilty for their misery and escape from old life. So, MLcers in REPLAY are happiness chasers  - junkies. Escaping and avoiding changing self. When they FINALLY realize that it is OWN fault or tired or both, perusing happiness because they will not find any, they are ready for liminality.

Panda, here is what I am seeing with my H:
It is going on 4 weeks since he broke up with OW; it has not been a good 4 weeks. H decided to leave OW because saw that he was losing me, so I am not sure if he is ready for liminaliy yet in that he is, IMO, giving too much thought to external forces. He is very down on himself (feels like a failure) often commenting on how he can't do anything right, that nobody likes him, maybe he should start drinking again because he has already pissed off everyone anyway, and very clingy. Now keep in mind that I have not been the 'source' of unhappiness; he has always said that he loves me and won't leave, this is quite different from most situations and I don't really understand it. We are trying to reconnect and he is quite frustrated with the process; he wants to see progress and is cycling a lot.
As far as replay activities go, H has displayed the following: OW (8 months), excessive exercising/vanity, spending money, selfishness, needs constant input/feedback/communication (was from OW now it is from me, not about anything in paticular, like a teenager just needs to chatter), has really hard time being still/quiet. He mentioned wanting to go visit family out of state because he thinks it will make him feel better to be around people that like him meaning people he hasn't pissed off (?) I don't think he is out of replay yet, maybe the tail end, because he is still very selfish in his thoughts and actions. I would not be suprised if he went back to OW, I know she is still trying to reach out to him and is waiting 

There is more detail on my thread that might help; it is definitely not an easy period. In some ways I feel like I did in the beginning questioning everything, the difference being that I have detached some and don't feel the need to fix H.

[panda]

Twilightzone,  Yes you are quite right - I keep forgetting that his behaviour is one of an addict.  And he IS keeping lots of stuff secret.  I suspect the OW knows less than me.

31 - thank you for your post.  I was beginning to think that it was LBS with MLCers either a live in or no affair that had reconciled.   My H has been with the OW for over a year now and in Replay for approx 2 years.  OW does not seem to be going anywhere but he appears to be looking for another.  I get the impression that the OW is pushing him to leave but he is making big excuses as to why not as he is still here.  Something he tries to threaten me with constantly.   He has also told me his wish is to live alone.  Really cannot keep up with it.  To be honest the more I see, I am grateful to understand the situation but I cannot believe I was once intimate with this man. 

Searching - Your H through his actions has given you some hope that maybe things will improve.  My H has always blamed me for his feelings of misery.  I need to go back and re-read your thread!

I still don't get how they can behave ok (whilst in Replay)in front of people and act totally looney to us.  And I mean simple things.  H put the dishwasher on when the dishes hadn't been put in it.  He hadn't seen them - even though he had just made his dinner    - crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Albatross]

I believe that beginning of MLC is beginning of individuation. Like beginning of MLT is beginning of individuation to. Only difference between MLT and MLC is how big shadow is and does shadow become autonomous.
Individuation become when one become aware of own shadow.

1. Appearance
2. Encounter with the shadow
3. Merger with the shadow
4. Assimilation of the shadow

[Albatross]

To me is impossible to even imagine that someone can be driven with subconscious. It is impossible because one can't be driven with something whet he is not aware. In other words have to be merger - shadow / ego before REPLAY or during REPLAY. Subconscious have to be reveled into consonances and on that way produce personality changes. MLCers make rational decisions. But they make them poorly. So, we are aware that MLCers become totally different personalities. Abducted by aliens. Different 180 degrees. Then I can't conclude different then elements of shadow emerge into conciseness and personality change.

[BB64]

This is my take on replay.

Replay is about them wanting another shot at life, unfortunately they don't get that you only really get one shot and cannot go back into the past to fix it.
Now, I am guessing that 99% of the time it is about the life they had before they got with us. We, in their minds, changed their lives.
As they get to midlife, they start to question what the hell happened between back then and now, so of course, when they feel they might not be where they think they should be at by now, we get all the blame.

So, seeing as we were not part of that life before 'us', we must remove ourselves from it. If we hang around and hang on tight, it gets even more confusing for them.

We are not meant to be part of it. We were not there the first time around. Right now, we pretty much don't exist to them. We are not real.

I think it is only when they are done trying to change the past that they can decide whether or not we could fit into the second shot, in the future.

However, by then, we also get to have our say, a choice. It is , I reckon, when they realise that they cannot get a second shot at it that things can really move forward, and hopefully not too much time has gone wasted.

I think if you could work out what age your MLC'er is at and the time difference between then being that age and you meeting them, you might get an idea on how long their journey through MLC might take.
Mine is somewhere between 15 and 17 years old. I have gathered that much because I do not recognise him. I did not know him then but I know what kind of liife he had. He grew up a bit when he met me. All he talks about to everyone is his life back when he was between 15 and 17. So I am looking at a 2 to 4 years recovery for him.

We are 1 year in and I have removed myself from his life.

Of course this is all just a theory of mine, I could of course be wrong, I'm no expert. Just an observer.

I'm hoping he is 17...not 15 because quite frankly, I am finding the whole thing rather tedious already!

[panda]

Booboo

I think if you could work out what age your MLC'er is at and the time difference between then being that age and you meeting them, you might get an idea on how long their journey through MLC might take.
Mine is somewhere between 15 and 17 years old. I have gathered that much because I do not recognise him. I did not know him then but I know what kind of liife he had. He grew up a bit when he met me. All he talks about to everyone is his life back when he was between 15 and 17. So I am looking at a 2 to 4 years recovery for him.

I really hope this isn't the way its going to go!!!  MY H, I met when he was 29.  He's acting like a 17 year old at the moment.  He's been in crisis already for approx 3.5 years (trigger I think was demanding/stressful new job), with replay for 2 years.  I hope I haven't got another 9 years or so of this.  I will be long gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BB64]

I hope I'm wrong, too, Panda.

I also think that they is a fast forward button on this, and when we do remove ourselves that is when they can push that button.
Scared they could run out of time.

Time is the essence with MLC, is it not? Fear plays a key role, too, I believe.

Now where did I put my Tardis?

[panda]

Booboo,

Am fairly convinced it is the fear holding my H here.  Who knows this crisis may be 'got through' quicker if he took himself away to his fantasy land (OW) so that could fall apart.  But no, he makes things as painful as possible by prolonging the misery for himself and all involved.

I could do with a Tardis aswell.  Transport me 10 years into the future - see where this all leads!

[BB64]

Oh forget 'em. Who says we can't live in our own fantasy world if we want to as well. It's not like they are bothered about what we do, right?

We can have fun, too. Within limits of course. All we have to do is keep it clean, that works for/from/with our self -esteem anyway.

They can press rewind, fast forward, play, replay, pause all they like.
We can press STOP!!!
Hammer time! Can't touch this! lol