[stayed]

Dramatic but maybe true?  Don't want to find out but puts the pressure on the LBS.

Actually, NO, it doesn't put pressure on the LBS.  Your MLCer did this.  Whether he is mentally healthy or not, is not your problem, as he will not allow you or anybody to help him.  Therefore, you MUST LET GO!  In fact, I am a huge believer that by NOT letting go, you are ENABLING them. 

Leave your MLCer to it... he started this, only he can FINISH it ... at least for himself... YOU of course, have complete CONTROL over what you choose to do or not do.

Hugs Stayed

[summer90]

Thanks Stayed,

What I meant was that a psychologist predicting that the actions of the LBS may result in a negative ending for the MLCer is putting undue pressure on the LBS to take responsibility for the actions of the MLCer, which has NOTHING to do with the LBS and is unfair to any LBS who is standing for him/herself.

I am certainly leaving my MLCer to his misery and take no responsibility for his actions, in the past, present or future.  It's his mess, not mine and he is doing a great job of ruining his life all by himself, needs no help from me.

[stayed]

Good for you Summer90.  Psychologist's are very good at making "dramatic" statements.  Obviously, they are EXTREME FIXER... or at least certainly want to make others feel like they can help a person, when truthfully, NOBODY can!  Not them, or us!  The person who seeks help/assistance/aid from a psychiatrist/counselor/therapist... truly seeking help, sure, they can be helped, but the truth is, they are ASKING for help... which indicates they REALIZE they need help.

Until that time... nobody can help.  Nobody.  When we help ourselves... WE GET RESULTS... until then... NOTHING!!!

HUGS Stayed

[summer90]

Thanks Stayed,

I've come a long way from the "fixer" of eight months ago to the "leave him to his own mess" person of the present time.

Beginning to feel proud of the new me and the steps I have taken to find myself.. Pitiful left the building quite some time ago
Strength and determination took over in a big way.

[stayed]

That's good to hear summer90... my hat is off to you.    hugs Stayed

[Darth Obo]

Was just wondering if we could pin point why our mlcers have chosen home.

It would be really good if RCR had any info on those who remain in the home and her take on the reasons why.

I personally think in my case it has a lot to do with my h's dependence on me. He told me early on that no matter how hard he tried he could not detach from me completely. Which shows he was trying to and finding any way he could, but he just couldn't let the attachment go.

Any ideas.
Sd
X

I believe it has to do with two primary reasons:
1) Co-Dependency
2) Abandonment Issues (probably FOO related)

I believe this is the issue with mine anyway and I think it stems from the death of her father! He died when she was 10. He and my MIL were separated and he had a GF. He was leaving to tell the GF it was over and he was going back to MIL. My wife wanted to go with him and he said no. She got angry and told him she hoped he didn't come back. While he was gone, he was hit by a drunk driver on his motorcycle and died as a result of injuries. My wife has never forgotten this; any time D11 says something mean to me (as little girls do) my wife will jump on her quickly about "be careful what you say because you never know what may happen to him" and I know she is referring to this incident. She never had closure with him. Add in the fact that that D11 was D10 when all this started and when my wife decides to show her ass on occasion, she reminds me of D11 having a tantrum! Coincidence?

Now add in the fact her step-dad (married her mom when she was 11) was a verbally and mentally abusive alcoholic that cut down her self-esteem. Also, several boyfriends who came along before me and treated her badly.

Then I come along...someone who really cared for her and the only stable man in her life. If there is a thing called love at first site, then we had it. I had no intention of getting married; wasn't looking. And then she arrived and the attraction was instant for both of us and I still cant explain it in words!

Sure, I made my mistakes along the way...but I always cared and provided for her no matter what! the military lifestyle with all the separation and deployments only added fuel to the fire! Being left alone to take care of things while I am off fighting for the cause I am sure left some feelings of abandonment and not being there!

Anyway...that's my 2 cents and how I think it applies to my situation! She has not left....she has said more than once she wants out and the last time I took her up on it! Told her I agree to her terms lets get things moving and get it over with! Still here! I have no doubt she sees me as the anchor and pillar of strength! I Have put up with everything she has dished out and quite frankly it is taking its toll as I am feeling pretty beat down right now! I know she has guilt / remorse....it's written all over her face and she either apologizes or shows some affection regularly! I think her threats are just her testing the anchor honestly!

Thanks god D11 is with grandma for 3 weeks...I can take some time for myself while wife is at the gym and other hobby / work related stuff!


Obo

[Mr Blindside]

Thanks Stayed,

I've come a long way from the "fixer" of eight months ago to the "leave him to his own mess" person of the present time.

Beginning to feel proud of the new me and the steps I have taken to find myself.. Pitiful left the building quite some time ago
Strength and determination took over in a big way.

Attaching too. 5 months since BD & my W and I still live together. Wish I had come across this sooner as it's a great thread. I will update my situation soon but I can echo Summer90's thoughts above. I don't feel the need to fix things & am leaving her to sort through her mess. I do believe W is a major conflict avoider & has possibly not dealt with some abandonment issues from childhood.

Anyway she has not left but in the beginning when I was frantically trying to "fix" things, the MC & her latched onto the whold "trial separation" idea very quickly.
I got out of there very quickly & it was at that point that I decided to stop all relationship talk & me trying to fix us!

Will update soon, reading with interest.

[superdog]

It's a strange thing but when I first came across this site there were people talking about the book co dependency no more. I thought, well that must be me so I got the book. Whilst I read through it I realised that it was not describing me, but describing my h.

There is a checklist of all things a co dependent shows and is and he pretty much ticked every box. I ticked a handful, but they were more akin to my personality type than co dependency.

My h had done an absolute amazing job of hiding himself the whole 23 years I have known him. I am no dummy and people are my career and I never saw through it, I only saw the contradictions that didn't make any sense but nothing I thought enough of to research. They do now !!!

My h also has abandonment issues as did I.

Also conflict avoidant and people pleaser so we have the recipe for mlc and the recipe for one that stays home.

Also another question. How did you spouse relate to your children before full on mlc?

The answer from my h is that he didn't. He couldn't build a relationship with them and felt uncomfortable kissing and hugging them. My h is no worse a father now that he ever was.

Sd
X

[Searching4Answers]

It's a strange thing but when I first came across this site there were people talking about the book co dependency no more. I thought, well that must be me so I got the book. Whilst I read through it I realised that it was not describing me, but describing my h.

There is a checklist of all things a co dependent shows and is and he pretty much ticked every box. I ticked a handful, but they were more akin to my personality type than co dependency.

My h had done an absolute amazing job of hiding himself the whole 23 years I have known him. I am no dummy and people are my career and I never saw through it, I only saw the contradictions that didn't make any sense but nothing I thought enough of to research. They do now !!!

My h also has abandonment issues as did I.

Also conflict avoidant and people pleaser so we have the recipe for mlc and the recipe for one that stays home.

I see my H as having codependency issues now that I more aware of the signs - H is definitely more so than I am. I have read Codependent No More and saw myself in some of it but it wasn't an eye opener like I thought it would be - I thought I would fell more of a connection to it.

I wonder how I didn't see it before too but I think I didn't see it because I needed some of his codependency's - he was filling a need that I had at the time. Like in an earlier post that we were discussing how torn we felt about our H's dependency on us - sweet and kind of creepy at the same time. When I was younger, I needed that sweet 'look how much he loves me' dependent thing - my H would do anything for me, this was something that I didn't get from my parents. I have always been very independent and I think that is something that H was attracted to in me. Over on SongandDance's thread they were discussing how men need to feel needed - I don't know that my H felt needed - I always thought it more important to feel wanted I don't know that I would agree with H hiding himself - for me I think I saw what I needed to for that time in my life but as we grow those needs change and as we become more aware we see more.

[superdog]

I liken it to when you need glasses and you have to hold the book way back to be able to see it clearly. This is how it is with my h. I was way too close to see what was actually in front of my face.

My mother drilled in to me as a youngster that I should never depend on a man. She absolutely depended on my dad and I think it was a warning not to be like her. I watch my neighbour who works a small part time job and he earns bucket loads she has 3 kids and parades like a princess ruling her roost and yup she is just one affair away from the street. I never want to be as vulnerable as that and have made sure by working hard that it will never be me. My strive for independence suited my h because it meant I did not ask him for much, but in true h contradiction style it  made him feel not needed. I could never have pleased him either way so I care not a jot.

My job involves me being a fixer and I see enough of that every day that I get my own "fix" there, last thing I want to do is to have my work here in my home. I don't need to feel needed in that way, at least not anymore. But then I have forgotten the old me if I am honest she is gone too and this one is way better so I have decided to keep her. Lol

Xx