[terrified_in_TN]

HT,
I'm thinking that the MLCer may start it as meaningless sex, but their moral code is still yelling at them in the background (even if they don't recognize it as such) and this is what causes them to convince themselves that this OP is the "love of their life" or whatever....

  I find this interesting...I've been at this for 9 months now, so some of the earlier BD stuff is getting a little foggy, but I remember one night after a fight spouse went to stay a a motel by herself to sort things out (OM lives in another state, so I absolutely believe she was alone).  I was angry and hurt and was giving it to w both barrels.  Next thing I know I get a txt from her brother telling me to leave her alone.  That really got under my skin...

  Anyway, come to find out, she was on the verge of suicide.  I think she was torn between "her moral code" and that what she was torn to do.  Of course in the end, she abandoned her moral code in favor of her desires.

-T

[nah]

It was hard for me to select a quote b/c I was nodding my head though out all this dialogue.

IMO, and only my opinion, I think male and female "MLC" or whatever you want to call it is different.  For men, I think it has a lot to do with low "T", equipment issues, and thinking they are losing their "manhood".  Just for now I want to focus on the women b/c well, my husband leaving did throw me into my own "MLC" and I feel I can explain what is in their minds.

On the outside, I was the perfect wife and mom, married at 19, a virgin when we met, head of the PTA, Girl scouts, stay at home mom, gardening, baking bread, etc.,,, My husband would often comment how his friends, co-workers were jealous of how he had such a pretty, sexy, devoted wife.  I was in the popular crowd in high school, I pretty much ditched my friends to be with husband.  I was married young with small kids, they were out partying, sometimes I would see them and listen to their stories but, I was not part of that world.  Sometimes I would be jealous of their lives, and they often said how lucky I was to have such a "perfect life", grass is greener kind of thing.

In my 20's and 30's I would get a lot of attention just walking down the street or at the beach b/c I do have a better than average figure.  In my 40's that started to fade, yes, I still look good for 48 but I am 48 and I look 48.  Now my nieces and daughter get that kind of attention more than I do.  Sure, it's superficial, but I'm just being honest.

But why do you go for 36 years without an interest in sowing wild oats and then do it by moving in with a fat slug whose idea of a good time seems to be sitting at home watching TV and drinking beer? That's not sowing wild oats, that's collecting a spud.

When your marriage is good, your wife is not going to tell you that she is fantasizing about the hot latino mailman (or whatever) but I did fantasize most of our marriage.  I often had crushes on coworkers, neighbors, friends, but I loved my husband so it was just harmless fantasies.  The interest was there the whole time but my life with husband was more important to me.

Then my husband BD me. 

Anyone who reads my thread knows what happened next.  I lived out all my fantasies in about a year.  I had a mental checklist, hot young guy...check, black guy...check,  one night stand with a stranger, check, etc.  I'm not going to lie, the sex was hot, exciting, wild, I felt sexy and alive.  I could walk into a club filled with college kids (with a good friend my age and very attractive) and we would walk past all the young girls and have our pick of the best looking guys.  Wild oats sowed.  Now what?  What was fun in the beginning now started to feel dirty and sad.  This was just not me.   

The big difference between me and the female MLCers is I did not destroy my family, my husband did.  My friends, and coworkers called me "Stella" (as in got her grove back) b/c they knew how heartbroken I was about husband.  But what if I was the one who just picked up and left a good man, disregarding the feelings of my children to act like a $l()t?  That's why I feel these women stick with these "spuds", b/c in their minds they are not bad if they are doing all these things in the name of love.

After 25+ years of being a moral, good mother and wife, how could I look anybody in the eyes and admit that I destroyed my entire family for no good reason except, I was bored.

Too simple?

[OceanLady]

Yes nah...bored --> now very excited with new lover and validator.   And, the worst thing is that they stay with these people...or whatever they are-->manipulators.  How can they not... after telling everyone in their family how awful we were and now our families hate them for the extreme pain that they have caused us!!!

My xH had a phone call in Jan of 2010 from his sister telling him that his ex high school GF (from 33 years ago) had shown up for a visit to his parents house while here to visit her sick father in the hospital.  On Valentine's Day of 2010, he located her number thru the internet and called her on his way home from work.  They spoke for 10 minutes....that was the end of my marriage as I knew it.  Four weeks later he spoke of divorce and 4 weeks after that he filed for the D while still at home with us.  He got more and more angry every day and started to yell at myself and our son every night during dinner.  I couldn't stand it...it was horrible to see happen to my family. At the end of June...he walked out for his own apartment as OW was coming in 2 weeks for another visit and she wanted him to have his own place by then so they could be together (or... could he sneak away from his family a few times at night)....so he did.

One of our neighbors was going thru this also... the W (we didn't know who filed at that time) had filed for the D and they were still living together.  Strangely, my H said to me one day before I knew what he was doing:  I wonder what it feels like to be divorcing and still living together?  I found that statement very weird.  I guess he found out what it felt like after all but never mentioned it again.  I am aware that he has been sick many times and had to go to the ER twice for anxiety attacks since then.  Once was 6 months or so after the left and the second time was 2.5 years later and our son had to take him to the ER.  I was not told why but S did tell me that if I knew why, he would take him back to court to have S removed from him.  I did not do that.  S told me why after he started to feel left out of his fathers life.  Now, after 4.5 years and S going off the school in another state, xH bought a house last October and is now living with the OW.  Good for him!  I wonder how that is going?  I will never know bc he never talks to me and he won't let our S19 sleep there any longer when he comes home from school to visit.  S19 is feeling very left out now!  Hmm, welcome to my world S.  Have you figured it out yet S?  I know he has!  Too sad and too old for me to talk about anymore.  I feel that xH will never apologize or change his new life!  He has become his mask and it is ugly!  Not my problem anymore.  He continues to get sick often....I do not!  Maybe a little bit of Karma right there!   

[Thunder]

Wow nah, I could almost have written what you posted.

It was the same for me after my 1st H left me for a ow.  I was a stay at home mom and would never have cheated on my H, even though I had opportunities.  Just wasn't in me.  I was always the "good girl."

After my H left me I hit the ground running.  Had almost all the checks you had.  I also had an above average figure and at 35 I had my pick of men.  I learned to party pretty fast.
After a few years of it I was tired of it.  My gf's laughed...party ME was sick of the bar scene?  Yes, I was done.

I met my 2nd H in a bar and right from the start we connected in an amazing way.  Emotionally, sexually,...blah, blah...
Even though we had an age difference, it didn't matter.  After 7 years we were in it enough to get married and we were close and happy for 27 years.  Then MLC hit!

Now looking back, I think part of my X's problems might have been partially due to the fact that he never had much experience with other woman.  Never really had a serious gf.  Didn't "sow his wild oats."

He never had any problem with his sex drive or performance.  So that wasn't ever and still isn't a problem for him.
I believe his MLC is mainly from him aging.  He was getting a lot of gray hair, a small spare around his waste and getting a few wrinkles.  But I also think he felt a need to be with different woman.  Like he maybe felt he lost out on something.

He still has not had a ow but there are days I wonder if some day he will.  He doesn't seem interested in looking anymore but who knows?

Didn't mean to go on and on or railroad this thread but your post just brought me back, nah.   : )  I've said it before you sound so much like me it's down right scary.  lol

[nah]

Thunder, like your MLCer my boyfriend is younger than me.  He, however, has sowed enough oats to feed a 3rd world country, so maybe I'm safe with this one.

Can you imagine if we knew each other when we both were going through our crazy time?  The world would never had been the same. 

[HeartTattoo]

I'm thinking that the MLCer may start it as meaningless sex, but their moral code is still yelling at them in the background (even if they don't recognize it as such) and this is what causes them to convince themselves that this OP is the "love of their life" or whatever. Because how many people who feel crappy enough about life to have to run away think "I think I'll go out and have no emotional connection with anyone."  They are actually looking for an emotional connection and don't realize the emotional connection missing link is in them. So if they have sex with this OP, they must be in love with them, right? How else can they justify themselves?

OR,

Agree completely with this!  In the vast majority of situations here, are spouses were not serial cheaters.  And this is the missing link between "How did this honest, honorable, formerly faithful person do this?" to lying, adultery, "falling in love" with an affair-down alienator, & abandoning their family.

The MLC infidelity clouds everyone's vision so much.  It is so overwhelming for everyone involved.  We can be told "it is only a symptom of MLC", that the alienator is "nothing special, just the first willing & available", that the infidelity is "just a distraction" from their depression & emptiness, but it doesn't feel that way to us, the MLCer certainly doesn't see it that way, & the world is confused by fairy tales, romantic fables, & sleazy TV shows.

If our MLCer's look so empty, if they can't maintain an emotional connection to us, to our kids, to our friends, how do they make a connection to an OP?  You hit it on the head--they don't.  They think they do.  On BD day I got "We (H & the OW) are so emotionally close & we (he & I) aren't any more".  But the emotional connection isn't to the alienator.  It is to the drug, to the "cocaine" of pursuit & intrigue & adoration & infatuation.  This all feels so much like "love" to the MLCer & this "love" then justifies, in their minds, what has happened.  They don't take responsibility for their choices & actions; they believe that all of this, this "falling in love" & what had to follow just happened to them.

Hugs,
HT

[hawk]

...

Again, I don't understand the need to go so low, so desperate for attention.

Wow, you guys were starting to make me feel a little bad since I admitted that "sexting" naked pics was a turn on (for *most* guys)..

But I don't feel too liberal-Never heard of a "rainbow" party-had to look that up.

This may be direct and to the point, and in some ways a little offensive (hope not):

Going through what I have been through, a wise acquaintance (whom I believe possibly went thru MLC himself, not sure) said to me:

"I'm convinced *most* of us will sow our wild oats at some point in our lives.  If we are lucky, we get it done on the front end.  Unfortunately, some of don't get it done until the back end."

Kids are certainly more brazen and promiscuous then we were at that age...or ARE they?  Don't see much difference between a "rainbow" party, and the "free love, peace, and hair grease" era from the 60s generation.  Remember the "Ass, gas, or grass" bumper stickers...

Could it not be, that just some of our MLCers missed out on sowing those wild oats?  I will admit it, I did.  And so did my spouse.  Hmmm, I had an attempt at high energy replay, and now my spouse is MLC...coincidence?  I know we all talk about foo issues, and unresolved childhood trama's, but putting the psychology away for a second, could it not in some cases, be as simple as this?

-T

Yep absolutely agree T.
 Too much childhood crap , they blame everything on it these days. Sometimes l think shrinks are just lazy or no good because that's all they seem to know or wanna get into.
The wild oats is huge . It's huge with women and it's huge with men.
So many here got married so young to . l'd hate to fight the odds of trying to stay married when you started so young.

But l know in seeing so many stories around here and in the other club l was in , l can see to , that a lot of the dplits were about the marriage itself , or married so young , lots of core things.
l believe even mine was stuff like that , even though w was actually in early menopause . We had had a really rough few years , l was playing up and it did hurt her very deeply.
Although she did show a lot of the mlc symptoms to l must admit.
But basically she some how met some supposedly very gentle kind of guy and being so hurt  and confused and tired from the way l'd been , through stress and lots of other stuff , given her health state and depression , l can see why she bailed . Why she ran out of steam with us.
l can see why she blocked her love and pushed it away in the end.

So l'm not all that sure if she was even in mlc tbh , same with some others l see around us.
Because there is also such a thing as just being tired from the marriage, trying so long , the hard work of marriage and family and setting up life and all the trials and tribs   . Two people or one of them , just getting on the others nerves in the end , the whole bit and many reasons .

[bipolared]

Those are good points Hawk, and probably part of this but again and again, I have to ask myself why the excessive cruelty and disrespect?  My H could have just moved out and ended the marriage but he moved 30 min away to the area we had always wanted to live in but it was too expensive.  He spends maybe 3 hours a week with our girls.  Before he moved out I dealt with finding a box of condoms in the car I take my kids to school in(on Christmas Day), his dating sites, and emails from OW1.  Most people on here have far worse thrown in their faces.  They could sow their wild oats with much less damage.

[hawk]

l also reckon some failing equipment with some is a bit like mlc or childhood stuff , just excuses and crap.
Women are failing to , lose looks and body and things falling to bits even down below , no different. And they wanna see if they can still do it and still have it, same thing there's absolutely no difference . But they tend to think all that stuff doesn't even matter for a women but believe me , it does , all of it.
There's also the huge issue for guys to and maybe it's the same for women l'm not sure but then why do they wanna get married then but in that it is very very hard to stay with just one women forever and stay interested . And these days with the clothes out their and plenty of girls quite happy to ware them, all the temptation and often handed to you on a plate. l'm not even sure if one women is even natural because it's near impossible .
For me , that was the hardest part of staying married and in the end , it got me.
And l was worried sick about sex having to be forever tbh and the guilt killed me. l never stopped loving my w but l needed a change sexually. l'm not sure what the answer is if you wanna stay married.
That can be put down and talked off into all sorts of bs and excuses but at the end of the day , it's really often as simple as that.
It's damn hard holding things together being married .

[Yoyolove]

Just piping in that my EX went for some one 16 yrs younger who still lived at home and was barely an adult in my book. I do believe the OW pursued as I was also friends with her and had the feeling prior she wanted the life I had.  So in this case, the OW was just in need of another parent who could give her what she wanted that her real parents had not or could not.