[hawk]

[quote author=Searching4Answers

Early on in my H's MLC I brought up separating for a while and he couldn't see why I would do this. I realized that he needed to work some things out and that was why he found the OW but the reason that I suggested separation was to preserve our relationship. I knew that the OW was about sex and I am not hung up on the sex part - it is the emotional ties that they form that kill me. I wanted him to do what he needed to do and get on with it. I was very supportive in the beginning until I realized that he didn't care what kind of damage he was doing to me.

My H has thus far not said that he was unhappy and that is the thing that gets me. He expected me to wait around and let him come and go as he pleased until he got bored with OW. He was very happy cake eating I finally had to put a stop to it for both of our sakes. The way that the MLCer goes about this is mind boggling! Fine, he wants to go out and screw everything that moves - go but why try to stay in a relationship with the me. Just end it and do what you want - I wouldn't have lost so much respect for him if he had done that but instead he drags it out for 2 years.




Don't worry S , there is so much l don't understand either . And no one could blame you with your h , you can't be expected to put up with that .
But you know , the fact they don't say it doesn't mean it's no so.  But l notice some of the mlcers round here have had no problem what so ever telling their spouses exactly what they thought, of everything.
Just goes to show how far gone some of them are doesn't it to hurt people they suppose to love like that .
l don't think mine so much wanted to hurt me , but she was resentful and really l couldn't blame her .

Strangest thing is , she is mostly so nice these days .
Even today l was broke , have been all wk because my last job is way late . She dropped d off and l said hey you cashed up this wk . She says nope l'm flat broke till thurs and we both laughed.
Later on , she found money somehow , so she text me and asked if l want some into my acc .
She would have gone home worrying that l had no money this wk. She would have organized something later and then the text.
But l can't figure out a lot of things like that with her . She divorced me yet sometimes she still seems to care a lot more deep down than you'd think . Other ways it's like she doesn't .

Who can figure out any of it 

[bipolared]

I am getting that too lately, Hawk and it is so confusing.  He keeps offering to put money in our account for groceries where he used to call me "Paris", as in Hilton.  I keep wondering lately if it is guilt b/c he is back with Miss Twat Shot but then again he tends to complain about money more if he has an OW. He also actually called me this morning to check on our sick dog!  I'm like, is it guilt?  Is it actual niceness since he talks about maybe getting back together?  Or when are they going to cycle away?  The mind spins.  I guess just best to enjoy good humor while we can and ignore the bad.  Stop analyzing it.  Ha ha, right?!

[hawk]

haha yeah right alright     we may as well face it and go with the flow . for me it's more trouble fighting of over analyze than the over analyzing -so l may as well just go with that - or something like that , scratch head.

So does he talk about getting back together bipo .
mines never ever talked about it . Although she is so proud there's no way she would , l know that . she has done things though , but then she's back flipped . as you can see l have absolutely no idea either.

And with things like the money or doing things , we've helped each other out right through this but l still just never know. she's always been a very kind person though , l don't know if these days it's just that and for old time sake or more to it.
dunno if it's right or not but l do have one theory . l think my consistency right through this and never having gotten nasty with her about every thing thats happened and still being good to her , has melted her down a bit tbh . she would have expected me to hate her guts and never talk to her ever again, treat her like a piece of dirt.
Because things like the kindness and this caring underneath it all are the old her and l do believe l'm seeing more and more of the old her creeping through the cracks these days. 
l could be wrong , it could be guilt or whatever but l just know that deep down she does a lot of things like this and l think they come from her deeper original feelings when she's not fighting it or acting out the tough l don't care thing.
Even the other night l was hanging out over there with d. W got home and made us some tea. l could see her watching out the corner of her eye seeing if l liked it and when l said hmm that was nice, she lit up a bit . But why if she doesn't care , beats me !

Do you think you see anything like that in yours ?


 

[bipolared]

haha yeah right alright     we may as well face it and go with the flow . for me it's more trouble fighting of over analyze than the over analyzing -so l may as well just go with that - or something like that , scratch head.

So does he talk about getting back together bipo .
mines never ever talked about it . Although she is so proud there's no way she would , l know that . she has done things though , but then she's back flipped . as you can see l have absolutely no idea either.

And with things like the money or doing things , we've helped each other out right through this but l still just never know. she's always been a very kind person though , l don't know if these days it's just that and for old time sake or more to it.
dunno if it's right or not but l do have one theory . l think my consistency right through this and never having gotten nasty with her about every thing thats happened and still being good to her , has melted her down a bit tbh . she would have expected me to hate her guts and never talk to her ever again, treat her like a piece of dirt.
Because things like the kindness and this caring underneath it all are the old her and l do believe l'm seeing more and more of the old her creeping through the cracks these days. 
l could be wrong , it could be guilt or whatever but l just know that deep down she does a lot of things like this and l think they come from her deeper original feelings when she's not fighting it or acting out the tough l don't care thing.
Even the other night l was hanging out over there with d. W got home and made us some tea. l could see her watching out the corner of her eye seeing if l liked it and when l said hmm that was nice, she lit up a bit . But why if she doesn't care , beats me !

Do you think you see anything like that in yours ?


 

He does talk about getting back together but there is an element of "if I can get past what you have done to me"!   So obviously still in Replay. 
I do see more and more of the old him peeking out at some points.  I think they do appreciate our kindness(although some see that as weakness and will try to use it) but they are amazed and distrustful of it.  In my sitch I definitely would say that I am not out of the woods yet.  I think he still thinks that divorce might make him finally happy and end his feelings for me so I still worry.  In RCR's articles she says that they can be afraid of giving us false hope, and also that they may be afraid that they have done too much and can't come back.  That might be what your wife is thinking.  I wonder if it is a form of cake eating though?  I know recently when my H has been over after acting distant  I have tried to be in other rooms and busy but he always ends up calling me into the room to be with them!  I could drive myself crazy with it all so I just go with my gut and be as kind as possible.  I figure most of his issues come from his parents' disapproval and conditional love;  hopefully being opposite of that might help?

[hawk]

Do you mean if he can get past what you did ? , what did you do ?
Sorry , haven't seen all of the story !
lf it was you did something to him then nah ,l wuldn't call that replay just plain old needing to get past it. Some could , some can't.

l reckon if they're hating on us and as mean as , yeah kindness will come across as weak  but if mine is good to me then l am good to her ,that's howl play it.
Sometimes if she was a bit arrogant last time l saw her , if l go for d l'll wait in the kitchen and not bother with ex next time. But she has often talked to me out loud from the next room or even come into the kitchen or wherever l am the next time . l have  a little chuckle to myself .

Mine would def' think she has done too much , that's why she would never come out and talk R , she'd be too proud and scared l'd just tell her to eff off . She would never set herself up for that.
The way she would do it is in small things and hope l catch on.
She has done things and l have thought deeply about them , but l haven't known for sure , and then there was an om , so ,l've been hurt and l'm proud to so l haven't moved on them .
l do have a few regrets like that but without being sure at the time , no way l was risking another kick in the head.
l sorta suspect her pushing the divorce thing was on account of me not acting on them tbh , but l don't know for sure.
But that is exactly how she would work , she'd try some really subtle thing that couldn't leave her looking like  a fool and if she thought l just wasn't into it , she would then turn and act the opposite or even end it.
just how she ticks .

l wouldn't hang out in other rooms though if he came over , even if he is distant. Not unless it's to legit go and do something for a minute , or his arrogant or something .
But just distant , l'd try to stick around . He's probably thinking sh@t through and warming up so you wanna try and be around when he has.
Just thoughts !
l know mine use to buzz off when l had things on my mind and it drove me nuts . Because l'd be somewhere else if l didn't wanna be around her and sometimes l just needed time , or even time to say what t actually was.
But she had this real race of then way about her , always too soon , hence that divorce stuff. l notice she still has it .
Even bd , if only she had talked to me , but that was again her racing off.

[hawk]

ps , l don't know with mine if l would call it at times cake eating , not as strong as that.
But l do think at times she's maybe even subconsciously, wanted to touch the real us again and the couple thing. Maybe even needed it.
Like being really talky sometimes , almost as if we were still together.
Usually a back flip followed next time l saw her.
Maybe that was the false hope thing or maybe she realized and it was the pride thing , so hard to tell.
She often even maybe avoid though next time l saw her .
Very weird .

Doe s yours stuff like that ?

[bipolared]

ps , l don't know with mine if l would call it at times cake eating , not as strong as that.
But l do think at times she's maybe even subconsciously, wanted to touch the real us again and the couple thing. Maybe even needed it.
Like being really talky sometimes , almost as if we were still together.
Usually a back flip followed next time l saw her.
Maybe that was the false hope thing or maybe she realized and it was the pride thing , so hard to tell.
She often even maybe avoid though next time l saw her .
Very weird .

Doe s yours stuff like that ?

He absolutely does, almost as if he doesn't want to get sucked back in to our family!  And by the cake eating thing, I meant that I would feel like he was getting his family fix(and he has said before that he still thinks of us as his family) and then going off to live his single life.
I didn't really do anything that he has to get past.  I think he wanted to get rid of his guilt and shame so started blaming me, saying that I made him feel his needs were inconsequential and that he didn't matter. In low moments he can get to me but for the most part I can see this as script.  I mean, sure I think there are things we would all do or not do in hindsight but no way did I deserve the stuff he has done, and neither do our kids deserve to be emotionally abandoned.  Especially when I have been consistently kind and inviting.  He knows I am open to reconciliation but he is still rather lost.  Says he misses me and the girls and cries at home alone but he won't look at himself yet.  And right now we are going through having our dog die;  he called on Saturday to see how she was(when she still had a chance) but we haven't heard a word since.  Not even to see how the girls are taking it.

[bipolared]

Getting off topic here but don't a lot of people post about how the MLCer can't handle anything sad, and I think many say they avoid the pets when they are declining?  I know he says seeing me cry is the worst thing ever, too-although it seems he goes out of his way to try and make me!

[toomanytearss]

Getting off topic here but don't a lot of people post about how the MLCer can't handle anything sad, and I think many say they avoid the pets when they are declining?  I know he says seeing me cry is the worst thing ever, too-although it seems he goes out of his way to try and make me!

Mine, too.  The same thing. 

[hawk]

Mine was pretty damn hard at the start , wouldn't go as far as call it monstering though compared to most round here.
But l reckon her hurt and resentment at times def' caused her to throw a few decent size rocks at me though , so to speak.

And yep she'd just blow of anything upsetting too. Usually in the most amazingly couldn't careless , matter of factly way too .
Sorry about the pet bipo , last thing the kids need . Pretty rough having pets sometimes isn't it.

Sometimes l got the feeling mine didn't wanna get sucked back into it either , maybe even worried l might get a bit too keen next time. But God l don't know , l can only analyze . She's been pretty cagey on all things feeling ever since bd apart from a few emotional spats here and there.