[Thunder]

You're so right init.  NO one should take abuse from anyone!  If it means they don't get back together, sometimes that is just what needs to happen.  In your case, let's hope it's loud and clear...stay away!   

It's funny after I wrote this Watcher posted on his thread, and it pretty much answered my question.
He is going NC, not just for his own sake, but his W's too.

He said even if they don't get back together, he is giving his W the time and space to do her inner work and become a healed woman and mother for the children.  (of course he said it better than I did)  ha ha

[gman242]

Thunder that's the same reason I've gone dim on my wife. I think in some cases, until you can get rid of or minimize the codepenancy, change and introspection isn't going to happen. Instead, they'll get their relationship / stability fix and go right back to what they were doing. For the LBS, that just keeps you in a pattern of having expectations as well. If in the event that they never come out of this, you've done your work and well prepared.

[Watcher]

If my NC allows me to heal and become a better man than maybe it gives her the opportunity  to heal and find that woman again inside of her. At its core level, she needs to become a woman again before anything else. If she cannot become a woman than my kids are not getting their mother back and  we have absolutely  no chance at a relationship.

I believe that our contact has been just fueling the crisis. How much Monster do I write about these days ? Not much since I went NC. I also agree that she has been getting her fixes through the touch and goes/anchor checks. So minimizing those interactions should help.

[CallingHeart]

Mine went NC 2 weeks after BD which was almost 2 years ago.
I immediately flooded him with requests for contact.  That didn't work so I dropped down to the occasional contact. That didn't work. So I went dim, then dark.  I then up'd it to more-than-occasional contact thinking I could break the rules, what did I have to lose? I already lost it.   

Nothing - nothing -no reply - no response - absolutely nothing from husband until he emailed me that he had filed for divorce

In my personal opinion, my efforts with contact were meant to try to send the olive branch, get response, have a say, get through, pave a way.  I've concluded for myself that the effect of contact vs. no contact is just going to be a huge mystery.  I say this because  I've also come to believe that no matter what we do, or don't do, we cannot change the MLC spouse or alter the course of their crisis. 

So why would I try any measure to control the outcome?    I thought about it this morning  (of course I think about his ghost every day!).  If he is inclined to find peace with me, he will make the contact.  I have to be confident in that respect, otherwise I am just playing my hand to try to influence him.  I've also concluded that there's no such thing as contact without expectation because otherwise, why do it?

So will he "forget about me" if I don't send the occasional contact?   I guess he might.  So should I do it to cause him to "not to forget me"?  Well, if he wanted to forget me and I continue to contact, then how have I improved my plight? 

It's been 9 months since his divorce now.  I think about contacting him again from time to time, but I can't do it without expectation, so I continue on with my own healing and NC. 

Just rambling....
CallingHeart...

[Watcher]

CallingHeart,

I believe that's exactly where I have arrived. She has made it clear to me that she wants no contact. She does not want me and she certainly does not want a relationship. So why keep beating my head against a wall. When she is ready, she will reach out. That's what I have come to believe. It's simply out of my hands.  4 months of NC has been great for me.

[Velika]

I agree with Rebecca. I realized after some time with no contact I had reached the point where I did not want him back. It helped me to also grow to see him as the person he has become, not the person he was. And also maybe to have some fresh perspective on the person he was, who was maybe not the person I thought, as painful as that is to realize.

Another helpful thing is that I am beginning to see that some of the things I miss about him are actually things I miss about myself. Meaning, they are things I can recover. I guess the other things are traits I can begin to cultivate in myself. Being around someone who was projecting anger onto me has hurt me a lot. Even small words in his texts upset me. The less contact I have the more I can see how he affects me and how I feel when I am not he affected this way.

The person he is now is not someone I would be interested in looking for a new partner. This is a guy who cheated on his wife, self absorbed, into hunting, looks puffy and spaced out. Has kids by two different women.

I was feeling quite down and my sister showed me a recent photo of Ben Affleck. She asked me, do you think Jennifer Garner is comparing herself to his new GF? Ben Affleck can be the poster child for MLC. He looks identical to my former H in expressions and appearance. He is a movie star and yet I think a lot of women would not touch him in this state.

I was talking to a neighbor who works in neurology. He said even a very very small event can cause this. Scans can't measure issues with chemistry and synapses. He said there was a patient, female in her sisxties, who experienced tiny tiny brain event (almost to point of barely registering). He said she experienced such extreme disinhibition and hyoersexuality that she openly discussed S&M to group of residents who had come to observe her.

I think all of us have tried the contact route and for various reasons observe that it does not help us or the MLC spouse.

[heroIam]

Mine went NC 2 weeks after BD which was almost 2 years ago.
I immediately flooded him with requests for contact.  That didn't work so I dropped down to the occasional contact. That didn't work. So I went dim, then dark.  I then up'd it to more-than-occasional contact thinking I could break the rules, what did I have to lose? I already lost it.   

Nothing - nothing -no reply - no response - absolutely nothing from husband until he emailed me that he had filed for divorce

In my personal opinion, my efforts with contact were meant to try to send the olive branch, get response, have a say, get through, pave a way.  I've concluded for myself that the effect of contact vs. no contact is just going to be a huge mystery.  I say this because  I've also come to believe that no matter what we do, or don't do, we cannot change the MLC spouse or alter the course of their crisis. 

So why would I try any measure to control the outcome?    I thought about it this morning  (of course I think about his ghost every day!).  If he is inclined to find peace with me, he will make the contact.  I have to be confident in that respect, otherwise I am just playing my hand to try to influence him.  I've also concluded that there's no such thing as contact without expectation because otherwise, why do it?

So will he "forget about me" if I don't send the occasional contact?   I guess he might.  So should I do it to cause him to "not to forget me"?  Well, if he wanted to forget me and I continue to contact, then how have I improved my plight? 

It's been 9 months since his divorce now.  I think about contacting him again from time to time, but I can't do it without expectation, so I continue on with my own healing and NC. 

Just rambling....
CallingHeart...

CH,
I think I would have to agree with you here. 
Very well said.

[in it]

I'm 4 years and 4 months NC and all I can say is I'm happier without him than I ever was with him.

 I had no idea what kind of misery I was living in for more than half of the relationship, which is where he wanted me stuck in his misery. I don't miss him one bit.

NC was implemented by me because if I didn't?

All it would do talking to him and dealing with him do is make the DV incident invalid.

[in it]

Found Online:

You are grieving the death of the relationship. You don’t know what to do and not to do, what to think and not to think. Thoughts, thoughts, you are asking yourself a lot of questions. The answers, the answers aren’t satisfactory. Why? Why? Questions, questions but the answers aren’t comforting or plausible. Should you be happy you broke up with your partner or the relationship came to an end? No, you aren’t really happy the relationship came to an end. Should you try to get back your ex, to revive the relationship or should you move on?

What about the emotional pain? You are hurting. The pain, the pain is enormous trying to articulate it in words is next to impossible. Why me? You keep asking yourself. What did I do to deserve this? You are unsure if you will ever heal from the hurt. You feel you’re the only one experiencing the pain and you’re convinced no one will help you to heal and recover from the breakup. All you need is your ex, to feel the warmth of the relationship. No, what you’re wishing is for the ground to swallow you.

What should you do? You need to apply the No Contact Rule. It might be hard to put into effect this rule. You might think No Contact rule is something that cannot work out; you will not benefit from it. This is not the case. There are benefits to be derived when you employ this rule.

What Is No Contact Rule?

No Contact means you are not going to initiate any form of contact or communication. You are not going to get in touch with your ex in whatever form until you benefit from applying this rule.

Consequently, No Contact means:

You are not going to initiate any form of call or text – both normal calls and texts and online calls and texts such as Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook and through other social media sites.

No stalking your ex. You are not going to act like a hunter trailing your ex through social media sites and physically. You are not going to spend your time tracking your ex because you’re desperate and needy.

No accidental bumping. They aren’t accidental bumping but intended bumping. The reason they are called accidental bumping is because when you meet your ex face-to-face you’ll give out a lot of stammering excuses and convince him and yourself it’s an accidental bumping.

Don’t frequent spots you know you won’t miss your ex because he likes visiting those places. It is not that you want to talk to him but the sight of him in order to feel you’re still together with him or to ‘kill’ the loneliness you feel. You feel a little bit satisfied by carrying out this action.

No using your mutual friends to get information about your ex. You are doing this to gain more information such as whether he has a new girlfriend, whether he is thinking of getting back with you or he no longer wants to see you.
Some conditions may warrant you to initiate contact or respond to your ex’s texts and/or calls. In case of an emergency or there is an urgent message you need to deliver to your ex, don’t refrain from telling him. If he sends you an emergent text, do respond. However, ensure the communication doesn’t revolve on the failed relationship.

It is imperative to note there is a difference between No Contact and Limited Contact. If you contact your ex for a few days or less than two weeks, then it cannot be said you’re applying No Contact. In essence, you’re implementing Limited Contact.

[1phoenix]

In it,


What to me is so truly spot on, is that you do not get in touch until you have benefitted from the no contact.

The timeline will be different for everyone, but once you have benefitted from no contact, does it become a way of life for one  so that there is not an  attempt to re-establish
contact?  Does it become punishment towards the other?

Very curious to see responses to this.