[denjef31]

My3Girls,

He still wants to control you! Everything he does is for attention. He doesn't see you, you don't talk so he reaches out in immature ways to insert himself as much as he can into your life. He has physically moved on but not mentally. I would anticipate that he does bring OW, one so she won't nag, and the other reason is to get you to feel something. As long as you are and or angry and you are screaming or cursing him out he knows he still has wiggle room and he still can manipulate the situation.

When you get quiet, cut off contact, truly don't give a rat's a$$  what we do and with whom we get scared. That's why he is doing all this. He doesn't know exactly why he is doing this, he knows he feels something but what he doesn't know. He needs to figure this out and only then will he stop.

Denjef31

[denjef31]

Butterfly,

Oh your H is spinning wheels and burning rubber too fast. This is perhaps the stupidest thing he will do and it's all script! He already in so many words have told you that you are his soulmate and the other woman is trash. So why is he doing this? Because he feels he must, he still stuck in escape and avoid. This OW is another casualty of his MLC and I am pretty confident if he actually goes thru with with this, it will not last.
 
He sounds very weak and impressionable and he is doing this only to please her. This sounds like a teenager looking for love and guidance and they will do whatever you ask just don't take the love away. He is dependent on her the fog is still thick Butterfly. The good thing is you are hearing from the real man inside but the teenager is very much in control of the vessel right now. Butterfly I don't know if you believe in God but pray to him, ask him to convict your H, and ask god to release your H from captivity. He is very much a prisoner in his own body right now. You can't do anything for him but pray and step aside. This is within and this is a spiritual battle. I don't like bringing up God and spiritual battle but I get the sense right now this what you must do and don't let up.

Denjef31

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My3Girls,

He still wants to control you! Everything he does is for attention. He doesn't see you, you don't talk so he reaches out in immature ways to insert himself as much as he can into your life. He has physically moved on but not mentally. I would anticipate that he does bring OW, one so she won't nag, and the other reason is to get you to feel something. As long as you are and or angry and you are screaming or cursing him out he knows he still has wiggle room and he still can manipulate the situation.

When you get quiet, cut off contact, truly don't give a rat's a$$  what we do and with whom we get scared. That's why he is doing all this. He doesn't know exactly why he is doing this, he knows he feels something but what he doesn't know. He needs to figure this out and only then will he stop.

Denjef31

Thanks for your help.  Apparently he is coming by himself, she's staying. He made it Facebook official. She's not coming with him. I just want this to be over. I really want this to be over. The kids and I don't need this right now. We really don't.

But, I do believe that he's still trying to maintain control. The girls aren't happy, and are now on edge. We just want to be able to move forward in peace. This has gone on long enough. He keeps texting the girls like he's never left. Like things haven't changed. My YD asked him why he was coming back to the place he hated. His reponse: things change, and he has big plans. WTH!?

I don't contact, and haven't had anything other than short answers to any communication he's tried since September. I really have gone "ghost". He's the one trying to maintain contact. I did have to contact him over the deposit last month. Sent him and my lawyer a joint email. I really have tried to be the Vanisher. I don't react, I just respond. No more no less.

I have only one more question for you. Is there any indication of him coming to the end of himself? I've had enough, I really have.

Thanks for all of your help. I really appreciate it.

[denjef31]

My3Girls,

Hmm very interesting that he is leaving OW behind. This could be nothing, or it also could signal a change of dynamics. I think you will possibly find the answer to your question when he arrives. His behavior and intent will become more clear at this point. I can tell this visit really has you on edge. Try to remember you are always in control.  Keep me posted.

Denjef31

[bluerose]

Hi denjef,
          I was wondering if the way the kids handle the situation with the mlcer has an impact on all this. My kids s21, s19 and d12 have never met the ow. They refuse. I will not allow d12 to, not that she wants to anyway. S21 does nc with h. S19 was in contact but would fight with h more than anything. D12 told h 2 months ago that she did not want to talk to or see him. This happened after she called him and confronted him about things that were bothering her and ge brushed her off.
       H has also started changing friends again. S19 tells me with some not very good people. He moved 35 miles away from us but comes back to our town to see these people. Not his kids. I think he might be working up to another touch and go. Anything you can offer up as advice or opinion is appreciated.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

My3Girls,

Hmm very interesting that he is leaving OW behind. This could be nothing, or it also could signal a change of dynamics. I think you will possibly find the answer to your question when he arrives. His behavior and intent will become more clear at this point. I can tell this visit really has you on edge. Try to remember you are always in control.  Keep me posted.

Denjef31

He actually had the nerve to ask me if I was serious about the NC. I didn't dignify that with a response. Each time I had engaged him in the past, he tried to prolong the conversation by blaming me for something. I put a stop to that in September. I'm curious as to why he asked if I was serious. He also now wants to help me, if he can, with an issue concerning the car. His doing of course, but only he can take care of it. It's still in his name, and he waited to give me Power of Attorney after the fact.

I'm on edge because my kids are. He picked the day before what would have been our 22nd anniversary to return, which also happens to be 9 days before MD 17th birthday. We're tired of these disruptions to say the least.

Thanks again for your help. I know you've been through a lot. I hope by helping all of us, it is helping you as well.

[Mmtl2015]

Hi Den
I know many have said it. You are a true inspiration. Amazing strength and a huge heart for coming here. I haven't posted here in a long while. Became a more a lurker.

My XW left July 2015. My 2 daughters haven't seen her since August 2015. They are 14 and 16 now. XW was the mother of the year and overnight to worst mother.
XW has sent a total of 12 messages to them over this time. All messages about her and blaming them.

I only have contact with her when updating about the girls. Which 2017 I have since stopped as I find it pointless.

She did have a few weeks in Nov 2016 saying that we ( me and the girls) shouldn't of just let her go. We should have stopped her if we really loved her.  She said we should of went to marriage therapy to save our couple. I know it would of not helped as she was too manic back then with all the weight loss, finding herself, texting, hair changes, tattoos, spending money and of course OM. Moving in with him 3 weeks after meeting him on the internet.

She still choses to live an hour away with toothless OM.
I continue to love my girls and be the best father I can.

Question for you. When you had your moments of clarity. Did all the memories of the bad things you did during your MLC flood back in or much of it is still forgotten even today ?

Hope you are well. It's still not easy for you I'm sure.

[heroIam]

Den,
I've always been skeptical if my H is in MLC.  And maybe even a woman's MLC is very different from a man's MLC.  Idk.   It would be great to hear your opinions about that.  I've posted recently (The Grass is Green Right Here)- about my thinking of actually starting to date.  I don't plan on divorce at all.  But I refuse to live the rest of my life waiting (which I equate to standing, but many will disagree with me and that's OK).  So, can I get your thoughts about that?  Again, although I am very grateful my H doesn't initiate a D or pulls the plug on financial responsibility, I have to reiterate.....I DO NOT believe it is because of me.  I think it suits him and keeps him from ever facing me with either a D or reconciliation. Easier to stay hidden and keep the benefits of marriage.   He is a total avoidant.  And I believe he now has a new life with OW even though I cannot say for sure.  But it doesn't matter.  I want to live and love again.  And for me that means having intimacy in my life and sharing it with a significant other.  You said in your response to me here that I should live my life fully.  For me, living fully includes a companion, lover, intimate partner.  I prefer my H but evidently, he isn't available.

Any words of wisdom about this?

[Abiding InGrace]

Denjef thank you for sharing your journey and experiences. i was just handed papers yesterday by my husband. your  statement about divorce not mean it is over or that he has no love for me but that it's buried. just read one of your responses about how you get scared when there is no response. he keeps asking me or making the statement that i will get emotional or am i emotional now. he called me earlier n was ranting n wen he got done he asked me are you being emotional now? no. why? because you're quiet. youre not saying anything you're not yelling or cussing you're just quiet. i said you were talking his reply was welli'm done now. ok. ok well i'm going. k bye click. i rarely give him chance to hang up on me any more n i thin it bugs him to no end that i have no outward reactions to him handing me divorce  papers.

[denjef31]

My3Girls,

He asked are you serious because he doesn't understand what your problem is with him. He has not accepted his role in the breakdown of your marriage, coparenting, or just communication at all. Let me know he the visit goes. 


Denjef31