[Songanddance]

"You're too controlling" so I stopped and it  became "I wish you'd take control"

I could force you to sell the house even though I don't want to sell up; I like it here

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

[Dragonfly33]

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

This is really firetrucked up! Mine said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore because we were not compatible. We have different cultures. As if it came as a surprise. He also said I could sleep with other men and he was so sure that there so many men on street waiting to sleep with me. He denied saying this and accused me of making it up. That’s classic gaslighting.

[Ready2Transform]

"You promised to (financially) support me!" that turned to "You emasculated me by making money!". @BD I could do nothing right, apparently.
"(OW) and I were discussing it, and we think you should be making more money." pre-BD His "friend" wasn't my financial advisor, thank God.
"I know I'm going to have to pay my own bills now, and believe me, it's a bitter pill to swallow." after he moved to his mother's, where he paid no bills.  He stopped contributing to our household long before he moved out.
"This is how I eat now." while gesturing like a Price is Right model at his plate of IHOP chicken and waffles. I replied, "Only in America is honey mustard a breakfast dish." He got angry and said, "WELL I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT!" to which I replied, "Only in America is honey mustard a garnish."  This was a year after he'd moved out and thankfully I was in a more detached place.

These are just a tiny few that are coming to mind right now. I'm sure I could sit here and do this all day, if I dig into the memory bank and my journals. "Believe nothing they say and half of what they do" is the best advice you'll get when you first start posting here. It could not be more true.

I will always adore this one though:

When we had our major blow-up on the phone when he finally admitted to the affair, it was about 3 months after he'd moved out but of course the affair had gone on far longer. A lot was said during this, including some primal screams from me, lol. The neighbors probably thought I was birthing something. But during this one of the things I yelled at him was, "What about her kids? What about her HUSBAND? Didn't you think of any of them?" or something very similar. Something a normal person would say in regards to two married people blowing up two marriages while dressed in Little House on the Prairie clothes (they were fellow historical reenactors, for newbies. LOL Sit with that visual as long as you need). Fight went on, time passed, blah blah. MONTHS later, probably about three if memory serves, he's at the house one day (as he was frequently - total clinging boomerang at that time) and says all happy-like, "Oh hey, I meant to tell you! (OW's husband) has a girlfriend!". And he is standing there all smiley like he's waiting for me to hug him or something. I was understandably miffed and a little pissed off honestly, and said, "Why the F would I care if he has a girlfriend?!". And he got mad and yelled, "Well I knew you were worried about him!! So I wanted to let you know it all worked out and everyone had somebody!". I said, "You mean...except me? Right?!" and he got a confused look on his face (he had told me prior that I wasn't a person, I was a limb that needed to be cut off to "save the rest of himself" so any reminder that I had agency was usually met with something like that).

So I guess what we say does take root somewhere, but in their broken brains, it certainly doesn't MEAN anything. At least not for mine. The fact that he didn't take it as a moral evaluation of his actions, but instead that I was doing social work and trying to follow up about OW's family is still amusing to me, but that day as a stander it really, really sucked. I remember crying for a really long time because I knew his brain was fried. It was scary. But now I can laugh again. We have to find ways to find absurdity in all of this and regain our own sanity from being gaslighted and manipulated. Don't let this break you down. Do whatever you can to save yourself and put that oxygen mask on.


 

[xyzcf]

Oh hey, I meant to tell you! (OW's husband) has a girlfriend!". And he is standing there all smiley like he's waiting for me to hug him or something. I was understandably miffed and a little pissed off honestly, and said, "Why the F would I care if he has a girlfriend?!". And he got mad and yelled, "Well I knew you were worried about him!! So I wanted to let you know it all worked out and everyone had somebody!"

You just CANNOT make these up!

[Ready2Transform]

You just CANNOT make these up!

It's a testament to the fact that we try to tell people to "be prepared for anything". But the truth is, you won't know what "anything" is until it happens because there is nothing rational about what they say and do. You just can't be totally prepared for the bizarre things you'll experience from someone you knew like the back of your hand! Don't waste time trying to get in their minds because you really don't want to be in there.

And I remembered the time I asked him if he'd like a bottle of water and yelled, "NO!!!!", ran out of my house, jumped into his car, and drove away. 

[MadLuv]

I think also as you learn more and look back in hindsight it is even more baffling!!
My XH telling me he didn’t want to get his OW a bday gift because he didnt want to give her the wrong idea . On a phone call with me on the way to pick her up to go on a vacation to get married. That then a week later he said he cried every night after she went to sleep because he missed his family.

10 months later he tells our daughter he got married. She is the only one still he has told. Their 1 year anniversary is next week.  Crazy!!

[Ready2Transform]

I think also as you learn more and look back in hindsight it is even more baffling!!
My XH telling me he didn’t want to get his OW a bday gift because he didnt want to give her the wrong idea . On a phone call with me on the way to pick her up to go on a vacation to get married. That then a week later he said he cried every night after she went to sleep because he missed his family.

10 months later he tells our daughter he got married. She is the only one still he has told. Their 1 year anniversary is next week.  Crazy!!

The remarriage lie is a whole other layer. Know that it's script though to keep it a secret (compartmentalizing at its finest? Or worst. ). Mine married OW years ago but had already told people she was his wife (moved to a new town, whole new circle of friends). I learned from FB, but I'm sure I'm not the only one! When they signed my quit claim deed, she signed with two different names - first names.  The county sent it back to them to correct. Neither one of them is cooking with grease. But I'm sure that's when they think I learned they were married. It was a long time before that.

Then of course a few years later he filed for Catholic annulment from me...and he's not Catholic (or at least, never was). OW isn't either. So he REALLY wanted to be even more divorced.  The plot thickens! lol

[Tsun]

Wow, wow, wow 

I'm still in the early stages, but I got:

"It's not you, it's me," 5 minutes later "You never did this, you never did that, you, you, you.."
"Our s will be happy when I'm happy."
"I just want to be free to do what I want."
"I'm scared of you."
"I'm not happy."
"You don't like deployments."
"You know I'm not a deceitful person."
"I'm a good father and you can never tell me otherwise."
"I really wish we could have resolved this without lawyers, we'd both be better off" (after I too hire a lawyer)

[Songanddance]

I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be married......

This is really firetrucked up! Mine said he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore because we were not compatible. We have different cultures. As if it came as a surprise. He also said I could sleep with other men and he was so sure that there so many men on street waiting to sleep with me. He denied saying this and accused me of making it up. That’s classic gaslighting.

Oh I had the sleeping with other men too. In his BD letter (that's how he told me) he suggested that we could have an open marriage in which I could sleep with my male colleagues (as I got on so well with them) and he could carry on with OW!!

My H was really fire-trucked up. The early months of his R with OW included spending family time with her H and her children.  Her H apparently said to my H - " You're welcome to her - I can't make her happy." and they would sit and watch films together or go for meals together........   H would then come home and tell me about how dysfunctional the whole situation was and her children were nutters!    It beggars belief! 

[Dragonfly33]

Songdance, it never ceases to surprise me how firetrucked up their brain is. If one hasn't experienced this personally, one would not believe it.