Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Anon on December 17, 2018, 11:21:03 AM
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It seems that these MLC affairs can last a long time but most do eventually fail even if it's many years. Is there a massive blow-up or is it more a slow decline in interest? A gradual awareness that the relationship doesn't 'fit' them anymore especially as MLC progresses? Or does guilt and disgust at themselves take over at some point?
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I am wondering the same. My w's OP may or may not be in the picture. She states that she ended it but it's hard to tell. It seems like in my W's case it is a slow process. I have heard of some that break it off pretty quick. My W seems like she is over him however he is ready to let go.
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Anon, this probably won't give you any real answer but from what I seen it can be either way.
Some kind of snap out of it and realize their with someone the really don't care about, while others very slowly realize it.
There is just no norm. I suppose it depends on the MLCer and the dynamics of their relationship. I sure don't know.
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My H's OW2 was started and stopped many many times. He hit rock bottom hard before it completely ended for good 6 years later.
Before he had started it up with OW2 (the very first time) her he says he broke it off with OW#1 because he knew it was wrong.........
Not sure there is really an answer to your question Anon.
(hugs)
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Not sure there is really an answer to your question Anon.
Or maybe there are just many, many answers? :D :P :D 8) :'( :D :o...
It's a great question--not least because it could bring together some fascinating study material in one convenient thread.
I have a theory that some affairs fail because the MLCer starts to grow up but their AD is a permanent teenager. Of course, if the AD is also an MLCer, either one could grow up before the other? I dunno!
Just for the record of course, it's way, way too early at this point for any adulting in xH's La La Land. :P
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There are several cases here where the MLCer and alienator's lifestyle is a factor, ie they run out of money and the MLCer wants to go back to a more comfortable place, if the LBS allows. I don't think many have a moral epiphany.
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It can one, or several of those things or it can be something else. There isn't one reason fits all.
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I agree that there are no simple answers. As long as a piece of string.
And sometimes of course they don't end.
I guess, put simply, they end when one or the other feels their needs are no longer being met by it, whatever those are. Or maybe the cost outweighs the benefits. If we believe in MLC, I suppose logically the MLCers needs change perhaps if they resolve the issues at the heart of their own crisis. But of course if thevaffair ends, that doesn't mean they will look to reconnect either.
So, complete crapshoot as Ready would say.
Maybe more usefully, I think as an LBS if we find ourselves focusing on it, it is a messsage about where our head and assumptions or expectations may be perhaps given that we don't control this at all. And work we need to still do in our own healing and moving forward.
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Originally I always thought that Hs OW would be the one to end it, as he shows her so little respect and is still more focused on me. He has been unfaithful to her. So I assumed that she would end it. OW used to (I’m not sure if she still does as I no longer look) but OW used to post lots of quotes about being a strong woman etc. Completely contradicting her actions.
My H and OW have been together almost a year now and they have split up 3 times in that year. From what I can gage from H (I could be wrong) on the three occasions they have ended one was due to his unfaithfulness I’m not sure on the other two. OW has forgiven H in less than a day and they have been back together. But I know H needs a strong woman who will stand up to him. He had that with me ha. So I think that will be how my H and OW will end
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Its a good question Anon as are your others but you are reading way too much into everything. The R normally Ends at some Point, some marry the OP, some dont.
Even if the R Ends, it doesnt mean that the MLCer Returns home.
My WX and OM have split twice in 2 years. XW and I never had real Argument in over 20 years.
I am confident that my XW and OM have no future together, the real Version of XW would not look at this guy twice or take him seriously.
I have a Feeling that since im with somebody else that XW is Kind of stuck with OM. She cant admit that it was a mistake because I am no longer available and she cannot be alone. She doesnt live with OM and hes away most weeks from tueday to Friday but she still has somebody.
XW is making a real go of it with the Boys but it all means nothing to me.
You HAVE to live as though they are never coming back. Over analysing everthing will make you crazy and stuck yourself. By the time you realize that its really over then you will look back at years of wasted time. You only get one life so live it and accept the Situation for what it is.
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I have read that the relationship cant just fizzle out, but I am not sure if I believe that. My H had been with AD for about 10 mos. H started a new job on 12/17/18 and works longer hours. He sees OW only on Saturday nights. His day off is Wed and he doesn't even see her then. 12/31/18, they broke up and were back together the next day. On 2/20/19, there must have been a fight and on 2/23/19 he posted he was single. Now back to the fizzle out part of this post. How can OP not catch on? Its like he has no interest in her but she keeps hanging on- she is insecure and immature if not in her own MLC.
He doesn't post anything about her on IG or FB.
When he posts pics she is never in them.
He sent her VDay flowers and she posted how lucky she is to have him and that the flowers are beautiful. His reply was yes they are pretty -the flowers nothing about her.
He has stated that he will not marry her or move in with her (10/31/18)
He has never introduced the kids to her. If I was dating someone for 9 mos & never met his kids that would be a red flag.
He doesn't make time for her except for Saturdays
His FB and IG still shows single
It was her bday 3/3/19 they were out together and he posted nothing but she posted a lot of pics. She's insecure and by posting it makes her feel better. Its like she doesn't want to see the truth that he is using her. No Happy bday post or pic of the two of them.
So I feel that a relationship can fizzle out. It is like he is treating her badly so she will break it off so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. It is as if he is done with her. That she does not give him the high she did in the past. His attention since the end of December has turned to our kids. So can it just fizzle out? I want to say yes! Does he have the strength to break away, I don't think he does at this time.
Look forward to hearing from others.
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have read that the relationship cant just fizzle out, but I am not sure if I believe that.
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I do believe it absolutely "fizzles out". I am not sure that for every single MLCer the affair person is all that important . I do believe some are extremely addicted to the OW and clings to them like crack cocaine. It did not appear that way with my husbands affair. Or your husbands . Mine sometimes never saw her for a couple of weeks, never moved in with her and has said " she was better than being alone". He never spent tons of money on her, never took her near family or friends and seemed to get "rid of her " very very easily. My husband told the therapist that when his OW told him that she "loved him" ..he remembers thinking "love"... WTF? " and it started to "wake him up ". So he says . Limerance does phase out .
http://joebeam.com/blog/limerence
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Barbiedoll-
Thank you so much for acknowledging my thoughts and also for the link. I found it very interesting!
"She was better than being alone" I find that statement to be true and I think that is exactly where he is at. She gives him an out on a Saturday night and he uses her for sexual pleasure. I think there are no or very little feelings for her. He just needs to get stronger to pull away from her. I am happy to see that he has somewhat moved his attention to the kids. Spending more time with them may help him see they are more important to him than his AD. Time will tell.
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I think there are no or very little feelings for her.
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What I learned and I belive 100% is this : It was NEVER about how my husband felt about her. It was far more about how he felt about himself when he was with her .
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Great topic...I am sure that many LBS’s will find this thread very interesting.
My ExH and the OW have been together for just over 4 years. She is 15 years his junior and they are currently engaged. She has ostracised him from his kids, his family and some long term friends. I believe that they are still soul mates and are blissfully happy? I don’t hear much as I am not interested in what they are up to. My kids are my priority atm.
I have read statistically that relationships that start as affairs do not last. It is often assumed and written that a couple who met illicitly will never truly trust each other, because as the age old saying goes once a cheat always a cheat. I have also read that couples lacking history and strong ties such as children are much more likely to go their separate ways. Are these statements true...well my jury is out. Nothing appears to be predicable with a Mlcer.
I do believe that the affair relationship is lust and not love. In my case it is two damaged individuals feeding off each others egos and hurting others. One would assume that this behaviour is not healthy and one cannot to continue that mentality. I guess with our knowledge of MLC many of us await for the Mlcers awakening...if that will even happen?
I have recently read the following article which comments further
https://www.divorcesource.com/blog/when-marriages-begin-as-affairs/
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Barbiedoll - Thankyou for sharing the Joe Beam article. Just Wow...I have saved this for future reading again....especially when I am having a bad day. I have read similiar articles previously but had forgotten about Limerance and the addiction feeling.
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In my case OM1 lasted only a few months after bomb drop, he was an old boyfriend that dumped her to go to Australia 33 years ago. Well he dumped her again in favour of a younger Thai woman ( I wonder why). She was heart broken apparently.
OM2 she took out of a 33 year marriage and their still together 6 years later, perhaps it will last, perhaps not, I don’t care anymore. She’s not married and has more prospects and money than him so I don’t see it happening. Once a cheater always a cheater applies o them both I think.
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Hope - the relationship you just described is the same as my H and his Ow. Honestly if I didn’t know any better I would say it was the same person LOL. OW has not met my kids and I don’t tho k she had asked too. I am also putting the stop to this due to Ow has shown signs of being unstable and has slagged my children off calling them feral so until I get an apology it’s a no go. But then I also think if it was that much of a must I would have already received my apology. H had mentioned he may need to move in with OW on a very round about way however that’s more due to his brother (who he lives with now) loosing the house and needing somewhere smaller. So it’s more a convince thing than a case of taking the relationship to the next level type thing.
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Interesting thread. I think affairs can fizzle out but with a MLC that can take years or never happen since the MLCer has no courage or strength to change things in his life.
My H and OW are 5 years together. In theory, limerance should be over by now. I have heard that they fight a lot. I know that they have broken up and gotten back together several times. They live in different countries, which I think suits my MLCer and probably keeps the relationship exciting. Then again, if two people are in love, doesn't one of them move to their love's country and be with them full time? If you're in love, you just want to be with that person, no? So there's something not quite right between H and OW.
Once when H and OW broke up, he told his L that OW was crazy. A week later, he was off to OW land to be with her. I believe my H is in a such a mess financially and emotionally that he could be persuaded by OW to marry her, especially if H should no longer have enough money to rent a place here and fly back and forth. Right now, we're not divorced so he can't marry her. One day, who knows. I don't put it past him, but I'm certain it will be a marriage from hell if he does.
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Interesting read,
I just found out the O/M my wife is seeing is married. She talked about him as a person like me. Who's wife just doesn't love him anymore LOL. As i'm sure you might have heard before they can't control who they fall in love with and when right ?????
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As i'm sure you might have heard before they can't control who they fall in love with and when right ?????
Hahaha... Such a weak justification. Trying to make lies and betrayal into something beautiful. Typical.
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Has anyone see The Favourite?
I went when it first came out and I loved it for its black humour. People who watch it seem to fall into two camps - either love it or hate it.
A third of the way in, I realised it was all about an affair. To me it was anyway. And it showed the whole progression - how the alienator insinuates herself, how she exploits the cracks in the main relationship, the growing tension in the main relationship, and lightness of the budding affair... It was really interesting. And then in the end, the affair partners are locked in a death grip of mutual resentment and need, while the main character pines after their LBS, now exiled.
I came out of that movie feeling really good.
But it might be overly romantic to say this is how affairs end. I think affairs end the way relationships do. Boredom, routine, strife. But I think in cases where the affair partners have sacrificed to be with each other, they stay stuck together longer. I might be extrapolating from my circumstances, but I can see my H staying with OW forever because he's destroyed so much to be with her, he'll need to justify it. Some men are big enough to say they've made a mistake, but I don't think my H is one of them :( :'(
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This is an interesting question and one I have to admit has taken up way to much energy and head space for me.
In my case OW is a massive part of the situation as H is living with her, takes our children to her house to stay and is flaunting her (bringing her to our area, to the same places and engineering meetings between us).
She is a massive affair down- 10 years older (looks older than she is), 2 failed marriages, 4 kids, a grandchild, different religion, different culture, no education or intelligence - academic or in life, worked as a cleaner in his business and is not someone I would have thought he would have looked twice at pre MLC.
Hope 2018 and Barbie I wish I could say my H's relationship with his AD was similar to your situation. But it is the opposite. He is living with her as if she is his wife. He lives in her home, sleeps on a single mattress on the floor with her, is flaunting her to the world and particularly to me, made declarations of love to her on social media, is forcing her on the children (almost like she is taking my place as their mother) and in initial messages I found around BD he was talking about making happy memories with her and a future. He has also forced her on his immediate family (have had to meet her in order to keep in touch with their son/brother and the children) and is very upset that his extended family arent accepting her. He has taken on all of her friends and family as his own. He didnt have many of his own friends when he was with me and so mine became his to.
Due to his abandonment issues and low self worth he is doing everything he can to please her so she wont leave him or wont stop praising him. He does all the cooking for her and her kids, all the ironing, takes breakfast up to bed for her kids and lots of other things. He did things like this for me to as its his way of showing his love but also because of his need to be needed. The difference is that because she is needy and hasnt had much anything he does is amazing to her. Although I appreciated what H did for me I saw it as a partnership and did things things for him to although differently and the main thing is that I didnt need him. His role with OW is definitely as knight in shining armor. I'd like to think that he doesnt need to do much for her as her expectations are lower and thats what I believe keeps him there as of course I didnt appreciate, need or love him as much as she does ???. Therefore I cant see her leaving him and if he tries to end it...she will be clinging on for dear life.
He is in soo deep with her and her kids and her life that I have no idea how it could ever just fizzle out. But shes soo opposite and unacceptable to the norm I also dont see how it could last in the long run.
I dont know how long the relationship has been going on for pre BD but its been 18 months since BD and 15 months of living together.
Does anyone else have a situation like this? I have read that however tangled up in OW mess they are and how ever much they have bought into true luv/soul mate....when the addiction is not as strong and the fog has cleared they do end it with OW and have no problem walking away.
I would love to know if "how addicted and in luv they are with OW" affects how long the relationship lasts for and if they are more likely to marry them??
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Its a good question Anon as are your others but you are reading way too much into everything.
Anon, I hope you continue to ask questions. That's how you learn. And, IMO, you've been asking good questions.
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Milly,
You have stated you agree that relationships can just fizzle out but that can take a long time due to MLC. Agree! I also think that most come thru MLC and at one point they will reach their “awakening” and gain the strength to break it off. I also believe the main factor is if they “think” they can go home. Is the LBS standing or are they divorced? It will take a lot more to leave a relationship If they “think” they don’t have anyone waiting for them. So how do we change this?
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Bewildered-
I am sorry to hear that you H is living with his AD! 15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live. Don’t you think that he will eventually see that his prior life is much better than how he is living now? Give it time he will eventually have some clarity and come to his senses. The AD is just that, beneath you! She is a nobody. He may want you to think life is great with her, but you know in your heart that it is not. How can it be? I will send a prayer your way!
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I would not pin my hopes on things ending with the affair, or for a full recovery following the affair. Please, take a close look at your spouse's family history. I think this will tell you all you need to know about the likely trajectory of what may happen.
While MLC affairs may have some overlap with other types of affairs, they also differ quite strikingly when it comes to manic/euphoric behavior, lack of empathy, radical changes to personality and behavior, and calculated cruelty toward the spouse. These are abnormal behaviors that signify something beyond just being swept up in escapism.
My ex has now been involved in some way with his OW for at least six years. This is a long-term relationship. I just wrote on another thread that I think that many of these MLCers feel a type of "satisfaction" that we would not equate with happiness. I think most of us truly do not want a relationship with a disordered person who has mistreated us.
Unfortunately, OW is a major symptom that masks the condition and also makes it possible for it to continue. Yet there is also the factor that many of us have seen quite clearly, that our spouses have radically changed, and in this new form — to them — OW brings more (likely low bar) "satisfaction" that they crave.
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I have read statistically that relationships that start as affairs do not last. It is often assumed and written that a couple who met illicitly will never truly trust each other, because as the age old saying goes once a cheat always a cheat.
Yep, and RCR puts it beautifully: "The relationship isn't built on mutual respect and trust; rather it is superficial and thus doomed for failure."
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I think another major factor is OW/OW finding someone more needy.
I do feel that in my case Ow will leave H. Many aspects of Hs life are better with Ow. He has more free time. He has more money etc etc as he works with OW she give him extra overtime. He has much more money now than when we were together as of course as a family of 5 we had many more overheads. But OW has a history of starting things with people in relationships at work etc and being Ow to everybody ha! So I think should someone else come on the scene she would jump ship
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Unfortunately, OW is a major symptom that masks the condition and also makes it possible for it to continue.
I do agree that the other person is often a symptom. However, like all other complex relationships, there are many reasons why the relationship exists, continues, and falls apart.
My new wife's ex cheated on her and married OW. He has cheated on his new wife but they have stayed married. He is getting older and is in his upper 60's now.
My ex has supposedly broken up with OM. I don't know and I don't care. I heard that throughout the time she was with me. In counseling, she told her that she was no longer seeing him. Yep, that was a lie. In fact she was seeing him while we were together. He definitely has a pull on her.
One thing I can state is neither are in a state of bliss. In some situations, they feel stuck with the other person, they may break up but they don't come back either. It's a lot to suck it up and admit you are wrong.
Other times, they have children with the OP. This really complicates matters.
However, most relationships built on a foundation of sand collapse because there was no substance to the relationship to begin with. The money runs out, the reality of life sinks in and the euphoria is replaced with the same issues that created the affair.
For both, the critical point is that neither confront and resolve the issues that haunt them both. They just move on to the next relationship seeking the euphoria that is fleeting.
And others realize what they left and make the mental effort to return and repair.
(((Hugs )))
Ready
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Bewildered-
I am sorry to hear that you H is living with his AD! 15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live. Don’t you think that he will eventually see that his prior life is much better than how he is living now? Give it time he will eventually have some clarity and come to his senses. The AD is just that, beneath you! She is a nobody. He may want you to think life is great with her, but you know in your heart that it is not. How can it be? I will send a prayer your way!
Thanks for your prayers Hope2018.
Bewildered-
15 months and sleeping on a single mattress on the floor is no way to live.
And this is the man who didnt like to stay in hotel rooms because he couldnt sleep on any other mattress but ours.....
I dont have much access to what his life is now apart from what little bits the kids share with me. I dont ask them much as its better I dont know but on the other hand want to know about the environment they are staying in.
Unfortunately what I hear is that addiction is still pretty strong...so strong that he puts her and her family before his own children. Its completely opposite to the comfortable life he had with us but as any other addict he seems to keep returning for the high however bad it is. I also believe becasue its so in contrast to his previous life........where he was brought up according to strict culture and in family where you had to be perfect and follow social norms and even in our marriage had to live up to high expectations from our families to be responsible and follow a certain path....the life he is living now there are no expectations. Its the opposite where he feels he wont be judged for doing the immoral things hes doing, surrounded by people who validate these wrong doings and accept them. Its exactly what they say happens with limerence- the changing of own core beliefs and long held values to fit with what they are doing. He is wearing a mask with OW and is the opposite of who he was with her.
I agree with Velika and wouldn’t pin my hopes on this ending anytime soon as I think H would stay for satisfaction rather than happiness. Unless he switches back to old H...just not sure he will ever find the courage or strength to pull himself together as it would easier just to stay as who he is now with OW.
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Unless he switches back to old H...just not sure he will ever find the courage or strength to pull himself together as it would easier just to stay as who he is now with OW.
Most of them left in a cowardly fashion, right? They needed an affair partner for a soft pillow to land on, instead of standing up and facing their issues, b/c let's face it, it usually has nothing to do with us or the marriage. It's all about them.
So what's going on over "there"?, my best educated guess (and I have more proof than I ever wanted, usually a mutual friend, acquaintance, family member etc, tells me things before I have a chance to politely let them know, I don't need or want to know),... it's a mess. Geez, seven years ago, yes seven, he described her as "controlling' to his co-workers, she wanted them to go to couples counseling while we were still married!! ::). Two years ago in a rare conversation he told me that he gets physically ill every single morning thinking about how he is living someone else's life and he misses our old life... what did he do about it? He married her about two months later. :o. She planned the wedding, he showed up as he was told.
Why did he leave me? He said I was a great mother and wife but "he changed". That "we" were on a different page. I have not once, not one time in six years have heard that he has said one bad word about me. Even his affair partner, I have never heard one bad thing about me through the grapevine. Usually what I hear is bad things about HER, or them, and their antics, nothing about me.
So why does he stay with her?
It's the path of least resistance and he is a coward. It's that simple.
Do I think they will someday break up? Yes, but it will have zero to do with me (I'm remarried and the door is shut tight).
She is over twenty years younger and she wants a baby. He is almost 55 and scared to death of his aging (sorry dude, hooking up with a girl half your age did not stop the clock after all). So far, she has got everything she wants except that baby. They have been together for seven years (the first two while we were still married). She was in her twenties when they first hooked up, that nasty biological clock wasn't a big deal then, but as time moves on, my best guess is, so will she.
Then the last check on the mid-life crisis handbook will be checked off.
Old and alone due to crappy choices.
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Bewildered- Maybe this article will help answer the question "How long will this affair last?"
https://personaltao.com/midlife-crisis/midlife-affair/
"Its the opposite where he feels he wont be judged for doing the immoral things he doing, surrounded by people who validate these wrong doings and accept them. Its exactly what they say happens with limerence- the changing of own core beliefs and long held values to fit with what they are doing. He is wearing a mask with OW and is the opposite of who he was with her."
This is script of MLC. They turn to be someone we do not know and hang with those who validate or do not question their bad behaviors. This is all of our MLC'ers not just yours. My H's AD is a psychologist! Go re-read his actions towards her and she cant catch on! These broken people will not be able to maintain a healthy relationship-if we can even call it that! It will fall apart- we just do not know when.
My kids are adults and we have open communication. If there is something they think I should know they will tell me. I do not snoop, but a friend does keep an eye on social media. She also will let me know when I need to know something. She was the one to tell me they broke up a week ago (but OW wont let him go).
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Great topic...I am sure that many LBS’s will find this thread very interesting.
Ido believe that the affair relationship is lust and not love. In my case it is two damaged individuals feeding off each others egos and hurting others. One would assume that this behaviour is not healthy and one cannot to continue that mentality. I guess with our knowledge of MLC many of us await for the Mlcers awakening...if that will even happen?
THIS! As time passes, BD 2.5 yrs, I see changes in my H and this is exactly where I am at-waiting! My divorce will be final next month, I hoped for his awakening before the finalization but that is not going to happen. Now I hope for the D to help him with his awakening and then the breakdown of the affair. As I posted prior, I do worry that he will feel he lost me and that there is no reason to leave her. Again more waiting!
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I quoted wrong sorry - if someone can fix it or tell me how that would be great!
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THIS! As time passes, BD 2.5 yrs, I see changes in my H and this is exactly where I am at-waiting! My divorce will be final next month, I hoped for his awakening before the finalization but that is not going to happen. Now I hope for the D to help him with his awakening and then the breakdown of the affair. As I posted prior, I do worry that he will feel he lost me and that there is no reason to leave her. Again more waiting!
Hope, I also lost the race against the "awakening" clock. But since then, I've realized that none of it even matters (other than a pain in the ass - having to be "re-married"!)
Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says. A deal is a deal, damnit.
It is these thoughts that have led me to my Stand as a "covenant-keeper." Nothing else has really mattered to me since BD. Because family. is. EVERYTHING.
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Personal Tao offers some really beautiful spiritual insights, but they do not address the symptoms many people see here, and I think in this way unintentionally perpetuate ideas about midlife crisis that harms LBS ability to protect themselves and their children.
I think what we are witnessing is closer to the types of affairs described on bipolar/cyclothemia forums. I truly believe that many times they are tragic attempts to self medicate and feel "good" coupled with lack of judgement, impulse control, and empathy.
Modifying to add: I also disagree with their (and other sites that offer paid counseling services) take that the LBS can affect the outcome. This too unfortunately minimizes the condition and adds more confusion to vulnerable LBS.
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Megogirl,
I believe in my vows and it hurts to think how much he has tossed our promise to each other away- like we are yesterday's garbage. I will continue to fight, but I'm feeling that I am the only one that will be fighting. It takes two to make a marriage work and right now I am all alone. It is very lonely where I am at. He has made a small change and I will continue to hope for more changes. I am not ready to give up! I don't think the affair is the issue holding him back, it is himself. He needs more time to see his life sucks! He has lost so much and I know he hasn't realized it. When he does he will have his awakening and the affair will breakdown. I just hope that my H has the courage to look back to his family and to want to be a part of it again. I wish you the best as we are both in the same black hole. The thing is you and I have the strength, the wisdom and courage to climb out and survive!
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Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says. A deal is a deal, damnit.
Well said! I don't recall inviting the "state" to my wedding.
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Because God doesn't care what my/your "state" says. A deal is a deal, damnit.
Well said! I don't recall inviting the "state" to my wedding.
EXACTLY! And to have a judge push a divorce because it sat for 6 months and he wants it off his docket. Why should you have the right to interfere in MY marriage!
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Hope, as an FYI, often there are rules for what percentage of what kinds of cases have to be resolved in a certain time frame (there are in my state). The courts often don't have a choice in these matters. The person you should be focusing the anger on is the person who files the case and allows it to proceed through the system.
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EXACTLY! And to have a judge push a divorce because it sat for 6 months and he wants it off his docket. Why should you have the right to interfere in MY marriage!
Hope, that's what happened to me, too. My wife was confused and didn't know what she wanted so she wasn't doing anything but I was told if we didn't hurry up and finish the divorce the judge would decide how to allocate everything and that he would most likely order that our house be sold.
We had to finish our divorce because the state wanted us divorced. Unraveled, you can say what you want about the rules they have to follow, as far as I'm concerned the state and the court and the judge can kiss my ...
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Same happened to me. The judge wanted it off his docket. What gives them the right? Nothing was decided of who got what. We were divorced , then had to go back to make a settlement agreement . This is the dumbest thing I ever heard of but it happened.
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I just want to add my bit here, too. I'm very disappointed by how the State handles divorce. It is given a cold look as if it were something unemotional. Emotions are not given any consideration, actually, they are frowned upon. There is no time for telling the judge how I feel, what my kids want, how I think my H behaved, how I worry he might behave.
Once my H asked for a separation the judge pretty much told me in basic words that he was no longer my husband and could do what he wanted (so shut up). And because it is an intimidating situation where your life and your kids livelihoods are being decided by someone who knows nothing about your family, you shut up because you are scared the judge will rule against you if he doesn't like how you talk. I found it to be a very unfair confrontation.
I think the State would do well to re-evaluate how they handle separations and divorces. If it is considered imperative to clear the judge's desk to save money and move cases along to the more 'important' ones, then the State should consider the after affects of divorce: impoverishment of both parties, debt, loss of earnings to spend in the market and boost the economy, devastated children who will most probably grow up to have problems in relationships, low self esteem, high chance they will go on to do the same in the future......I'm no good at numbers, but I can see very clearly how badly the money is being allocated here.
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I think the State would do well to re-evaluate how they handle separations and divorces. If it is considered imperative to clear the judge's desk to save money and move cases along to the more 'important' ones, then the State should consider the after affects of divorce: impoverishment of both parties, debt, loss of earnings to spend in the market and boost the economy, devastated children who will most probably grow up to have problems in relationships, low self esteem, high chance they will go on to do the same in the future......I'm no good at numbers, but I can see very clearly how badly the money is being allocated here.
BIG THUMBS UP!
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I think in my H's case, this is yet to be determined, but he has dumped her (and picked right back up again) like 6 times. Multiple times because he states he knows it's wrong and he doesn't love her according to him, (we are now legally divorced so whatever), other times because she's apparently a nut and in his words, "can be verbally abusive."
All that said, he was paid a visit by the karma fairy this week when she moved here from out of town to be close to him. She's upset that he won't move in and marry her, and also worked up that he won't let her following him via phone location services. He's beside himself that she moved here actually - I'm sure because it impedes his bachelor lifestyle. And let's be honest - she's a stage 5 clinger, and I'm just enjoying the show at this point!!! :D
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There are several cases here where the MLCer and alienator's lifestyle is a factor, ie they run out of money and the MLCer wants to go back to a more comfortable place, if the LBS allows. I don't think many have a moral epiphany.
For my H he said he was done with the affair long before it was revealed but...he felt stuck and didn't know how to end it. She was his office manager and he would see her obviously every day at work. I think that excuse sucks but our therapist explained to me that even though I might not like that answer, that is the answer. It is how he was feeling at the time and he didn't feel like there was anyway out of the situation. He didn't want to lose me and he didn't think it was possible to fire her, so he was stuck.
I think she kept it going because she had power at work being his "kept woman" and believe me all the staff knew what was happening and didn't like the way she used that as her authority, and also she kept it going because she used our company credit card as she pleased. It was ridiculous! She charged up between $1,000 and $2,000 a month....in addition to the raises she gave herself.
How it finally ended....well I found out and I filed for divorce. She still wasn't planning on going anywhere and assumed I was divorcing him. But as soon as the divorce started H had to take her company credit card! Her spending ended. He stopped confiding in her because his lawyer told him NO DISCUSSION with her. Once she had no extra spending it seems like her "love" for H fizzled out. And he says he followed his lawyer's advice and stopped sharing anything with her. I think he was relieved to have an excuse to really cut things off. And she wasn't getting all the extra financial perks.... When we decided to reconcile he fired her. Had her sign a legal severance agreement and paid her off to get her out the door quietly. Oddly enough she wasn't looking to rekindle with him. She had said he was her soulmate but when the money dried up....it was over! She took her payoff and apparently disappeared.
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Well kids came back today and said daddy said if he gets a tattoo it would be our names and OW 🙄. Apparently OW is getting another tattoo. Again opposites- H hated tatoos on women just as he hated smokers. OW has lots of tats and is defo a smoker. Limerence/addiction what ever you want to call it does not seem to be wearing off at 18 months & that’s been 15 months full on living with OW with very public affair. Nope still not bored or disgusted! And if it ever does end it will be pretty hard to ignore the tattoo. I’m pretty sure he says this to the kids as if he’s a kid himself trying to show off about his new girlfriend. The kids say they have no idea why he wants to tell them she’s gettinng a tattoo when they’re not interested and especially when he doesn’t ever show an interest in them or ask them about their life. >:(
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My Brain, KB and Milly,
I am sorry that we are in another "club" in which the state has say in our marriages. I wish there was a like/love button for your posts.
Unraveled,
I am not a dumb person and know that the states have rules. I know that my H is the one who filed and is the one who could also stop the divorce. Of course, I am not happy with my H. He is the one who started this mess. What I am trying to say is exactly what My Brain stated- our spouses are confused they are unsure of what they want. If my H was absolutely sure he wanted a divorce he would not have let it sit for from Dec 2017 until Sept 2018. Sept 2018 is when the judge stepped in.
Sunshine-
I love to see the karma bus make it's stops! I have also seen in recently. :)
JoJoJo-
I am so glad you shared your story. Congratulations on the decision to reconcile! How long was your H with his AD?
Bewildered-
A tattoo with OW's name! You have to be kidding me. Let's hope he doesn't go through with it!
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Jojo aren’t you lucky your Ow disappeared. I get the feeling that should my H ever wish to reconcile (just over a year from BD) Ow would be a nightmare to get rid it.
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I’m joining in.
I also think my h ow would be a nightmare to get rid of. H works with ow and she has managed to manipulate him into having no one in his life but ow and her parents. Will not engage with me, our children or his family.
Unfortunately I don’t see karma bus in the near future. It’s been 4.5 yrs and my h went from 3 yrs cake eater to near vanisher for 1 yr with only two interactions with our children and complete vanisher for the last 3 mths. H is too busy buying motorbikes with ow and going on holidays abroad but can’t afford to complete finances so he can complete divorce.
Ow continues to like or laugh at posts clearly aimed at me so I have removed myself from social media. Friends say it shows all is not well in Lala land if she has to do that but who knows. I just remain silent. I have a support worker for my children who interviewed h and she said he thinks I hate him and that she sees a man who gambled and lost everything. I don’t see that xx
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Rising - very similar. H has no friends and doesn’t talk to his family despite living with his mum and brother. He will make pleasantries but not actually speak to them. A lot of the time I will tell his mum things about the children and she will say “I didn’t know that H never said” H used to have a ping with his friend after work on Friday. This has stopped since Ow came along.
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my husband has been home for just over a year. we're reconnecting but it's still unclear as to what end. we behave as a family, eat together, go out, share a bed most of the time (he works rotating shifts), but still follow the terms of our separation (he pays me support...) so a bit strange, i guess.
ANYWAY, he had asked, a full year prior to him moving back, to come home and I sort of deflected, redirected, so on, it had been a long journey for me, to say the least and I really didn't want to disrupt the life i now (then) had....but in one of the discussions, he had said to me something i had heard here on this forum years before: "they will leave the OP when the pain of staying with them outweighs the pain of leaving". The way he said it was more along the lines of "she's become much more trouble than she's worth and here is where I'd rather be". He eventually stopped asking so i had assumed they made up but within the year, he had moved in all his totes (which had been packed for months at that point, he told me). He had been living with her for almost 8 years at that point and likely seeing her for 9 years.
It's never a clean break, unless one of them dies. Just within the last month, after months of no contact, she's been back in contact with him in dramatic fashion (first accusing him of harassment, causing him problems with work, then immediately declaring her undying love for him and wanting him back so they can have a child together), but he shut her down. her last contact, a few weeks after that, was through his friend to let him know that she is now pregnant with her current boyfriend's baby (they bought a house together six months ago). husband couldn't get home fast enough to tell me the news.
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When the affair started to breakdown what did you see if anything ? I ask because my H started to reconnect with the kids since the first of the year. The first break up with AD was 12/31 the second was February and he still shows his status as single but he has seen her twice that I know of. I am wondering if they begin to put the focus back on kids/family when they are not getting the high from the relationship anymore. H would go months without seeing kids while he was in the affair.
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JoJoJo-
I am so glad you shared your story. Congratulations on the decision to reconcile! How long was your H with his AD?
We had known the OW for 16 years, she had worked for him for about 10 years. I suspect their EA (they were BFFs at work, she would call herself his "work wife" and tell me that!) started a few years before the PA, but the PA started June/July 2014 when I was out of town with the kids and ended January 2017 (that was the last time according to him that they had sex). So the nasty dirty went on for 2 1/2 years....blech! Still makes me sick to think of how long he was physically with her AND with me! I found out in February 2017 but didn't confront him until March 2017. He said the relationship was fizzling out and they were on and off for awhile. He fired her in maybe May or June of 2017 and she has really just disappeared. Honestly she is probably moving on to get what she can (finanacially) from another man out there. It's pretty much her way! She's an opportunist!
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When the affair started to breakdown what did you see if anything ? I ask because my H started to reconnect with the kids since the first of the year. The first break up with AD was 12/31 the second was February and he still shows his status as single but he has seen her twice that I know of. I am wondering if they begin to put the focus back on kids/family when they are not getting the high from the relationship anymore. H would go months without seeing kids while he was in the affair.
Hi hope - not sure if this question is directed at me, but i'm answering this baby anyways :)
My husband's relationship early on with our son was pretty pathetic. He always talked about his commitment to being a dad but never followed through on anything promised, often putting OW before son. He rarely bought him gifts for christmases or birthdays and i believe would tell his family that he and i went in together on these and that son received them while with me. His OW would go all out to post how spoiled she was on special occasions (yup, i looked - it gave me a good heads up on what to expect as far as mood from husband...it became apparent that she posted most when she felt most threatened). He didn't give much at all in the way of money for anything until he was court ordered to do so. It was the saddest thing really, and husband is still feeling the effects of it to an extent today. He has come a very long way in his relationship with his son - they hang out as much as son allows. Our son has special needs and is now a young adult. he was 10 when his dad left and at a point where he really needed his dad. He was 17 (and a half ;) ) when his dad returned. Now they'll "go to the bar for a drink and watch the game". Son's drink of choice is lemonade :D. They order wings and chat up the ladies. Every once in a while, i'm invited to join, but mostly i just ask that they bring me back a half order of jambalaya. His dad is excited and animated when he sees him at the end of the day and son is definitely coming around, too.
The biggest thing i noticed around the time of breakdown is how angry husband was becoming. A lot of monster. I found that when things were rosy with his girlfriend, he was nice and helpful and generally "seemed" happy. I feel as though the anger came from me living my best life while his own life had started to swirl around the toilet bowl. He would be nice enough, try to get a good idea of where i was in life, who i was with, and then get angry. I feel like he actually was feeling me out to see if i would be open to a return of some degree. But then i sort of felt that off and on throughout. But for the first 6 years, it was easier for him to just stay with her, i guess. He definitely was much more monstery near the end but i also attributed that to his anger over having to fork over his money to me in a settlement. That's always been a bone of contention with him and still is. Money means a great deal to him and finances are a bit of a hot topic in general. But i do believe he felt i had closed the door on any kind of return and that angered him. As soon as he saw there was light still on through the cracks, he mellowed out significantly and took a gentler and kinder approach, taking advantage of the fact that we shared the same concerns about our son and the house.
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DCD - I’m just butting in here ha! Sorry guys. I was just wondering 7.5ywars is a long time. We’re you actively standing during that time or did you waiver? I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!
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I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!
Sachet - it’s normal to waiver. It’s also better to analyze your feelings than your H’s actions. Check out Treasur’s discussion thread if you haven’t already. A lot of interesting comments there about standing.
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10550.0
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DCD, wow 8 yrs! At 4.5 yrs I feel like no hope of reconciliation. Your post about h and son is how my h has been with our kids. My son is autistic. I did wonder if ow feels threatened still when she is posting on social media especially when posting on valentines and h b day aimed at me. Blaming me for kids not seeing h when I have emailed and emailed asking him to see his kids. I no longer bother. After 3 yrs cake eater to vanisher I do notice h is even more monster when he had contact in June 18 and Nov 18. H states he considers himself no longer married and yet my lawyer has not heard from h re finances and divorce since Aug 18.
Can I ask, how did you handle ow posts? I just ignore and removed myself from social media. Did your h vanish at all and if so how did you handle that? Xx
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Rising - I get OW making posts about me. She
Akg posts things along the lines of “when his ex gf stalks your page 1 in smarter than you I’m prettier than you get the f*ck over it” and captions it “hi hun” or if I post something on my page. Completely not aimed at her. She posts a rebuttal. Example - I uploaded a selfie with a friend. We were both sticking our tongue out and goofing around. I have a tongue piercing. Ow then uploaded a quote that said “Tounges should never be out in photos” and she captioned it “okay we get it you have a tongue piercing” and that was within the hour. It’s funny because I do not stalk her page I. Anyway I have people who show me her posts as and when they feel it’s appropriate but OW is morphing into me. She will post and act like I’m a massive problem when literally I don’t bother my H unless it involves the children. Our children are still very young 2 5 and 7. And H is very heavily involved and will see them usually 5/6 times a week. Which mustn’t help Ow confidence as H was unfaithful to Ow with me and she knows. Also apparently OW has been posting about “no more second chances in 2019” etc so maybe H is on his last leg ot she’s posting for a reaction. Other than that Ow spends a lot of time posting gushing about H and stuff. It’s sad really. You never see her posts with her girlfriends. Just H and “look what materialistic thing I have now”
Her posts used to bother me and I did come off social media for a while but then I didn’t want to give her a reaction and not being on social media is letting her win so I’m back. I post what I like when I like and honestly I don’t care. I know Ow stalks me. She makes it obvious in her posts but that shows more about her than me.
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I also take great comfort in the fact that if I can see through her posts online. So can others. So she’s making herself look stupid.
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Good for you Sachat.
Not letting this immature girl get to you is great.
Trust me ignoring her will drive her crazy.
Keep ignoring... :)
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Well that’s the thing I thought. She literally never gets a reaction out of me. Don’t get me wrong at the start I did but now if she posts relating to me. I leave her to it. She can make herself look like a d*ck online that’s on her. I will post what I post. If I post a quote it won’t be aimed at her unless it’s a show fits kinda way.
But it’s true because I haven’t responded to her in months and she posts more and more. Ironically when H deleted his social media accounts OW posts EVERY post about me. When he comes back online. The posts get deleted. I suspect H doesn’t like her talking ill of his queen ha!
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Hi sachat,
No, I wasn't standing. For the first three years, I guess I was open to him returning. I did date somewhat infrequently. I man I had known from my past who lived in my hometown. We would connect when I visited and he would sometimes come to my city but it wasn't serious. I did date a man for about a year when husband first asked to come home. I didn't tell him I was dating someone. I did tell the man I was dating that husband had approached me about it and I think that initiated the beginning of the end. He was completely out of the picture when husband did move back.
I’m only 16 months post BD and I feel like I’m waivering but not sure it that’s normal. I spend more time analysing my own feelings and the whole “why am I not angry” “why am I sad now” that I do his actions ha!
I think that's completely normal. As they used to say on this forum "back in the day" ;), "standing is not being still". While you might hope your husband makes his way through this in a timely manner, you shouldn't be up on a shelf collecting dust. And I also think spending the time on you and your feelings is time much better spent than on dissecting their every little twitch. Taking the focus off them and placing it on you does two things, in my mind: you benefit from the healing and growth you achieve (their actions will only leach you of the strength and focus needed), and secondly, if you are standing for your marriage, you would not want to fully witness their craziness or open yourself up to continued and unnecessary hurt, as it would lead to wavering. What we withstand as LBS is nothing short of tragic. It's awful enough that our marriages have come apart, but what follows is unbelievable pain and betrayal. Stand well back and turn that focus inward to you and your children.
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DCD, wow 8 yrs! At 4.5 yrs I feel like no hope of reconciliation. Your post about h and son is how my h has been with our kids. My son is autistic. I did wonder if ow feels threatened still when she is posting on social media especially when posting on valentines and h b day aimed at me. Blaming me for kids not seeing h when I have emailed and emailed asking him to see his kids. I no longer bother. After 3 yrs cake eater to vanisher I do notice h is even more monster when he had contact in June 18 and Nov 18. H states he considers himself no longer married and yet my lawyer has not heard from h re finances and divorce since Aug 18.
Can I ask, how did you handle ow posts? I just ignore and removed myself from social media. Did your h vanish at all and if so how did you handle that? Xx
Hello Rising Phoenix - i felt that way, too at just after 3 years. My son is autistic, as well. That, coupled with an illness I had a couple of years before, i think were big motivators for him to run. Husband wasn't a vanisher but more of an off and on...not quite boomerang but didn't do well with too much time between contact. Because i did have some contact with husband, it became apparent that OW's posts reflected where they were in their relationship. I found her posts were more "in your face" when things weren't going so well between them. I would say the healthiest thing to do about dealing with them is exactly what you've done. In the early days, they really did bring me to my knees. Later on, i would log on to confirm where husband was in his cycle...if he was coming in close, it would show in what she chose to post, at times even outright calling me out for dragging my feet in the separation (that was completely the opposite of the truth). At one point, she made such a stink about me stalking her (projection) that she had to block me. husband accused me of stalking her and told me she blocked me. ok, fine...until i got an accidental friend request from her old, unused business account. she was a body by vi trainer or distributor or whatever...only she named it "body by OW". pretty distinctive name with her face all over it. It was there and then immediately wasn't when, i guess, she panicked and closed her account. the request came back again when she logged back on.
Absolutely OW feels threatened by you. I can't see how they could ever possibly feel comfortable in their relationships considering how it started. We're these horrible people and yet they're still married to us. OW wonders, and rightly so, why he hasn't pulled the trigger. Seriously, why hasn't he?? makes you wonder, doesn't it?
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I think a lot of the time, when it comes to my emotions. I spend a lot of time wondering “is this normal” because as my children are still babies and D2 has had so much time spent on hospital as she has so many conditions etc. But that shows Ow maturity as we were recently in hospital for almost 2 weeks and H must have not seen her as when he did see her she jumped on insta and posted “finally got him back” hello?!? He’s been in hospital with his daughter or at home with his other two.
I want to think I’m actively standing as I would like to think, that I would be able to give my children a nice full and complete family. It’s bizarre because before BD that was also the most important thing to H. But then a part of me wants to be with someone else just to be petty and be able to say “Ha! You were with someone else. So was I. How does that feel” but I’m just not sure I could connect with someone else the way I did with H and anything less would feel like second best.
It took me a very long time to not care about what Ow posts. It’s funny because to me, she posts way too much about their problems. I personally feel if I have problems I don’t air them on social media. She’s told the world he was unfaithful, tells the world he spends too much time with his ex, tells the world when they argue and the world can also see how much her appearance is changing within their time. But then when things are good she’ll post “Don’t judge my relationship” it’s funny because I always thought it was just my Ow who was bat sh*t cray. Appears not. 🤣
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While I don't understand how any of these women live with themselves or can feel that got a catch, I really don't understand where there are such young children, and especially with chronic medical problems. Sachat you have such a great attitude for everything you have to deal with.
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Unraveled, I have wondered so much about the cruelty in my OW. I boil it down to them being so bitter in life that they get pleasure from seeing someone (us) suffer instead of them for once.
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Unravelled - I mean it has been awful I can’t lie. Especially some of the things that I know I’ve seen thrown at them it’s a wonder Ow is still there.
I have to remind myself daily that it’s a reflection of her. I to some extent understand Hs battle with MLC. I see it for what it is. And in fairness to H aside from the leaving and Ow etc. But I suppose that’s what makes OW worse. But some of the things she’s said about my children etc in the past as hurtful as they were reflect more on her than they do me or anyone else.
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Milly and Sachat, I don't know how I would deal if I had to go through the stuff you guys and RP have. I am pretty much oblivious to my H's OW (plural). OW1 contacted me several times after their break up and we had some pleasant conversations (this is the one he secretly cheated on me with for 3 years during our marriage). Very clearly a sad and messed up borderline personality with a horrible relationship history.
I try very hard not to focus on the OW and don't blame them for my H's actions (my H is the one who made commitments and is married) and as far as OW2, I don't see her as playing any role in this (other than being the current drug of choice) as he began "seeing" her after he moved out (I do not consider us separated--we have no legal separation, he won't sign the separation contract, and we have never had a discussion about separating), BUT what in the double-hockey sticks is this woman thinking?
In my H's case, OW2 works in the same hospital as he and OW1. She knew he cheated on me with OW1. She knew that he "left" a 27 year marriage with children. She knew the OW1 relationship ended in a very ugly way (he has called her a bunny boiler to me so I assume OW2 has heard the same and worse). She has three children and began "seeing" him right away after the OW1 split. He filed for divorce in May 2018 (as far as I can tell, 14 months after he began "seeing" her), she let him move in to her home in August 2018. He has now dismissed his divorce. He still has not signed a separation contract and NEVER WILL it seems. He is very much trying to reconnect with my S (and I think with me). He still gives me more than 1/2 his check (and I also have a good income), so he doesn't even have that much $$$. WHAT DOES SHE THINK IS GOING ON??? How can she see him as a catch? Would any of you date a guy like this?
I swear I think he must be totally lying to her, she is a complete moron, or she is just in it for what she can get as long as it lasts. At the risk of offending those of you for whom this is so painful, I almost find the situation laughable at this point.
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It took me a very long time to not care about what Ow posts. It’s funny because to me, she posts way too much about their problems. I personally feel if I have problems I don’t air them on social media. She’s told the world he was unfaithful, tells the world he spends too much time with his ex, tells the world when they argue and the world can also see how much her appearance is changing within their time. But then when things are good she’ll post “Don’t judge my relationship” it’s funny because I always thought it was just my Ow who was bat sh*t cray. Appears not. 🤣
Nope Sachat3 you are not the only one with bat sh*t crazy OW. Why dont you block her on social media? That way you dont have to see her posts and if they are for your benefit (which it sounds like they are) then she wont have an audience and therefore prob stop.
I came off all social media soon after BD because I discovered OW was stalking me (when I didnt even know she existed) and was posting pictures imitating poses of mine in pics. When I went back on a year later I blocked her and all her family and friends so they cant see me and I cant see them. Im sure if I hadn’t I would also see posts similar to what you are seeing. When I first looked her posts were full of words you just dont use on social media and emojis and love hearts....like a 50 year old teenager. I dont need to see the drama. I dint block H as he didnt post much and I thought he might want to see pics of the kids. However since an incident with me and OW coming face to face and her insecurities surprise surprise H posts a pic of him and OW declaring his love for her. This just happens to be before he blocks me, so obviously for my benefit and driven by OW’s insecurities.
We really dont need the extra drama in our lives. Get of the stage or out of the audience as best you can.
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Unravelled - that’s exactly how I feel and my H is similar. He pays a VERY fair amount towards me and the children. And if ever an unexpected expense comes along ie- my TV broke and he got me a new one. Today my washing machine broke and he’s getting someone to fix it for me. So I don’t see her as a issue to what my H did to me, their PA started after BD and him moving out but I’m not sure about EA. I did tell OW that H wasn’t faithful to her with me and she never said “he cheated on you too” which I expect she would have. So to the breakdown of BD and all that I don’t blame her. However I do feel that she completely clings on to a man who will never fully be hers. And why? Nobody else was.
Bewildered - I have blocked her. I blocked her. Her sister and her friend. I even blocked H. But my Instagram is open as my children are brand reps for some companies and I promote false eyelashes but I don’t post anything which OW could twist. However, with her posts. She went to university with people I went college with so we have a few mutual people. I’ve told them many many MANY times not to show me her posts unless it’s absolutely vital. But that’s another reason I’m selective in what I post and I only post selfies and my children really as I’m sure if they send me her posts they could send her mine. It’s funny you say about Ow copying your poses. So did mine. I couldn’t work out or that was her just stalking too much and not realising or if it was done on purpose. I even wore a really nice outfit and a friend asked where my top was from. I told her and within a few weeks Ow was posting with the same top. I’m now at the point where I think I’d you want to stalk me and copy me. Fine be my guest BUT I’ll pour as much water on the fire as I can and not petrol.
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Before I blocked H he never really posted about Ow. However I assume once I blocked him he started posting about her as he deleted all his followers. Including his own family as he doesn’t want them seeing her.
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You HAVE to live as though they are never coming back. Over analysing everthing will make you crazy and stuck yourself. By the time you realize that its really over then you will look back at years of wasted time. You only get one life so live it and accept the Situation for what it is.
Thats what I do now, Whyus. H is acting’s little less foggy but I just tell myself that he’s gine and not coming back. I’ll go crazy if I figure he is.
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You HAVE to live as though they are never coming back.
I think the caps need to be LIVE!
Including his own family as he doesn’t want them seeing her.
Of course, when she fell out of the ugly tree, she hit every branch on the way down.
It’s funny you say about Ow copying your poses. So did mine.
My new wife noticed the same thing about her ex's ow. Copied everything she did, same outfits and poses too!
I swear I think he must be totally lying to her, she is a complete moron, or she is just in it for what she can get as long as it lasts. At the risk of offending those of you for whom this is so painful, I almost find the situation laughable at this point.
I truly think all three apply. And yes, I find it very laughable since the other choice is to cry.
(((Ready)))
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Yes without being a bit of a b!tc# I do laugh at OW a lot. Part of me feels sorry for her on a human level, as I think to have that low self esteem and nobody around you to support you must be hard BUT they have a chance to get out and help themselves. They choose not too
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Yes without being a bit of a b*tc# I do laugh at OW a lot. Part of me feels sorry for her on a human level, as I think to have that low self esteem and nobody around you to support you must be hard BUT they have a chance to get out and help themselves. They choose not too
I know nothing of my H's OW. He told me at the BD that it is an emotional affair and he didn't want to tell me her name so I couldn't take her to court to sue her for destroying a marriage. (eyeroll)
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Unraveled, I have wondered so much about the cruelty in my OW. I boil it down to them being so bitter in life that they get pleasure from seeing someone (us) suffer instead of them for once.
It's even worse than this with so many OW/OM. They validate themselves and their worth by being the chosen one over the long term marriage partner. Their interest in your spouse has almost nothing to do with loving or even liking them. It has all to do with the fact that the object of their affection is married and emotionally weak. They sense that and would avoid more self assured men in favour of the emotionally weak men. When they 'win' over your spouse their self-esteem soars. It's one of the few ways they can raise their self-esteem. Unfortunately its quite temporary so they have to keep upping the ante by taunting the lbs and flaunting their superiority over you on social media. If it continues a wedding, then baby is next on the agenda. It's a life long game. It's also why these women are so hard to get rid of. They cannot,,, will not... lose. So they hang on for dear life because so much is at stake. And NONE of it has anything to do with love. It's all do with making themselves feel something is ok with who they are. It's a game they can never win,, but they keep trying anyway.
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I have always assumed that if my xh was foolish enough to marry her...which he did within weeks of finding out she had stolen from him and lied and a couple of weeks after his divorce was final...that a baby was the next thing on the list if she is able to make that happen. I have no idea whether that is what my xh wants now although he never wanted to be a parent before.
So I guess they run from one situation where they feel 'trapped' but ironically - looking from the outside (although I don't look so have no idea really) - perhaps create a situation where they are actually in reality more trapped than they were and with/by someone who has not loved and valued them for years....or I suppose it isn't MLC at all and they have the new happy life just as they ordered lol.
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Wow anon, I think you may have hit the nail on the head there. My h ow actually posted a quote once that’s said that’s she doesn’t lose but wins. On the rare occasion I have seen my h in the last 18 hrs he doesn’t look happy and the few times he saw the kids they commented that dad was always on his phone having to ping his location to ow and swearing at his phone when ow text or staring out of the window in the coffee shop he would take them to. But like you say treasur do we really know. Xx
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I agree with Anon, at least with my OW it is about winning my H and rubbing it in my nose and to all the people who knew us, including our whole village. She wanted me to know about them. When D21 and I had the terrible confrontation with H and OW 18 months ago, it all started when OW pushed H to enter the restaurant we were in. I mean, D21 told H that I was in there with S14, too, and OW shoved my H in the back to force him to go in anyway. I think if you're secure in your R you don't need to hurt others needlessly. Anon you describe it perfectly, the sense of winning when she got a married man to leave his wife.
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Actually, even more simple than that, if you are secure as a person you don't need to hurt others, control them or treat them with disrespect. Ow as a breed rarely seem to be healthy humans. Of course to be fair our spouses aren't hitting top scores on the healthy human scale either are they? It is a rare MLCer that only lies, cheats, rages and whines to the LBS...just takes a bit of detachment and time for us to see that.
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Anon - that’s definitely it. With my OW she defo feels the need to flaunt H on her socials. Even very soon after BD H refused to pose for photos so she would merely take photos of their shoes etc etc. Even now when he pops to see her in a evening (after seeing me and children) she’ll post his coat on a chair like “look who came to see me” or a photo of H asleep. It’s sad really. I think that’s what “scares” me the most, I can cope with a wedding I think but I do not think I could cope with H and Ow having a baby. But I know H doesn’t want any more children and is taking precautions. Well at minute anyway. Sad as it is, my H is atleast Ows THIRD man who was previously with someone she started things with. I do wonder if I was with someone else, and OW saw from snooping and in her eyes she could see I was no longer wanting H. Would that change anything. If she’s “won” a prize nobody wants. It’s this winning syndrome that makes me deeply regret sending her abusive messages as soon as I found out about her.
Treasur - your completely right. We don’t know. We can only assume. When H is over at mine late in the evening there is somebody calling his phone and he declined the calls. I can only assume it’s Ow. May not be. I can see him texting furiously looking angry. I can only assume it’s Ow. I don’t ask. He doesn’t tell so I can only make assumptions due to his mood.
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I do wonder if I was with someone else, and OW saw from snooping and in her eyes she could see I was no longer wanting H. Would that change anything. If she’s “won” a prize nobody wants. It’s this winning syndrome that makes me deeply regret sending her abusive messages as soon as I found out about her.
I think there is something to this. I mean,,, how can you elevate your self-esteem by winning the election if you were the only candidate?
This has to be one of the best reasons to completely ignore the OW as well as to never mention her to your spouse either. I don't trust my spouse with ANY conversation we have, that it won't be repeated to her. If I spoke anything of OW, good or bad, to my spouse I'm sure it would be mentioned in a pitying way and maybe good for a few laughs for both of them at my expense.
So my lips are zipped about her and about anything else that doesn't need to be discussed. Even then,,, I keep it to a bare minimum.
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Anon - Well exactly. If you’ve got something nobody else wants. You haven’t “won” much. Whilst I haven’t posted on any socials anything to do with H or Ow in a very very VERY long time. I don’t know how long the message will take to sink it. I had started to think as I hadn’t posted much in a while, that maybe Ow snooping on me had stopped I was wrong as this morning I uploaded a very positive international women’s day quote which merely stated “The women who know what they bring to the table are not afraid to eat alone” as a single mum or three children between the ages of 2 and 7. I figured it was fitting yet low and behold Ow fored off a quote which made it clear she had been snooping. Funnily enough the quote was about sleeping with men behind your back and what not. I mean hey Ow if the shoe fits but her caption was word for word the same as mine.
Luckily her name never needs to be brought up between me and H. Even when she’s posted about me. I don’t bring it up to him anymore. I did in the beginning but I haven’t in a long time.
If I knew then what I know now. When I first found out about her, I would never have messaged her the things I did. Because in that argument we had, she probably felt like “haha I’ll take him now” but you live and you learn don’t you.
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Ok reading all this about "winning" being a focus of the OW and I have to share.....my H and I are in reconciliation phase of this hot mess, we have had at length discussions about OW and what that relationship meant to him, and what it meant to her.
He had said to me that he doesn't think that she really was "in love" with him, she would say he was her soulmate, blah blah blah.....but he said that after I filed for divorce and she was thinking she was cashing in, going to be the "doctor's wife", and he told her it had to be over....he told her that with all the deception out in the open they couldn't keep this up and he couldn't put his family through any more pain and that their "relationship" was over...
I asked if she cried, or tried to convince him to be with her and he thought about it and said "No. She really didn't. She was upset but she was really more angry about it" and he recalled that she mentioned that "Well I guess Jojo won!"
He said it wasn't the first time she had used that term, about "winning" in this situation....and he said he came back with "Nobody has won here....can't you see how wrong all this was? How many people we hurt?" She really didn't see anything wrong with it and she left and was just pissed.
He said he really thinks this was all a plan for her. That to her it was all a big game to get him to leave his family for her, a conquest. He has no doubt that she is out there doing the same thing with someone else by now!
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Jojo, that's really terrible. I feel that my H's OW is just like your H's one. Thanks for sharing what your H told you about her. We rarely get to hear what really goes on between the MLCer and the OW. And it helps to hear this stuff, as horrible as it is.
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Is it really an affair anymore when they are living together or remarried ? I don't think it can be classified as an affair anymore :(
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I wonder if most OW/OM have this conquest need. The OW in my situation is 61 yrs old, never married and my husband is at least her 3rd married man. Dating regular available men is just not her thing. No opportunities to boost self esteem there.
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Is it really an affair anymore when they are living together or remarried ? I don't think it can be classified as an affair anymore :(
Living together - yes, it's an affair. Many MLCers move out from the marital home right into the AP's home. Definitely an affair.
Divorced and remarried - not an affair, but a tragedy. Probably more for the MLCer than the LBS since the MLCer is now trapped in his truly shattered life.
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Jojo - that’s handy to have that insight. When I look at my Hs history. Him and Ow have briefly split 2 or 3 times now. Each time it’s been her to end it, and it’s resulted in him “chasing her” I always thought it was odd as her emotions would be distraught on day one “how could he” type thing to the moment he chased after her “delirious happy love my man” almost like she wanted to see it he would chase. He did. She won. Type thing. I also know for s fact H is minimum the 4th man she’s “won” from other women. Ironically all the men worked with her.
Anon - my H briefly mentioned living with Ow but that’s only if his brother looses his house as they are struggling to pay rent. So if it did occur it wouldn’t be a next step in a relationship. Merely a convienice but I don’t think marriage is what either of them want. Which is off because we were never legally married but H was adamant he wanted to be and now he says “marriage is pointless. It’s merely a title”
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When I look at my Hs history. Him and Ow have briefly split 2 or 3 times now. Each time it’s been her to end it, and it’s resulted in him “chasing her” I always thought it was odd as her emotions would be distraught on day one “how could he” type thing to the moment he chased after her “delirious happy love my man” almost like she wanted to see it he would chase. He did. She won. Type thing. I also know for s fact H is minimum the 4th man she’s “won” from other women.
This is also my spouse and his OW - same details, same chasing her, same 'I won' attitude when she gets him back, also working on the marriage destruction of her 4th affair victim. So sick... why can't these sick MLC puppies see this?
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It’s funny because I saw so much evidence on her being a Ow to many many people on her Instagram right at the beginning when I snooped. And I always thought why would you even upload these things. If that was me and I had been with someone who was married I would be horrified but it’s like they enjoy it. I think in my case H is blinded by Ow. When me and H were together money was tight. Some months we couldn’t pay all the bills. And now both of us are financially better off but OW still lives with mummy and daddy. They work at the same place. Similar wage but almost everything Ow owns is designer brands. She has multiple designer bags shoes etc etc. So I think got him it was “wow look at this” and then a mere few weeks into them dating it was H birthday and she bought him a £400 Apple Watch and since then he’s had very expensive gifts thrown at him. Bug eventually money will dry up. Especially if they are forced to live together.
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I always thought why would you even upload these things. If that was me and I had been with someone who was married I would be horrified but it’s like they enjoy it.
It's comparable to displaying the prize in a trophy case. What's important is not HOW they got the trophy but that they DID.
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Your 100% correct. I think that’s exactly what makes OW different to us normal women.
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Divorced and remarried - not an affair, but a tragedy. Probably more for the MLCer than the LBS since the MLCer is now trapped in his truly shattered life.
Well this is where I am right now- tragedy. Divorce is nearly done and im pretty sure he will be marrying OW. H has just announced through legal paperwork that after settlement him and OW intend to pool together money and buy a house. So maybe OW has won but she definitely hasnt won a prize. After receiving a letter about how unhappy the kids are at OW’s, how OW ignores them, how they feel rejected and that they have told their counsellor how unhappy they are and she helped them write a letter to their dad which he never acknowledged. This letter was again attached to the letter my lawyer sent last week. Instead of talking to them about how they felt or the content of their letter (which was heartbreaking), he quizzed them about who, where, when with counseller so he could accuse me of not telling him about it. He was told about it several times in letters since summer (MLC memory loss?). Then he tells them that him and OW are going to live together for a long time.....so in that one sentence he was telling them that your unhappiness and feelings dont matter and OW comes first.
So doesn’t look like the breakdown of this affair is happening anytime soon.
JoJo your insight is good to hear. Its good to hear that your H has some sense about him to end it when he did and realising what OW’s game was.
OW in my situation is definetly playing a game but she seems to be very good at it and unfortunately H can not yet see this and may never see it......
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I was reading this thread at the hairdressers today.
My take on it ......….the vast majority of the OW on here are a 'type' and most of them have a PD. I also believe there is some sort of spectrum for PD's in these cases...
Having been privileged to be shown a pics of a a fair few of these OW....never have I seen ANY OW who can match the LBS in looks.........….and then when you factor in the fact that most of them are highly manipulative, as crazy as a box of frogs and very very selfish...……and all of the LBS's I know and have shared PM's or phone calls with are highly intelligent, very caring loving and beautiful women and to me it just shows just how crazy a MLC'er is to destroy everything they had with their wives...
Not only that in a vast majority of cases the OW is not only ugly, cold hearted, lacking total moral character and selfish they are (most of them, totally vacuous.....and some ill educated...
What saddens me is when I read an LBS looking at these scummy OW and comparing themselves to them...…..wondering if there is something they could have done to stop this from happening...…...
There is nothing you could have done, because the problem wasn't yours it was your H's...……..YES there are things in a marriage that we could all of done better.....BUT nothing excuses someone from infidelity ……..grown up people TALK about why they are unhappy …..
Broken attracts Broken and as we all know MLC'ers are broken people (even if they hid it from us for years)……...and these OW (sorry I am talking about OW and not OM because in the main that's who this thread is about)…
So these OW do have a radar for emotionally stunted men...…..
You see (as has been mentioned earlier) they (OW) know where they will be more successful, they have a sense for someone who is broken and they hone in ………...first its love bombing (flattery, flirting, the dumpsell in distress act) and then its the temporary withdrawl and then the coming on strong and withdrawl act …………
And it is the capture and the kill which can drive a lot of them ….its the temporary thrill and for a borderline personality its because they have low dopamine and so that means they have to have the drama to feel (and that's what a MLC'er needs too for a long time)
its also why they bait the wife to create drama...
some are narcissists and need the attention and when they have seemingly 'conquered' the MLC'er they go for the wife to get their supply.....
There is talk on here about limerence...…..in my opinion limerence is not the same as MLC...…….its far more complex than that..
at the beginning the MLC'er is infatuated with the OW because she makes him 'feel' and as I have said before this is a life line to a drowing man...........suddenly he can feel something so he thinks she is the answer.....but this does fade, though it takes time BUT in that time the OW has managed to manipulate and use her advantage to the full and the MLC'er has complied to many a demand because he 'needs' the supply she is providing and the 'feeling'
But there is there is a sort of awakening and then I believe in Busybee's dark period where they just go along with it all and cannot see a way out.........….to all of us it seems ridiculous and unbelieveable but you read in many many stories that in the MLC brain they see themselves as trapped in a cell, even though the door is open (I think even RCR has said something like this in one of her articles)….
I personally think there are OW who are limerent addicts , I know I thought that the OW in my story was one, because she has a pattern of behaviour.....BUT now knowing more about personality disorders I think she has a low boredom threshold and I can see she is getting bored...…….
So what I want to say to anyone who is going through this is this...….
Whoever your OW is KNOW she is nothing compared to you...…...YOU have years of history love and memories (and maybe children)with your MLC'er….NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can ever ever replace that...………...
MLC'er's lack empathy and have blotted out everything good in their lives...…….they cant access the memories you can, they cant feel what you can feel and they are going to destroy themselves and everything good in their lives for a while and it maybe a long time...They are also dancing to the tune of a fncked up person who is manipulating them and using them
DONT ever fall into the trap of thinking this is love...…...its not pure and its not real its based on NEED, selfishness and fantasy.
Whatever you see on fakebook is just that FAKE...……………….people who are really happy don't have to keep posting about it because they are too busy actually just being happy...….
IF you find yourself pulling YOU apart and thinking there must be something wrong with you and this OW has something you don't....THEN slap yourself round the face and tell yourself how ridiculous you are being......THIS is being a victim and if you want to be a victim then keep thinking like this!!!!
IF the OW was such a prize why would she be with someone as nuts and as empty as your MLC'er? ANSWER She is NO prize, she is an empty manipulative cunning plank!
Know if the OW baits you its because they are bored and need you to create drama so don't give it to them...…….know if the OW is posting about how 'happy' they are its because they are not happy and they know it, they are insecure and they are bored and they want attention...……….Know if you see posts of a bunch of flowers she bought them herself....know if she is going out for a meal with your spouse......she probably booked the table and is picking up the bill and IF he did book it its because she nagged and nagged him into itl...……
KNOW you are an amazing person because you have been loved for a very long time and no matter what your MLC'er is doing ,NOTHING can change that...…….the OW hates you for your history, for the love your MLC'er had for you, for the fact you didn't have to coerce him into marrying you, for the children you have together and all that history and that real love you shared so be proud of it and know that gives you the upper hand no matter what happens..nothing she does can take that away from you
And to answer the question about what leads to the breakup...…….many many things...
you see these affairs are very complex they are not about love they are about need and they are about fncked up people...………they are about drama...…..
So there isn't a straight answer BUT because of that you have a choice....you can spend your life watching and waiting or living it to the best of your ability...I saw a quote the other day outside a church....love the people God gave to you because one day he might need them back'...……….so don't ignore the other people in your life that you love because you cant do anything to help your MLC'er whilst they are in the thick of this...…….so love and laugh and enjoy all the other people you love
The choice is yours how you spend this time BUT what I would say to everyone on here is ............if I was to tell you there is a pattern to return stories …….
and it is this...……….in the vast majority of stories the LBS got on with their lives and decided to leave the MLC'er to it they changed their energy and took their power back, whether that was a 'fnck you' attitude, filing for divorce or just deciding enough was enough ...........I am not talking about faking it I am talking about those who genuinely came to the conclusion they were worth more than being someone who was going to wait this out...........they took the opportunities life presented and they decided they were going to live their lives to the full......they got to a place where they knew their power and their worth...………..
You see all of us get there in the end, even me...……..I couldn't care less what is happening to my MLC'er and his plank...…………..I am taking control of my life and I am looking forward to each day.................I still love the man I was married too with all my heart and I miss him every day BUT I know that man doesn't exist in this world because if he did he would want to be here and he doesn't
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I don't think for one moment he wants to be 'there' either but he is in the no man's land most of them fall into .........….his problem and his loss.................. I am no longer going to be a Miss Haversham and I cant save him from himself either
and neither can any of you...…
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in the vast majority of stories the LBS got on with their lives and decided to leave the MLC'er to it they changed their energy and took their power back, whether that was a 'fnck you' attitude, filing for divorce or just deciding enough was enough ...........I am not talking about faking it I am talking about those who genuinely came to the conclusion they were worth more than being someone who was going to wait this out...........they took the opportunities life presented and they decided they were going to live their lives to the full......they got to a place where they knew their power and their worth...………..
Well said, 1trouble. Lately, this is the place I find myself in. Enough is enough and I deserved so much better than what was dished out to me. I realize H's OW cannot be normal,,, no way,,, otherwise she would be with a functional man instead of a dysfunctional MLCer.
The longer this goes on, the more strength and insight I gain and the less distressed I am with what's happened. My H didn't value me, and so doesn't deserve me and I have no interest in keeping the door open for him in the future. It's not a strategy to win him back,,, instead I am eager to get on with my life without him. It can only get better.
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I too got to a point where enough is enough and I won’t tolerate his behaviour towards me or my children. If we never see him again then so be it. Nothing I can do about it other than live my life. Xx
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I remember my H telling me that he told his EA OW that it was over at the BD and then he told me that she was very angry and told him that she "wished him well when H and my relationship hit the sh*t fan again. He moped for days befre he told me that he was leaving the house. I know his text notification goes off A LOT when he's over to get our kiddo sometimes, but lately he rolls his eyes when the text notification goes off and he looks annoyed.
I guess these OW aren't so great after a while after all.
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Thanks for the pep talk 1T! Are you a coach in RL? :)
D35 showed a friend of hers a photo of the om. Her friend said "Ewww! Your mom left your dad for that?" :D
While I was reading 1Ts post I found myself wondering why the op sticks around for so long. I can sort of understand the MLCer sticking around because they're depressed and confused and it's the easiest thing to do but why do the ops not leave? Most of them have a history of short relationships. StillBaffled's Mrs. NumberSix? may be one of the worst but even she is still hanging on last I knew.
I think if the MLCer were more sane and actually wanted to be with the op, the op would soon get bored and move on. But I don't think the MLCers ever really commit to the ops and I think the ops know that, hence the stupid games that they play, trying to prove to the world that they "won" when they know that it really isn't true. What the op may not realize is that the MLCer isn't really able to commit to anyone while they're in crisis.
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I guess these OW aren't so great after a while after all.
Remember mighty, how RCR refers to them: "Life with an alienator is perpetual suffering; but like an addict living in filth only for his fix, the suffering is often without realization."
She makes perfect sense (yet again....!)
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Wow 1T....you need to go to the hairdresser more frequently lol....thank you for your post. It certainly did reinforce some old beliefs that I had forgotten about. I have printed your post out, so that I can re-read frequently!
You hit the nail on the head in so many regards! Thanks once again!
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There is talk on here about limerence...…..in my opinion limerence is not the same as MLC...…….its far more complex than that..
For what it's worth, the way I have thought of it for a while is that MLC is a larger syndrome that *includes* limerence. Not that they're the same.
Another way to put it is that not all cases of limerence are MLC-based, but MLC (almost always) involves it.
Even when limerence is not due to MLC, it is still like an addiction and usually includes personality and morality shifts, rewriting history, and extreme negative views of the LBS/partner.
One fascinating feature though is that while MLCers act like the trash they're hooking up with is better than we are, so many of them at the *very same time* say negative things about that person. That feature of MLC I have found remarkably common in many stories. This is a case of actions and words not matching, as is so typical of MLC. Yet the words with this particular angle are truer than the actions--the real person knows that they are choosing poorly.
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Thanks for the pep talk 1T! Are you a coach in RL? :)
D35 showed a friend of hers a photo of the om. Her friend said "Ewww! Your mom left your dad for that?" :D
While I was reading 1Ts post I found myself wondering why the op sticks around for so long. I can sort of understand the MLCer sticking around because they're depressed and confused and it's the easiest thing to do but why do the ops not leave? Most of them have a history of short relationships. StillBaffled's Mrs. NumberSix? may be one of the worst but even she is still hanging on last I knew.
I think if the MLCer were more sane and actually wanted to be with the op, the op would soon get bored and move on. But I don't think the MLCers ever really commit to the ops and I think the ops know that, hence the stupid games that they play, trying to prove to the world that they "won" when they know that it really isn't true. What the op may not realize is that the MLCer isn't really able to commit to anyone while they're in crisis.
I think it's a combination of what many others have said, in that the OPs get some kind of high from it (by "stealing" another person's spouse) like the MLC person and, at least in my case, the OW has a chance to come up from the slums (not to be offensive but it's true). ExH is from a poor country and his OW is attached to him like a tick. For her, it's a chance to jump class and possibly come to the US. Going from living in an apartment with farmer parents (and sleeping in the living room) to living in the big city in a posh apartment, although he only gives her enough money to rent a room lol. She gets $200 a month... :-\ He was also paying for her to go to university but she eventually dropped out. Before their affair, we were paying her $100 a month because she worked at our shop, so getting with exH was like hitting like lottery, literally. She was already selling herself to another guy from her village and sending pics of the money he gave her to exH to make him jealous :o. Crazy people!
And now, even though I do not even live in the same state as exH, she created a fake FB ID to stalk me on. It was spelled slightly different from an ID I had accepted a friend request from back in 2016! I thought that person was one of our employee's wives because it was also friends with one of them, come to find out, and I believe I'm 100% correct, it was actually OP! She has been viewing my FB feed for two years. PSYCHO!!! And I posted a lot of emotional stuff there regarding a family member's death, the affair (indirectly) and all. She watched my breakdown over the course of 2017 and still got into and continued an affair with my then husband. In November of last year, I purged my friend's list and deleted that ID. So a week ago I get a request from the same name again, just spelled slightly different. It was created - you guessed it - in November. I didn't even assume it was her but accepted the request, put it on the restricted list and asked who it was. She said it was her!!! I said, "why are you contacting me???" And she said, "no reason." I messaged exH telling him to put his prostitute on a leash and have her stop harassing me before I sent her nude pics to all her friends and family. He immediately panicked and asked, "what did she say?!" I told him and five minutes later she blocked me ;D ;D Oh and his main ID that has all his family and friends still has a profile pic of us and his relationship status listed as married. We've been divorced for 16 months. These people are mentally ill!
I know she will never dump him. At this point, I believe he could physically harm her and she'd stay. I know he gets verbally abusive and calls her curse words. Things he never said to me. I actually felt sorry for her after reading some of their texts. Having been to their country, I know it's extremely difficult for a woman to get by on her own when she doesn't want to marry any ol' guy and start popping out kids. They have religion and culture against them (Bangladeshis) and it's especially hard when she has no education and no means to afford it. But she met me, interacted with me and I left the country at the time crying because I knew I was going to bury a close family member. They started their affair right after I left and she proceeded to stalk me. So while I do feel pity for her as a human being in that general situation, I sometimes hope she gets run over by a rickshaw! And on my darker days, I contemplate sending all her nasty photos to everyone on her friend's list since I know her real FB ID. But I can't bring myself to stoop that low.
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1trouble - I think your post will be something I will have to read and reread again and again and again. I read it last night before bed and I’m reading it now first thing in the morning. It’s just so accurate and true.
Without being big headed I know I s#it all over Ow looks wise. What’s odd is my MLCer has a definitive type. If you lined up me, and all his past girlfriends before me there is a clear type. We are all dark haired, not skinny more on the curvy side women, we like to tan wear lashes wear makeup wear acrylic nails etc etc. Ow is blonde. Skinny. And only recently had started with the tan lashes makeup and acrylic nails. More than that I know inside I am a nice and decent person. I mean hell during this time when she single handedly has tried stealing my life and baiting me I feel empathy for her. I feel for her as I have friends who I could count on. Aside from family and H. She has nothing and nobody. It’s funny you say about her posting flowers she bought because my H has a specific type of flowers he buys. You can tell his bunches a mile off as I know the florist he uses and everything. Ow uploaded photos of flowers, they had a card from apparently him but the card didn’t give his name. It gave his initials. And I studied the flowers and was convinced she bought them herself. H never liked the photo nor did he comment it even tho her post was thanking him. He never commented “your welcome”
I always knew Ow was not a normal person as a normal person wouldn’t go to my H. Yes he was a lovely man. If she had snatched him before MLC I would have seen the attraction but this is a man who is clearly broken. His mother has seen how broken he is and she has cried many tears. So why would anyone new want in?
Mighty mama - I have the same when my H visits the children. His phone will go. On Thursday this week my washing machine was leaking. H was looking at it and his phone and apple watch began ringing. This was at gone 8pm so it was more than likely Ow. He declined the call. The caller phoned back and he screamed “F#ck off. Leave me a bloody lone” and declined again. I made a comment and he said “oh it’s nobody. I’ll call them lately” so I said “why you calling nobody”
My brain is broken - I wonder the same thing too. So many times now it’s looked like Ow has ended things with H and it looked over. Yuno she made the “I’m single” quote posts on her Instagram and the next you know there is selfies off them. I believe she doesn’t have any intention of ending things. She just feels H pulling away. So she pulls away too in order to make him chase her and so leading her to have her “I won I won again” streak.
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1T thank you so much for your post. I found it very helpful.
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1t pops up and always has something of depth and value to offer. And grace, lots of grace.
So much of what you said is rationally self-evident. Lots and lots of evidence in our own situations and in those we read here.
That most ow are disordered to some extent and nothing to compare oneself with at all.
That many stalk and badmouth the LBS - even when the LBS does not engage with it - bc it is a necessary part of the story for both. To be a better 'twu luv' worth this kind of damage requires a third bit of the triangle to be a shared worse 'not twu luv' to blame in order for ow and the MLCer to be on the same team. The LBS doesn't have to do anything at all, and is best to stay away from it for their own sanity, but the triangle exists in their heads anyway. In a way, the more they do this, the more obvious it is that they are not enough in their own right....only if they 'win' somehow against the LBS.
That the lure of drama and attention is a high for the MLCer, plus being able to avoid all the tough bits of life and looking honestly at the damage they cause to people who have loved and respected them for years.
Idk but I suspect that is why the bloom comes off the rose, not bc of limerence, but bc once the LBS disengages the rationale for the relationship changes. It has to stand or fall on its own merits. And drama highs are exhausting and messy. And if the MLCer does begin to see their own issues more clearly, their needs change. Having said that as 1t also says many probably stay stuck bc there feel they either have to make it work (or what was the point of all the damage) or they can see no way back or forwards (or have the courage or energy to try)
That it is rare that MLCers behave like people in a legitimate, healthy, happy relationship. They deny ow's existence often to the point of absurdity when the cat is well out of the bag and it would cost them nothing. I know my h did this and never once mentioned ow by name even lying on legal paperwork. They often behave quite badly towards ow, or vice versa, or say awful things about them. I still remember my silent shock when my h called ow a 'f**king c**t' a few months before he married her, language I'd never heard him use about any woman in 20 years. Or do the opposite and in the face of hard facts claim that ow is a close cousin of Mother Teresa. Like my h accepting ow's story that she stole from him as an act of love, a demonstration of how strongly she felt about him. ::)
What this post also made me feel though is why it is so easy to see this in others situations and so hard in ones own.
1t and myself are part of the small sub-group of folks whose MLC spouses got quickly married.
1t has the benefit - although I am sure it has often been a double-edged sword - of seeing and hearing more directly from her h than I did with a mostly silent vanisher.
I think some of what makes it hard to get is that a bit of our brain is still running it all through the filter of the person we knew. And indeed the relationship we had with them.
Tbh I think for those of us with vanishers we see so little of the 'new' them that this is a particular challenge bc we don't get enough new evidence to overwrite the old.
So a bit of our brain - which knows what they were like when our relationship started, when they loved us, when we lived with them - assumes unconsciously that they will feel and act the same way just with a different person traded into our spot. Often actually those are the mind movies that hurt the most aren't they? The idea of your spouse doing familiar things but with someone else, cooking the same meals or enjoying the same kind of movies or chatting about the same kinds of things as they used to do with you.
But rationally...idk but I'm not sure that makes sense really. Partly bc ow is not us and will demand different things from them. Partly bc MLCers seem to change so many bits of their lives, not just us. Mostly bc actually this is rarely what it looks like and you can't replace years of love, respect and friendship by just switching faces as 1t says. And most of all bc right after BD ALL our senses and experiences scream that we are NOT dealing with the person we knew, that they are an unrecognisable alien...so how could they be that AND be the person we knew just with someone else. Makes no sense at all.
I guess I wanted to build on 1t's wise words though and cut us all a bit of slack, particularly those who have little contact or facts about their spouse's 'new' life.
We see things in other stories bc we don't have the mental overlay of a spouse we knew intimately. Years of a shared life leave a long list of things we used to know about one human being, deep and broad, everything from their likely choice from a food menu to the books and music they like to the things they worry about or feel but rarely say to others.
So it makes sense to our brain to transpose that person into this situation.
And there may be bits of them...my xh is unlikely to jump out of a plane bc he is deeply terrified of heights...but his favourite food may no longer be lamb and he may no longer consider big visible tattoos as common or like talking about physics or reading bc he lives with a nose-pierced tattooed vegan who left school at 16 and thinks 'Twilight' is a work of great fiction.
Is the MLC version of my h happier? Maybe he is.
But like 1t, if any substantial part of my h exists at all or ever does again, it is unlikely that he will feel content or that a relationship with someone like ow will make him truly happy. He may stay in it, of course; I am assuming that having married her, his bridges are burned and he will. I guess he won't be able to compare both marriages for another 20 years lol.
When I have been at my best in dealing with the sheer incomprehensible insanity of it all, it has always been when I am calm enough to combine my gut with logic. It's a gift when we trip over those moments isn't it? When I am in that place, I know who my h was with all his imperfections and all his best qualities. I know what he saw as good and bad, as things of joy and things of shame. My h would have been as shocked and horrified as I was by what he unleashed. If my h still was in charge of his demons, he would be here as 1t said. And logic? If I accept that something broke in my h and he became an unrecognisable opposite version (or 90% so) not just to me but everyone who knew him best, then of course his new relationship is not going to be the same or meet the same needs or joys. Thinking otherwise a brain habit, but an irrational one.
As 1t also says, makes no practical difference to my actions and choices really in my situation. No Miss Havisham here either. None of us can know if or how much of the person we loved and respected will eventually come out after all of this. They probably don't even know. And ow doesn't know the original so has a vested interest in feeding the MLC version. It is often said that while ow is around they are still in Replay. Easy to assume that it bc of the lure of ow, but tbh I suspect it is more bc what worked for someone broken and running no longer works so well if they start to recover. So, for those of us whose spouses remarried, it is just one more sad bit of the messy trap that will probably keep them running and broken for much longer.
And why after all of this, wondering what leads to any break up is a bit of a waste of time.
The simplest answer is that ow stops getting her needs met...which are probably about winning, attention, drama or lifestyle needs.
Or the MLCer starts to change so their needs become different and what were positives become burdens.
But nothing we do will influence that at all....so best to shrug and stay as far away as possible from the sandpit of the mutually disordered lol.
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Jo Jo, please expand on what her h has to say about ow. I think it helps us all not to 2nd guess ourselves.
my h ow actually had a pic of herself and my h in the middle of a collage with MY kids pics surrounding them. (she has 4 kids of her own) how sick is that.
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Last weekend I met a kind of second or third cousin. His grandparents had emigrated during the fifties but kept in touch. He is immigrating for his young children’s future and he was doing as his Mum had instructed and catching up with relatives he had never met. He is 54 and I liked him immensely.
I took him for a trip out to give my elderly parents a break and explained briefly I am divorcing, due to mlc. He replied ‘that happened to me’ and we talked.
His wife - they’d been young sweethearts -was working very hard and he felt lonely and began going out and leading rather separate lives. He had an affair. He remarried someone who was not the ow who sounds a nice person.
He told me the affair was about attention and being seen. But he said he regrets it terribly. He had spoken to his first wife for an hour the previous week as he often does. He said that when he needs to speak about something it is she he calls and he cannot talk to his second wife in the same way. He felt it was about history and truly being known.
He said he will not change anything as his wife is good and his children need stability. But he wishes he had chosen to address the issues between them. He said ‘your H will regret it’
I say this not to give false hope because with all the choices he is facing with his family, he probably feels rather stressed and I expect the grass is now greener with memories of his first wife.
Another friend I have made - 8 years out now - attended a family function with her grown children and remarried (to a pleasant younger woman, but not ow) ex H. He confided to a son who frequently changes girlsfriends that he was leaving to spend the weekend with his new 35 year old mistress. ( he is 60). He thought the son would appreciate it, but he didn’t. The children don’t want any part of this further deception.
My friend had said she was waiting for this to happen. I was wondering what was up with him. ‘They are unwell l’ she replied. ‘ We just have to relearn we are not half of a whole
And get on with our own lives, being civil for the sake of the children.’
I don’t have any particular message - just two stories I heard last week which illustrate mistakes where one man seems to have taken some responsibility while the other hasn’t. I don’t see either as especially satisfied with life.
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Jo Jo, please expand on what her h has to say about ow. I think it helps us all not to 2nd guess ourselves.
my h ow actually had a pic of herself and my h in the middle of a collage with MY kids pics surrounding them. (she has 4 kids of her own) how sick is that.
What did you want to know? Obviously I only can go by what H has told me. While I do believe he’s come clean and he’s done with the complete lies I do question if he is holding back in what he says. Maybe not even purposely holding back but sometimes I think he is so busy trying to move past this that he doesn’t want to give any energy to the past and he’s not going back there.
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I can see that sense of being really, really known Nerissa that comes from a long happy marriage where you were loved.
Of course in crisis, I suspect that is almost the opposite of what they want...they DON'T want someone who knows them so they can be free to be someone different.
With time, some may realise - as we LBS do - that what they throw away is irreplaceable. And lots of the first spouses will choose to no longer provide that service.
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It is very funny and odd to me that there are so many similarities between OW as a general rule. I remember when I first found out about Ow. She was complete polar opposite to me and it confused the heck out of me. Now it all makes sense.
But if this is a game or winning to OW. Why do they go through with marriage? Doesn’t that defeat the object!? As that’s a serious thing for a game!
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Ultimate win and proof of being the special real soulmate?
Plus quite a lot of attention and a party?
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Yeah that makes sense actually. Never thought of it like that.
Also as we all seem to have Ow that stalk and copy us. Do our MLCers notice this? Do they see how f*cked up it is or do they enjoy it?
Me personally if I was with someone and they tried morphing into my ex. I would be very weary and big alarm bells would be going off. Do they have a say in the copying? Or is it all Ow?
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The OW in my situation is totally different. She totally has me blocked on all social media sites. I don't mind at all because I don't want to see what she is up too. However, she is pretty much still a secret in H's world and I believe he doesn't know that I know she is back.
OW moved out of town, H followed, H moved back, OW followed but from what I am told, her social media status still says she is living elsewhere. H and OW do nothing in our hometown to close by. Will drive 30 mins to 2 hours away to go out and do things. A mutual friend tells me he does this out of respect for me. Asked her why she thinks this but she won't say. Said it is not her feelings, just something she knows. Ok...my brain wants to put 2 and 2 together.
She does not try to confront me, have any contact with me or comment on anything I post nor do I have any interest in her. I have not banned her from any social media that I have. I just don't care if she looks or not. I do not air out my dirty laundry on any social sites. Just fun things...like date nights with GS, inspirational and funny memes too. So if she wants to look. Go ahead. Should she ever get mean or vindictive I wouldn't have a problem blocking her. I almost feel like she knows she can't live up to my standards so she is avoiding me at all costs. Not saying she is a bad person. She is a professional but she chooses a "low" lifestyle where as I choose a more "wholesome" lifestyle. aka not taking home any man that shows interest.
H shut down his FB account and has snap and IG only. She commented on a few posts at the very beginning I am told, but since then...nothing. Almost like she is trying to keep the whole affair a secret too.
Truth be told, I have nothing but empathy for her. She has to have so little value in herself that she finds it acceptable to not only go after but stay in a relation with a man who is married and says he has no intention of EVER marrying her. Hence...no committment ever. She has never really had any relationship that lasts more than 3 to 5 years...she is now over 50 and her pickings get slimmer and slimmer. She has a terrible reputation for being a bar fly but that doesn't seem to matter either.
I am told that her FB posts consist primarily of pics of herself alone, nature picks and occassionally her GS.
Should she ever try to contact me, I would be civil and kindly tell her I have no interest in what she has to say, now or ever because she means nothing to me and I don't want to hear her spew.
As far as their affair, I know it won't last. She doesn't know my real H. In fact, when they were out of the area, he posted a pic on IG that she took....he looked horrible and she never stopped him from posting it. When I say horrible....I mean he looked really really really bad. No smile, sunken eyes and cheeks, color was off. So this is the man she knows and claims to LUV...have at it. She is doing nothing for him and definately making things worse or him and not better. This pic was taken 2 weeks after he left the area to go and join the LUV of his life. I can see how happy that made him.
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My OW posted a similar photo of H too. She’s posted photo of his hands holding a coffee cup despite the fact he has self harm marks all over his hands 🤷🏻♀️ I can’t figure out why she did that to this day.
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He told me the affair was about attention and being seen. But he said he regrets it terribly. He had spoken to his first wife for an hour the previous week as he often does. He said that when he needs to speak about something it is she he calls and he cannot talk to his second wife in the same way. He felt it was about history and truly being known.
No truer words. I have noticed a lot of this personally with Beast. Coming to me with deep emotional issues. Stuff you just don't share with your ''ex'' anything. Yet here he was ignoring me day to day, but when the $h!te hits then fan..it's me he comes to. ???
There is a reason I say I felt we are on the same wave length. That connection I just have never found with anyone else. The connection Beast always seemed so afraid of. And you have described it perfectly. The feeling of being known. Truly known. All your beauty and flaws and foils and joys and sorrows. A soul deep knowing.
It is so easy with your first high school sweet heart. You fall madly in love, you share anything and everything. You know each others histories and then you grow up into adults together.
No matter what OW he picked, he could never re simulate that. What he could re simulate was the carefree, responsibility free, younger period of our life. Dump the kids on me because he knows I am a good mom. And run off to do whatever it is he feels he needs to do to fix the gaping chasm inside himself. Who would have thought that getting rid of me wasn't he answer? ;)
I can see that sense of being really, really known Nerissa that comes from a long happy marriage where you were loved.
Of course in crisis, I suspect that is almost the opposite of what they want...they DON'T want someone who knows them so they can be free to be someone different.
With time, some may realise - as we LBS do - that what they throw away is irreplaceable. And lots of the first spouses will choose to no longer provide that service.
Another banger. Beast has said as much. That I am apparently stronger, more opinionated, and call him on his BS. He needs be around women who are more pliable and believe his $h!te. He needs to lie. He needs to change who he is, because he so full of self loathing and a bottomless pit of no self esteem...he needs a cheering fan filled adoration squad to feel anything. Your wife of 15 years loving and adoring you is boring. Been going on for ages. But the (insert ridiculous age) co worker/gym partner/lunatic who squeals and adores the fake you?! Perfect for escaping.
I have also told him what we had was irreplaceable. It can't be recreated, or relieved. You can't just pick another person, and get a re do. Life doesn't work that way. And I have lost count of how many times he has said ''things are different'' with her. How they don't share the same sense of humour, or he can't talk about certain things....because that would be revealing to much of the real him.
But if this is a game or winning to OW. Why do they go through with marriage? Doesn’t that defeat the object!? As that’s a serious thing for a game!
The game for the OW is winning. She needs to be so special that a man will do anything for her. The pull of having a ''family, stable, happy'' man who shows loyalty for X number of years is a powerful aphrodesiac. She wants that. She doesn't wanna sift through the pile of losers to find her own...she wants the one right in front of her. So she becomes everything he wants. She befriends him. She listens to all his complaints about his wife...then pretends she is everything he needs. She is carefree, she isn't controlling, she is fun and free and sexy....all he needs to do is be a man and free himself from his torturous troll wife. Eventually a man who is depressed, bored, stressed or whatever starts to believe it. They start to wonder if they made a mistake. They start to look at their wife in her stained pajamas reading to the kids, wondering why she is never dressed up anymore....why she is home all day but the floor is still dirty. He goes and makes all the money, he is a slave to this household...and no one can be bothered to do anything. If only he had a sweet young thing to adore him for what he is...that would make him feel better....and before you know it we end up here.
They can't see the love the woman of X number of years gives. It is old, it is routine, it has been there so long it has lost its potency to cure his ego. He doesn't see the wife loving their child, being a good mother, the stains as a sign she has spent all day making a dinner in he kitchen. They can't see the love because all they see is the poison they have heard. That she has let herself go, she doesn't try, she can't love you....She is not longer a human she is failing as a person.....and she doesn't even know it.
So the deep dark anger and resentment starts. Blocking her out, not telling her whats wrong, always saying ''Im fine'' while texting funny and whitty things ....being charming and a fake macho awesome self to said lunatic. And she eats it up like candy because she is winning. He loves her. He is on his way to her. They are going to have a fairytale ending! Limerance and teenage love- athon commenceth. All the while she quietly wonders to herself, does he really love her? Does he still love his wife? Is he thinking about her right now? Are they still sleeping together? Round and round and round it goes in her mind.
Then the destruction happens and he regrets everything. What has he done? He was so wrong but he can't ever admit that. So he goes along with whatever is easier for him at the time. Whatever he can fill his time with and keep him from thinking....but sometimes in those quiet moments...his brain won't stop. He dreams about his wife and kids, he wonders what they are doing. If his kids will love him when they are older. Does his wife hate him? Does she still think about him? Why didn't she just act the way she was supposed to act? Why is he still not happy?
And then begins the decline. She slowly starts to show her true colours, the act slips, her perfect not wife self...is losing steam because it is fake. It was fantasy created to trap him..and he is starting to pull away so what does she do? Well he seemed to like SOMETHING about his wife for X years...she must have done something right?! So she stalks her, she changes her hair, nails, make up, mannerism, poses...anything to emulate whatever it is she is missing that is not keeping him locked in. This is probably when a lot of them start acting loopy. Starting drama, breaking up and making up, increased love bomb social media posts. Anything...anything to keep the ''love real''.
And hopefully by now the wife has dragged herself up out the ground. She is stronger and more resilient. She takes less crap, she has been so self conscious about her looks she has changed her hair, her clothes, her weight...whatever. And she feels better and happy.
Now the husband wonders what he is missing, why is she doing so well...and starts to pull closer...and then OW goes insane. So she starts hammering in stuff women want. Cut off connection with your wife, move in with me, lets get engaged, lets go on holiday, lets get married. SHOW me you love me. SHOW THE WORLD you love me. Because really, deep down, she is scared $h!teless.
You know...total expert or whatever...but yeah. ::) 8)
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Ow posted pic of h staring out into endless snow. Can’t even see his face really. Lots and lots of snow. Ow likes and laughs at alot at quotes aimed towards me but I see nothing of ow personal account as I am blocked along with kids other than profile pic which are usually quotes about killing someone. H was never interested in social media but now has an account, kids and me blocked. Ow prefers to use a public community for woman with a partner who have a crazy psycho ex drama baby mama! Apparently that’s me! And yet I post nothing and don’t comment and don’t contact. Still all my fault though.
I can’t really see it ending, ow does all hobbies with h now. Changes most of their shifts so can go to walk together on same shifts. H said he considers himself not married. In that case please finish your finances and divorce. Xx
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Case in point Phoenix.
She needs a public show of love. She needs to keep you the bad guy by bad mouthing you...because she thinks about you all the time. It will always be YOUR fault even though she got herself in this mess. ::)
She does all her hobbies with him, because she needs to be with him, because she doesn't trust him, and he might forget her.
He isn't married. He is enslaved.
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Your earlier post, Morte? Should be a sticky imho.
Spot on.
It also made me think that they blow us to pieces and leave us drowning in grief and shock...while ow is full of fun and sparkles...bc no one has just kicked her in the face, ripped her life apart, left her worrying about the mortgage and left her kids hunting for a missing face. So the LBS is far from their best shiny fun self and ow is nothing but admiration and sexy times....how unfair is that to be judged on by anyone?
But
With time, we get up off our knees. We dig in to the very best of who we were before them but even more so bc we have been forged like iron. And we carry all the good irreplaceable stuff, the place where they were a good human and husband and father. And we rise up without them.
But
Ow? Whatever she is in the first few weeks or months of the affair is the very best she can and will ever be. And she gets the very worst of the men we loved.
Tortoise and hare story all over again imho. Just takes some of that infamous Time. :)
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And we get to keep our dignity and self respect. 8)
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This thread is AWESOME.
Mortesbride - it’s like you know my H. Your post basically described my life exactly, up to his catchphrase - ‘I’m fine.’ I just hope and pray the rest of my story pans out the way you finish your post.
With H’s EA2, I tried to explain to him she wasn’t after him per se, that there was a kind of woman who enjoyed knowing she could take another woman’s man away, like it was some special endorsement of how uniquely sexy, beautiful, blah blah blah she was. In marriage counselling later he disclosed that he felt really insulted whenever I said this - in true self-centred fashion he took my comment to be a critique of how undesirable he actually was, i.e I was saying she didn’t want him for himself really. He made me out to be some sour b!tch that believed that no one else could want him really. Even though I had always told him how beautiful I thought he was. When he told me this in counselling I was flabbergasted, and told him in front of the counsellor what I’ve told him for years - I married him because he was the best man I ever met. He just shook his head. This thread is incredibly gratifying in seeing the same OW characteristics re-emerging again and again. I didn’t just make it up.
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Wow mort, that’s all I can say, that sounds exactly right. Xx
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I will be very sad to see this thread locked at 150 posts hahaha! But I do love it. As much as this forum makes me realise I’m not alone. This thread alone makes me realise literally I’m really not alone. Even Ow is similar.
It’s funny because my Ow likes to post things about me as though I’m stalking her life, as tho I’m doing this and that to her and as though I’m causing her grief. I haven’t messaged Ow in over a year now. I have never in my life made a indirect post about her. I have caught H in some photos WITH OUR CHILDREN. But now I see why, she had to show the world I’m the crazy one. I’m the one with the issues etc. I mean projection anyone!
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But if this is a game or winning to OW. Why do they go through with marriage? Doesn’t that defeat the object!? As that’s a serious thing for a game!
Don't forget, eventually they will divorce and she will get to keep half of his prizes.
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Marriage is the ultimate evidence of the win. No one can argue who prevailed, can they? Divorce can also be another win, especially if it's their call or if they get lots of goodies from the divorce, like a fat spousal support payment of a house or two for themselves.
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I read a meme a while ago that read:
The best revenge when another woman steals your man is to let her keep him.
A REAL man can't be stolen
Honestly most of things blow up at some point with very little involvement on our part. In fact the more we remove ourselves from it the better. The drama, the lies, the sorded details..protect yourself from the proverbial crap hitting the fan.
You'll make out waaaay better emotionally.
What broke up the ex's affair ? Oh it was a drama filled extrodinare before it was entirely over with.A few of the things that happened before that were:
He finally found out she had been lying to him about just about everything.
She over compensated compliment wise,he started to realize she was really going over the top. Then later found out she was trying to keep him from meeting this other woman because he might add it up the exow was a thief (just like him) But instead said to him:
"Oh I don't want you to meet her. If she does meet you she is going to want you."
He fell for a lot of lines, but he didn't fall for that one.
She stole money from him.
And his kids would have nothing to do with him with her in the picture.
Part two the explosion was much more spectacular.
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Morte great, great post on the OW/MLCer dynamics!
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In it - I must say with my own Ow I’ve noticed that a lot too. At the beginning (very soon after BD in my defence) I would try and subtly wind Ow up. As H is a clinging boomerang he would spend lots of time with me running errands, sweeping my leaves etc and the petty side to me would upload a photo to my Instagram. Purely because I knew she was watching. I mean that would cause a slight stir and they would argue a bit. However now I know what to do and not to do and I’m much more detached. Even tho every so often he will still do these things.....I keep them to myself. I notice the poop hitting the fan ALOT more when I’m quite and do nothing than when I made a point of winding things up.
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I agree, Mort that was a great post! :)
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Someone once said to me Sachat3.
Take the high road.
Wasn't easy by any means, but worth it.
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Thanks everyone.
Gettingbackup he was so upset, because he needs her to make him feel special...just as she needs him to leave everything to make her feel special. I would expect he would react pretty intensely to that idea being challenged. And let's be honest...they take every tiny thing that could possibly be construed as criticism 100 times out of proportion because they have no self esteem left. You can give him 30 compliments, and he will only hear the 1 negative. ::)
Sachat I think the reality is, as much as we think about OM/OW they probably think about us 4-5x as much. Most of my thoughts these days are something like ''Wow he is being shifty, she must be around'' or....''Oh he's wearing a colour of shirt he never woulda bought before...guess she got him to do that''.....but otherwise I don't waste a lot of thought on her. That obviously isn't true in the beginning but...the point is, she only enters my mind fleetingly as the reasons why he is acting a certain way. No other time or energy is wasted on her. I know what attracted him...she looks like I did 15 years ago, he is trying to recreate that time when ''I saved him'' when he was in his pit. It is so stereotypical and obvious that it really doesn't matter WHO she is as a person to me. She just fit the description box. But she can never be me. She can never replace me...so I stopped thinking about her for the most part.
I guarantee you she is not the same. She gets upset with him when he texts me...he commented about all women being jealous about that. He also now has two phones (never happened EVER), and at the moment I can tell when she is around because I get no texts. She constantly worries about his feelings for his wife, his kids, how MIL and BIL feel about her since they seem to try to avoid being in the house...Why he has no pictures of her up in his room, or on social media. Why the pictures of his wife and kids are still hanging in the living room at MIL where she regularly visits. Why he is still married....why they don't go out in public very much...why why why...and deep down she knows. She knows he doesn't really love her, so she needs proof. She needs to see what we are doing, what is he looking at? Round and round and I just couldn't be bothered with that level of monkey braining. How exhausting and unfulfilling. But I suppose those few moments they are together, make it all seem worth it...cuz you know...love conquered all ::)...until Wed when he has to visit his stupid kids again >:(. ;)
I think the marriage is more the ultimate win in the OM/OW mind. The brand that says to the world 'he is mine'. I think for the MLCer it is ''just go along and shut them up/what else can I do now?!'' sorta defeatist mentality. For the LBS it is a breaking of something we thought was sacred. Our promise to each other...blah blah blah. But let us be honest. If they married us, when they wanted to, when they were in love, when we were not manipulating them into it....and then they left. What possibly is going to keep them in a new marriage with less history, less love, less social acceptance, more baggage, more lies, more pain, more distrust?
Answer..Nothing.
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And then begins the decline. She slowly starts to show her true colours, the act slips, her perfect not wife self...is losing steam because it is fake. It was fantasy created to trap him..and he is starting to pull away so what does she do? Well he seemed to like SOMETHING about his wife for X years...she must have done something right?! So she stalks her, she changes her hair, nails, make up, mannerism, poses...anything to emulate whatever it is she is missing that is not keeping him locked in. This is probably when a lot of them start acting loopy. Starting drama, breaking up and making up, increased love bomb social media posts. Anything...anything to keep the ''love real''.
And hopefully by now the wife has dragged herself up out the ground. She is stronger and more resilient. She takes less crap, she has been so self conscious about her looks she has changed her hair, her clothes, her weight...whatever. And she feels better and happy.
Now the husband wonders what he is missing, why is she doing so well...and starts to pull closer..
It’s like you are writing my story for me! Everything is spot on except the last 5 words...and he starts to pull closer....The decline, for what I can see started on the first breakup 12/31. Obviously it was prior but since I don’t waste time watching I don’t know when so I use the breakup date. This last breakup seems to be lasting longer (2/23). OW would have her IG account public and then when trouble started she changed to private. It is still private, lol. H has changed his focus from her to the kids. That is the only pull closer I see and this began at the 1st of the year. The last weeks since the latest breakup he has been even better with the kids. He makes meals takes them to lunch and breakfast and they say he is “normal”. He has also went back to working out more. The workouts decreased by 50% beginning in December. He has said the workouts give him peace. I think it’s a distraction of what he has done or doing. Let’s his mind rest for an hour. I have not seen an awakening but wonder if he isn’t in the process of it. H stays away from me and the house as much as he can. If communication is needed I text him and he continues to be kind~he did not monster. I would love your take on this! Oh and I know this can change tomorrow they are unpredictable!
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I think the marriage is more the ultimate win in the OM/OW mind. The brand that says to the world 'he is mine'. I think for the MLCer it is ''just go along and shut them up/what else can I do now?!'' sorta defeatist mentality. For the LBS it is a breaking of something we thought was sacred. Our promise to each other...blah blah blah. But let us be honest. If they married us, when they wanted to, when they were in love, when we were not manipulating them into it....and then they left. What possibly is going to keep them in a new marriage with less history, less love, less social acceptance, more baggage, more lies, more pain, more distrust?
Answer..Nothing.
Like you, I've never given ow much thought other than the initial shock of realising who she was and my unasked for copy of their wedding picture ::)
Not sure why. My pride? Never been a very jealous person bc I've never been betrayed before? Arrogance? Probably a bit of all of those, but mostly it just didn't feel like that was the heart of the problem. Never did. Some of the anonymous note contents hurt me, but that was bc it suggested some terrible things about my h and some things he had said to her.
Morte, you are on fire and in danger of becoming an ow 'expert' like one of those scientists who specialise in gorillas or something. Not sure it's a skill you want lol, but hope your clarity here is helping you as much as it is helping others.
Not sure I entirely agree with you about the marriage thing though.
Others who have this as part of their situation may chime in with their thoughts, of course.
I knew - in one of those gut feeling moments - when watchgate came up and forced us to talk on the phone for idk a month or so (well he talked, I said very little) that whatever his marriage to ow represented to my then h, he was just putting one foot in front of the other. There was no joy, not even a sense of relief tbh, nothing like he was when we got married when he was almost dancing with delight. :'( And he knew it was a bad idea, told me his psychiatrist said so and he agreed, knew she was a thief and a liar, knew he was still ill, denied it was happening if I remember right....I said nothing about it as I recall....but he did it anyway. From the little I know it sounds as if ow and him had been planning it since at least Jan 17 so I susoec ow had been on a mission for a long time and that probably prodded his 'divorcevis the only option' sudden announcement out of the blue. Bc it made no sense at the time but of course divorce IS the only option if someone else wants you to marry them isn't it? In a weird MLC logic way ::) No idea how it felt to him to marry someone else, to say those words to someone who was not me...even a sane healthy person I think would have some ghosts in their head. I do recall he looked dreadful in the photos!
I get the argument you are making of a kind of unreal easy come, easy go element to ending an MLC marriage. But the 'reason' for the marriage is essentially different isn't it? Not love as we understand it, but a kind of psychological need nonetheless. Tbh rationally (strange as itbis to put that word into this kind of discussion lol) I can see three outcomes.
1. It becomes self evident after a while that you have gone from frying pan to really bad fire and that forces you to hit rock bottom
2. You are still not happy but really want to avoid rock bottom so you find ow#? and tie yourself up in a hideous second ow-flavoured divorce for a few years when ow becomes the bad guy, 'new' ow is the really real soulmate and you think wistfully of your LBS after a couple of drinks
3. You know that if you admit publicly and to yourself most of all that this marriage was an insane mistake then your whole justification story for everything you have done collapses round your ears...and that is the very thing you have been running from...so you keep pretending, keep running with new houses, holidays etc and stick it out. Otherwise what was it all for given that you trashed years of your old life, your family and probably your finances?
My best guess - given the underpinnings of a MLC - is that the likely outcome is in reverse order...3, 2 then 1. Probably depends on the individual balance between fear/shame and external events like ow's actions or money problems or kids if there are any with the LBS/ow etc. And none of those outcomes mean any kind of reconnection or remorse towards the LBS of course.
I remember my L saying that in her trade they call these marriages 'repeat business' and that she would give it 5 years max and expect that my h's second divorce would be even more brutal (for him) than his first :) in my situation, if I was a betting woman, I would bet on no 3 for my h and the concomitant years of misery and depression that will go with it. My h would have to be the bravest, most honest and most unconcerned about others' judgment he has ever been in his life to do anything other than 3, AND without any of his old support system of me and his old friends that he binned too so pretty unlikely imho.
Sad...but not my problem. He isn't the man who was my much-loved h and he chose this path when there were plenty of other options.
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I try not to think of Ow. And I think most days I don’t. Unless someone else mentions her or I can tell from Hs mood he’s grumpy which is usually because of her etc she doesn’t cross my mind.
But currently H lives with his brother the two of them live in a family size house (it was XMIL house etc but they moved out so BIL took over the rental agreement) and they are struggling to pay the rent and bills so BIL may need to move out. Which means H will need to look for somewhere else. Oddly enough H mentioned that he couldn’t have the children as I’m not yet letting Ow meet them and he said “but if someone is paying 50% of the rent and bills I can’t expect them not to be around” that mate me chuckle as it basically told me H would live with Ow more out of convince. And not because of moving to the next level. I don’t mind H living with Ow. It doesn’t bother me BUT I’m more bothered about the prospect of OW meeting my children. That I do not want happening. She’s said vile things about my Vhildren in the past and aside from that she’s shown she’s not a stable person. But if this is such a big “I win game” to her. She will want to meet my children and want to play the whole “I’m the cool lady” buy them things etc etc.
So whilst Ow in most cases doesn’t consume much of my thoughts. Hardly any of her alone or just with H. It’s the prospect of her with the children I dislike ALOT.
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My h never wanted ow in 3 yrs to meet our children until he became a virtual vanisher. Like you sachet3 ow will not meet my children as she has also shown she is unstable and said things about my children. My children don’t want to meet ow and currently won’t see their father and h is not bothered about seeing his children. H does things now with his “new family” which comprises of ow and her parents. H stupidly told local support worker this. Local support agree children are best to not see their father at present and certainly not to have anything to do with ow. I don’t think Rick bottom will come for h as he seems to keep himself occupied with new toys and holidays abroad. Bearing in mind s15 has been suicidal, h has not contacted our children since xmas xx
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It's his loss, Rising.
He will regret this some day, big time.
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I agree with Thunder.
But tbh right now it sounds as if it is best for your kids to be far away from him, ow and his rollercoaster. I'm so glad that people in the system are seeing that and supporting you, RP, bc that isn't how it goes from some LBS.
His absence is more of a gift than a curse imho. And you are getting stronger and stronger :)
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That’s awful and I think if my children were older They would have their own say but my children are 2,5 and 7. So it’s almost like they do as they are told. As of yet H has only mentioned it in the midst of an argument about if he moved out having children st his where Ow would live. He’s never even wanted to take them on a day out with her. But I’m weary the two lives could be hard to keep up.
At the moment he sees them st my house
most evenings after work and then on a Saturday night he will have them at his (next door) overnight. This trip overnight allows me to go out and let my hair down. The children enjoy sleeping over at daddy’s but I just don’t trust Ow. I told H in the argument we had the other week. She was unstable and he said “she’s aloud around children you know” as she has a nephew and spends many times babysitting him. But that’s not my concern.
I told H that Ow needs to apologise before she can see children. I’m not sure if her pride will make her apologise. I’m more than prepared to play dorty if needed to keep her away from my children. But I wonder if H will ever ask it she can see them.
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My kids are 24 and 20. H has never introduced them or even mentioned ow to them. He acted as if she was non-existent. He allowed her to tag him in posts on FB - only daughter had FB. He obviously knew the relationship was not permanent and that there was no need to bring them into his “fantasy” relationship. He even expressed to our dental assistant on 10/31 that he would never move in or marry her! I guess I am lucky to not to have to deal with having young kids and dealing with ow. I am sorry for all of you in this situation!
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Treasur, yes I am lucky Lst worker has also seen how h and ow behave first hand and have reported that they have no issue with my parenting or safeguarding my children but have had to report on h actions.
Thunder, it is his loss but I really didn’t want it to get to a stage where he regrets it and all is lost with his children but it seems to have come to that.
Sachet, I think I have been lucky in that my children are older although d13 was 9 at the time and up until recently kept giving her dad more chances to engage than he deserves but that was her choice. We function as a family and have peace and a lot more happiness without h drama. I’m one way it is sad that we are better without him but I much prefer the peace that comes with no contact and son is a lot better. Xx
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My kids are 24 and 20. H has never introduced them or even mentioned ow to them. He acted as if she was non-existent. He allowed her to tag him in posts on FB - only daughter had FB. He obviously knew the relationship was not permanent and that there was no need to bring them into his “fantasy” relationship. He even expressed to our dental assistant on 10/31 that he would never move in or marry her! I guess I am lucky to not to have to deal with having young kids and dealing with ow. I am sorry for all of you in this situation!
Similar situation here. He told me he wouldn’t re marry and suggested he might have her move in but I know he won’t as she really isn’t suitable. I noticed today she has changed her Fb photo to a ‘sexy’ holding-up-hair one in a Mediterranean type patio. So I’m thinking he might have taken it a year or so Ago, although it would have been at her request since he doesn’t take photos.
Anyway, he told my youngest he was going to another posting in a new country . It’s since been cancelled but I think he is trying to escape his current situation and have a change before retiring in a few years since people in the office are aware. I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest. She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends. It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though Inknew she was just an exit strategy. I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.
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Well mine wanted to take kids to OW 2 months after BD. I kept them away from her for a year but since court he has been forcing OW on them. They stay there 2-3 nights per week. He tries to get OW to be their ‘mother’ by doing their hair and talks about her to kids all the time forcing her on them as well as her kids and family. He has made it clear to them that they either accept her or he will chose her and her family. After BD he sent messages say he wants is to move on with OW and their children. SO he has truely replaced me and seems to be heading towards buying a house together and probably married after D. I think his mask in front of OW and everyone else is that hes a great dad and thats explains some of his behaviour. He also often uses them as a tool to hurt me. He is also trying to force her own his family. This is despite her being a complete AD and humiliating to his family. But he cant seem to see this at all and in fact flaunts her very public ally.
IDK whats worse- if he didnt bother with them at all or that they see him and his rejecting behaviours first hand as well as being exposed to OW.
Any one heard of any reconciliation stories following a situation like this? Where both lives have collided so spectacularly?
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Nerissa-
I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest. She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends. It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though I knew she was just an exit strategy. I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.
I am sorry to ask, but I do not know your story. What stage is your spouse at? How long has OW been gone? My H's OW is currently out of the picture so I am interested in your info as we do have similarities. It would be great to hear how your spouse left his ow and how he acted towards you and your kids.
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Hello,
First of all, I have been trying to research and define the MLC affair. At first I always thought of the Male MLCer in the affair as more of the physical gratification of the affair as the draw while the female MLCer as the emotional connection being th draw.
I read that the"romantic affair is not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people), but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet."
An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades older or younger, someone dependent or dominating, someone with bigger problems than your own is crazily stimulating that it is like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again."
"Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner"
These ideal romance partners are damsels or dumsels in distress, people without a life, but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight to escape.
Death of a parent, unexpected job failure or success, health crisis, and other turning points- any situation which they must face a lot of reality and grow up.
The interesting fact, romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Food for Thought,
Ready
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Nerissa-
I’m thinking he probably doesn’t see her now - or if he does, then rarely, and if the photo is one of a time when they were together, then it’s a kind of ‘look what you are missing’ protest. She has the obligatory cute emoticons and ‘sooooo hot’ comments from her fellow kidult friends. It surprising how different the apparent evidence that they are not together affects me, even though I knew she was just an exit strategy. I still have to face the truth that he doesn’t want to be with me though and it is still hard.
I am sorry to ask, but I do not know your story. What stage is your spouse at? How long has OW been gone? My H's OW is currently out of the picture so I am interested in your info as we do have similarities. It would be great to hear how your spouse left his ow and how he acted towards you and your kids.
Hope, so as not to clutter the thread, I’ve sent you a pm.
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Any one heard of any reconciliation stories following a situation like this? Where both lives have collided so spectacularly?
Bewildered, from what I have learned a situation like this is more common than not. MLC is often a fast moving, crazy, frantic, dopamine fuelled, race to spectacular destruction of one's life and the lives of all those who mattered to them. Reconciled MLC marriage partners often report such destruction beginning early in the MLC.
What is also frequently reported is that reconciliation very rarely occurs before the 3 - 4 year mark after BD. You are only at 18 or 19 months since BD. The very best thing you can do now if you want a reconciliation is to completely let him go and let him twist in the wind. There is likely another 2 years of this behaviour of his continuing, before anything significant will change. During that time don't waste a minute wondering what he's doing and why. Many reconciled couples report that when this happened the MLCer DID notice and it did lead to faster growth through the crisis. With no more impediments (you) in their way of reaching what they THINK they want, the sooner the air in the balloon deflates leaving them wondering wtf have I done and why did I even want this new life?? Best if you can have no expectations regarding reconciliation because there are no guarantees and it doesn't always happen. But your best chance may be to back right off and let it all be to run it's course.
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I will risk telling a perspective that my husband has shared several times. He no longer says this to me ... it just is not "safe". I need to curse my face off for a minute ...! OK, here goes. He and I were in a very heated "discussion" and he was responding with a lot of anger . He rarely responds in anger, so it escalated rapidly unfortunately. YOU are angry with ME ??? , I remember saying ..that will NEVER happen. Regardless, out his mouth came " I never even had an affair !!". Sweet J****s. Prayers for him... but , he stuck to this . He ( apparently ) has had many conversations with his therapists and come to different understandings about things about himself, his actions, his choices etc . His "meaning" was NOT to let himself off the hook or to justify etc ...but to understand a far deeper experience or happening , than an affair. He had a breakdown ...PERIOD. In everyway possible...he broke. Inside of that wreckage of a broken man , he did a lot of utterly catastrophic things. He quit his job, he left his home, he thought about suicide, he moved to another city to "learn to live alone ". He was a "lone wolf" in his emptiness . And he had an affair as part of his broken search to feel "anything". He did NOT have an "affair" in the true sense of how we understand affairs to be. Many of us know that or understand that this is very different ( a MLC affair VS any other kind of affair) and it is what he was clumsily trying to say . This "affair" during a mlc has a purpose. It is a " re-enactment" of childhood trauma in effort to heal it ... for the final time. And I do understand this in terms of my husband and his affair "person.
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Anon- fast moving, frantic and destructive it most certainly is. Im not sure at this point im standing for reconciliation. I guess im curious about similar stories for some hope that they perhaps burn through their crisis quicker. My MLCer is moving very fast with OW and is a high energy monster so there may be hope that means quicker to rock bottom to.
It is very early days and no way near the end. I am moving forward with my life and trying my best to detach with no expectations most days. But on bad days hold on to hope that some of the monstering stops and that H has some kind of awaking before he becomes even more involved with OW....especially for the kids sake.
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This "affair" during a mlc has a purpose. It is a " re-enactment" of childhood trauma in effort to heal it ... for the final time. And I do understand this in terms of my husband and his affair "person.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sure it is true.
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This "affair" during a mlc has a purpose. It is a " re-enactment" of childhood trauma in effort to heal it ... for the final time. And I do understand this in terms of my husband and his affair "person.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sure it is true.
I can totally relate to this! H moved out and went home to live with his adopted mom due to unfinished emotional business. I believe he also used his affair to resolve abandonment issues with his bio mother, and his parents, His parents favored his younger brother and I know he felt that he never measured up to his brother. His brother was spoiled and got all the attention. H was pushed to be the good child. He did everything they wanted him to do and not what he really wanted to do. He pleased everyone else just to feel loved and that he felt he was not good enough ~low self esteem. The OW is used to search for the unconditional love that he never received from his parents. The OW accepted him and praised him in every aspect. (not that I didn't) But she stoked his ego on everything. She was USED by him and it shows in so many areas. It seems that he took what he needed from her and now he is finished with her (hopefully). She was never his type, broken like him and she was very weak. As they say they find someone like themselves and we all know that it can't last.
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His brother was spoiled and got all the attention. H was pushed to be the good child. He did everything they wanted him to do and not what he really wanted to do. He pleased everyone else just to feel loved and that he felt he was not good enough ~low self esteem.
Hope - this is a TEXTBOOK Narcissistic Family.
I strongly urge for you to Google Narcissistic Family for further info (Christine Hammond, for one, authors excellent articles on it). I've recommended it to One Day at a Time in the past, and she immediately identified with it.
Until later...Godspeed :)
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New thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10707.new#new
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When I previously mentioned that MLC provides an opportunity ( by the universe or God or mother nature )to face and heal childhood wounds or trauma that have been subconsciously buried ( but dictating behaviors, thinking, emotions etc), it was an explanation given to my husband by his therapist. I am sure that there is far more to the explanation and I got the very "short version". His therapist Jung trained and works with many men in midlife transitions or "crisis". From my limited understanding , the OW is "used" as some symbol or figure that allows a " happening or awakening" ( or some such event) to happen. Again, it is so complex, I have a very limited understanding...just an "idea". Somehow this person ( OW) represents the parent/event that caused the trauma.
The OW accepted him and praised him in every aspect. (not that I didn't) But she stoked his ego on everything. She was USED by him and it shows in so many areas. It seems that he took what he needed from her and now he is finished with her (hopefully).
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My husband felt total acceptance and validation from his OW-cow ( sorry..hard to even type ). That she thought he was "perfect godlike" and that he made her insanely "happy". ( the very thing he could not make me apparently ..."happy") . Well, limerance is at work as well so all the gushy new-love chemicals are all fired up and this is likely better than anything he has felt for a long time. Lifted him from his depression for very short periods. She asked NO questions. Told him he was "rock solid man " ( that still amuses the sh&t out of me ) . She touched him spontaneously , she glowed when she looked at him, she thanked him with such appreciation when he arrived with her two dollar wine. She accepted and believed everything he said . She told him that she "loved " him. Sickening to me .And in there some firework worthy sex I imagine . He felt unconditional love , that he was good enough exactly as he was and he was the most appreciated walk on water man that ever existed . This is how a mother should love her child ...unconditionally. But my husbands mother abandoned him at age 3 1/2 . She must NOT have loved him with unconditional love, otherwise she never would have left him. And ( as children believe) it was his fault she left, he must have been "bad" or unworthy of unconditional love. Somehow, thru all these subconscious interactions .. there is a healing or atleast an ability to now start that process . A spouse cannot be the "chosen " one , apparently it has to be an OW. Why? I will never really know that answer but injustice seems to stack up against us starting here . As much as I have googled this phenomenon , I have never found a good explanation for all of it .
But she stoked his ego on everything. She was USED by him and it shows in so many areas. It seems that he took what he needed from her and now he is finished with her (hopefully). She was never his type, broken like him and she was very weak. As they say they find someone like themselves and we all know that it can't last.
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Yes. In my husbands case, she was without question "used" . Maybe the purpose ( as above) was complete and he dumped her in a VERY cold and cowardly way. And he NEVER went near her again. I wrote her a letter and I did deliver it to her . I told her that "she was used as nothing more than a blowup doll for a broken man, that she was astonishingly easy to pull the plug and and tossed back in the re-cycling bin where he found her . " My husbands affair lasted 9 months . I am not sure why it was so quick and done , when I frequently read otherwise. She was fresh out of jail , on probation for assaulting her husband ( convicted) , a drunk and likely the worst "affair down " I have seen. But she apparently served a purpose that I will never fully understand. I guess it ended when she was no longer "required" .