Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: calamity on March 28, 2014, 07:38:59 PM
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MLC script continued.
old thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3776.175#top
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My H is more than two years post BD. Its a shame he is hypersensitive and has no sense of humor, as I would love to send him MLC for dummies. What do you think? Is there ever a point we can send them MLC for dummies?
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I sent it mine and also showed his best friend who agreed with every point. I realised straight away it was the wrong thing to do so sent him a caring email after it saying that one was facetious but this one is real (a quote about depression and feeling lost etc) no reply from him to anything helpful or about medical stuff
It was a few months ago, before my 180 etc. I also let him know he is self medicating-he is now admitting to it. It may have helped him see what he is going through is common.
Things he said in the first three months
I'll always love you
We've lost our connection (he withdrew and wouldn't talk or even cuddle me over the summer)
You've robbed me of a normal sex life :(
There's nothing wrong with you, it's the relationship
You never listen to me
You never support me (I let him work abroad for eight years while I worked and did a masters)
I've been unhappy for 15 years ( kids are all under 14)
We should never have got married
I'm broken
I don't know who I am
I've never been without you
I've been trying for years
You didn't like the presents I got you :(
I've been ecstatically happy with you
I like your dress/haircut
I cried on our wedding night in the bathroom because I felt like I'd raped you :( :( :(
You said you didn't like a song I played on guitar (our fave band, I love the song)
You told me off for being late 11 years ago when I'd nearly crashed and was wet from the rain
You're controlling/manipulative/selfish
You always made me do DIY (he chose a wreck of a house to do up)
I could go on all day. Don't dwell on them. They are trying to justify their affair and have to rack their brains to pick out bad things about you
X
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OMG arggh, bar a few points, I heard the same...
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They are deeply sensitive souls who have been hiding in the body of men who have to be strong and only talk about football and barbecues
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Very sad!
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Here are a few of my personal favorites:
We should have broken up before the kids were born.
I want to out you in suspended animation in a bottle until I get through this.
I want to work on our marriage, but I still want her to be my friend.
I think you should sleep with other people, but they can't have a Pen!$ bigger than mine.
I think we should have an open marriage.
I ever enjoyed sex with you.
I find your orgasms a distraction.
I'm glad I'm not at the house to watch (in reference to our dog's hip dysplasia). I'm empathizing with you.
I'm just trying to be happy.
WTF is wrong with me (asking himself why he can't work on our marriage).
And my absolutely, all time favorite when he was explaining why he refused to do anything with me: I don't want to feel like a two-timer.
If these gems aren't proof of a serious need for counseling, I don't know what is!
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You were a horrible wife.
I hope you find someone who deserves your love. (these were a few days apart :o )
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ohhh Doodlebug!! I'm so sorry!!
And Medusa.. :o :o :o :o WOW!!! SERIOUSLY F'ed up I hope you don't give him anymore chances to say $h!te like that!
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I love the Pen!$ one. How did you reply? 'Should they get it out first so I can measure it before wasting time dating them?!'
Seriously though, it's so hard not to take the sex ones personally
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Those comments were certainly designed to hurt me, continue the message that I'm inadequate, and justify his own behavior. They didn't, actually. I just shook my head and continued on with the conversation as though he didn't say something so incongruous. I recognized them for what they were.
Although there is a teeny part of me that wouldn't mind randomly asking some day if size counts where adult toys are concerned. I would so love to see his reaction to that! ;)
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Wow! Well done for carrying on the conversation. I wish I'd read how to not defend/reason/react six months ago. I've not seen any monstering since using the techniques learnt here etc. The worst I get is 'it's private' if I get too close to the truth (about has he seen a counsellor/when will he admit to OW). I've even learnt to leave that alone recently.
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I think you should sleep with other people, but they can't have a Pen!$ bigger than mine.
Oh my goodness, this is hilarious. I can't stop laughing.
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I think you should sleep with other people, but they can't have a Pen!$ bigger than mine.
Oh my goodness, this is hilarious. I can't stop laughing.
I'm telling you, if anybody's husband says something like this just ask him, "Well who on earth would I find, then? ;D ;D ;D
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I think you should sleep with other people, but they can't have a Pen!$ bigger than mine.
Oh my goodness, this is hilarious. I can't stop laughing.
I'm telling you, if anybody's husband says something like this just ask him, "Well who on earth would I find, then? ;D ;D ;D
Did I win the prize for the most ridiculous MLC statement ever made? 8) I am so glad others find the hilarity in the comment. How I kept from laughing at him is beyond me except the entire conversation was completely bizarre.
I love your suggestion, BP! Truly wish I had thought of it at the time. Its so unfortunate that when we are in the thick of these things, we don't think of these fantastic responses! At least, I don't!
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I think you should sleep with other people, but they can't have a Pen!$ bigger than mine.
I'm telling you, if anybody's husband says something like this just ask him, "Well who on earth would I find, then? ;D ;D ;D
...Oh!! This is just classic! Thank goodness we can all still laugh ;D ;D ;D! I don't think it would be possible to find a bigger d!ck than our current Hs and the way they are behaving!
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I can't top the BD drivel ...mine were quite boring really... the usual "we've grown apart", "you deserve better than me, I create sh## everywhere I go" etc.
But his excuse for not coming home all night the first time (when obviously with OW) is a classic. "I ate some bad pizza, got really sick at work, everyone else had left for the night and then while being sick I dropped my cellphone down the toilet and it wouldn't work. I had to sleep there." :-\ What there were no other phones to use!!? :o
Then later, "I dried the phone out very slowly in the oven, it's working again now". ::) ;D.
Do you think I was suspicious after this? You bet ya!! ;) :D
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My H had 1 really good one that sticks out..he came home from work smelling of booze. I told H you smell like beer he said I've been at work all night I don't know what it could be. H actually gave me a kiss "thinking" I wouldn't smell it as he put it after I text one of his coworkers n she happen to ask 1st thing if H was sick cause he wasn't at work. H finally said he was at the river all night drinking alone n got to drunk to drive home yet made it home 10 min earlier than his normal time :o :o. Yea..that's when I knew there was someone else plus he
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Lately i got
We ve been trying for 10 yrs
Our r did not work out
You should let go of the anger
Don t be bitter
You learn from the past ( to which i replied so i was your guinea pig)
Are these familiar to any of you? He looked as if he was coming back and all of a sudden everything s changed? After all these words he came to see the kids and tried small talk I did not respond.
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Yes it does because yesterday I heard:
"it simply did not work out between the 2 of us"
"we looked like a good family from the outside only"
"maybe, maybe not" in response to me saying in times of difficulties, you turn to your spouse. Obviously, the "not" means that OW is a better option
"we may simply end up being just friends"
"yeah, sure I miss the kids, but not you"
"our communication was bad from the start" (initially, it was just recently)
and I could add a whole lot more.
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If MLC is real, my H could be the president of the club.
Everything he does is so classic. He already traveled for work so when he didn't come home, i didn't raise an eyebrow. We were happily married for almost 28 years and i trusted him completely. Funny thing is i hear the girl won't let him out of her sight.
Classic bomb drop-
I pulled in the driveway after doing errands and he ran out of the house and got into the passenger seat. He gave me a 2 minute conversation and left. He told me there was someone else, he had sex with her and he wanted a divorce. I just sat with my mouth gaped open--- "bomb drop" is a perfect term b/c that's what it felt like.
The "ilybnilwy" speech came the next day. I looked him straight in the eyes and said' "no don't give me this kitty sh!t, tell me how you feel" He looked right at me and said, "I don't love you". Wow, it still hurts thinking those words came out of his mouth. He was so stiff, he looked like a robot.
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Mine said: "I'm sorry but i just don't love you anymore. People change their minds and simply fall out of love. I feel nothing for you"
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wow...that is very telling. He sounds very empty inside if he doesn't feel anything.
Very sad.
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Empty on the inside is spot on. A couple of months before BD, my Xbf's younger sister had her first baby, a lovely little girl. Let's just say he was less than thrilled at the idea, and at the hospital he was barely interested in looking at her.
I remember so clearly when we walked out and I asked him: "So, now that she's here, how do you feel? Are you happy?"
And he just kind of pulled a face and said "I guess I haven't realized it yet."
....NOT NORMAL.
Also on the phone, when he called me to announce it was over, I was being friendly, asked him about the new apartment he furnished, he gave me lots of details and then I said, very breezy: "That's good, I'm glad. You must be happy, right?"
And he was just kind of silent and mumbling. Didn't sound like it.
I don't remember much from my depression 6 years ago, but really, the way it seemed impossible to ever feel happy again... man. That was horrible. It all seemed so hopeless.
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Holy cow, nah
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Yes it does because yesterday I heard:
"it simply did not work out between the 2 of us"
"we looked like a good family from the outside only"
"maybe, maybe not" in response to me saying in times of difficulties, you turn to your spouse. Obviously, the "not" means that OW is a better option
"we may simply end up being just friends"
"yeah, sure I miss the kids, but not you"
"our communication was bad from the start" (initially, it was just recently)
and I could add a whole lot more.
Thanks for your reply it made me feel alot better. Today it s father s day here in Malta we sent exh a card but has not acknowleged it yet. Sil thinks ow threw it away. I think he either did not care or made a show of not caring for ow s sake or he s running away from his feelings. I really believe that exh feels so guilty for what he s done that he cannot face us. After he says these words the next time we see him he acts as if nothing happened and tries to small talk. He stresses out how much he loves the kids and not me . The more they stress the more it s not real.
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My H tries to justify, he makes statements that include me.
We are bad for each other.
You deserve a man who will love you. ( followed by, I can't believe I just said that)
Why don't you start dating.
You never loved me enough. ( now denies ever saying that)
When I'm with OW I don't look at other women ( followed by she shouldn't trust me, I'm here with you right now.
So hurtful if I believed him.
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My h said these things in front of our d15 the day he left:
I want a divorce
I'm done
ILYBNILWY
You are only the mother of my children
I feel cold inside
It's my parents fault
It's all my fault
There is no spark
I don't find you attractive
Last week he was again saying it's him, it's his fault.
This week we are back to it's all my fault. LOL He actually said he was perfect. LOL
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I'm done
ILYBNILWY
I feel cold inside
It's all my fault
There is no spark
I don't find you attractive
Last week he was again saying it's him, it's his fault.
This week we are back to it's all my fault. LOL He actually said he was perfect. LOL
Ding ding ding! Mine said the same things. I was stunned - I don't mean to brag but I know I'm damn hot. My male acquaintances when they hear about the not attractive comment wonder if he hit his head and went crazy... that's why my mind keeps fabricating these bombshell OWs to annihilate what's left of my self esteem, lol.
We only spoke 3 times since bomb drop (cowardly @$$hole that he is) but he already managed to waffle between it's all my fault and it's all your fault because
- the novelty wore off
- we have too much in common, it's like talking to a mirror
- we have nothing in common, we're incompatible
- we never argue
- we argue about dinner (he wants to eat at 11pm and I get hungry at a normal hour)
- you didn't have dinner ready when I got out of the shower
- three years ago you told me you don't like going out drinking
I don't know if these qualify as script. ..
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Definitely script, Dagolark. I had to laugh b/c i got the one about going out drinking too. Well actually, I got most of the others too but that one was really irritating. I sat at home all the time not b/c I wanted to but b/c "we couldn't afford it" and he didn't want me to leave the girls at home alone late at night. But then he left b/c I am such a homebody.
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I also got
Yes for a time i felt something for you but you killed it.
If i m denied the kids i ll make another family.
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But then he left b/c I am such a homebody.
Mine too. Funny thing is that until I got back to Italy, he was THE homebody par excellence... spent his time at home watching tv or sleeping and went out on saturday with his friends. HIs life didn't change at all when I got back. And yet somehow he blames me for it and thinks this new girl will turn things around... well it's not like he ever asked me to go places!
On the contrary I was always travelling... London, Japan, Spain. He was the one who never wanted to come with me anywhere and then complained for never going anywhere! I'm so resentful that he's trying to peg me as the boring one. Excuse me if spending a saturday night out drinking is not the highlight of my life.
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same sh$t, different day from all of them! My H, now xH, left 4 years ago for his high school GF from 33 years ago at that time...she dumped him after HS when he went into the army and broke his heart. Two years ago he told me that I was his mid-life crisis girlfriend! Denial works wonders doesn't it? He was 33 yo when we met and I was 35 years old. OK ex, I'm sorry you feel that way! ::)
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"I wish you would start dating too, that way I wouldn't feel so guilty."
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I got "you're' a very attractive woman but I don't find you attractive anymore...... I'm so sorry I can't believe I said that"
Then we both cried. That was 3 months post BD and one month before he moved out.
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I had a recent argument with xW, when she said that I smelt and when she first met me I had very bad BO and I was in the gutter. If you contrast that to an argument 12 months ago when she said when I first met you, you took very good care of yourself, smelt nice and always wore smart clothes that was part of the attraction.
If I add to that she looked at me and called me a fat b’stard this is after me doing 2 years non stop gym I’ve lost pounds and everyone tells me I’m in great shape.
To be honest they just open their mouths and cr*p comes out.
Lanzo
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While I agree they strongly tend to lie, at times there are gems of truth and useful information in the midst of what they say. For example:
Genius-Just answer one thing before you call the cops!! Did X take you to the hospital?
Me: I'm dialing now.
Genius-AT LEAST HE CAN F*CK!!! (Yelled 11 times into the phone before I hung up.)
Apparently it was not only me that he was impotent with??
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As an aside, Genius also went through a period when he was so out of control angry that he would punch himself in the face. The punches were hard enough to leave bruises and black eyes.
He stopped that when I suggested that perhaps he should hit himself harder as I was becoming bored with the temper tantrums and theatre.
When he did that in front of his mother, she cried and begged him to stop. When his sister saw it, she was shocked.
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I wish mine would punch himself in the face. If he needs help with that I'd be more than happy to oblige.
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Lol, TmT! After today, you are first and last in the line up. :)
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Law Professor & TMT you made me laugh for the first time today…thank you….I really want to punch my H, he won't need to do it himself. ;)
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I was told yesterday:
"I have no plans to remarry, if you want to divorce me, go ahead!"
"What you do with your life is none of my concern, you do what ever you want"
I lurve my H!......NOT!
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Old thread so sorry for the resurrection, but thought this was interesting.....
Was talking to a former LBS who is no longer standing and no longer posting to the forums. Both of us have moved on and are exploring new relationships; both of our X's, who did not want us and never faltered on wanting a divorce have both recently scripted pretty much the exact same line:
"I can't believe you have already replaced me!"
Both of these women professed previously (mine many times) that they wished / wanted us to find someone else to be happy with! Well, they are getting their wish and now they don't seem to like it!
Morons!
DO
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Lol! My H has told me to 'move on'. I am still standing, so I am not dating at all, but today someone showed an interest in me, and I was wondering what H woud actually think/feel. I'll just have to assume he'd react like that. :) Hugs, Gx
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Got these just yesterday:
1. We r damaged goods (referring to her and I)
2. Stop making me out to be a bad mom (I offered to watch the kids Saturday night, made no mention of her. She mentioned she was gonna get a sitter. Hasn't had them on a weekend in a month)
3. I'm damaged goods, even worse than when I left my terrible f'ing parents!
4. I can't connect with people in a normal way.
- I think this is in reference to not being able to meet a guy she's into after her ea dropped her!
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Dji76,
It appears to be something that a person would hear from a 14yr old.
Drama?
It is the same kind of thing that I have heard from my XW. She is the victim. The whole world is out to get her.
I am the ruler of the whole world.
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I was infamously encouraged to sleep with other men (if their Pen!$ was smaller than his) and then told it "would be nice" if I waited for him to get through his crap.
Too bad the waiting part didn't happen.
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Got these just yesterday:
2. Stop making me out to be a bad mom (I offered to watch the kids Saturday night, made no mention of her. She mentioned she was gonna get a sitter. Hasn't had them on a weekend in a month)
4. I can't connect with people in a normal way.
- I think this is in reference to not being able to meet a guy she's into after her ea dropped her!
I haven't got #2 yet, but I get the impression she doesn't like it that D11 prefers me and has a better time & is happier when she is with me. I caught her trying to get a sitter without first offering me the options which is part of our decree. Called her out on it immediately and told her never to go against the decree again or I would have her in court to enforce it!
She told her friends that I am in a stable relationship but she can't even get a date (jealousy?). Both her EA's dumped her, the first BF she had after we split dumped her already, she went on about 15-20 Tinder dates and the only ones that called back was a guy near his 60's and a loser she had to threaten a restraining order with (high quality there). She's got a new one that has his own serious issues!
They all hit this wall eventually. They are broken, zero relationship skills, looks are fading, they look like crap from the physical effects of the MLC/Depression, and the grass isn't greener! Such a shame!
DO
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Yes, it is a shame and somewhere, these lost souls need compassion, because they clearly are altered beings, they are sad, lonely and broken. They make a mess of everything, driven purely by their emotions, they have MAJOR FOO issues that they have never dealt with, they carry family learned behaviours, some quite destructive and they walk away from the one person they should be with, and take all of that in a suitcase when they leave and the OW/OM get to unpack with them. No wonder the new relationships don't work. OW/OM don't need extra laundry to wash clean.I know we could all hate them for what they have done, but as the years go past with my own H, I feel more and more sorry that he is in this state and affairing down BIG TIME. I believe OW's own issues are massive and are probably going to surface soon enough. Then H will wonder what he walked out from.
I have no anger towards him, I can't, he is clearly out of him mind, so how can I be angry at someone whose mental faculties are no longer the ones he once possessed?
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Agree they are lost souls and they compound their issues by walking away from their wives and families who loved them wholeheartedly for who they were and who would give them the compassion they so deeply crave. But, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
I am not alone in thinking my H is completely off his rocker but he doesn't see things that way and until he acknowledges he has issues there isn't very much anyone can do to help him regain some sort of equilibrium.
For what it's worth, I also heard a lot of very bizarre reasons why our marriage was over including that he always took the trash out and sometimes I made MIL feel unwelcome. Presumably, this is why "I love you dearly but I love you like a sister"?
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Rosebud, I also heard the "I love you, but like family" only 6 wks after asking me to start making wedding plans. :o
Really sad the position they put themselves into and can not see what they are truly doing.
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Hmmm, for some reason I was thinking I never heard anything out of the ordinary, but my memory isn't what it used to be. Then I remembered a few. How about some of these gems:
After BD, but before separation: "if one day we are both remarried, we should have an affair with each other."
Again, after BD, before sep: "If we divorce, we should remarry someday for a 'fresh start'."
Told to D15 the night before w left: "I don't see myself marrying this guy [OM]. I just want to go have my fun."
oh yeah, after separation: "I don't care if I end up poor and alone, at least I will be happy!"
-Terrified
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How about this one. On one of the times my h wanted to come home but then changed his mind again he said the only way we could be together is if we'd never been together. :o
Still not sure what that means.
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I used to keep a list of the off-the-wall batsh$t crazy stuff H said. I stopped doing it about 7-8 months ago. I think I got bored ::)
This was one of my favorites:
When talking about needing to do this (MLC I guess) he told me "Even if I have to quit my job, pack all of my stuff in my backpack and hitch hike from job to job that is what I will do". I just stared at him :o
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Instead of ILYBNILWY, I got "WE love each other but WE aren't in love." It was like he was someone else giving us advice. Then the rant came ; I want to be FREE, I want to find HAPPINESS, I want to LIVE!!!!! Yes, he left in search of all of these things. Now 6 months later he is depressed, isolated, drinks and smokes pot everyday. Woo HOO H, you are FREE, HAPPY, and LIVING!!!!!
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Yep that sure is living. Mines smoking dope and drinking too. He was so upset that amendment 2 didn't pass here. What a nut case.
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TMT,
And the rebellious teenager has to learn on his own. ;D
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Does anyone else have a MLCer who is obsessive with food?
My H has been on this 'health' food kick - I guess it goes along with the exercising. I agree that eating healthy is a good thing but my H is so out of balance with it. He won't eat anything that he deems as junk. He only wants things that are organic, he eats mostly vegetables now, he stays away from carbohydrates. I had some eggnog last night and H says I sure do miss that - he has no concept of moderation. He can't have a small bite of something so he bans the food altogether. Is this just an issue of control? He says that he is disciplined but if that were the case wouldn't he be able to have a small amount instead of banning the food from his diet.
The thing about this is that he is always at one extreme or the other. He has no middle ground. When H was a teenager/young adult he would keep food (tacos, burritos, burgers) under the seat of his car for days and still eat them! I don't think that he ever got sick because he drank some much that the alcohol killed the bacteria. Then he went on to not eating red meat or pork - he only eats chicken, turkey, fish. His family would cook an additional items so that he would have something to eat - I did this sometimes too if I really wanted beef I would just throw some chicken on the grill too. Now he has narrowed down his food selections to hardly anything. He works out all of the time (he is back to his teenage weight :o ). It just isn't healthy.
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I got I'm miserable here, I hate it here, my hearts in one place and my head is in another. I need to figure myself out, I still love you but I need to get myself right. 3 weeks later he swears he never said any of those things, and just wants a D. Apparently I imagined all that.
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Mine isn't obsessive about food, but he thinks a testosterone pill would help his metabolism & make him get back some muscle and lose weight/fat. Ummm....perhaps get off the couch and DO something, as well as don't scoff at my healthy foods like plain fruit or veggies! Cut out the Mt Dew, Monster, and Angry Orchard as well. It's amazing what they think up!
He did eat lots of celery for a while...because it was supposed to help sex drive. ::) I always giggled at that one because he never needed celery when he was here... ;D
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S4A,
Yes H has done this a couple of times. Currently he has stopped the exercise because the weed and alcohol took over. But he said he wanted to be skinny like he was when he lived with his grandma(early 20's) all he ate was white rice with milk and butter and shredded wheat. S told me he is doing that now. Minus the exercise.
Certainly a sign of trying to bring back youth.
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Don't know of mine has gone goofy with food or not, but he started weight lifting, running (again) and consuming protein shakes.
Not that its doing a bit of good. He's still fat...probably all that beer and rum he drinks.
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Mine lived on cornflakes for about 3 weeks after BD, breakfast, lunch and tea. But he ate loads of them, not normal portions.
Now as far as I am aware he just loves chocolate and biscuits (he always did but now no conscience telling him its not healthy) fat girl OW just joins him!
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My MLC friend got an eating disorder just before his affair. He says his wife was unsympathetic about it.
My H lost loads of weight early in this and looked very attractive to me. It was a combination of giving up beer, running and having constant stomach pain.
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All these posts made me think about the cycling of H over the years. As I can see it he has been in and out of replay a lot. Constantly searching for something to make him happy.
Weight lifting, protein shakes, steroids. He wanted to get big. Then it was obsession with food gaining a ton of weight. Then it was he wanted to be skinny and lean so it was working out, running and living on protein shakes.
Now he eats rice, shredded wheat and drinks and smokes pot. Look where his search for happiness lead him.
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My h is obviously obsessed with food. He's really fat these days. But his buddies are his biggest obsession. Even more than ow was or is or whatever is going on there. Who knows.
I swear, and please don't take this wrong, but I sometimes wonder if h is struggling with his sexuality. I could be wrong, but that has been nagging at me since right after this happened.
H's taste in clothes has changed, but to things I would normally buy for him that he would take back because he didn't like them. ??? Says he's broke and has nothing and can't afford support but he has Levi's on his butt. The last time I bought him jeans I got him Levi's and he had a freaking fit.
They are just nuts.
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The new clothes obsession is something else. My H had very specific things that he would - if wasn't the right thing forget about it and he wouldn't even look at something different. Now he is buying all kinds of different clothes. Things he would never even look at before.
I swear, and please don't take this wrong, but I sometimes wonder if h is struggling with his sexuality. I could be wrong, but that has been nagging at me since right after this happened.
Why do you wonder this? I could see where it would fit in with everything else MLC.
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I swear, and please don't take this wrong, but I sometimes wonder if h is struggling with his sexuality. I could be wrong, but that has been nagging at me since right after this happened.
I would agree that that all struggle with their sexual identity. This is something teenagers do. And since they are struggling with identity to begin with, I would say yes. My H has verbally said things to me 2012 that made me wonder.
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Because for a couple of years before bomb drop he became very close with his bff who at the time was just 19. They are still bff's (very strange) they can't do anything without each other, h is very depressed when bff goes anywhere with his family, call and text constantly, like girls. And h talks about him constantly. It's also one of the things h said he left me over. That I didn't like his bff. I never said I didn't like him or his gf and their wild child. I just don't have much in common with them.
When we were dating some of his friends (so called) told me he was gay. I didn't believe them, thought they were being spiteful. His bf didn't tell me that, but he did take me to lunch and told me to not marry h. He said run, the family is awful and you aren't getting what you think. About 10 years ago his bff then was a gay man that used to send me jewelry all the time.
As I said, it's just a thought that has gone through my mind and a few other mens minds that I know that know about the situation.
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I've wondered the same thing..at first i thought he might be gay....actually I think he might be asexual.
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My MLCer used to help me pick out colors of wall paint and his ideas were really good. He'd always tell me not to think he was gay because he liked that kind of thing. I know now that he is very creative...if only I could've convinced him to do more with it...
As for my exH, I wondered right away when he left if he was gay. He took two showers a day...and worked an office job in a collection call center so not like he got dirty...and not like he was in the public eye. He spent more time moussing his hair than I do...always needed it cut just right. His socks always needed to match his shirt. It all seemed kinda girly to me. Sorry guys.
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As I said, it's just a thought that has gone through my mind and a few other mens minds that I know that know about the situation.
He is probably bi...the gay clubs are usually about 50% married men.
As for the clothes though, that is MLC.
When husband was just going into the tunnel we were vacationing in Miami and went into a designer shop. I tried on a dress that was shorter and tighter than I would normally wear. There was a (male) customer that saw me looking in the 3-way and said, "wow, girl, you just have to buy that dress. You look smoking hot". Husband walked up (in the past he would have been jealous) but this time he said, "maybe 20 years ago, where the hell are you going to wear that?"
I left empty handed and he bought $400 bedazzled designer jeans b/c the gay salesman said his butt looked good in them. Looking back, it was one of the first signs. :-\
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My 2nd husband was gay unbeknownet to me..hair was a huge priority. Wore velvet pants (this was after we were married) and sex became non existant.
Marriage only lasted 9 months.
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I had a friend that stuck it out for years. They only had sex once, the night they were married. I feel bad for the men who feel like they have to hide like that.
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I swear, and please don't take this wrong, but I sometimes wonder if h is struggling with his sexuality. I could be wrong, but that has been nagging at me since right after this happened.
Same, TMT. I have thought for at least half of my marriage that mine was molested as a kid, and occasionally be would exhibit bisexual tendencies.
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I was told the other day that it "always" took him 20 minutes to get me to the point where we could even have sex. :o ::) :-[ Now, I always enjoyed what he did in those 20 minutes, and well who the heck is going to give up a little foreplay to jump his bones and have it over right away? Sure as heck, not me! ;) He told me it's good to just do it and get it over fast sometimes...I'd sure hate to be the OW if that's his current lovemaking scheme. She can have him, if that's the case. ;D
I told him I had always enjoyed what we did, but if he did not, then ok. He quickly replied "I enjoyed all of it." So if he enjoyed all of it, why the heck is he with speedy and not home with me? A 20 min warmup is a pretty lame complaint, if you ask me.
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I'm very curious how sex plays in all this.
Through most of our marriage from when I was in my late 20's until about a year or two before he left, I was the chaser. Quickie, marathon, I didn't care. In my mid-forties I started getting fibroids so sometimes it was painful. I was still in but it did slow down. When I say slow down I mean 1-2x a week instead of almost everyday. He told a friend that we didn't have sex for a year. Big lie. In a letter he said, "I was afraid of us becoming roommates so I couldn't hang out with you anymore. That's what I miss the most". Huh?? He never said anything until after he left. The last time we had sex he couldn't "make it happen". That NEVER happened before, I backed off, I didn't want to embarrass him. We never talked about it. BD was a few weeks later. BD was a very short conversation but he started with, "you know this has not been a good year"...I said, "I thought we were having medical problems, you know about my fibriods" He looked surprised, like he never heard the word before.
When I packed his things a few days after BD I found a huge bag of Viagra in his nightstand. I'm talking hundreds of packs of them, how many did he need? So I get a new person is exciting. Why did he need Viagra? I know it gives him a headache so he can't take it all the time.
I think were I'm going is, so this girl was new and so he got his "mojo" back. How long can that last? I slowed down but lets face it, 1-2xs a week is still more than average. I really think this girl is after his money so how long until she just falls into a routine of not pursuing? That is what he is use to with me. Just more questions that I will never get the answer.
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In time nah, in time.
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Nah, mine has to take some kind of pill he buys at the sex toy store. He makes it sound like now he can go twice in one night, but in reality, he needs it to go even once. He never needed anything with me. His stuff quit working almost immediately after BD. I think it's got to be an attraction/connection thing. His OW is not at all the type he would've looked at twice before...definite affair down there...she is much bigger, not really cute, dresses in hoodies & jeans & baseball caps...overall just looks like a guy with long hair. He and I had such a good connection, as we went for long walks and talked a lot. I kinda get the impression that he really doesn't have that with her. He tells me he falls asleep on the couch a lot while watching tv...mostly it seems they are drinking/smoking buddies who live in the same house...and apparently have quickies.
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Can't top the 'have sex with someone, as long as his Pen!$ isn't bigger than mine' comment--funniest of all time, but here's what I got on/shortly after bomb drop:
"When we decided not to have kids, I thought we would be this dynamic couple that traveled the world." I guess our trips to New Zealand, Africa and Europe don't qualify.
"We are like 70 year olds shuffling through Costco." We've never been to Costco together.
"You like to eat dinner way too early. Pretty soon you'll want to go to the early bird special at 4:30 and be in bed by 7."
And here's a classic from one of his emails:
"I am taking time to reflect and feel all of this day by day. My future, your future, everything…. I think it is the only way it can be and I honestly believe this process is better felt apart. As I said, I believe what has been and continues to be missing with us is not something you think, deliberate, discuss, and talk thru to resolution. If that were the case, I believe our forthright relationship would have sorted and completed this process a while ago. I believe feelings must be consciously felt and naturally acted upon with some level of heartfelt desire and consistency, a clear choice fueled by an unseen but tangible knowing. We should not have to think/talk our way to such feeling and action as this lacks authenticity and fairness for both of us."
Is that a bunch of BS? some of my favorite parts..."our forthright relationship" and "a clear choice fueled by an unseen but tangible knowing". I assume what he's talking about is that he doesn't want to have sex with me but boy-oh-boy is he having fun in the sack with OW. No deep conversation required. GEEZ!
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ShadesOfGrey...that's quite an email. Mine would never have thought all that up at all, much less typed it out and emailed it to me.
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I'm very curious how sex plays in all this.
Sex is a big part of this at least in my situation. I think that my H was starting to 'slow' down sexually and he went looking for something to 'ramp' it up. He found OW that will do anything that he wants and this is how fixed this problem. It will stay fixed for so long then what?!
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I'm very curious how sex plays in all this.
Sex is a big part of this at least in my situation. I think that my H was starting to 'slow' down sexually and he went looking for something to 'ramp' it up. He found OW that will do anything that he wants and this is how fixed this problem. It will stay fixed for so long then what?!
I always had the impression that the OW was like the porn star he always wanted...at least judging by the requests he had for me back when he was cake eating every other weekend. That and I got the impression OW was all about her pleasure and not necessarily his. I would bet money that the thrill has worn off quite a bit since he now thinks it should be over so fast.
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I always had the impression that the OW was like the porn star he always wanted
Lol...............my H has called OW a 'human sex toy' :o :o
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I always had the impression that the OW was like the porn star he always wanted
Lol...............my H has called OW a 'human sex toy' :o :o
My husband would never even mention her name to me. We don't discuss her. Just guessing, but I think your husbands are just trying to seem "macho"
The "girl" is very plain, not sexy. Again, I think she was just something different not necessarily better.
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mine said ow was just like a living blow up doll. no personality and just a breathing sex toy. he said he missed having it with me cause i do things she won't.
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My H said early on that he looked like Richie but wanted to be Fonzie, so I am assuming he would like to do a certain amount of womanizing before he dies or something. But then he "falls in love" with these OWs and spends a lot of time with them although he is still fishing around. I've never gotten the whole "the more people I sleep with, the more badass I am" thing; I can see us doing it a bit to boost our self-esteem or stave off loneliness and hey, I like sex ALOT- but just randomly to validate yourself?
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mine said ow was just like a living blow up doll. no personality and just a breathing sex toy. he said he missed having it with me cause i do things she won't.
I've also heard that I do things that she won't or that I do certain things so much better. I actually believe him too, just from the other requests he made. I think OW is all about toys and making sure she gets what she wants. Not that that is bad, but I enjoyed making it good for him too.
I always had the impression that the OW was like the porn star he always wanted
Lol...............my H has called OW a 'human sex toy' :o :o
My husband would never even mention her name to me. We don't discuss her. Just guessing, but I think your husbands are just trying to seem "macho"
The "girl" is very plain, not sexy. Again, I think she was just something different not necessarily better.
Mine knows enough not to discuss her. You can get a lot of info from cake eating when there are all of a sudden new ideas of things to try. I will even go so far as to say that he used to text me about what he would like to do with me so I would naughty text back and get him in the mood. Let's just say, I cut that off at the pass now when he tries it. One of the times he asked I said it really was pointless to talk naughty with him if I wasn't going to be the one getting anything out of it. He still tries it every 4-5 weeks though. ::)
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I've also heard that I do things that she won't or that I do certain things so much better. I actually believe him too, just from the other requests he made. I think OW is all about toys and making sure she gets what she wants. Not that that is bad, but I enjoyed making it good for him too.
I also heard that I do things much better than her, and I I got the distance impression she will let him do whatever he wants as he fulfills his sexual fantasies. He forgot who he was with, once. Yeah...that was a fantastic experience.
Sexually, mine became just as selfish as he is in all other ways. Its all about him and his flaccid little Pen!$.
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Sexually, mine became just as selfish as he is in all other ways. Its all about him and his flaccid little Pen!$.
Now there's an image. Lol I wouldn't say mine is all about him, although essentially that's exactly what it is in disguise. Last time he was here, he wanted us to go in the bedroom and he'd "take care of me" and he didn't need anything. I declined the offer, figuring if he didn't need anything, he was just getting his jollies off me & would go back to OW. Sorry...go watch a porno if you need help getting it going! And he accused ME of taking 20 min! At least I don't need to watch someone else to get excited enough to make the plumbing work with the current person. ::)
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Sexually, mine became just as selfish as he is in all other ways. Its all about him and his flaccid little Pen!$.
HAHAHAHA....This is the first thing I read this morning. Better than a cup of coffee. ;D ;D ;D
We had a great sex life, I was one of those crazy housewives that couldn't wait until he came home so I could jump him. The last 5-6 years he started to be unable to "finish". I don't mean me (b/c I can 'finish' while driving to the grocery store...lol) I mean him. It got to the point where he only "finish" maybe 1 out of 10 times. Did anyone else have this experience? I thought it was just a normal reaction to loss of testosterone over the years. He didn't have a flaccid problem until the very end, and I think that was probably just guilt.
I'm thinking he must be having the same problem again by now. I doubt she is as eager as I was, maybe that's why I don't focus too much on her. Why why why is he still with her though? Hasn't even looked back like so many on here do.
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Patience, my has some sexual issues to work out. I have suspected for all apt as many years as we've been married that he may have been molested. If not that, he does have some bisexual tendencies, and those do mess him up. He mentioned once to me about experimentation when he was young. Anyway, that's why he is as selfish sexually as he is. I realized a long time ago that he had certain preferences for positions that are a display of power, not equality and love. Remember, too, I'm the lucky girl who has his permission to sleep with other men as long as the Pen!$ is smaller than his. :o. Yeah, this man has some serious issues.
Sexually, mine became just as selfish as he is in all other ways. Its all about him and his flaccid little Pen!$.
HAHAHAHA....This is the first thing I read this morning. Better than a cup of coffee. ;D ;D ;D
We had a great sex life, I was one of those crazy housewives that couldn't wait until he came home so I could jump him. The last 5-6 years he started to be unable to "finish". I don't mean me (b/c I can 'finish' while driving to the grocery store...lol) I mean him. It got to the point where he only "finish" maybe 1 out of 10 times. Did anyone else have this experience? I thought it was just a normal reaction to loss of testosterone over the years. He didn't have a flaccid problem until the very end, and I think that was probably just guilt.
I'm thinking he must be having the same problem again by now. I doubt she is as eager as I was, maybe that's why I don't focus too much on her. Why why why is he still with her though? Hasn't even looked back like so many on here do.
Nah, mine was the same. It would just wither and die, and that was before OW. When we were in Jamaica celebrating our 25th, he got really drunk one might and was crying about his "broken Pen!$". He wouldn't go to the doctor even though I begged him (he did that for OW). He wouldn't listen when I patiently and gently told him that often ED is the result of emotional issues. Whatever it is that's causing his flaccidity is in his head and, thank God, no longer my problem, because while I can understand that sort of thing may happen on occasion, when it becomes a regular event, you start to take is personally. The knowledge that he needs the little pills for OW gives me great satisfaction. He used one for me, at my request, during the cake eating period. The rest of the times, that man could have cut diamonds.
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D You two are so funny!
The ex had diabetes on top of all the other issues and due to readjusting my sex drive I was willing to go without it as I felt 32 years was worth the "more mature love" aspect..didn't realize he had no respect for me.
Wrong.... .....
It would be great to have a man that could cut diamonds again!
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Nah, mine was the same. It would just wither and die, and that was before OW. When we were in Jamaica celebrating our 25th, he got really drunk one might and was crying about his "broken Pen!$". He wouldn't go to the doctor even though I begged him (he did that for OW). He wouldn't listen when I patiently and gently told him that often ED is the result of emotional issues. Whatever it is that's causing his flaccidity is in his head and, thank God, no longer my problem, because while I can understand that sort of thing may happen on occasion, when it becomes a regular event, you start to take is personally. The knowledge that he needs the little pills for OW gives me great satisfaction. He used one for me, at my request, during the cake eating period. The rest of the times, that man could have cut diamonds.
Do you think that he didn't want you to see and know that "weakness" in him but it is ok with OW b/c it plays into the whole "you poor baby" thing they have going on? And another reason he can resent you for being such a strong person.
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Nah, mine was the same. It would just wither and die, and that was before OW. When we were in Jamaica celebrating our 25th, he got really drunk one might and was crying about his "broken Pen!$". He wouldn't go to the doctor even though I begged him (he did that for OW). He wouldn't listen when I patiently and gently told him that often ED is the result of emotional issues. Whatever it is that's causing his flaccidity is in his head and, thank God, no longer my problem, because while I can understand that sort of thing may happen on occasion, when it becomes a regular event, you start to take is personally. The knowledge that he needs the little pills for OW gives me great satisfaction. He used one for me, at my request, during the cake eating period. The rest of the times, that man could have cut diamonds.
Do you think that he didn't want you to see and know that "weakness" in him but it is ok with OW b/c it plays into the whole "you poor baby" thing they have going on? And another reason he can resent you for being such a strong person.
Maybe. He was tentatively starting to go in some unusual places as far as his wants, and to be honest, they freaked me out. They just weren't the guy I loved, and I know I reacted badly. Nothing I can do about that now although I do wish I could have opened the conversation about it. I was just very freaked out.
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Same here, Medusa. Probably a combination of their sexual bucket list and the hormone surge. And the possibility of childhood sexual issues. This discussion is interesting, I have also suspected something of that and then the other day he did this past life meditation that yielded interesting results.
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Working that dark side out and we really ought to be happy they view us as someone they wouldn't want to do that with.
he told me she was into some pretty violent $h!te..that wasn't her it was him.
These ow lack for quite a bit...madonna /ow complex I guess.
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:o :o :o :o :o at the direction this thread has taken! You gals are funny.
-T
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Wondered when one of you guys would stop by!
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I've been lurking, but pretty speechless. Seems to me most of you gals are as much closet freaks as us guys LOL. j/k
While attempting to get back on subject, although my w isn't sexually experienced (neither am I-we could count the number of partners on one hand for our entire lives), one thing that I do know from a woman MLCer perspective-although I am sure the sex is exciting, what she enjoys the most is the emotional fulfilment that OM is providing. SS25 had told me that is why w was so infatuated with him. The small things-hugging, kissing, etc...The physical closeness without being sexual. The problem is, once those hormones start flowing from the excitement of it, then all attempts at providing those things that have been missing by me don't work. Its now all about how she *feels* with OM.
-T
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Exactly and that's all it is..it's how he makes her feel about herself..that's not love. It infatuation or obsession.
Everyone what's to feel desired...but IMHO that's something they have the confidence to feel within them selves to know they are and may meet someone who has the same confidence level.
Everyone has certain ways..signals they may send out that expresses that kind of interest.Some may come right flat out and say something.
Everyone has people who they enjoy the company of. They enjoy having around them. No one wants to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves.
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Yep, it's all about the infatuation. They fixate on the feelings. But infatuation lasts a year or two and them reality sets in. Just wait...one day his farts won't be funny/cute, anymore. All those little things will begin to build up, and she just might reE how good she had it with TN.
No one wants to spend time with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves.
True, except we don't make them feel bad about themselves. They do that all by themselves but prefe to blame us.
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Exactly...Sorry....I didn't mean to make that statment they do blame their unhappiness on everyone else :)
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True, except we don't make them feel bad about themselves. They do that all by themselves but prefe to blame us.
QFT! I agree 100%. Its still hard to accept, but the bottom line is they look to us for their happiness. They need to figure out the ONLY person responsible for their happiness is THEMSELVES.
-T
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Sexually, mine became just as selfish as he is in all other ways. Its all about him and his flaccid little Pen!$.
HAHAHAHA....This is the first thing I read this morning. Better than a cup of coffee. ;D ;D ;D
We had a great sex life, I was one of those crazy housewives that couldn't wait until he came home so I could jump him. The last 5-6 years he started to be unable to "finish". I don't mean me (b/c I can 'finish' while driving to the grocery store...lol) I mean him. It got to the point where he only "finish" maybe 1 out of 10 times. Did anyone else have this experience? I thought it was just a normal reaction to loss of testosterone over the years. He didn't have a flaccid problem until the very end, and I think that was probably just guilt.
I'm thinking he must be having the same problem again by now. I doubt she is as eager as I was, maybe that's why I don't focus too much on her. Why why why is he still with her though? Hasn't even looked back like so many on here do.
Mine could cut diamonds as well...pretty much our entire time together...and for part of the cake eating too. What we had was fantastic...the man set the bar high and we'd always say it was a new top 5 or a new top 3 finish. Lol Then he started on the sex shop pills & it's never been the same. I suspect they are what makes him finish before he wants to as well...the man could go and go before...maybe that's why he just wants quickies now...he can't keep from shootin' like a teen. ;D Wouldn't you think if ya like sex as much as he does that he'd be able to figure out that the plumbing ALWAYS worked before and now with OW that it does not?
I also believe it was our connection that made it so good & if you're not with the right person, it won't be as good either. Only reason I say this is because my exH & I never had a connection like that & I spent 7 years thinking sex was just something you did once in a while because you were married and it's what married people do. That man could NOT cut diamonds...ever. Lol
Sorry guys if the current discussion makes you uncomfortable. We really do mean it when we say size does not matter...it's the brains behind the operation that really counts! ;)
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Ok guy number 2 chipping.
When xW and I got together she seemed pretty timid, inexperienced and shy, she wasn’t into anything other than straight up and down missionary. If I tried to talk about sex she would shut me down immediately. If I mentioned experimenting she would say all of that is disgusting. If she wanted sex, her way of initiating would be to say, “lets go to bed early”, “lets have a quickie” (we never had any marathons) or she would just hitch up nightdress and kick me when we were under the covers.
From what I’ve seen, now that she is in MLC she is into all sorts, where to start. Home movies, yes, she’s filmed several herself times with OM’s, obsession with P*nis (is the plural peenai ?) lots of pictures on her phone, porn lots of downloads on her computer including bondage stuff which she was discussing with the latest OM, possibly making another movie, (she’s only know him a couple of months). Sexting nonstop, discussing different sexual positions, Sex toy, sex food, crotch less underwear it went on and on.
How did I feel, hurt (cut to the core), cheated, bitter angry all of those things, never a hint of those sexual things while we were married. I’m a hot blooded guy, fit and strong and she ditches me to carry on with these bums. I did take it all personally, and yes I can cut diamonds too.
Lanzo
(Where this all comes under MLC script I’m not sure).
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I don't know I just know I'm tired..tired of the whole thing. I had a lot of flings in my twenties only a few really give me any fond memories.
He refered to the exow as pig sex and I still have trouble understanding how you have sex with someone you find repulsive... ::)
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that's what i don't get. h says she grosses him out cause she is hairy and her skin is rough and she has a mustache. see my skin is soft and nice to touch and i don't have the hair issue cause, well natives just aren't hairy.
said he kissed her one time and her facial hair got stuck in his teeth...barf. plus she is the opposite of what he likes physically. he is a butt man and she has a 2x4 wood plank back there and no shape, unless you call an upside down pyramid a shape. she is basically everything physically and personality wise he despises in a person so i know it is supposed to be something he is working through but that still doesn't mean i understand how you can be with someone you normally would never look twice at.
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Lanzo, it's script because they all seem to change somehow, be it ability, attitude, type of person. The script here is sexual changes...maybe the sex needs it's own thread...it is a huge part of a relationship with another person. It has to be a huge factor in what plays out in MlC.
As for the change in your W...I'd just go out on a limb here and say the internet plays a big part in what one tries now versus what one may have tried 15-20 years ago. I had no idea that there was such a vast array of different positions, toys, etc. when I first got married...but then he never suggested anything either. We had like one toy...and thank goodness for that because it was required with him. The internet has opened up a whole new world as far as sex is concerned.
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Blackice, mine is with someone he wouldn't look twice at either. He even took up smoking so he wouldn't have to taste her. He always said kissing someone who smoked was like licking an ashtray. Why the heck would that all of a sudden be attractive?
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he says she reminds him of the girls he would want to date when he was a teenager and she makes him remember that time and it disgusts him. at first it was a good thing and now it makes him sick.
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WoW, I am going to go out a limb here and say that my situation is completely different.
I honestly do think OM is VERY good looking. Way "hotter" than me that is for sure. W even told me at one time when we were slinging mud at each other "he is so much younger than you and f$%^s me really well." He is tall, dark, handsome, young, flat stomach...All those things that most women really want.
HOWEVER, he is also tattooed up (not judging by the way, I have nothing against them personally). But the BIG thing about him is he is the "bad boy", while I am the "nice guy". You could not get any more opposite than us two. I have actually PMed pics to a few LBSes and they are quite shocked at the difference between us. Night and day. He is an ex gang member, and likes to deal in the nose candy.
-T
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WoW, I am going to go out a limb here and say that my situation is completely different.
I honestly do think OM is VERY good looking. Way "hotter" than me that is for sure. W even told me at one time when we were slinging mud at each other "he is so much younger than you and f$%^s me really well." He is tall, dark, handsome, young, flat stomach...All those things that most women really want.
HOWEVER, he is also tattooed up (not judging by the way, I have nothing against them personally). But the BIG thing about him is he is the "bad boy", while I am the "nice guy". You could not get any more opposite than us two. I have actually PMed pics to a few LBSes and they are quite shocked at the difference between us. Night and day. He is an ex gang member, and likes to deal in the nose candy.
-T
For what its worth, TN, I will take a nice guy over a bad boy any day. I'm way too smart to want to deal with someone who deals nose candy.
BTW, you know a lot of the MLCerrs get involved with drugs, right?
Mine never said a lot about OW other than to tell me that he had concluded physical beauty (me) wasn't important anymore. I do have one picture of them together, and she appeared hefty, and she is very plain. Meanwhile, I'm a calendar model at the ripe old age of 49. That's something he can ruminate on!
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oh don't get me wrong, ow is pretty, especially when she put her 10 pounds of make up on, however she thinks she is the most beautiful person on the planet when she isn't, i am actually prettier than her, h has even said it. the only thing is she is slimmer than me but she isn't thin herself and like i said she has a weird pyramid body. my d17 likes to call her an ice cream cone. her personality is abhorrent.
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.... Meanwhile, I'm a calendar model at the ripe old age of 49. That's something he can ruminate on!
I will have to say, I completely agree! You sure don't look 49.
I will say this, I have always had somewhat low self-esteem, BUT it has actually never been higher thanks to D16 "redoing" my wardrobe LOL. However, I still do think OM is better looking than me. I call a spade a spade. I think my w is caught up in the "hot catch" that she is with now. Too bad about his criminal past and no real future to look forward to.
-T
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... my d17 likes to call her an ice cream cone. her personality is abhorrent.
LMAO!!!!!!!!!
-T
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Oh Medusa, Yes I do know that mlcers have a tendency to try drugs. When we had our custody hearing, we were both drug tested. She was "offended", and said she would NEVER try drugs EVER (I don't trust ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth however-afterall she KNOWS OM has a "past").
I think she is probably smart enough to not try them until after d is over. I also know she is making sure OM doesn't do anything until this is all over. Little does she know...hair folical test...you can't hide from that. I will probably have OM supeanaed (sp?) because judge made it clear the kids are NOT to be around people who use. And after the comment D5 made over the weekend, OM is MOST CERTAINLY around her.
-T
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I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.
Now, my bad boy was nice too, but he could add his own ideas & sometimes they were better than mine. He could tease & get teased and so there was always a spark. He was charming, could throw a wink at me the moment I looked at him. We had chemistry...we still do, but I think it scares him. He's big, shaves his head bald, has tattoos...the whole nine yards. He's a teddy bear if you're the right person....my D12 has him wrapped around her little pinky. lol
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I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.
Ouch. That was me. Truth hurts, so I will take the truth dart. I understand this is a process for us to change and grow as much as our MLCers. At least I can recognize my faults and failures and strive to be better. It does not make this process any less painful however.
-T
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HOWEVER, he is also tattooed up (not judging by the way, I have nothing against them personally). He is an ex gang member, and likes to deal in the nose candy.
OMG. ..holy cow...talk about affair down
Wow
And I thought my H's OW was bad
Beat me hands down
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I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.
Ouch. That was me. Truth hurts, so I will take the truth dart. I understand this is a process for us to change and grow as much as our MLCers. At least I can recognize my faults and failures and strive to be better. It does not make this process any less painful however.
-T
Now don't go turning all bad boy on us! Just don't be so agreeable to everything...speak up if you have an opinion. It can be done politely. I never liked being the only one who decided things for us. The phrases "whatever you want to do is fine" or "I don't care" REALLY bother me....always made me feel like he didn't care enough about us to put his own thoughts out there. My S14 does it now and I am trying my hardest to break that kid of the habit. It's funny because I think he surprises himself when he actually has an opinion...and I can see that it gives him a little boost of confidence.
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Good thing you said that, I was just about to run out to the tattoo parlor, then head to the hood for some smack LOL...
One thing I have to say in defense of us nice guys...I said a LOT of the "whatever you want to do", or "I don't care" statements. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that what you would like to do is more important to me than what I might like to do. As long as I am with you, then that is all that matters to me.
-T
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T -
I was the same as you. I was happy just being together as a couple or as a family. When it was important enough to me to ask for something different, then I did. But generally I went with the flow and followed his lead on stuff.
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Hmmm...I don't know. Maybe it comes from watching my mom all these years. She lives with white walls and 1970's furniture and makes the same 7 meals each week because she went with the flow. She wishes for colored walls where you can tell there's a color, not a tinted white or builder beige. She'd like new furniture or to have me paint hers...she posts recipes she'll never try on FB...all because she goes with the flow. Yet, she would never make it without my dad. They have been married 42 years and my dad likes to say "this is how they always do it", be it how a certain thing is cooked or what color the walls are...we eat the same salads at holidays, the same rice krispie bars for any occasion calling for bars. Birthday supper will either be lasagna or homemade pizza. I asked for different bars once and was told to leave my mom alone, that she likes making those bars. The woman posts new bar recipes on FB every day...don't tell me she'd like to make the same old bars she's been making for the last 42 years. She's "fine with it". UGh! I can't do that. Life is too short to just go with the flow.
Sorry...off my soapbox now. I think in moderation, going with the flow can be just fine...I've just witnessed it to the extreme my entire life and just came to the realization about it in this last year.
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I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.
^^^^^Classic beta! great for creating the comfort & stability needed for a safe relationship! But yea.....boring!
Now, my bad boy was nice too, but he could add his own ideas & sometimes they were better than mine. He could tease & get teased and so there was always a spark. He was charming, could throw a wink at me the moment I looked at him. We had chemistry...we still do, but I think it scares him. He's big, shaves his head bald, has tattoos...the whole nine yards. He's a teddy bear if you're the right person....my D12 has him wrapped around her little pinky. lol
^^^^^Classic Alpha; creates the attraction and makes the "lady parts" tingle! But, get's annoying after a while with no substance!
What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!
I've been busy; missed out on all the "diamond cutting" conversation! Bummer! :(
DO
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A balance between the two would be nice. I love spontinaity..in just about anything. Maybe some flexiblity?..negoitating?..compromise?
Yep that diamond cutting conversation was interesting... ;D ;D
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What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!
I've been busy; missed out on all the "diamond cutting" conversation! Bummer! :(
DO
I guess that is EXACTLY what happened in my m. I represent stability and "boringness", especially these last few years. OM represents excitement the bad boy persona, the "alpha" if you will. I guess that mlc pendulum swung way the hell over in my case. I think as u said d.o. a comfortable r/m is somewhere in between. But isnt that what this process is all about?
-T
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What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!
Bingo. I think that was part of the problem in my sitch. H is a bad boy, but he was all sweet with me, but then it turned into doing whatever I wanted, never speaking up, having no voice. That wasn't my choice, just how he started doing it, all in the name of making me happy. But it didn't. Just wanted him to be himself, speak his mind, have his own opinions, even if it might have caused poor little old me to not agree. OMG!!!! But he went to the no conflict thing which really just created more conflict.
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Yep finding a balance somewhere between the two..I felt like the man in the relationship...sick of it.
Second time couldn't get him to take responsiblity for anything including the money.
He couldn't allow me to trust him with the one last thing I had to cling to. Wanted me to worry and ask for money even though I was giving him what I had every month from a rental property..now tell me what maid pays you to live with them?
He drained the account twice and got out of the fees..then the third time wanted me to go to the bank and ask that the fee be waived I told him "No I don't handle the money" He seemed quite offended by that...GROW UP!
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A balance between the two would be nice. I love spontinaity..in just about anything. Maybe some flexiblity?..negoitating?..compromise?
Of course, that's all part of it. that's called COMMUNICATING that is lost in so many of our stories and in most marriages in general!
Bingo. I think that was part of the problem in my sitch. H is a bad boy, but he was all sweet with me, but then it turned into doing whatever I wanted, never speaking up, having no voice. That wasn't my choice, just how he started doing it, all in the name of making me happy. But it didn't. Just wanted him to be himself, speak his mind, have his own opinions, even if it might have caused poor little old me to not agree. OMG!!!! But he went to the no conflict thing which really just created more conflict.
TMT, Thanks for posting that! Proves my point! He "pedestalized" you and my guess is that put a lot of pressure on you in decision-making! A lot of times, this can make you feel like the bar is too high and unattainable.
Yep finding a balance somewhere between the two..I felt like the man in the relationship...sick of it.
Second time couldn't get him to take responsiblity for anything including the money.
In It, thanks for your post too! Between you & TMT, what you are basically saying is your men did not stand up and lead the family or relationship. I don't mean that in a derogatory way; these are just the natural traditional roles that have biologically driven us from the beginning! I know many here have strong religious faith; I believe the bible even speaks of these things!
I did it too, I was a Military Man for 22 years. Probably one of the most "alpha" jobs you can have! But when I got home, I always deferred! this is more common than you think!
But not anymore. I will never be passive like that again! If I ever get asked which curtains I like for the bedroom, it's going to be "yes, those are a nice" and "No, those are horrendous; I never want to see those hanging anywhere in my house!" ;) 8)
Well, went way off topic from the intent of this thread, but good conversation & points of view none the less! Gotta be careful though....I remember what happened that last time this thread got derailed! LOL! ;)
DO
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No, good points for the males to learn.
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No, good points for the males to learn.
I guess the take away is......a woman will lose respect for a man who doesn't have an opinion, isn't self-reliant or backs down from a challenge! How can she respect him or be attracted at all if she can run roughshod over him on a whim?
DO
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Ok....now for something that is actually "script" related!
So, most of us have heard the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" speech in one form or another! But what does that really mean? OK, so we say "in love" is all about infatuation & excitement & it doesn't last. Love grows into a deeper connection & bond. Yep, I'll agree with that!
However, I've been reading a book lately that discusses this topic and has a different outlook on this script. Now, this may be out of context somewhat of MLC and more in the domain of a true "WAS", but I'll offer it here for discussion!
So, let's break down the two key words / phrases here:
Love = the loving, caring, connection type actions which gives comfort and bonding in the relationship = actions that release Oxytocin. For us guys, this would be the "beta" traits!
In Love = Fun, exciting, charismatic, charming type actions which are attractive = actions that release dopamine. For us guys, this would be the "alpha" traits!
So, replace the key words in that statement and you get:
"I "oxytocin" you, but I'm not in "dopamine" with you". In other words, the loving bond is still there, but you don't excite me or attract me anymore. This explains the waffling between the LBS & the OP; they still have the bond with the LBS, but they are getting the dopamine rush from the OP.
I would say this is probably at work somewhat in the clingers and boomerangs! Just a theory!
***Point of view alert***: I never completely agreed with the idea that we "choose" to love someone. I think we choose whether or not to pursue a long term relationship, but there has to be an attraction to begin with; some "chemistry" to coin a phrase. I mean, you can't just see someone on the street and decide "hey, I choose to love you, so let's get after it!" There has to be attraction / hormones at work in the first place!
DO
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Interesting theory DO, sounds about right. But sometimes when the LBS starts detaching and wearing magic jeans, they get the dopamine rush from them too!
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My BIL had his own mLC over 20 years ago.
When it looked my husband was going to run and I was desperate for help, he said this to me...
He is going to run. You can't stop him. It is something he has to do. Nothing you will say or do will stop it. I did it. There was nothing that would have stopped me. I didn't realize but I was in a depression. All I knew was that I was terribly unhappy. I was afraid I was turning into my Dad. I didn't want to be my Dad. He did the same thing every day and he looked miserable.
When I went back to my BIL for more guidance as I now had calmed down and wasn't so desperate for help, he no longer wanted to discuss it with me. It stirred up too many emotions for him and his wife and I suspect my husband had asked him not to talk with me.
So I don't think it is what we represent - it is what they are afraid that they have become. They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be.
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They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be.
BINGO. My wife got pregnant at 18 by her first husband. Jumped out of that m into relationship with me. She has NEVER been on her own, sowed her wild oats, stood on her own two feet, or however you want to say it.
-T
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He is going to run. You can't stop him. It is something he has to do. Nothing you will say or do will stop it. I did it. There was nothing that would have stopped me.
This is pretty much what H's dad told me. He said he did it too and tried to warn H about doing something stupid (OW). His dad also said that H would come back. He told me to try and remain on friendly terms with H if I want him back.
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Trouble is you can't be friends with them..it's a one way street..you might be able to be there for them but the minute you need something...poof! Nowhere to be found!
How does that constitute a friendship?
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Spot on in it.
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So why make the effort?
Go NC focus on yourself and emotionally let go an detach from the insanity they will insist you buy into.
Invest somewhere TWO people will relate, communicate, empathize, understand and respect each other- and create a healthy relationship.
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Trouble is you can't be friends with them..it's a one way street..you might be able to be there for them but the minute you need something...poof! Nowhere to be found!
How does that constitute a friendship?
I am civil to H but not friendly. I don't know that he knows the difference :o
As for H's dad's advice - he has been divorced 3 times and had no woman in his life. He is very lonely but he knows that this is a result of his past choices. He tells me that he is not the person to give me any advice on my current situation. However, he does care for me and would fix H if he could. H has discarded his dad as well and it really upsets his dad.
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Trouble is you can't be friends with them..it's a one way street..you might be able to be there for them but the minute you need something...poof! Nowhere to be found!
How does that constitute a friendship?
I look at it like this: if you had a girlfriend or a sister who you know is in a regular depression, would you expect them to hold up their end of a friendship? My MLCer's aunt kept insisting that he is in a bad depression...so I did some reading on depression. It's not really all that different from MLC, as far as the depression parts are concerned. She was in a depression for several years so I asked how she got out of it and she said her friend mentioned it often enough that she finally saw a doctor and got treated. She said if that friend hadn't been there for her, she never would've known she should get help. So, I guess for me, I treat him like I would any other friend who has depression. According to his aunt, he can barely be there for himself, much less feel anything for another person. A typical person in a long term depression can lose all their friends eventually, due to that lack of being there for someone else. Just like you can't snap out of a depression, you can't snap out of MlC either. I guess I can't turn my back on him after reading about depression. I have zero expectations....hopes, yes, expectations, no.
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Interesting theory DO, sounds about right. But sometimes when the LBS starts detaching and wearing magic jeans, they get the dopamine rush from them too!
Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them? ;D
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They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be.
I’m in agreement with this comment, xW former bff was a bit of party animal, bit of a $l()t actually. In the past she had told me that guy’s used to hit on her and xW when they would go out but xW would always back of or turn them down. These days it seems xW has ditched her bff, assumed her $l()tty identity and is rounding up all OM she missed out on.
Its quite ironic because when I use to see them together I used to think xW wanted to be like bff ($l()tty) and bff wanted to come across like xW (prim and proper). Seems like they are half way there now.
Lanzo
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Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them? ;D
American Eagle works for me but I have white girl shovel butt. It's really all in wearing heels, it pushes everything up and out... ;) ;)
I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow. I never walk out the door, even if I'm just going to pick up something quick unless I'm dressed like I'm going to accidentally bump into him and the girl.
At first people often said, "why are you so dressed up?" Now I often get comments (this one was yesterday), "you always look so put together"...
Well, at least I am on the outside. ;)
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Good discussion! No, you can't be friends with them! friendly, especially for the kids sake, yes. True friends, no! Too selfish & self-centered and like in it said, will be gone like smoke the first time you need something!
Interesting theory DO, sounds about right. But sometimes when the LBS starts detaching and wearing magic jeans, they get the dopamine rush from them too!
Sure, this is natural and is why you get this reaction when you start GAl'ing & hitting the gym, etc.
Let's be honest; it's known men are initially attracted to women physically. It's just the way we are biologically coded in the brain. Women are also attracted physically, however, it's also mental/emotional too; probably more so in a lot of cases.
So, yep, put on your "magic jeans" and shake it his way a couple times, add in the fact you detached and your a better / stronger person from your GAL, and the primal, physical attraction and interest kicks in.
I know it sounds shallow as hell, but in reality, this is just the way we are made biologically!
Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them? ;D
American Eagle works for me but I have white girl shovel butt. It's really all in wearing heels, it pushes everything up and out... ;) ;)
I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow. I never walk out the door, even if I'm just going to pick up something quick unless I'm dressed like I'm going to accidentally bump into him and the girl.
At first people often said, "why are you so dressed up?" Now I often get comments (this one was yesterday), "you always look so put together"...
Well, at least I am on the outside. ;)
Makes absolute sense!!! If you look good, then you will feel good and your self-esteem and confidence follows! People on the street that don't know you are going to initially react on physical appearance alone! People that already know you and going to react even more pleasantly when they see the results of GAL and getting it together!
I won't lie; I do this too! I never leave the house, even to go get groceries, unless I am showered, shaved and presentable. I wear my cologne everywhere including work! I find if I am out looking like crap in sweats & a t-shirt.....well, I feel like crap!
American Eagle is one of my favorites for jeans; straight leg, slim fit!!! ;) I don't do heels though; boots for me! ::) 8) ;)
DO
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Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them? ;D
I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow.
I have to say, I am starting to believe that. My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe. She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.
-T
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My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe. She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.
Wow, for a 16 year old girl to say that to her dad you must look smokin' hot. 8) ;D ;D ;D
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My self-esteem has never been higher thanks to D16 redoing my wardrobe. She was so proud of her work LOL-She told me "See, now I am not ashamed to be seen with you!" LMAO.
Wow, for a 16 year old girl to say that to her dad you must look smokin' hot. 8) ;D ;D ;D
I would say I am pretty good looking; I don't know about smokin' hot LOL, but yes, that is VERY HIGH praise from a teenager!!!
In all seriousness, I have the best daughter on the planet. Its too bad she had to grow up prematurely (mom hurt her feelings the night she left when she told D16 "I don't see myself marrying this guy [OM], I just want to go have my fun."). She feels abandoned. I only found out about that comment much later when D16 told me long after her mom had gone. That is a HELL of thing to say to your own daughter.
-T
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He told me to try and remain on friendly terms with H if I want him back.
Friendly terms and friends are not the same thing. We can be friendly to them. All that constitutes is being nice in the way we are nice to strangers and acquaintances. They want to be the wild person they never got the chance to be or that they remember themselves to be.
Absolutely correct. It's well-known that if a person misses a developmental stage, they will revisits it later in life. Mine told me part of the problem was that he wanted to do everything early, including getting married. Wild oats were not sown. He lost his identity and now has to figure out who he is.
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Magic jeans... I think I may need some of those...where does one go to find them? ;D
American Eagle works for me but I have white girl shovel butt. It's really all in wearing heels, it pushes everything up and out... ;) ;)
I have wrote this many times on this forum before (and not everybody is in agreement) but I believe if you work on the outside the inside will follow. I never walk out the door, even if I'm just going to pick up something quick unless I'm dressed like I'm going to accidentally bump into him and the girl.
At first people often said, "why are you so dressed up?" Now I often get comments (this one was yesterday), "you always look so put together"...
Well, at least I am on the outside. ;)
Thanks! I just discovered AE for my beanpole S14. I'll have to order me a pair as well. I used to get Levis, but they changed the pockets on them so now they look like mom jeans and mom jeans are definitely NOT magic jeans.
I have to agree that a little something new on the outside can help the inside too. I am such a jeans & tshirt girl though. At least I can rock the jeans if I find the right fit.
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i have a hard time finding pants. i have one of those big butts that have a hard time finding good pants. i used to be a ballerina so i have a big ol dancer booty. so i wear leggings and nice dresses. the leggings are pretty magical if i say so myself lol
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It's very true about going out looking good. I've always done that but ramped it up once I picked myself off the floor. I have to say, I really love knowing that I get checked out even in the grocery store. :)
I used to me a fairly low-maintainence kinda gal. No more. I get my nails done regularly and am so fixated on electrolysis, I'm pretty sure I will be putting my technician'a kids through college!
On jeans, I have become a convert to Old Navy Rockstar. My D works there and introduced me to them. I swear they're the best fitting, most comfortable jeans I've had in years!
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I have a difficult time finding pants for me at 5 ft 10 and a size 4 it's hard to find a long inseam in that small a size. But I do have a couple of pair I found by chance that do the trick. When I'm wearing them I stop at any convenience store where there are construction trucks filling up. :P :P :P
Puts a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
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It's very true about going out looking good. I've always done that but ramped it up once I picked myself off the floor. I have to say, I really love knowing that I get checked out even in the grocery store. :)
I used to me a fairly low-maintainence kinda gal. No more. I get my nails done regularly and am so fixated on electrolysis, I'm pretty sure I will be putting my technician'a kids through college!
On jeans, I have become a convert to Old Navy Rockstar. My D works there and introduced me to them. I swear they're the best fitting, most comfortable jeans I've had in years!
I was low maintenance too, but now I will accessorize to shovel out a horse stall. And ladies, I think getting brows and lashes tinted takes off 5 years.
I mentioned magic jeans but I actually need to find some as I am currently wearing D18's now too large, handmedown jeans due to the LBS budget. Until then miniskirts and leggings seem to work nicely! But yeah, it used to seem superficial but looking good really is feeling good.
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I would look ridiculous in leggings. :o I think the look is so cute on everyone else, but I just don't see it happening on me anytime soon. I think my legs are too short to pull it off. But hand me some jeans with the pockets in the right spot and a thong to make it look good...ya, that I can do! ;D
My senior year high school yearbook features a picture of my butt as I was directing the band as a drum major...I was told 20 years later that my butt still looks as good as that picture. Apparently, that pic was a memorable one for several of the guys. Who knew? ;) ;D
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Not wanting this thread to die, as I have some genuine interest here...
I mentioned this in my thread, but how about this:
W was one of THE most dedicated employees at her job. She was the "goto" gal for ANYTHING. Although it pissed me off that she did so many of the jobs there, yet did not get the compensation she deserved. She was IMO taken advantage of quite a bit. Not purposely, but if you need a job done who are you going to ask, a lazy person, or someone you know that you can count on?
Anyway, she reached a point where she no longer cared. She even told me quite some time ago (way before replay) that she didn't care if she got fired.
Now past 3 months since she has been with OM and no job. She worked for about a week at one place then quit. Family says she really isn't looking at all. Seems she has no desire to work. I am NOT calling her lazy; quite the contrary for most of our whole relationship, but I think she is burnt out. Doesn't care. Just wants to spend time with OM and not work.
Also, when she left, her CC balance was 0 (actually she had a credit balance). I have been keeping tabs on her spending...She is now 1.4K in CC debt.
-T
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Depression. That's not excuse for her choices, so please don't think I believe that. I hold my h responsible for all his stupid choices, depression or not. It's why they can't handle stress.
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I have suffered from depression. It's hard to imagine what goes on in the mind of a person who is depressed; it is a private hell. Each person experiences depression differently. I would describe it as being a short circuit in the brain which distorts normal thought processes and the worst thing about it is the depressed mind feels like reality no matter how much you tell yourself that what you are thinking or doing is not logical. One of the issues with depression is that it can creep up on you gradually so that one day you realise something is not right but you don't have a name for it. It is so awful that I understand why someone who has has not been diagnosed will turn to all sorts of things to get some respite. I was lucky in that my doctor recognised the symptoms and I got professional help. One of the best bits of advice I was given during this time was to not do anything life changing that I might later regret - at BD I repeated this to H but he insisted he knew what depression was and he wasn't depressed.... It is a tragedy that so many of our MLCers are either ignorant of the symptoms of depression or refuse for whatever reason to acknowledge there may be a problem.
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I've also suffered depression. I was I'm the throws of it when he started with OW (one of his many excuses). I'd been laid off from my job and had to reapply. That really messes with your head. But I didn't go out, start an affair, spend etc. I did my best to get through every day.
It is a tragedy they aren't able to get the help they need, but the more I learn and think about MLC, I'm starting to believe they simply cannot do it until they've exhausted every single thing they can think of to try to make themselves happy. Mine was in counseling for awhile bit quit. He just wasn't ready. No idea if he ever will be.
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What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!
I've been busy; missed out on all the "diamond cutting" conversation! Bummer! :(
DO
I guess that is EXACTLY what happened in my m. I represent stability and "boringness", especially these last few years. OM represents excitement the bad boy persona, the "alpha" if you will. I guess that mlc pendulum swung way the hell over in my case. I think as u said d.o. a comfortable r/m is somewhere in between. But isnt that what this process is all about?
-T
You know I got to really thinking hard about this...Those that knew us would say my wife was the "Alpha" of the relationship. Although she projected a strong independent persona, inside she was weak. I was actually the strong one emotionally. I didn't care about how our r seemed to others.
I often do wish I was more assertive. And I understand balance is the key to a successful r. BUT...does it really make any difference to the MLCer? In other words, if your a "bad boy", maybe your spouse gets bored of the bad boy image/lifestyle and wonders "what if" she had settled down with a nice guy instead? Or vice versa...
I think the point here, is although I do accept my own shortcomings, does it REALLY make a difference when it comes to MLC? If they have FOO issues, its going to surface anyway, isn't it?
-T
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This isn't about your MLCer, it's about you and future relationships, which may include W or not.
Women do like a bit of fun and excitement. You've got the stable, nice part down. Why not explore the other side a bit?
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IMHO a lot of it is based on FOO issues they refuse to address. Their childhood was perfect! If you ask them.
And even if it wasn't they simply will not come to terms with the damage that may have been done...somehow the pain is too much for them so they act out this way instead.
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I think the point here, is although I do accept my own shortcomings, does it REALLY make a difference when it comes to MLC? If they have FOO issues, its going to surface anyway, isn't it?
Accepting our own shortcomings is an I portent part of our process. We look deeply into ourselves and fix what we don't like,
Would their MLC have happened anyway? Maybe. Although FOO issues certainly play a role, there are plenty of us who also have FOO issues but haven't spiraled into MLC. Its well-known in psychology that of a person slips a developmental stage they will revisit it. One thing I find very interesting on this board is that there seem to be a large number of us who have been with our spouses since the teen years. In my sitch, he was 16 when we met; I was 17. He hadn't dated much; I had. We broke up for a year in college and I dated more. He didn't. That I think, plays a big role in his MLC. He feels like he missed out on things because he wanted to grow up fast. Conversely, I seem to have gone through developmental stages fairly normally. I certainly have my own FOO issues which I finally addressed thanks to His MLC, but if this is only about FOO then I should have been the one to have it.
I agree with MeNow that this is about you and your future. It's about you becoming the man you want to become, whomever he is.
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This isn't about your MLCer, it's about you and future relationships, which may include W or not.
Women do like a bit of fun and excitement. You've got the stable, nice part down. Why not explore the other side a bit?
I agree with this 100%. If a guy is trying too hard, I'm not interested. I like a guy who is confident, doing his own thing, look at me and smile is ok, but not too much.
There was this guy at work that I was very attracted to, he was not that good looking but he had something. It was the way he walked, the way he looked at me, very sure of himself (there's a word for it but not appropriate for this forum). I fall for those guys every time, probably is what gets me in so much trouble. :-\
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MLCer's say the strangest things...........
H and I were watching a show where there is a King and Queen as the main characters. The queen is of course beautiful and physically attractive. The queen has to pick a mistress for the king so she picks someone that she can trust. The mistress is pretty but chunky compared to the queen. The king and mistress are getting to know each other and the next scene shows the queen crying in her bed because the king is going to be intimate with the mistress. H says "why is she crying she is the skinny one?" :o
I was speechless.
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I give up..they are totally clueless.
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Ok, I have one that seems to be new.
My H told me this weekend that he had a hard time telling me he loved me because he now has a "phobia" about love. Seriously? ??? :-\ ???
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Mine told me back in March he was too scared to admit he loved me. That he buried his feelings for me cause it terrified him.
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This isn't about your MLCer, it's about you and future relationships, which may include W or not.
Women do like a bit of fun and excitement. You've got the stable, nice part down. Why not explore the other side a bit?
I agree with this 100%. If a guy is trying too hard, I'm not interested. I like a guy who is confident, doing his own thing, look at me and smile is ok, but not too much.
There was this guy at work that I was very attracted to, he was not that good looking but he had something. It was the way he walked, the way he looked at me, very sure of himself (there's a word for it but not appropriate for this forum). I fall for those guys every time, probably is what gets me in so much trouble. :-\
I agree as well. Stable and nice is a good start, but there's something about the confidence that is attractive. Not obnoxious & over the top confidence, but just that "something" that Nah mentioned. You don't have to be the best looking guy...a little sparkle in the eyes goes a long way....at least for me, which is what gets me in trouble. My guy liked to say "Hey, Woman..." when he wanted something...his mother hated it if she heard him call me that, but I'd look at him, & with those darn sparkly eyes & the way he said it, that could make me feel like I was the only one who could do whatever it was that he wanted at the time. It was never a demand like his mother saw it...it just seemed sexy sounding to me. And, I have to say it's much better than being called "baby" which is what he calls the OW.
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New thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5826.0